by Suzi Davis
“Just a suggestion,” Mags dismissed, obviously trying to keep her voice light. “They can’t all be spells for torture and death though. No matter how twisted Caoilinn was, there must be some spells she knew that we can use.”
“I still can’t believe…” Sebastian started muttering to himself. I quickly glanced up to see him looking out the window again. He was scowling and squinting out at the sunny day, his forehead creased and his eyes straining. His lips were moving rapidly as he continued talking softly to himself. I met Mags’ eye to find a similar expression of alarm on her face as I could feel on my own. She reached over and tugged on his sleeve.
“Sebastian?”
He completely ignored her and closed his eyes. His whole face scrunched up tightly, his teeth clenched together as he muttered in a low and indistinguishable voice. I thought I saw a droplet of dark red blood gathering at the base of his nostril.
“Sebastian, please,” Mags coerced, reaching up to gently touch his face. He jerked away from her hand as if stung, his agitation clearly increasing. His voice began to grow louder, his words flowing faster and clearer. It was then that I realized he wasn’t speaking English but was rambling away in Gaelic. I had no idea what he was saying but Mags looked horrified. His whole face had drained of its natural color and was now a sickly grayish-white. A drop of blood trickled down from his nose, staining his lips a ghastly red.
I knew I had to do something.
I fell forward onto my knees before him, reaching up and firmly holding his face with both my hands. His mad ravings quieted and slowed at my touch, his pained expression relaxing slightly though not completely. Even in this desperate moment, it still felt so good to touch him, to be close to him once more.
“Stop, Sebastian. Come back to us,” I urged in a voice much calmer than I felt. His eyelids flickered at the sound of my voice but didn’t open. His muttering abruptly stopped as a low groan began building in his throat. The sound of it made chills run down my spine, the pain and suffering so clear in that one single noise that it terrified me through and through.
“What the hell are you doing to him?” Mags shrieked. She jumped up and grabbed at my arms, roughly pulling them from Sebastian’s face. What happened next shocked us both.
With her hands still on my arms, her face suddenly twisted and contorted in pain. She screamed both in anger and fear as she suddenly jerked away from me, shrinking back and sliding as far from me in the small space as she could get. I didn’t have time to consider what had happened as Sebastian began moaning again. His body had become rigid, his hands were clenched into fists and his head began to slowly shake back and forth.
I ignored Mags and grabbed his face again, firmly pulling his forehead against mine.
“Please, stop,” I begged. I hesitated only for a second before continuing, ignoring Mags as thoroughly as possible. “Seamus… please. Come back to me. Don’t leave me. I need you so much.” I was terrified and struggling not to panic. I wanted so badly for him to stop, for him to open his eyes and to be okay that I couldn’t believe it wasn’t happening. I instinctively knew he was lost in the past somewhere, losing himself to the overwhelming memories that swarmed his mind. And there was only one thing I could think to do to pull him back. I crushed my lips against his, kissing him as hard and roughly as I dared. I released all my passion, all my frustration and pain into that one moment, and all my boundless, eternal love for him.
His eyelids flickered again, his muscles began to relax. His cold lips, now warmed by mine, began to soften and yield, and to very slowly kiss me back. And the kiss that had begun with such rough desperation, slowly melted into the sweetest, most tender and heartfelt kiss that we had ever shared. A warm passion was steadily building within me and when he opened his eyes, for a second I could see the same loving warmth radiating out from deep within him. And then his eyes clouded and he was pushing me away.
“Caoilinn? I mean… Gracelynn? What…? Why were we…?” he blinked rapidly, looking around our compartment, desperately searching for something. His eyes fell on Mags, crouched in the corner, looking wary but fierce. She glared at us both accusingly, the pain clear in her eyes. “Mags. Mags, I’m sorry. I never meant to… I mean, we shouldn’t have…” he stuttered, more confused and discomposed than I’d ever seen him before. He looked back at me, his eyes begging me for help but I wasn’t sure what it was he wanted. I felt like I didn’t know anything anymore.
