Swell Foop

by Piers Anthony

"She is pretty, beautiful, esthetic, appealing to the eye and touch. A suitable love object."

  "Love-what is that?"

  Justin laughed. "Perhaps we shall never completely understand it. I love Breanna of the Black Wave."

  "She is lovely?"

  "Yes. But it is more than that. She is imperious, forthright, aggressive, and quick to take offense."

  "These resemble Demon traits. That is why she compels your love?"

  Justin shook his head ruefully. "No, they might be considered faults in a woman. But they only make me love her more."

  "You like faults?"

  "I don't know how to explain it, because the whole business is rather new to me, for all that I have loved her three years. I-I simply want to be with her, in every way. Without her I am incomplete."

  "Does Demon Xanth love Chlorine?"

  "Yes, I believe he does."

  "And that emotion contributes to his success in Demon contests?"

  "It may. I really am not party to Demon ways."

  "I am. Xanth has changed, and thereby benefited at the expense of other Demons. I want to learn his secret. Teach me love."

  "Demon Earth, this is impossible! Love cannot be taught, only experienced."

  "Xanth learned it. I can learn it. Teach me."

  Justin cast about for some way to clarify it for an entity that had no emotion other than the one implanted by the Swell Foop. "My own understanding is imperfect. I cannot describe it. But perhaps if I give an example of our interaction, that will suggest its nature to you. You might picture it as something you are doing, and try to gain the feeling thereof. Then, possibly, you will understand."

  "An interaction of love?"

  "Yes. Of the way Breanna and I relate. I think you have not seen her. She is a young female human being with-"

  "I have seen the human body Fornax is using. Is that similar?"

  "That would be Jaylin. Yes, in the broad essentials, though they are quite different people. For one thing, Breanna is of the-"

  "Jaylin will do. I can picture her in your scene."

  That suited Justin. He wasn't at all sure he wanted the Demon Earth picturing Breanna as his own love object. That might be foolish jealousy on his part, but at least Jaylin was neutral. "Very well. Since you can experience the emotion of hope, think of love as an intense variant of that, with a person as the object."

  "Present your example."

  "Well, it happened soon after Breanna insisted that I convert from tree to human form. I was as yet a bit unsteady on my feet, after about seventy-six years with a trunk instead of legs. She said she didn't mind-" As he spoke, he visualized the scene, and the Demon Earth watched that picture.

  Justin tripped and almost fell, but Breanna caught him, hugging him to her. She brought her face to his and kissed him. This was the first time, and it made him dizzy, so that he might have lost his balance again, but for her firm clasp.

  "I apologize for my infirmity," he said. "It is merely that-"

  "If you don't get steady, I'll kiss you again," she said as she let him go.

  He essayed another step. "If you intend that as punishment, it is misdirected. I-" He started to fall.

  She caught him again, and hugged him, and kissed him. "It is not intended as punishment," she said. "But as encouragement. I figure a few hundred kisses should do it."

  "A few hundred!"

  She made a cute frown. "I'm willing to go a thousand, if necessary. But you had better make some progress."

  "A thousand!"

  She glanced quizzically at him. "You don't get it, do you?"

  "Get what?" he asked, perplexed.

  "I'm teasing you."

  "Teasing me? I thought you were helping me to walk."

  "That too. What I mean is, I'm pretending that you don't like to be kissed, so you will hurry to walk well."

  "Oh, Breanna, I don't regard-"

  "Or that you are a very slow learner."

  "I apologize for that."

  "It's a bleeping pretext to kiss you!" she snapped.

  Justin was momentarily stunned by the bad word from her dear lips. Then she kissed him again, and he began to understand. "Tease me some more," he said blissfully.

  "That's more like it." Then she saw something ahead. "What's that?" Her moods were mercurial, shifting from romance to practicality in a fraction of an instant. He liked that about her. But of course he liked everything about her.

  He looked where she was looking. "That is a suit tree," he said, for he knew trees well. "It grows flight suits."

  "Flight suits! You mean they fly?"

