“But this is dangerous! You could die!”
Her eyes roll. “Heard that before too.”
Are you kidding me? So, she knows she could die, and yet she’s still doing this? Does she not give a shit about the people who care about her? The people who love her? My anger bubbles over to the point where I can’t contain it.
“Fine.” I sneer and chuck the journal onto her bed. “Do whatever you fucking want. Who gives a shit what happens to you anyway?”
Instantly regretting my words, I leave the room and slam the door behind me – however, I lean my back against it. Sounds of soft sobs come from behind the door and I consider going back in, but I can’t. She doesn’t want my comfort anyway, so with that, I walk away.
AS SOON AS I get back to my place, they’re already setting up for the party tonight. A part of me wants to stay in my room, but I think Bree is actually coming tonight and I haven’t seen her in a couple of days. Jason is carrying one of the kegs into the kitchen, so I step out of his way.
“Don’t trip.” I joke, trying to keep my emotions in check. Caleb walks in behind him, looking annoyed. “You alright?”
“Yeah, Taylor is just getting on my last nerve.”
My eyebrows furrow. “You haven’t broken up with her yet?”
He shakes his head. “I plan on doing it tonight, after the party. She’s insisting there’s someone else. I don’t want her to show up and cause a scene tonight.”
“Is there someone else?”
“Nah. She simply can’t accept the fact that our issues are partially her fault.”
“Sounds like her.” I chuckle and Caleb nods in agreement.
THE MUSIC IS LOUDLY pounding throughout the house. I stay in the kitchen, where it’s easier to hear those around me. I’m listening to Jason rave about the girl he plans on getting with tonight, when an unexpected face stands before me.
“Hey Holden.” She greets.
I need to stop myself from rolling my eyes. “Laci. Didn’t know I’d see you here tonight.”
“Well, you know me. I’ve always been one for surprises.”
The way she bats her eyelashes at me makes me wonder if she even realizes that I only dated her to develop my social status. We broke up over a year ago and yet, she still shows up every now and then. It’s obvious she thinks our relationship meant more than it did.
“Well, have a good night.” I try dismissing her.
She smirks. “I will, but I’ll have an even better one if you and I go up to your room.”
As if on cue, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out to find a text that causes me to freeze.
Bree: On my way. Kayleigh is with me.
Fuck. Out of all the things I expected to happen tonight, having Kayleigh here was not one of them. I type a quick reply, telling her I’ll see her when she gets here, and then slip my phone back into my jeans.
“Sorry Lace, no can do. My girlfriend is on her way here.”
She takes a step forward and brings her lips to my ear. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”
To be honest, I almost consider taking her up on it. However, the only thing I can focus on is the argument I had with Kayleigh earlier. I can’t figure out any other reason why she would be coming here if not to talk to me. She’s probably just worried I’m going to tell someone – and I undoubtedly should. What she’s doing isn’t safe, and I’m terrified something is going to happen to her.
“Not tonight.”
Her disappointment is clear as she huffs. “Fine. Your loss.”
As she walks away, Jason chuckles. “I’ll never understand how you do it.”
“Says the guy who has hooked up with a new girl every weekend since we got here.”
He doesn’t respond, instead choosing to shrug and smile. Meanwhile, my mind is going haywire. Bree should be here any minute with Kayleigh and I don’t know how to deal with it. I still haven’t determined how I feel. I’m worried, but is it really any of my business? I’m dating Bree and I like her. Maybe I should just focus on that. Besides, I’ve actually missed her the last couple days.
I finally see the two of them come through the door. Kayleigh looks out of place, intimidated by the environment around her. It’s endearing to watch as she glances around and clings closely to Bree. I walk up to them and wrap my arms around my girlfriend’s waist, kissing her cheek and making her smile.
“Who are you looking for?” Brianna asks her roommate.
When Kayleigh focuses back on Bree, her eyes meet mine for a second. “Oh. No one specific. Just seeing if I know anyone here.”
