He held up his hand as he approached. “Keys.”
Her head jerked a little, she threw the keys, and he caught them.
“In the truck, darlin'.” He yanked open his door and folded inside. She hesitated for a half a second before she joined him. They were halfway down the drive before she spoke.
“Where are we going?”
“To have lunch,” he said, turning the truck down a road that wasn't a road at all. It was some flattened grass that led back to a watering hole. He didn't share his lunch break with anyone. Jesse preferred eating alone. But Ryan wasn't anyone. She was different. And she needed this.
She lurched forward and grabbed his book off of his dashboard. He glanced at her sideways as he carefully maneuvered the truck into the shade.
“Are you reading this right now?” she asked, leafing through the paperback.
“Usually.”
She aimed her frown at him as he slid the truck into park and killed the ignition. “What does that mean?”
“That means that I usually read it. C'mon.” He popped open the door and rounded the truck, jerking on the tailgate release and letting it down. He jumped up into the flat of the bed and waited for her to join him. She paused at the tailgate and he reached his hand out to her. She stared at it.
“Just a hand, darlin',” he said gently. This was the second time that physical contact had caused an immediate reaction in her. And not a positive one. The trainer in him wondered if it stemmed from some past trauma. But she had been vocal about being a “non-hugger,” so maybe it wasn't trauma or abuse. Maybe it was a protective instinct. Some horses were always wary, right from the get-go. A little time, patience, and proof that you were exactly who you appeared to be, and they would warm up to you. More often than not, those were the ones who had the biggest hearts and unbreakable devotion.
Her frown deepened and she clenched her jaw. She turned around and hopped up onto the tailgate, butt-first. Jesse hid his smile before she had turned the top half of her body to face him again. He positioned the cooler in between them and took a seat on the tailgate.
“Why do you have so many sandwiches?” she asked as he handed her a turkey club.
He lifted only his eyes to her. “I always have this many sandwiches.”
“Oh.”
Her eyes flared and he found himself smiling as he dug out a beer. The cap flew into the truck bed as he opened it on the side of the cooler and handed it to her.
She took it, but her eyes said she thought he was crazy. He could live with that.
They sat and ate in silence. The light breeze blowing her hair into her eyes. She didn't correct it. A bird flew down and landed on the ground at her feet. She watched it, it watched her.
“Friend of yours?” Jesse asked.
“Why are you reading Call of the Wild?” she asked, ignoring his question.
He shrugged. “I read it a lot. Why are you asking?”
She huffed. “It was recommended to me today. I was told I have to read it right now.”
He eyed her slouched over posture. “Have you ever read it?”
“Once. In sixth grade.”
“Who told you that you have to read it?” he asked curiously.
“This writer I've been emailing.” She shook her head. “I don't really have time for that, though.”
Jesse nodded and went back to watching the breeze blow ripples on the water. “You should read it.” He felt her turn towards him, but make no reply before facing forward again. He finished the last bite of his sandwich.
The silence returned as she finished her lunch and beer. They packed everything back up and drove back to the stables without another word, lost in their respective thoughts.
She went back to doing her normal stuff assisting Doc and Jesse went out to the track to watch the yearlings. He thought about her all day. Her quiet, her hesitation, her confidence. So much of her seemed like a tangle of contradictions. It was like she was trying to find the right direction to fly in the middle of an unexpected hurricane. But she wasn't going to flail about publicly. Her struggle was so internalized she barely knew she was demonstrating her lack of a path.
Her endeavor was indelicately honest. It only made Jesse want to be around her even more. Watch her find her stride, take control of the chaos. Help where he was welcome to.
He didn't see her again until the end of the day when she was shuffling tiredly to her baby blue custom colored Camaro. He jogged to catch her.
“Ryan,” he called, getting her attention. She turned to him slowly, looking even more exhausted than she had earlier.
“Why are you stalking me, Jesse Hart?” she asked.
He grinned and noticed the lines around her eyes ease just slightly. It gave him pause. He wanted that. He wanted to be the one to bring her peace.
He beat back the swell of personal discontent that came along with that desire. Pushing into her personal space, he corralled her against her car and sought eye contact.
“I don't know what's going on with you, but I'm here if you need someone to talk to.” He pulled the paperback out of his back pocket and pressed it into her hand. “Read it. Don't return it.”
Her mouth fell open and he glanced at her overly pouty and perfect lips. “Why?” she whispered.
“Because then we'll have something safe to talk about at lunch.”
***
Ryan watched Jesse Hart walk away with swagger that he had no idea he possessed. She tightened her grip on the worn paperback, determined to read it even though she had no idea why it was so important to the people in her life. People she was becoming more and more attached to despite one being hundreds of miles away and the other being... too unusual to define.
Her phone rang in her back pocket and shook her out of her tired stupor. She pulled it out and frowned at the call screen.
Kelly. Her lawyer.
Fantastic.