  "They enable those who wear them to fly. Would you care for a demonstration?"

  "Sure. Maybe flying'll be easier than trying to walk with you." Then, before he could misunderstand again, she kissed him once more.

  They donned flight suits and flew up over the forest. The flight suits made it easy; all they had to do was think high, and they lifted, and think forward, and they moved that way. But then they began to lose altitude.

  "I fear the magic energy of the suits is being expended," Justin said regretfully. "They are not intended for long flights. Just far enough to get their seeds spread a reasonable distance."

  "That's okay." She flew into him, grabbed him, and kissed him as they descended.

  And their descent stopped. But when the kiss ended, they dropped down again. "Your kiss made me light-headed," he explained. "So the suit was able to sustain me."

  She laughed. "You know, every so often I still forget how literal Xanth can be."

  They landed beside a tangle tree, and kissed again, as Justin was still a trifle unsteady. A tentacle reached out to wrap around Breanna's leg. "Oh yeah?" she demanded, drawing her sharp knife.

  "Stop!" It was a wood nymph with tangled green hair. "Don't you dare hurt my tree!"

  "Who are you?" Breanna demanded.

  "I am the nymph of this tree."

  "Tangle trees have nymphs?"

  "Indeed some do," Justin said. "Note her matching hair."

  "Then tell it to un-tentacle me," Breanna said.

  The nymph touched the tentacle, and it unwound. "That's good," the nymph said, speaking to the tree. "We mustn't eat people who are in love." She patted the tentacle, and it formed into a heart shape.

  "Everybody loves a lover," Justin said, as the memory scene concluded.

  The Demon Earth was not quite convinced. "All you did was kiss."

  "Yes. That was all we wanted to do. That is the way of love."

  "I shall have to try it."

  "There is nothing like a loving kiss," Justin said. "Fornax kissed you, but that was calculation rather than love, so it lacked full impact."

  "Then what of the sights of the body? You did not wish me to see those."

  "That is different. A woman uses those to bemuse a man, or even freak him out. It's a weapon. Fornax was trying to dazzle you with a female bosom, and then with panties. You would have been helpless."

  "Doesn't love make you helpless?"

  Justin paused. "You have a point. But there is a distinction between sex appeal and love. Fornax does not love you; she merely wishes to dazzle you long enough to win the game."

  "Kisses are love. Body sights are dazzle."

  This remained difficult. "Not necessarily. Fornax's kisses aren't love. They are a deceit. But if she can make you love her, then she can win."

  "But she can show me the body at any time. Why did she not do so?"

  "Well, she did, at the end. But we managed to prevent her from stripping all the way down. Otherwise-" Then Justin suffered a realization. "Panty magic! It shouldn't exist here!"

  "Magic does not exist beyond the Demon Xanth's domain," Earth agreed. "Except in very limited degree. Each Demon has its own special force, substance, or quality."

  "So Jaylin's panties would not have freaked us out," Justin said. "Fornax must know that. So she pretended, but stopped short of full revelation. She can't completely dazzle you; she
has to make you desire her."

  "I did desire her, when I touched her."

  "Yes, I felt it too." Then Justin suffered another realization. In Xanth, a bulb would have flashed, but here it was just a bright thought. "Desire! That's her emotion. When we touched, she felt some of your hope, and thought she might win you, and you felt some of her desire."

  "That is a viable emotion?"

  "Yes, desire is an emotion. Now we know her weakness. She desires! She is no longer just trying to gain status; she wants the thrill of victory."

  "In what manner does this knowledge improve our situation?"

  "We now know more than she thinks we do. When she tries another bluff, threatening to show panties, we can call it, or we can pretend to be freaked out, so that she will think she is winning, when she is not."

  "Suppose she kisses me again, and shares her desire? Will I not then be in her power?"

  "Not if you only pretend to be overcome by that desire. I think she wants to subvert you, so that when a member of our rescue party comes to lead you out, you will decline to go. Make her believe that you have been successfully subverted, and then go when the rescue comes. That will turn her ploy against her and give us victory."

