“It’s okay. Come on.”
He follows me through the park while we hunt down the nut man. I can’t believe Fin’s really here. And that I’m holding a bunch of flowers. That he bought me. I can feel his heavy presence behind me and it takes all my will to stop from smiling like the Joker.
Just breathe, Kayla.
We approach a stall at the opposite entrance near the Slave Lodge, and Fin starts rummaging in his pockets for his wallet.
“You don’t have to –” I start to say.
“Yes. I do,” he says assertively. He buys two packets of nuts, even though we probably only need one.
A guy approaches holding a McDonald’s plastic cup. Fin moves to stand between us and the beggar backs away. Fin places his arm around me and steers us back into the garden.
“I’m a big girl, you know. This is 2018.”
“Don’t take my job away from me.”
I don’t want to say the wrong thing, so I don’t say anything.
We find a good spot, and Fin flops down, stretching out across the grass. I stand with my back to him, tossing nuts onto the ground to attract a squirrel. It works: A soft, fluffy tail pokes out the bush, followed immediately by a head. The squirrel leaps over the leaves and stops at my feet. I can hear Fin chuckling behind me as I bend down to give the squirrel his prize, and I feel a rush of embarrassment, and something else as well.
Uncertainty.
I don’t know Fin at all. He could be laughing at me. I’ve been hanging around Craig too much – I’ve forgotten how to be normal around guys.
With my head lowered, I sit down on the grass next to Fin. He starts playing with my shoelace.
“What size shoe are you?” he asks.
I swing my head in alarm. “Six. Why?”
“Just asking.” He laughs, but stops himself by sucking in his teeth. He looks up at me suddenly, and I find myself staring into dark-brown eyes I don’t recognise. A bubble of panic starts to grow in my stomach.
“In the sun your eyes look green,” he says.
I exhale in relief.
He abandons my shoelace and takes an end of my hair between his fingers. “I like the blue.” In a whoosh, he’s pushed back the hood of his jacket and removed his cap. He shakes out his hair to reveal a messy mop of dark-brown curls that reach his ears.
I blush and forget how to speak again. It’s only when I reach towards the plastic Spar packet that he sits upright.
“Sorry. Food. Yes.” He grabs the bag out of my hands and starts pulling out rolls, cheese and about a hundred other things.
“Relax, dude. I can manage.”
He freezes and looks up. “Don’t call me ‘dude’. I don’t like that.”
“Oh, sorry.” I feel stung, and it obviously shows on my face.
He drops the bag. “No, no, no, don’t be upset. I just want you to call me Finlay or Fin or something. Guys call each other ‘dude’.”
“O-k-a-y. Is there anything else on your rider I should know about? Like no green M&Ms and to avoid direct eye contact?”
He’s still smiling while he passes me a roll, then gestures to all the dips and cheeses and things that he’s unpacked. “I have no idea what you like and I thought this might be a nice way to get to know you.”
I pick off a piece of dry roll and pop it in my mouth. “Nice idea, but I’m fine with anything. Is there anything you don’t eat, other than every other colour of M&M?”
“I don’t like tomato,” he says darkly, like it’s the worst food on earth.
I laugh and accidentally spray bits of roll everywhere. My hand flies over my mouth.
He smiles wider and wipes the spit-soaked bread off my knee. “Don’t worry about it. I do dumb shit all the time.”
After my initial embarrassment, I start feeling comfortable around him. I even push him on the shoulder when he teases me about my broken skater shoes. There’s a feeling growing inside me that I haven’t felt since the whole Sebastian nightmare. It’s hope. I haven’t mastered how to suppress it yet, even though I know it always leads to bitter disappointment in the end. But I can’t help that I want the things other girls have. I mean, why shouldn’t I?
When his own hand curls around mine, it feels like the most natural thing in the world. And that’s about the point at which I burst into tears.
“Hey, hey, hey, what happened?” he says, placing his other hand on my cheek.
