by Suzi Davis
And I realized it was true. I just wanted Sebastian to be happy – whatever that meant or entailed. I could survive anything, just as long as I knew it was what he honestly and truly wanted. There was nothing with the power to hurt me now that I had given him up. I had no more fears or reservations. I calmly and sadly accepted the truth into my heart and I was no longer afraid of what he may or may not want; I wasn’t afraid of the past and what was or wasn’t true. I wasn’t even afraid of the Others anymore. I was only afraid to see him keep living with that sad and empty look in his eyes.
In that moment, I just wanted him to be happy with my whole heart and soul. It wasn’t completely selfless of me either for it was far easier to want him to be happy than to want him to be with Mags, even if it meant the same thing. I knew that my motivations were selfish to some extent and I readily admitted that to myself as I tried to accept my flaws along with everything else. And so that was what I chose to focus on. It was both a burden and a relief to stop making myself want what I thought was the right thing and to just want what I knew was right – Sebastian’s happiness.
“Sebastian, come on,” Mags urged from the top of the stairs.
The sad and distant moment between us ended. His eyes brightened slightly, refocusing on my face with a sudden intensity that was both familiar and frightening. I could see the emotions boiling deep down within him, the sadness, the confusion, the loneliness, the betrayal and the anger – the pure fury of his rage towards Caoilinn. He nodded to me, his gaze steady and intense, and then turned and began walking up the stairs towards Mags, his back to me - perhaps forever. Despite wanting his happiness so very, very badly, I still dragged my feet as I followed.
The inside of the church was cool and silent. We stepped into a small entranceway with fresh flowers in several large vases spaced about the small room and an open book with a pen for visitors to sign. There was a large, carved cross hanging directly opposite the entrance doors and the entranceway was lit up with a warm, golden light that filtered down through the skylights above. Mags latched herself onto Sebastian’s hand again and pulled him through the entranceway and to the double doors that led into the church beyond. I took a deep breath as if preparing to plunge under water, and then followed.
As soon as I stepped into the church, I was overwhelmed by the familiar sense of peace and power that all churches seemed to possess. It made my breath catch and the fine hairs on my arms stand on end. It was similar to the way I had felt at the Giant’s Ring in many regards and I struggled to fight back the wonderful and painful memories that stirred in my chest. There was a definite feel to this place that marked it as a holy place, a place for worship, a place to be closer to God, a place where no vow could or would ever be spoken lightly. For a moment, we were all silent and awed.
“May I help you?” a tall, dark-haired man asked as he turned from the holy altar where he had been lighting candles.
“I’ll go speak with him,” Sebastian murmured to Mags but in a voice just loud enough for me to hear also. “I’d like for him to use specific vows, the same ones that we first spoke to one another so long ago.”
Mags beamed as Sebastian strolled down one of the aisles and approached the minister with a smile on his face, already speaking fluently to him in Greek.
I looked about the church with wide eyes, hardly daring to step too far within its holy sanctuary. The interior was larger than it had appeared from the outside. There were at least thirty rows of pews with two aisles dividing them into three sections. The ceiling rose up high above us, a smooth and white arch beyond the curved and exposed beams. At the front of the church was a large and beautifully arranged wooden altar, behind which a massive sculpture seemed to grow out of the wall itself, depicting Jesus crucified on the cross. I felt both awed and slightly afraid by the intensity of this sacred place.
Sebastian turned and gestured to Mags, urging her to come forward. His eyes seemed to take me in too as he beckoned to us both and as always, I was unable to resist. I knew deep down in my heart that I needed to witness this and I would not back down now. And so I followed Mags to the front of the church and slid quietly into the second row pew, reaching for the bible tucked into the back of the row in front of me automatically and squeezing it tightly in my hands.
The minister announced something in Greek, in a deep and resonant voice. He moved to stand before the altar, Mags and Sebastian following him. My heart had begun picking up in pace and was now throbbing painfully in my chest, practically hammering against my ribs as if it were about to explode.