  "You reason like a Demon," Earth said approvingly. "But the contact with her mortal body was pleasant, and now that I have seen how love is made up mostly of kisses, I will enjoy more of those with her."

  "Just make sure that it doesn't become real," Justin said. "You must seem to love or desire her, even to freak out, without actually doing so. On that hinges victory-or defeat."

  "Victory," Demon Earth agreed, feeling strong hope.

  But Justin had a private, nagging doubt. Desire could be treacherous, as could any emotion. Fornax's next approach, as she learned to handle emotion, might be considerably more formidable.

  ***

  Breanna led the way down the passage, with Che closely following. "I'm afraid there will be some trick," she said internally to Demoness Venus. "This has been too easy so far."

  "I never knew what love was, before," Venus said dreamily.

  They came to a well-lighted cross-hall. "We will check this way," Che said.

  "Watch your tail, horsehead," she told him as she took the darker passage. "There are still seven guards out there somewhere."

  "We'll pulverize them," he said gruffly. That was angry Demon Mars talking. She hoped Mars was as tough as he talked.

  "He is," Venus said. "He controls the electromagnetic force."

  "That's right-each of you associate with a force, don't you. Sort of the way we mortals each have a magic talent. What's yours?"

  "The weak nuclear force. It's not really weak; that's just in comparison to the strong force. It operates between elementary particles. I don't use it much."

  "I never knew that Demons had forces," Breanna said. "I mean, before this mission."

  "We Demons operate the universe," Venus said. "We are everywhere, taking local form where convenient. Without us, nothing would exist." She paused. "In fact, nothing does exist."

  "No, hold on there half a moment! How can we be here talking about it, if nothing exists?"

  "It is in how you look at it. The universe is without form and void, but we have made an imperfection that stirs up an equation of particles and antiparticles balancing each other, and energy and anti-energy. All together it amounts to nothing, but as long as the elements are apart, the universe seems to exist. We Demons are the aspects of the equation."

  Breanna struggled with that. "My head feels like solid wood at the moment. An unsolved equation makes the universe exist?"

  "Consider the equation 6 + 5 = 12 - 1. What happens when you solve it?"

  "That's 11 = 11. If you put both numbers on the same side, you get 1111 = 0, or 0 = 0. Nothing."

  "Precisely. When you solve it you are left with nothing. But if you don't solve it, you have several real numbers. We Demons are those numbers."

  Breanna concentrated, and almost saw it. "You know, my talent is seeing in darkness, but this is something else. I guess I need a little more. What are those numbers in practical terms?"

  "If you take a person made of matter, and put him together with his antimatter opposite, they will neutralize each other and be nothing."

  "I thought it would be total conversion to energy."

  "No. Total conversion to nothing, as with the solved equation. Implosion, leaving no trace. That is why we can't afford to let Fornax join us. She is on the other side. It will be the end of us. The universe as we know it exists only as long as these elements are kept apart."

  "But wouldn't that destroy Fornax too?"

  "Yes."

  "Then why is she so eager to take over?"

  "It would be very high status to destroy the universe."

  And Demons cared only about status. "For sure."

  The passage came to a closed-off stairway, completely dark. Breanna used her key to open it, and stepped cautiously down. She had no trouble seeing her way, but was wary of it for other reasons. She moved as quietly as she could, alert for guards, but there did not seem to be any in this area. Where were they?

  The next floor down turned out to be a high balcony of a giant ballroom. There was music wafting up from an orchestra, and couples were dancing below.

  Couples? She had somehow thought this castle was empty, aside from Fornax and Earth, except for the raiders and the guards. So what was going on here?

  "I love it!" Venus said. "We must join them."

  "And give ourselves away?" But Breanna felt the love too. Dancing was one of the things lovers did. She had never really danced with Justin. Unless she counted the time near the beginning when he had been unsteady on his feet, and she had played a game of hugging and kissing him every time he stumbled. That had been fun. He had been nearly a century old, but childlike in his inexperience with love.