“Sorry,” I say, blinking hard to stop myself crying. “I’m just weird.”
“I like weird.”
I shake my head, knowing I’m messing everything up.
“Not like me.”
And then everything I’ve carefully tried to keep from him rushes out in one projectile word-vomit.
“I’m not like other girls. I’m not all sweet and perfect. It’s just not me. I’m bad at it. And I’m into things I’m not supposed to like, like skating and geeky stuff. When Logan came out, all the guys in class were going on about it, but when I tried to have an actual conversation about comic-book canon, they all stared at me like I was speaking Klingon.”
He chews on crackers and listens attentively to every word. I can tell he hardly understands any of it.
“And shoes! Oh my god. Do you know how much importance the girls in my class place on shoes? I was one of two people in the whole school not wearing Adidas Superstars on civvies day, but you know what? Who cares! Owning a pair isn’t going to make them like me more. My ma only buys clothes at Mr Price and Pick n Pay because all her money goes towards this stupid school, and I don’t even want to be there.” I exhale sharply. My cheeks feel hot. “The only people who are ever nice to me are dudes who just want to hook up. Have you seen Rick and Morty? You have? Well, I call guys like that Jerrys. No imagination whatsoever.”
He reaches across for my hand. “Why don’t you just tell them to fuck off instead?”
I look at the grass. “Because I’m lonely and sometimes it feels good to be liked.”
His other hand finds my face, and he strokes my cheek. “Are you trying to push me away by telling me what you think I don’t want to hear?”
I look away.
“Because I’m not going anywhere, Kayla Murphy.”
WE LIE SIDE by side, our fingers intertwined, and watch the sky transform from morning to afternoon and then evening.
“If I wanted to be just like everyone else, I wouldn’t be in Dark Father. Sometimes standing out and being different is a good thing.”
I turn my head and we smile together. “I guess we’re like mutants. Special.”
“Exactly.”
“Fin?”
“Yeah?
“You’re not a Jerry.”
All things considered, it was a pretty great date.
Finlay
LANSDOWNE, SUNDAY
She gets so excited when she talks about superheroes. About herself, not so much. She puts herself down a lot. I don’t care – I’m the same. It’s actually funny how similar we are.
It was the perfect day. Even when she told me about all the guys she’s hooked up with, I didn’t care. Besides, I know the game. I know how guys manipulate girls into getting what they want. And Kayla’s not that emotionally strong. It was probably easy for them. Hell, it was easy for me. I feel a little bad for being so complimentary now, but I was desperate to win her over.
But one day soon those idiots are going to meet Thor.
I can’t stop thinking about her. I spend the evening Googling the Marvel database and Wikipedia on my phone to read up on all the comics she’s mentioned. It’s a whole new world to me. I don’t like reading – I’d rather watch the movies. I watch some old Rick and Morty episodes online, laughing every second. Writing songs is different. The words come to me as music. Ask me to write a sentence, and I’ll stare at the blank page all day.
She’s really into music too. Classical music and opera. She thinks we’re different, but I disagree. And it’s early days – she’ll see our similarities
and maybe then she’ll be the one wanting to run away. Me, when I meet a girl I want, I go all in. I can feel myself falling already. That scares some girls off. Why do they always like you better when you’re not interested? I’ve never figured that out.
There’s an album launch happening tonight in the city. Kayla can’t go because of school. I told her I’ll see her tomorrow.
I’m supposed to be getting ready but I’m copying her Facebook pictures onto my phone. When it’s already past the time I was supposed to meet Bones at the corner, I rush around trying to find the right kicks and a decent hoodie.
I message her from the car.
Hey, girl. What you up to?
I’m in bed already. It’s late.
I look at the time on my phone. It’s past ten. Damn.
Just wanted to say goodnight.
Goodnight, Fin.
I hate that she needs to sleep so early. The city is just waking up now.
