by Anne Martin
My grandma tapped my on my head and slipped a lump of sugar into my hand. “Go see Narcissus. He needs a lump.”
I took off out the door, slipping through the shadows to the barn and the stalls. I ran my hand over the wall, careless of slivers. What was wrong with me? I’d managed to never panic with Jackson. I’d been in the spotlight for years, keeping my whole neurosis to myself.
“Hey there,” I said when I got to Narcissus’s stall. The old pale stallion snorted and jerked his head before he acknowledged me. I put the sugar on my palm and he mouthed it up, lips velvet over the old yellow teeth. I climbed over the door and wrapped my arms around his neck. He nibbled on my hair before he snorted and grabbed the back of my jeans with his teeth. He lifted me off the ground for a second.
“Really? You want a run?” I smoothed down his neck and shoulders then swung up on his back. He unlatched the door and pushed it open then left at a trot, heading towards the stockade. A cowboy saw us coming and opened the gate, letting us into the enclosure. We trotted around easy then I nudged him with my knees and he rose on his hind legs, front legs in the perfect position. I hung suspended on his back, the strength of him holding me up until he landed on all fours with a jolt and a shake of his mane.
“Too old for that kind of thing? Me too. Let’s do a few laps. Nice. Easy. Gee-Yup!” He took off like a dart while I gripped him with my knees, no saddle between his heaving sides and my thighs. He didn’t last as long as he used to, but he still had the speed, the power. Once he’d run himself tired, he slowed to a trot and headed back to the stall.
The cowboy was still there, tipping his hat to me as I passed. I sat back and Narcissus stopped.
“Matt? Is that you? Deb said you were a big shot in the feed business.”
He took off his hat and grinned at me. “Did she? She’s the big shot, party planner of the stars. And you’re the star. It’s good to see you, Jess. Are you going to invite me to your wedding? I’d like a dance if you could spare one.”
I ran my hands up and down Narcissus’s neck. “I don’t think that’s something you want to see. I don’t think I’ll be able to go through with it. Then again, if you want, you can bring some popcorn. How long has she been smoking again?”
“When you disappeared ten years back. If you didn’t need her to hang around, why worry about cancer?”
I put my head down on the mane and tried not to cry. I didn’t sob, but my tears soaked into the rough hair.
He put a hand on my leg, his touch calming, soothing. “She’s got a call to live as she sees fit. But you did worry her. All of us. Even your dad came around a year or so later. He said you left a message that you were fine, but he’d seen neither hide nor hair of you for years. He didn’t find you for a few years after that. You sure know how to hide in plain sight. Like a gecko.”
The horse shifted under me, relaxing and getting comfortable like we were going to stand there all day. “Matt, what’s wrong with me? You’ve known me forever.”
“Nothing’s wrong, you’re just a little skittish. The right man will know how to take care of you.”
I laughed and straightened up. “That’s what I need, a good man? I don’t suppose you have one of those in your pocket, do you?” I shook my head. “You’re a good one. I’m sorry about your marriage not working out.”
“I wasn’t as good as I could have been. You’re getting married. I hope things work out well. I’ll be there wishing you the best.”
I sniffled and smiled down at him. “That isn’t what I deserve.”
“May we never get what we deserve.”
I laughed and he handed me a handkerchief. I blew my nose and tucked the hanky into my pocket. “Thanks. Thanks for keeping an eye on Cora.”
He scratched his ear. “Well, I’d like to say that’s what I do, but it seems like she keeps an eye on me. I have a little girl Cora’s teaching.”
“You have a daughter? That’s wonderful.”
He nodded. “She’s a sweet thing. The divorce has been hard on her, but she’s strong.”
“You should bring her to the wedding. Deb’s doing it so it’ll be something.”
“You two were a reckless riot. Remember when you lit the barn on fire?”
“And you put it out. You never told grandma, but I remember your lecture like it was yesterday. You didn’t need to lift a hand to drive home the point. I was so sorry to disappoint you. You were my hero.”
“Listen to you, all sentimental. Listen, Jessie, I’m proud of you for making your own way. If you couldn’t do that unless you cut your ties, I understand. Your grandma understands too, she just wishes she could have cheered you on.”
I made a rude sound. “Or watch me fall on my behind in front of a million viewers.”
He laughed. “There was some of that. We watched the three hundred every year after your dad let her know where you were.” He whistled low as he rubbed Narcissus’s nose. “Some of your stunts were near suicidal. Your kind of my daughter’s hero.”
“Oh, heavens, don’t say that. Sometimes I look at those races, those dismounts and can’t believe I’d risk my neck and my horse’s legs like that. I’m too reckless.”
“You push your limits. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I’m glad you’re settling down.”
I nodded. “I am. I have a ranch, the JS south of Abilene. Don’t tell Cora.”
He laughed, low and rumbling. It reminded me of Hank. Maybe they were relatives. I nudged Narcissus forward and he trotted with his head held high, picking up his feet like he was carrying a queen.
Chapter 10
“Why are you really marrying her,” Cora asked as soon as Jessie split.