“Relax, Sebastian,” Mags snapped, she glared daggers at me as she slowly stood. “It’s not your effin’ fault.”
I felt confused myself as I remembered what had happened. How had I made Mags let go of me like that? And why had Sebastian kissed me back so passionately and then suddenly pushed me away? And why was he apologizing to her and not to me? My eyes tried to fill with angry and frustrated tears, a painful sob gathering and sticking deep in my chest. I stubbornly swallowed it back down.
“I’m still so confused… What happened? Was it another episode?” I was surprised when he directed the question at me. I wished I could give him another answer than the truth but I couldn’t lie to him. I silently nodded and the crease between his brows deepened. “But I thought… I thought it wouldn’t happen anymore. I thought if you and Mags both wanted me to stop remembering…”
“I thought so too,” Mags agreed. She dropped down heavily in the seat beside him, her eyes full of fury as she stared at me, vigorously rubbing her arms. “Caoilinn must want you to remember something; she’s forcing the memories back up and they’re scrambling your mind.”
“No, Gracelynn would never want to hurt me,” Sebastian automatically denied and for that, at least, I was grateful. He looked at me with questioning eyes though.
“She hurt me!” Mags pointed out sulkily. “She burnt my hands just now. She’s more powerful and goddamn capable than you know, Sebastian. She’s trying to hide her abilities from you but I can see the truth.”
“No! That’s not true!” I objected angrily, rising to my feet. “I was trying to help him and you were stopping me. I just wanted to make you let go. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Bullshit. You wanted me to feel pain.”
I opened my mouth to deny it but no sound came out as I realized the truth. I had wanted her to let go but I hadn’t wanted to be gentle about it. I had wanted her to feel some of the pain that I was feeling, if only for a second. What kind of monster was I?
“I just wanted to help Sebastian,” I continued in a quieter voice.
“Can’t you see he’s had enough of your effin’ ‘help’?” Mags spat back at me.
“Stop it – both of you!” Sebastian interrupted. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and began to dig his fingers into his temples. We both immediately fell silent. I was terrified for a moment that another ‘episode’ was about to begin. Sebastian slowly reopened his eyes though, his fingers sliding from his skull.
“We have nearly three more days left on this train together and we need to all start wanting the same thing if we’re going to have any chance of surviving the days after that. Let’s just put everything else aside and focus on working together. Please?” He looked back and forth between us, his eyes pleading in a way I suspected Mags was as powerless to deny as I.
Mags rolled her eyes. “Get real Sebastian,” she scolded but in a much lighter tone. “What, did you expect your wife and your girlfriend to be instant best friends?”
To my surprise one side of Sebastian’s mouth twitched towards a smile. “I suppose not,” he agreed. He glanced at me as if inviting me to join in the joke but I couldn’t smile, I couldn’t find anything funny about our situation. My expression quickly melted his mirth.
“I’m starving,” Mags suddenly announced, standing up and stretching. “Want to come with me to get something to eat?” she invited Sebastian.
“Sure,” he agreed. He turned towards me. “Let’s all go.”
“No, you go ahead, I’ll wait here. I don’t feel well.”
“Maybe I’ll stay with Gracelynn…”
“No,” Mags and I objected together. Mags smirked at me as she slid open our compartment door. “See, she doesn’t want you to stay either. Let’s go.” And without looking back, Mags stepped out into the narrow corridor that led away from our compartment and down towards the tiny, twisted stairwell at the end of our carriage that led up to the dining area.
Sebastian hesitated in the doorway. “I’ll bring you something back, in case you change your mind,” he told me quietly before stepping out into the hall and closing the door behind him.
Mags was a better choice for Sebastian than I was – I kept telling myself that anyway. It hurt so much that I couldn’t trust myself around him, that he could no longer trust me. I hated seeing him with Mags but if I really loved him, if I truly wanted what was best for him, I knew that I was going to have to stop fighting this and start really wanting the right thing. I was trying but obviously I wasn’t trying hard enough. It broke my heart to even think it but I was going to have to want them to be together – to really want them to be together, so he could be happy and safe. It was the right thing to do, impossible as it seemed.