I tried to remind myself why I must want this, why Sebastian’s happiness was so important to me. I knew how I didn’t deserve him. I hadn’t wanted to believe it before but there was no denying it now. I hadn’t wanted to admit that Caoilinn was a part of me but she was. I could see Caoilinn in myself; I could feel her in both my weaknesses and my strengths. And I wasn’t afraid to see my weaknesses, to admit I had flaws and to accept them as a part of me too. I had been raised to believe I was perfect and that I was somehow better than those around me and it had always felt like a lie, but I think a small part of me had wanted to believe it nonetheless. Part of me had wanted to be perfect, to be good and to be innocent, to live apart and above the flaws of others. I could see now that I wasn’t perfect – that I was so far from perfect it was almost laughable. And though I may not deserve Sebastian, he did deserve to be happy.
A calm, acceptance washed over me as the minister began to speak.
“We are here today to remember the sacred vows you spoke before God, within the house of God, that tied you to one another as husband and wife,” the minister began, surprising me by speaking in English, his tone serious and somber, his heavily accented voice echoing throughout the silence of the empty church. Mags smiled at Sebastian encouragingly, reaching for his hand but surprisingly, he brushed her aside, giving a small, disapproving shake of his head. “These vows were not to be taken upon lightly and marked a lifetime commitment to one another, a commitment you have not fulfilled.”
It took me a second to really hear what the minister had just said. I could see the shock and confusion on Mags’ face as the meaning of the words sunk in.
“What are you–” Mags began to ask but Sebastian cut her off firmly.
“I don’t want you to speak. Just listen.”
It was what I wanted too. I was filled with a sudden desperate and sickening curiosity. And so Mags had no choice but to be quiet and to listen.
I held my breath as the minister continued. Hardly daring to hope, not knowing or understanding what was happening other than the fact that I knew this wasn’t my doing, not directly or intentionally at least.
“Under the grace of God, in the name of God, by the authority invested in me by the Orthodox Christian Church of Greece, I disavow the marital vows spoken between Sebastian Mattias Caldwood and Magdalene Bridget Driscoll. With the power invested in me and under the eyes of God, I pronounce your marriage to be annulled. May you never enter into its commitment lightly again,” the Minister finished in a stern and disapproving voice.
All of the color had drained from Mags’ face. She stood there, absolutely speechless with her mouth hanging open. Sebastian was expressionless still, as calm and collected as if this were a daily occurrence for him. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Was it real? Was it true? In just a few seconds could Sebastian’s marriage to Mags really be over?
“Are you satisfied?” the minister asked Sebastian.
“Yes, thank you.”
“Remember that your marriage is only annulled in the eyes of God, any legal commitments you may have made to one another still stand.”
“Yes, I understand. We made no other commitments. Thank you for your time,” Sebastian politely answered. The minister gave a quick nod, looking annoyed still, and then strode away down the aisle.
“What have you done?” Mags demanded, spinning to face me with fury in her eyes. “You bitch! I should ne
ver have trusted you! How can you do this to Sebastian? How can you say you ever loved him when you obviously want to destroy any chance of happiness he has?”
“I didn’t want this,” I objected. There was a steady power behind my words that made Mags pause and listen. “I thought he wanted to renew his vows to you so that was what I wanted too. I want whatever he wants; I only want for him to be happy.”
“This was what I wanted,” Sebastian pronounced darkly. He glared at Mags and then turned to glare with only slightly less ferocity at me. “You have both been ‘wanting’ what you think is right for me for too long. You’ve been pushing me into the wrong decisions and confusing my thoughts, my wants and my desires at every minute. You both stole the decisions from me that were mine and mine alone to make - until now. I think Gracelynn must have finally realized that the only course of action is to want for me to be happy above and beyond all else.”