I’d gotten up to go after her, but I’d have to go through the old woman as lean as a rattler and twice as tough. I had the keys. I could hopefully track her down before she left the continent.
“She asked me to.”
She raised her brows and put out the cigarette. “She hates when I smoke. I shouldn’t antagonize her, not when she’s clearly unbalanced. You marry anyone who asks you?”
“No. It’s my fault she ran. I’m the billionaire who broke her heart. She wants closure, so she’s going to have a big wedding and then dump me in front of everyone.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “You don’t think she’ll do it?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what she’ll do. I didn’t think she’d scrape me unconscious off a bar in Vegas and take me home. This is her ride. I’m just a passenger.”
She snorted. “You’re not that kind of man, sitting back and watching things happen. Why did you say that about the other lady friend of yours?”
I shrugged. Why had I said that? “I’m not going to apologize.”
“No, not if you’re angry because she cut and ran. I’m angry. How long did it take you to find her?”
I hesitated. “Too long. Why did she run? I still don’t understand. She could have said no thank-you and good-bye. It’s not like I would have locked her up in a closet.”
She stared at me for a long time, a half-smile on her lips. “You were the one she couldn’t say no to. You’re nothing like I figured you’d be. Complicated. Come on. You’re nervous she’s going to take off. We can watch her run in circles.”
She headed out of the trailer and I followed, ducking to get through the doorway. We headed to the stockade. I watched Jessie on the back of an enormous white horse. He stood on his hind legs like something apocalyptic before they were racing. She was so small on his broad back, two bodies in perfect unison as they tore around the enclosure. I leaned my elbows on the fence watching the woman harness the power of the beast with seemingly little effort. After she’d exercised the horse adequately, she went towards the gate and stopped to chat with a cowboy. That’s when I noticed the way her grandmother was watching me.
I raised my eyebrows. “Ma’am?”
She shook her head and scuffed the dirt. “She’s always been a puzzle to me. I thought she belon
ged on a horse, but she wanted to be a lady in a sitting room with her crochet.”
“Maybe she can be both.”
“Hmph. If you’re going to break her heart again, let me know so I can put a halter on her first.”
“I’ll be sure to do that.” I started towards Jessie, but Cora grabbed my arm, holding me back.
“I’m real proud of her. I had a battle a few years back. Went to tell her, ask her to look after me, but there she was showing the world what she could do. I’ve never seen anything like that before.”
I swallowed and covered her hand with mine. “You should tell her.”
“I’m not sick now.” She waved her hand like it didn’t matter.
“She should know that you need her and that you’re proud of her. She’d never leave you if you needed her.”
“You know that, do you? Hmph. You’d better get her before Matt falls in love with her. Then again, maybe you need some competition to make you serious about the race.”
I exhaled and smiled. “It’s not my race. I hope that she finds her happy ending, but I have no hope that it will be with me.”
“I saw how you watched her ride. You’re smitten.”
“Any man with a beating heart would be. She’s exquisite. She knows it too.”
“But she doesn’t know that you love her.”
“How can I love someone I don’t know?”
“You know that she’d never leave someone who needs her. You know that she still aches for you, or you wouldn’t have hurt her by talking about the brilliant woman who is everything that makes my granddaughter feel inferior.”
“I know that she would leave without a word and never look back. I know that she doesn’t know who she is or what she wants. I’m giving her this wedding so that both of us can move on. There’s too much heartache looking backwards.”
She put her hand on my chest and studied me with blue eyes that were still bright above her pink-tipped nose. “I don’t have any good advice for you. I do know that she kept your letters.”
“How could she keep them? She never went back to the school after she came here that last time.”
“No, but she always had them with her. They were in her folder where she kept her postcards from her parents and my paper clippings about her favorite horses. She still has it with her. She carried our love with her and that’s how she made it so far from what she knew.”
She patted my chest one more time and turned, coughing into her arm as she headed back to her trailer.
I stood there for a long time until Jessie’d left the cowboy and was in the stable. I walked the long way to the Bugatti, but she was already there, leaning on the hood of the million dollar car, red cowboy boot on the silver paint.
“I told you it was a bad idea,” she said without looking at me.
“So you did. You should make a calendar, you draped over hoods of expensive cars. We could pay the house taxes with it.”
“What will you do? You have a lot of friends who can help you find work, right?”
“Work? Me? If I get that desperate, I think I’ll go straight to stripping. You’ll set me up with your friends, right?”
She slid off the hood and brushed off her butt like my car was dusty. Maybe it was after it had been parked at the stockade. “I know them. They aren’t my friends. Sure. I can fix you up in Vegas with any number of careers. You’ll fit right in with the men who spend all their income on gambling. Seriously, what are you going to do after the wedding? You need to start going to gambler’s anonymous. I have a friend who can stay with you. He’s really good at keeping people away from vices. I can pay for him, if you need it.”
I shook my head and got in the car. I gripped the steering wheel while my jaw trembled from clenching it. She was doing it, that thing where she took care of you when you needed her. All I had to do to keep her was to need her for the rest of my life. The thing is, I’d needed her when she’d left, she just hadn’t realized it.