When Sebastian and Mags returned I had calmed and composed myself. I forced myself to watch the way they behaved around one another, to see the obvious bond that hundreds of years in each other’s company had created. I had to admit, Mags knew Sebastian almost as well as I. She sensed his moods, she knew how to tease him, she knew what subjects would spark his interest and pull him from his gloomy distractions. She had enough control over her magic that she could offer him protection too - unlike myself. I tried not to wallow in my misery. I tried to be happy that Sebastian would be safe and loved. It was hard.
I spent the rest of the day going back and forth between sketching more mysterious designs and trying my best to be friendly towards Mags. She was suspicious at first and mostly ignored my attempts at conversation. I could tell Sebastian appreciated my effort, smiling at me gratefully and trying to find common ground between Mags and myself - there wasn’t much. Mags gradually warmed up to me, mostly because of Sebastian’s encouragement. The more I learnt about her, the more I found myself reluctantly admiring her and viewing her with a new, slightly grudging, respect.
Mags was tough in both appearance and attitude. She smoked, she swore, and she had more piercings and tattoos than Sebastian. She spoke too loudly, took offense easily and she knew how to stand up for herself. She was full of spunk and confidence, and had a dry and sarcastic sense of humor that took me a while to understand. And she loved Sebastian, perhaps nearly as much as I did. It was obvious every time that she looked at him, every moment that she was in his presence that she would do absolutely anything for him. At some point, I stopped being angry and just felt very, very sad.
The first night we spent on the train we were somewhere near the border of the Czech Republic. I really wasn’t paying too much attention and wouldn’t have even realized we were in the Czech Republic if we hadn’t had to switch trains. Our new cabin had two fold down beds - a double bed on bottom with a single bunk above. Mags flatly refused to share a bed with me; no matter how friendly we pretended to be towards each other she still didn’t want me close enough to touch her. She joked about her and Sebastian sharing the double bed but Sebastian insisted upon sleeping on the floor, leaving the top bunk for me. It took me a long time to fall asleep. My face was barely a foot away from the ceiling and the rocking of the train that had felt so soothing before now seemed to jar and jolt me with every noisy bounce over the tracks. I felt so lonely. The feeling was only intensified when I heard Sebastian and Mags quietly talking and laughing. I fell asleep facing the wall, just in case one of them looked up and saw the tears on my cheeks.
The second day of travel, we journeyed through both Hungary and Croatia on several different trains. I spent most of the day attempting to focus and gain more control over my magic; it was the only useful thing I could think to do. I meditated, I drew more designs for spells (some of which I understood the meanings of, most that I didn’t) and I practiced “wanting” things to happen – all with little success. Even though I was now constantly aware of the ancient, raw power within me, actually focusing and harnessing it was beyond me. It felt like the more I tried, the more I failed and the more I failed, the more frustrated and desperate I became. The only thing I seemed to succeed at was wanting Sebastian to forget about me – I rarely noticed him looking my way. Most of the time he seemed absorbed in reestablishing his friendship with Mags. It tore at my heart and destroyed my soul to see them growing closer but I knew it was right and I forced myself to want the right thing for once.
I worked hard to be polite and friendly towards Mags, to keep the peace between us all. The only conflict I initiated was when we returned to our cabin after dinner on the second night and I refused to sleep on the top bunk again.
“I’ll sleep on the floor if I have to but there’s no way I’m sleeping up there,” I stated firmly. I stubbornly folded my arms across my chest and met Mags’ glare with one of my own. I couldn’t be certain if it was because I wanted it or not but Mags almost immediately backed down, looking uneasy and annoyed at the same time.
“Fine. We’ll rotate beds then to make it fair. That means you’re sleeping on the floor tonight – then tomorrow I’ll take a turn.”