Mags and I both stared at Sebastian in shock. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Had I done it again? Had I unintentionally manipulated him and forced my own wants upon him? I was both horrified and strangely relieved.
“You, I can forgive.” He spoke to me more softly. The anger was still there in his eyes but the outrage was gone. I could see how I’d hurt him, see how I’d confused and betrayed him but I could also see that somehow, impossibly so, he did actually love me still. My heart rejoiced as it came pounding back to life, tearing its way back into my chest and up through the darkness and desolation that had weighed down upon it. My heart ached painfully but it was incomparable to the torment I had been suffering mere moments before. There were still so many mistakes I had made, so many wrongs I had done but I accepted them now and to know that Sebastian saw and accepted my mistakes and flaws too was all I had ever truly wanted but never dared hope for.
“I have wanted the wrong thing for you before too. What we think is best is not always… what we…” he frowned in confusion, still not quite back to his old self. He gave a quick shake of his head, squinting at me slightly as if he had another headache. “There’s so much to say Gracelynn and so much for both of us to understand and remember and confess, and hopefully to forgive… But you,” he turned to Mags who had now dropped down to her knees. Fear filled her eyes as Sebastian turned to her with a powerful fury in his.
“You tried to make me forget, you tried to trick me again as you did three hundred years ago and I will never – ever, forgive you for it. This time I will never forget who you truly are, Madailein Driscoll,” he coldly pronounced.
“No,” Mags gasped, her eyes widening in horror as she looked in panic back and forth between Sebastian and myself. The name was oddly familiar, sparking a reaction deep down within my core that flared and twisted angrily in my gut. What did that name mean?
“I remember everything now – everything. All the memories that you tried to steal and take away from me, how you betrayed and manipulated me for hundreds of years all in the name of your twisted Sisterhood and their dying wish.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked. I was so confused. I struggled to keep up, to understand what was going on.
Sebastian turned to me with an angry fire still burning in his eyes. “Madailein is not and was never the first of the Others to join me. But she was the last of the Sisterhood to come after you.”
Chapter Fourteen – Scars and Fresh Wounds
“What?” I gasped. I could hear Mags breathing quickly – almost panting now, her eyes darting about wildly as if she were looking for a way to escape. She was starting to slowly rise to her knees, her eyes glistening with near madness. “Stop,” I commanded in that firm yet sweet voice that demanded to be obeyed. She froze in her tracks. “Ever since Sebastian first told me about my past life, when I was once Caoilinn, I have been afraid of the past, afraid of the magic I possess, afraid of who I really am and afraid of what the truth about me may be. But I’m not afraid anymore. I want to know the truth – the whole truth. You will sit and explain yourself to me now.”
There was no doubt in my mind about what I wanted anymore. I wasn’t even remotely surprised when Mags sat back down on the step before the altar and sullenly folded her arms across her chest, glaring at me with her tear-filled eyes.
I stood up and moved to the very front pew, sitting just a few feet in front of her. I was both surprised and pleased when Sebastian came and sat beside me, close enough that his shoulder brushed against mine.
“Who are you?”
I watched as Mags fought my will and tried to deny my wants. My magic was far too strong. Her mouth twisted angrily, tears spilled from her eyes but her lips began to move and the truth was slowly dragged from her.
“My name is Madailein Driscoll. I was the last Priestess anointed to the Sisterhood and I was to be the next to receive the Lost Magic from you. You never deigned me worthy enough for your notice though – not until the day we came for you and then the knife in my hand was impossible for you to ignore,” she coldly sneered.
My whole body went numb as a vision flashed before my eyes - Mags’ face leaning over mine, a cruel smile twisting her pretty features as she wiped away a drop of blood that had splattered against her cheek. The stars and moon were so bright, the world shimmered hazily under their eerie light. The scent of lavender perfumed the air and a drop of silver dew slid slowly down a blade of grass beside my face, a tearful goodbye as my breath shuddered from my lips. The cold world faded away and darkened…
“She was one of the Sisters who murdered Caoilinn,” Sebastian growled beside me. His whole body had become so tense that I placed a cautioning hand on his thigh without thinking. He relaxed slightly at my touch but Mags flinched at the sight, her eyes flashing dangerously.