As the City Golf zooms towards the club, all the flickering lights below come into view. My playground. Most supporting acts won’t even have come on yet.
Bones and I strut into the club and slap hands with all the scenesters crammed inside. Some new band is wailing on the stage. We ignore it, because bands don’t watch other bands from the audience. It’s backstage or nothing. Because we’re on the guest list, drinks are free, so we hit the bar hard.
A gorgeous blonde and her friend materialise in front of us, all lipgloss and mascara.
“Hey, you guys are in Dark Father, right? I love you so much. The band obviously, not you personally. Ha ha.”
Bones flashes his signature smile, which always seals the deal. “That’s so nice of you to say. Hey, what’s your name, girl? Can I get you a drink? Let’s go talk over there.”
Bones and the blonde disappear, leaving me with the friend. She blinks at me hopefully and sways from side to side. Her dress is so short it could be a T-shirt.
“Later,” I say, pretending I’ve seen someone on the other side of the room. In seconds, I’ve blended into a huddle of people I know.
I feel on top of the world. I keep slipping my phone out of my pocket to check if Kayla’s messaged again, but she’s probably sleeping by now. Conversation is hard to follow above the tinny music blasting from the speakers – they’re not the right amperage for this size of club. I leave the group and walk around aimlessly until I find an empty seat on the balcony, away from the crowds. I put my feet up on the railing and spend the next hour rereading our WhatsApp history.
I like that she has no game. That even though she’s had it rough, she’s not completely jaded yet. She’s so open and needy, even if she doesn’t know it, naïvely thinking her Prince Charming is going to come to rescue her. Is it too much to want her to think that’s me, even for a little while?
I’m not perfect. But she is. She’s for real. And that doesn’t last long in this world. I want to keep her around until she figures out the real me. Till then I want to keep her safe, be everything she wants me to be.
I smile at the picture on my phone. She’s so pretty. She makes me want to believe I can be the good guy for once.
Not good-for-nothing Finlay September.
And if I keep at it long enough, and if I save her, maybe it will come true.
Kayla
RONDEBOSCH, MONDAY
I can’t stop smiling. I keep pinching myself. I’m going to see Fin again in a few hours. Instead of paying attention in class, I keep reliving moments from yesterday. I unlock my phone. There’s always a message from Fin waiting.
Bored. Tell me a secret.
I’m actually an alien.
That explains everything.
Now you.
It’s easier for me to write songs about people than actually talk to them. I wrote a song about you.
Craig notices me smiling and raises his chin in question. I turn away and pretend not to notice. Craig is part of the past. To be honest, I don’t care if I ever speak to him again. Or Sebastian. Especially Sebastian.
In light of recent events, I’m being particularly careful to avoid Julia and Lucinda. So during break I find a spot in the library and start my homework so that I have more time to spend with Fin after school. I don’t notice Craig follow me in and sit down across from me.
He places his can of Fanta Grape right on top of my Science homework.
“What’s up, pretty lady? You’ve been avoiding me.”
I remove the can with my fingertips. “So? I don’t owe you anything.”
He raises his eyebrows and nods slowly in an impressed sort of way. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot, Kayla. That’s what guys do when they like girls. They think about them, daydream about them.”
I laugh and turn back to my work. “But I thought I was like your sister.”
“You’re way more than a sister to me. I don’t like this whole hard-to-get vibe you’re giving off. It makes me think you don’t like me.”
“I don’t like you. Now that there’s no more confusion, you can get on with your life.”
He flashes me a toothy grin. “Feisty! So, what can I do to change your mind?”
I slam my book shut and get up. “You can A, drop dead or B, go fuck yourself. You choose.”
As I walk away, I’m secretly high-fiving myself for causing that spectacular look of astonishment on his face.
I’m not an idiot. Craig doesn’t mean anything he says. He’s just horny or he doesn’t like the fact that I’m not running after him anymore. He doesn’t want to be my boyfriend. I keep replaying my last conversation with Fin. It’s wonderful not caring about any of that old crap. I’m free.