“No, she doesn’t need to sleep on the floor,” Sebastian objected. I felt a twinge of pain as he referred to me as “she”. He didn’t even look at me when he spoke.
“It’s fine,” I mumbled, grabbing a pillow and tossing it down onto the ground.
I quickly made up a bed on the hard, thinly carpeted floor with just a pillow and two blankets. I was happy not to be on the top bunk again and I lay down with my back to the others, immediately shutting my eyes and praying that sleep would find me quickly that night. For once, I got what I wanted.
I hadn’t expected to dream of Caoilinn again; I knew I didn’t want to remember anymore of her life and so it was a surprise when I did. It wasn’t like my other dreams where I relived her memories, saw through her eyes and thought her thoughts. This was different. I jolted awake from the strange dream, flashes of images and flickers of sensations all that I could remember. Confused and frightened tears gathered in my eyes as I sat up in the darkness, disoriented and feeling so very alone.
“Gracelynn?” I heard Sebastian whisper from his bed just a few feet away from me. “Gracelynn, what’s wrong?” The fear and worry in his voice were obvious and my tears over-flowed because I knew I didn’t deserve his concern.
I heard blankets rustling as he moved towards me in the darkness. A second later there was a quiet click and a small overhead light turned on from the underside of Mags’ bunk. Thankfully, Mags didn’t awake, her soft snores just barely audible over the noise of the train.
I stared at Sebastian and he stared back at me. His eyes looked as sad as I felt; my heart felt as if it were tearing wide open. He was so handsome, so undeniably attractive sitting there under the soft yellowish light, shirtless yet still in his jeans. I couldn’t help but notice the contours of his muscles and the perfect shape of his body. My heart pounded as it ripped apart and my mind spun from all the conflicting emotions that threatened to overwhelm me. A quiet sob burst free from my lips.
“Oh, Gracelynn,” he whispered, his expression breaking as he quickly slid off the bed and knelt down on the floor beside me. He reached for me with his warm, familiar hands and I was powerless to resist him. He pulled me up into his arms and I leaned gratefully into him. The feel of his arms around me, his warmth and the rhythm of his heart beating and the smell of his skin, it was all so familiar and wonderful and I hated myself for loving him so much and for being too weak to let go.
“What’s happening to us?”
he murmured into my hair. “I’ve felt so confused lately.”
“Me too,” I whispered back. I clung to him tightly, never, ever wanting him to let me go and yet knowing that he should. “I just want you to be happy, even if it’s with someone else. I’m trying so hard to want the right thing,” I confessed, choking back a sob.
“I…” his voice trailed off into silence. “I don’t understand what’s happening,” he repeated, sounding as confused as I felt. “Why were you crying?”
“I had a bad dream.” I felt like a small child as I answered, foolish and afraid. His grip on me loosened and I slowly slid from his arms.
“I know what that’s like.”
“Haven’t your nightmares stopped now that Mags is here?”
“I thought they had,” he slowly answered. He frowned, looking puzzled. “They’re not the same now anyway. They’re certainly not as vivid and I don’t remember them when I awake but sometimes I feel like they’re still there.”
“I’m sorry,” I automatically apologized.
“Me too.”
He sighed and leant back, the light above him shining down on his chest, highlighting the Celtic knot tattooed over his heart. My eyes were automatically drawn to the simple yet complex design, my attention focusing in on the small, scrolled text that formed the dark, weaving lines. My mouth popped open in surprise as I realized I recognized what I saw.
“Gracelynn?” Sebastian leant forward again, the tattoo disappearing back into the shadows and my mind automatically clearing with its absence.
“Sorry, I’m fine. Just tired,” I lied, hating myself as the words sprung to my lips.
“I’ll let you rest then, if you’re sure you’re okay…?”
“I’m fine.” Another lie.
Sebastian frowned again, he still looked confused, like he was struggling to say something but wasn’t sure exactly what it was that he wanted to say.
“I’m sorry I woke you.” I lay back down as I spoke, firmly turning my back to him as my hands began to tremble.