It’s obvious that she’s lying but neither myself, nor Bree, question her on it. I’ve known her reason for coming here since before they arrived, and it isn’t for the party. The two of them grab a drink each and I’m pleasantly surprised to see Kayleigh down a beer. However, my worry grows when she downs two more and starts to become inebriated.
“Kay, babe, maybe you should cool it on the drinking.” Bree suggests, seeing her sway back and forth.
Kayleigh waves her off. “I’m fine. It’s just kicking in quickly because I haven’t had alcohol in a while.”
“Or because there is nothing in your stomach to absorb it.” I mumble the words under my breath, but they’re loud enough to earn a glare from her – though Bree doesn’t seem to notice.
“I need to use the bathroom.” My girlfriend says, more to me than anyone. She kisses my cheek and walks away, leaving Kayleigh and I alone in the crowded room.
She looks down at the floor and nervously fidgets with her hand before gazing back up at me. “Can we talk?”
“About what?” I reply coldly. I don’t mean to be rude but I hate seeing what she’s doing to herself.
She glances around the room. “Maybe somewhere a little more private?”
I act like I’m thinking about it, giving her a minute to sweat it out before I nod and lead the way upstairs. As I shut the door behind us, she looks around. I sit on my bed and she leans against the wall.
“So, what did you want to talk about?”
I watch as she nervously takes a breath. “About what you found today.”
“What about it?”
She bites her lip and I feel my dick twitch in my pants. Good God, not now!
“I just want to make sure you’re not going to tell anyone.”
I can’t help but laugh as I take another swig of my drink, placing the cup down on my nightstand when I’m done. “Why shouldn’t I?”
“Holden, please.” She begs. “I can’t have this getting out. If my mother finds out she will send me to one of those awful places, or worse. I’ll lose my place here and I’ll have to become a stripper and my whole life will be ruined.”
Watching her rant is sort of adorable, until her breathing becomes labored and she slides down to sit on the floor. Her hand presses against her chest as she struggles. I lunge toward her, seeing all the tell-tale signs of an anxiety attack.
“Kayleigh, Kay, come on. Relax. Breathe.” I try, but nothing I say is getting through to her.
I take a bottle of water from my mini-fridge and hand it to her. She places it against her forehead and after a few long minutes, finally starts to gain control of her breathing again.
“I’m okay.” She murmurs once she’s calm. “Sorry.”
The corners of my mouth raise involuntarily. “You’re apologizing for having a panic attack?”
She giggles slightly before becoming serious again. “I can’t have anyone else finding out about this, Holden. I’m serious.”
My hands rub over my face. A very large part of me wants to tell someone and get her the help she needs. Yet, at the same time, I feel guilty for causing her to have another break down. I know it was hard for her to come here. This is just that important to her. One thing’s for sure, I can’t let her starve herself to death. There’s only one other solution I can think of, and I’m sure it won’t end well for me.
“Okay, I won’t say an
ything.” I tell her and watch as she visibly relaxes. “But I have one condition.”
“Okay. What?”
“I want to help you beat this.”
Chapter Ten
The beach is beautiful with the waves crashing against the shore. As the sun starts to rise above the sea, the wind runs through my hair. Suddenly, my mother is by my side. Her green eyes reflect in the light, reminding me what mine look like. Just being near her soothes me.
“I miss you.” I tell her honestly.
She turns her head toward me and sighs. “Oh, Holden. You don’t have to miss me. I’m with you every single day.”
“It’s not the same.”
I can feel the back of her hand as it rubs lightly against my cheek. “I know, honey, but your father and I are so proud of you. You’ve grown into a wonderful young man.”
“Thanks mom, but it doesn’t always feel that way.”
She looks back to the water, smiling at someone walking down the sand. I follow her gaze to see Kayleigh. She’s going along the shoreline with her bare feet dipped in the water. The white dress she’s wearing makes her look angelic. Just the sight of her creates a flutter in my stomach.