We announced our engagement the next evening at a big party at the country club. We’d gone shopping and she wore a red strapless thing that certainly drew the eye. She’d waved at the crowd like she knew everyone and they loved her. She really had gotten accustomed to being in the spotlight.
We left soon after that so we didn’t have to talk to anyone who was more curious than they were polite. On the drive home, she pulled off her red satin heels and the heavy diamond necklace. She handled the diamonds like someone who wasn’t afraid of losing money.
“Do you have your list of guests to give to Deb yet?” I asked.
She made a face at me. “Grandma, Matt, and his little girl. That’s three more than I’d like.”
“He has a little girl? That’s sweet.”
She shrugged, but there was something soft in her eyes that I hadn’t seen since she came down the stairs in that dress.
“How about you, Jackson? Do you have your list of ex-girlfriends?”
I hesitated. “Sure.” No. I’d made a point to not have girlfriends. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, so why bother? I had a few friends who were women. I respected a few enough that something could have happened, but there hadn’t been the same feeling I’d had with Jessie. It wasn’t just the lack of chemistry, it was the lack of peace. When I was with Jessie, I’d always been content. My usual constant gnawing left me. I didn’t feel that way when she was wearing her Jezabel. That’s when I wanted to take her through the sprinkler and roll her in mud until she came up my sweet Jessie again.
Not that she was mine.
That evening when we got home, she went for a ride on the horse, Sparkle. I didn’t go with her. I had some calls to make. I’d just hung up with a chemist in Hong Kong when my phone rang.
The number was restricted. “Hello?” I asked, tentatively.
“Hola! Has Jezabel gone crazy? My husband says that you’re too boring for her, even if you are a skeet shooter.”
“Who is this? How did you get my number?” I was more intrigued than irritated.
“Oh! I’m Felicia. I’m best friends with Jez. She tries not to have friends, but what she really needs is to get knocked up. Are you blond? She should have little angel babies. I can be their godmother. The husband wants to have babies, but I’m too busy being auntie Felicia. He knows you.”
“He thinks I’m boring? Who is your husband?”
“Alexander Randall Sergei White of Derwin, Connecticut.”
“Alex White of White mill and corp? He’s more boring than I am. At least I do more than straight business.”
“More than straight business? Like what?”
“Biological Engineering.” She wouldn’t know what I was talking about.
“Mm hm. Hold on a second. Oh! You’re working on biological means of water purification on a global scale? You’re a do-gooder! That’s very nice. Jezzy needs a good man like I need a bad one.”
“Alex is a very good man. He’s very religious and makes a point to be perfectly honorable in his business dealings. It’s always a pleasure to work with him.”
“Why are you marrying my chica? Is it revenge, pregnancy, or terminal illness?”
I shook my head and opened my computer. I did a quick search of Alex and his new bride. The pictures of her were very flattering. There was clearly more than met the eye.
“I’m marrying her for therapy.”
“Sex therapy? I guess that makes sense. Jezzy won’t get it on until she’s married. She also won’t get married. I give her a vibrator every year for Christmas and she doesn’t even unwrap it, just tosses it in the trash like she doesn’t appreciate the thought.”
I grinned as I searched a few more images, but found no history of the woman before she’d married Alex. It was like she was related to Jessie.
“I’m sure she appreciates the thought, on second thought, she probably doesn’t. You say that Jessie’s never had a lover?”
“Not since I’ve known her, but she mentioned an SOB billionaire who
broke her heart. I hope he was at least good in bed. By any chance, are you the guy?”
“She doesn’t have a heart. I did know her a long time ago. And the sex was very good.”
She chuckled. “No one could ride a horse like that and not have the good bed skills. When is the wedding? We’re all coming.”
“Are you? Do you want me to tell Jessie or let her be surprised?”
“You can surprise her, but make sure there’s enough food for us.”
“I can put you on my list. How many?”
“Trix and baby, Horse, Nix and Sunny and baby, and then me and Alex. And Minx. What about her family? Have you met them? I can’t find anything about her, and I can find anything. It’s like she never existed before she came to Vegas.”
“I know some of her family,” I said cautiously.
“Good. Make sure they come to the wedding. She needs to feel like it’s real. I know that girl, and she’s not going to get married a second time any more than she’s going to fall in love twice.”
I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. Real? What did that mean and why was my heart pounding so hard? “I’ll send invites to Alex. You can disperse them at your leisure.” She hung up and I was left shaking my head. Another mystery from Jessie’s past. She hadn’t taken lovers? It wasn’t any of my business, except that part, the part where she’d never fall in love twice… Had she loved me? Had she really run away because she couldn’t say no to me?
I went upstairs into my old bedroom and pulled the watch out of the bedside drawer and flipped it open.
Never gamble what you can’t afford to lose.
It was engraved in the lid. I could still remember the way she’d looked when she’d given it to me. We’d been in that bed, her golden hair spread on the white pillow as she handed me the watch.