“You deserved to die,” Mags spat at me. “You manipulated Seamus, you abused your power, you betrayed your Sisters – your crimes were limitless!”
“Is that the truth, Mags, or is that just what you want to believe?” I asked her quietly and calmly. She didn’t answer, instead she glared silently at the floor. “If Caoilinn did not grant you your powers, and Sebastian didn’t start creating the Others for several hundred years after Caoilinn’s death… how is it that you are here now?” I questioned.
She answered without hesitation. “When we discovered that Seamus had escaped and your body and spell book were missing, we guessed at what you had done. We realized we had been too late and that you had already given the Lost Magic to him. The Sisters did not know how to grant me the same abilities as theirs but they did find a way to give up and combine their abilities. They sacrificed their magic to make me strong enough to hunt Seamus and to hunt your reincarnated soul, to keep you apart and to stop the secrets of the Lost Magic from falling into the wrong hands. The only spell I was strong enough to use, the only one the Sisterhood had understood was the memory-altering spell and even then, I could only make small alterations to the minds of others. I tried so hard to be strong, to be the perfect Sister and to bring honor to the temple and the Gods but… I was weak,” Mags whispered to the floor. She briefly glanced up at me, her eyes filled with hate at how I was forcing her to admit her weaknesses and reveal all her secrets.
“I hunted Seamus for hundreds of years but he always escaped me. He didn’t want to be caught and I’m sure that you, wherever your soul was in that time between death and rebirth, didn’t want for him to be caught either. There were a few times I came close, close enough to watch him, to get to know him from his movements, his actions… and I started to fall in love.”
She looked up at Sebastian, tears shining brightly in her eyes. It was a moving sight, her shining green eyes, her pale, freckled skin, her trembling full lips all framed by waves of golden-red hair as she shifted to kneel before him.
“I loved you too much to ever be able to hurt you, Sebastian. I saw how kind you were, how lonely. I realized how you were just an innocent pawn in all of this, how Caoilinn had used and betrayed you as much as she had the Sisterhood. It took me ano
ther hundred years to decide but eventually I knew what I wanted and what I must do.”
“You lied to me. You deceived me. You manipulated and brainwashed me,” Sebastian accused in a soft and deadly voice.
Mags flinched away from him, shaking her head in denial.
“I wanted to be your friend, your companion – and I was. I didn’t want to hurt you by letting you discover the truth, so I let you think that I was normal when we first met. I let you believe what you wanted, that you loved me enough you had made me like you. And then once we were close enough, once I had gotten to know you as intimately as I do now, it was easy for me to make you see the truth.”
I could tell she believed every word that she was speaking, no matter how deranged and distorted the truth. My stomach twisted and bitter acid burned the back of my throat. I tried not to think too much about what she had just said but the words and their meaning echoed through and through my mind, bouncing off my brain and clashing through my head painfully, intimately…
“What about the Others?” I spoke a little too loudly, my voice echoing ominously around the large, empty church.
“We created them together,” Mags announced, smiling almost timidly at Sebastian. He glared back, his eyes black and unyielding. “Seamus was so unhappy searching for you, he was so lonely that I knew it was the right thing to do. It was what I wanted for him.”
“And?” I demanded, sensing that there was more.
Her eyes narrowed at me briefly before she reluctantly continued. “I knew it would be best for him to forget about Caoilinn, he was starting to already but I needed numbers on my side. I needed the Others to help make him forget. It was my idea to create them and mostly my own magic and wants that did so.”
Sebastian let out his breath in a sharp hiss. I could tell this was new information to him. I could hardly imagine how he was feeling in that moment but I pushed onwards, needing to hear the whole truth for once and praying that somehow I would understand it.