“She’s special to you.” My mother acknowledges.
I finally look away and nod. “She hates me though.”
“Only because she hasn’t seen the real you. No one has in a very long time, and no, Brandon doesn’t count.”
Despite wanting to tell her she’s wrong, I know she’s not. “It’s hard. I can’t go back to that place. I can’t lose someone I love again.”
“But darling, love is a marvelous thing. You can’t deny yourself of that simply because you’re afraid of getting hurt.”
“Trust me, allowing myself to feel anything for that girl is guaranteed to get me hurt.”
She lifts my head to look at her. I can see Kayleigh off in the distance, but my mother’s brown hair blowing in the breeze and the sunlight landing softly on her face is all I can concentrate on. She really was stunning.
“Be yourself with her, H. I promise, it will be the best thing you’ll ever do.”
A tear runs down my cheek. As I go to respond, a voice stops me. “Holden?” It’s Kayleigh, and hearing her say my name is like music to my ears. “Holden.” It sounds again, but this time it’s different.
“Holden.” Bree pulls me from my dream. My eyes shoot open and I realize my face is damp. “Are you okay? You were crying in your sleep.”
I shake my head. “I’m fine. I think I just got something in my eye.” Glancing over at my nightstand, I grab my phone and check the time. “We should get up.”
My girlfriend looks like she wants to question me further, but thankfully she accepts my lie and leaves the topic alone. After a chaste kiss, I grab my towel – excusing myself to take a shower. With everything running through my mind right now, I can’t be around her. I need some time to think.
I’M SITTING ON BRIANNA’S bed, subtly glancing over at a sleeping Kayleigh. She woke up for a few minutes when we got here, clearly suffering from a hangover. I feel bad, but at the same time, she did this to herself. This is what happens when you drink too much, especially without eating. Instead of lecturing her though, I gave her a couple Advil to help with the headache. She took them without even asking what they were. I found it both heartwarming and scary.
“So, what did you and Kayleigh talk about last night?” Bree asks quietly.
I shrug and kiss the top of her head as I think of an excuse. “She needed to ask me about finishing the project. I took her upstairs to show her the video we got.” Yeah, that’ll work.
She snuggles deeper into my side. “Well, I’m glad you two are getting along better.”
“Me too.”
WE END UP FALLING asleep while watching a movie, and I’m rather comfortable – until the sound of movement wakes me. I turn around to see Kayleigh putting her sneakers on. The only source of light in the room is the alarm clock showing its 1:50 in the morning.
“Where are you going?” I question just as she’s about to leave.
She stops and winces slightly. “For a run.”
I glance back at the clock again to make sure I read it correctly. “It’s like 2 AM.”
“Thank you, Father Time.” She sasses. I know there is no way I can stop her, so I carefully slip out of Bree’s bed and pull on my shoes. “What are you doing?”
“Coming with you.”
“Uh, come again?”
I’m way too tired to fight with her. I run my fingers through my hair to try to wake myself up more. “Well, judging by the look on your face, I’m not going to be able to convince you out of going, and I’ll be damned if I let you go running by yourself in the middle of the night. So, I’m coming with you.”
Her head shakes rapidly. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I know.” I slip past her and pat her shoulder as I slide out the door. “But I’m going to anyway.”
She doesn’t say anything else. Instead, she follows behind me as we go down the stairs and out the door. The security guard eyes us suspiciously. I give him a broad smile for reassurance. As soon as we’re outside, Kayleigh starts to run. I’m still trying to shake off the sleep I was just enjoying, but I don’t want her to get away so I start to jog with her. She glances back and notices me keeping up, so she quickens her pace. Thankfully, hockey has kept me in good shape so staying with her isn’t difficult. I speed up slightly until I’m next to her and smirk.
“That all you’ve got?” I tease.