  "Love!" Venus thought avidly. "You love!"

  And Venus had been primed with that emotion. "For sure. We're about to be married."

  "I want to get married!"

  "I don't think Demons do that."

  "What of Xanth?"

  "He fell in love. I guess you're right; Demons can do it, if they have a mind to. But your emotion will fade when this game is done and the Swell Foop goes out of play."

  "I don't want to lose it. I must keep it."

  Breanna pondered. "I suppose if Xanth could learn it, so could you. Try to remember exactly what this feeling of love is like, so you don't lose it."

  "Tell me of your scenes of love with Justin Tree."

  "Well, we haven't consummated it yet. That comes half an instant after the wedding. We have done some necking and petting, but that's not the same thing as love. Really, it's just being together when you're in love."

  "How was it?"

  Breanna thought back to that early sequence, reliving it. They had found flying suits, then almost run afoul of a tangle tree with a nymph with tangled hair. She got back into the scene, enjoying the memory.

  Farther along in the forest was a handsome yellow stallion. They paused in their chronic kissing to admire him. "You don't see many straight horses here," Justin remarked.

  "I don't see many kissing couples here, either," the horse replied.

  Both looked at him more closely, startled. "Did you talk?" Breanna asked.

  "Of course I talked. But you started it. I don't suppose you have a nice filly for me to kiss?"

  "I'll kiss you," Breanna said. "If you tell me who you are and how you came here."

  "I belonged originally to Achilles, but he had a foot problem and died. He was Greek, incidentally. Since then I have wandered a bit. This seemed like a nice land, so I am grazing it for a while."

  "Achilles' talking horse!" Justin exclaimed. "You are famous."

  "I wouldn't know about that. I don't normally talk to strangers, but you provoked me."

  "We didn't mean to," Breanna said. "We apologize, gourd style." She reached up to hug his
head and plant a kiss on his nose. Horses of any kind liked girls' kisses.

  "Where is this gourd you speak of?"

  Breanna looked around. "It's an entry to the realm of dreams. They do have dream horses there. You might want to investigate." She spotted a gourd. "There's one! But one thing about them: You don't want to stay at the peephole too long, because-"

  She stopped, because Xanthus had walked to the gourd, put his eye down, and disappeared into it.

  "Then again, maybe you are a dream horse," she concluded. Then she turned to Justin. "Where were we?"

  "I think we were about to kiss."

  "That's it! Thanks for reminding me." She kissed him.

  A harpy landed on a nearby branch. "Disgusting!" she screeched. "Haven't you idiots anything better to do than smooch all day?"

  "No," Justin said dreamily.

  "No? How would like some poop on your head, bleep-brain?"

  "If you can't say anything positive, I'll smooch you," Breanna said evenly.

  The harpy almost fell off her perch. "No thanks! I'm not of that persuasion. I'll take a goblin any day."

  "A goblin?"

  "Don't you know, pantywaist?" the harpy screeched. "There are so precious few males of our kind, we go after goblins now. They have the other halves of our magic talents. They provide the definition, we provide the strength. Together we can do anything."

  "No you can't," Breanna said hotly. "You can't have any talents that have been had before."

  "That's all you know, soot-face. Talents can occur up to once per species, per generation. We researched it. We have a lot of talents to go."

  "How about the talent of getting lost?"

  "We can have that too, smooch-for-brains. I'll show you." The harpy spread her dirty wings and took off.

  "That was clever," Justin murmured.

  "Well, I'm not nearly as dull as I seem." She kissed him again.

  They continued in similar manner until they got where they were going. They celebrated that event by kissing again, and went on with their lives.

  "So you see, without love, it's pretty pointless," Breanna concluded. "But with love, it's completely fulfilling."

  "I must go kiss someone!"

  "I don't think that's wise." But Breanna was swept along by the Demoness's eager new emotion. They made their way down the stairs that circled the ballroom. Could any of the dancers be guards? But there were only seven guards remaining, and there were dozens of dancers.