Fin’s not interested in having me for just one night. He wants to know me. Everything about me. Not Julia Montgomery. Me.
I walk along the empty passageways lost in thought. But what if this isn’t real? Fin has never kissed me. What if he doesn’t want to? What if it’s all an act? I push away the thought. I can’t do this self-torture thing anymore. But it’s impossible to switch off. As soon as my mind starts to drift, it starts again.
Fin has every reason to not want to kiss me – he knows about Craig and Sebastian. I can’t believe I’ve told him everything, but I needed to see his reaction. If I were him, I would be running for the next province.
Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to kiss me.
Stop it, Kayla.
I just want time to go faster, but after break I have to suffer through three more periods.
In Music, I pick up my flute and concentrate on my sonata. My hands won’t stop shaking and I keep slipping up, hitting false notes. Lucinda can’t keep her frustration to herself and slams the piano keys every time I make a mistake. I feel like I’m in a nest of cobras, playing my flute to keep them away and failing miserably.
No one says anything to me about Fin, so they obviously don’t know yet.
In English, I finish the rest of my homework because it’s our weekly reading period. Which also gives me a handy excuse to not speak to anyone. Craig has stopped trying to get my attention but I make the mistake of looking up at one point, and one of Sebastian’s friends makes a vulgar gesture with a pencil in my direction.
So the news of what happened with Sebastian has officially leaked.
I remind myself that Fin doesn’t care – that’s all that matters. I imagine he’s here with me, his soft curly hair and broken-toothed smile. Thinking about him brings a rush of calmness. He wouldn’t play me.
Would he?
When the end-of-day bell rings, I grab my bag and push my way to the door before anyone else, and run as fast as I can down the passageways to leave. There’s no way Fin will be at my house yet, not if he’s coming all the way from Lansdowne, but that doesn’t stop me from rushing.
I burst out of the front double doors into the cold air, and see him waiting at the gate with his red hood pulled over his head. Panic seizes me, and I look around wildly for any sign of Julia or Lucinda.
He sm
iles. “What took you so long? I’ve been waiting twenty minutes already.”
“What are you doing here? What if Julia or one of her friends sees you?” But at the same time, I can’t even describe what a relief it is to hear his gravelly voice.
Everyone swerves around us, leaving us alone on our own little island where no one can touch us. As Fin picks up my bag, Craig and his friends walk past in a smirking huddle.
“Is that your new stuk, Kayla? Run out of boys from this school?”
My bag drops to my feet. I look up to see a dangerous look on Fin’s face.
“Fin?”
But it’s too late. He’s already closed the distance between himself and the group. He grabs the nearest guy and smashes his fist into his face. I scream as the rest scatter – everyone except Craig, who looks around as if he doesn’t know whether to stay or go.
Fin pivots on his feet and lands a punch in Craig’s face, taking him to the ground, then kicks him hard in the ribs before stalking back to me. I’m shaking, but I find myself falling into step beside him.
“Please tell me one of those dorks was Craig or Sebastian,” he asks.
I nod. “Craig.”
“Good.” He shakes out his fist and pulls my bag off his shoulder. “Tell me where the other one lives and I’ll kick his ass too.”
My heart is going thump-thump-thump in my chest.
“Why did you do that, Fin? They were just talking crap. Everyone talks crap.”
“Not to you, they don’t. The sooner they learn that, the better.” I can see that he’s still furious. His chest heaves with anger.
“Did that seriously just happen? I mean … you just hit two guys. For me?”
“And?”
Stars pop before my eyes, like I’m about to faint.
“Nothing. Totally normal. Happens to me all the time.” My voice has gone high again. I clear my throat. “Um … Where are we going?”
He laughs, revealing his broken tooth, and puts his arm around me.
“I was thinking maybe we could go see a movie at Cavendish Square. Get some Burger King.”
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