She narrows her eyes and begins to sprint. I follow suit. The two of us race, each becoming faster than the other until I finally give in. I come to a stop and place my hands on my knees, letting deep breaths of air infiltrate my lungs.
“What’s wrong? Can’t keep up?” She asks, clearly pleased with herself.
“H-how are you not e-even tired?” I stumble through my words, still attempting to breathe.
She chuckles softly and shrugs. Seeing her smile makes the cramp in my stomach totally worth it. “Come on.” She tells me. “We’ll sit at the creek and rest for a bit.”
I follow her over to the ledge and lie down with my head resting in my hands. It’s a clear sky, so the stars are visible. Seeing how far away they are makes me feel so small.
“It’s beautiful out here at night.” I whisper, not wanting to ruin the moment with talking too loudly.
She lies down beside me and gazes up at the stars. “It is.”
My mother’s words play through my head. Be yourself with her, H. I promise, it will be the best thing you’ll ever do. I close my eyes for a minute as I consider it. Can I do that? Can I really let her in? Just the thought is terrifying but I trust my mom, even if it was only a dream. She has never steered me wrong before. Well, here goes nothing.
“I get them too, you know.” I say, breaking the silence.
She sits up and looks at me as I stay still. “Get what?”
“Panic attacks.”
I hear a small gasp come from her lips. The gears are turning rapidly in her head and I can tell that was the last thing she thought I was going to say. There’s a lot I could tell her about myself that would create the same reaction, but I think it’s best to start out small.
“Oh.” She responds, and it makes me laugh.
“Look at that, you can be speechless.”
A broad smile comes across her face and she pushes me lightly. “I’m just surprised. I didn’t expect that.”
“No one else knows.” I pause and correct myself. “Well, no one here at least.”
“Not even Bree?” She sounds surprised.
“Not even Bree.”
Lying down next to me once more, she looks back up at the sky. I almost think the conversation is over, until I hear her soft voice again. “Thank you for telling me.”
Her words cause butterflies in my stomach. Maybe we’re getting somewhere. “Thank you for listening.” We both go back into being q
uiet, but I’m not willing to let this moment end. “Do you ever wonder if the stars have names?”
“What?” She giggles. “I mean there’s the Big Dipper and all that.”
“No. Not the constellations. The stars themselves.” I find the brightest one I can find and point to it. “Like that one, right near the moon, that one should be named Curtis.”
“Curtis?! Out of all the names, you pick Curtis?”
I smile at her amusement. “Yes. Can you think of one better?”
She ponders it for a moment and then smiles. “Lloyd.”
A small laugh bubbles out of my mouth. “No. That one is Lloyd.” I point to the one next to it. “Curtis and Lloyd sound like the best of friends.”
“Oh definitely. They do all the fun star things together.” She looks around the sky until she finds the one she wants. “That one right there, that’s Holden.”
I smile. “Oh yeah? Then which one is Kayleigh?”
Her head turns to the other side of the sky and points to the one furthest away. “That one.”
“Ouch, and here I thought we were getting along.” I joke.
She rolls her eyes playfully. “Fine, that one.” She points to one in the middle of the original distance. So, I am making progress.
We name the two that are near mine Brandon and Brianna, and she names the one closest to hers Emily. The one in the dead center between my star and hers, I name Charlotte. Kayleigh’s eyes study the side of my face intently but I don’t look at her. I don’t want her to ask why I picked that name. I think she senses my reluctance, because she stays quiet.
Just as the sky begins to lighten, we walk back to her dorm. Neither of us have enough energy to run. I think we’re both surprised we stayed out so late. The walk is quiet, but comfortable. When we get inside, Bree is still asleep in her bed.
“Goodnight Kayleigh.” I whisper.
I don’t miss the smile she can’t seem to fight off. “Goodnight Holden.”
Slipping back into my place behind my girlfriend, I doze off instantly – thanking my mom for always knowing what’s best for me.
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