She slid the answer icon over, balanced it on her shoulder, and yanked her car door open. “Hello?” She tossed the book into the passenger seat and sat down.
“Hello, Ryan, it's Kelly.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you in a place you can talk?”
Ryan sighed and closed the door. She hated that question.
“Yeah,” she said softly, starting her car.
“Your grandmother has decided to contest your mother's will.”
Ryan's eyes narrowed. “Can they do that?”
“Technically, yes. They have until three months after being notified of the will's contents to bring action. Three months is—”
“Tomorrow,” Ryan finished.
“Have they contacted you at all?”
“Sometimes. They usually ask about work and if I'm going to sell the house. I don't tell them much.” She took a deep breath. “Can they change anything, Kelly?”
“No.” He sounded adamant. “Your mother knew exactly what she was doing and this has been prepared for.”
“She knew they would contest it?”
Kelly hesitated. He was a good man, Kelly. “She knew.”
“Because they're assholes.”
Kelly chuckled. “They are who they are. I don't want you to worry. You'll have to sign some papers, possibly have a conversation with a judge. But your circumstances won't change.”
“Easy for you to say,” she replied. “They're not your family.”
“Ryan,” he softened his tone further.
People were always doing that. Talking to her like she was about to break. But she couldn't break. Not when she was made of nothing. Nothing wasn't breakable. It wasn't anything at all.
four
“For I know that when I leave here, you will be more than okay. You will thrive and bloom and continue becoming the beauty you were always meant to be. The blessing of being your mother is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.”
“Why does it feel like you're a million miles away?” Jeremiah asked after a moment of awkward silence.
“Technically, I'm closer to 3500 miles away,” Ryan answered automatically.
“You know what I mean, smart ass,” he muttered around a chuckle.
“Just have a lot on my mind, I guess,” she said, rolling over in her bed and staring up at the ceiling. “How did Cole do tonight?”
“Good. He broke a finger, though. Crying like a little bitch about it.” She heard Jeremiah shuffle around and his voice deepened. “Wish you were in my bed tonight.”
“Your bed across town, or the one you're in now?” she asked around a smile.
“Well, since we're wishing, the one I'm in now. But seriously, babe, maybe you could stay in my place while I'm out of town. It would make me feel a happier about your safety.”
She snorted. “That doesn't make any sense. Your condo doesn't even have building security. At least I have my own system over here.”
“Fine,” he said, obviously frustrated. “Just forget it.”
“Are you mad?” She frowned.
“Just tired,” he lied. “I'm gonna go to sleep now. Maybe I'll call tomorrow.”
“Oh. Okay.” Ryan licked her dry lips and waited. “I love you.”
“Love you, too. Goodnight, babe.” He hung up before she said it back.
Ryan rested the phone on the center of her chest and continued to stare at the ceiling, her thoughts pouring and piling and jumbling into a mess so tight and confusing, she was actually having difficulty breathing.
Her gaze drifted to the tattered paperback resting on her nightstand. She reached for it and rolled to her stomach.
Holding it in her hands felt like she was touching something sacred but didn't know why. She remembered liking it when she was younger but the details were foggy.
“Well, it's not like I'm gonna sleep,” she said as she opened it to page one.
***
Ryan let out a heavy breath as she swallowed the last dregs of her beer.
“You ready to talk yet?” Jesse asked, reaching into his cooler for a second sandwich.
Ryan didn't get him. She'd worked with him for three months and he never took his lunch with anyone. In fact, she had been convinced she was the only one who actually took a lunch at all.
“What do you want to know?” she asked.
Jesse shrugged. “Whatever it is keeping you from sleeping would be a good start.”
Ryan tried to recall if she had mentioned that to him, or to anyone, recently. She couldn't.
“You're using your wunderkind powers on me.”
Jesse chuckled under his breath. “Yeah, the secret power of observation.” He glanced at her, his blue eyes twisting with hints of violet in the brilliant sunshine. “You're draggin' at work every day, dark circles under your eyes, and you drink coffee like a fiend.”
“Coffee is full of antioxidants,” she said primly, her back straightening.
His lips lifted in a lopsided smile. “You're on your way to full-blown addiction, doll.”
“Doll?” she asked curiously.
A shadow moved across his face and he looked away. “Just a word.”
Ryan rolled her lips inward and tried again. “Yes, but why that word? It's not one I hear very often — or ever, actually.”
Jesse shrugged. “You will use any excuse to change the subject. Still don't trust me, huh?” He shot her a grin.
“Busted,” she muttered, giving in. “Fine.” She dusted the crumbs from her hands onto her jeans and swung her legs back and forth from the tailgate. “The things that keep me up at night. Brace yourself, Hart, you're about to get really bored.
“My mom died three months ago. It sucks and I'm dealing, but she was kind of a big change for me and it's a lot harder than I anticipated. I was supposed to apply to UNF's Veterinarian Program, but I had to wait for the will to be finalized and all the assets moved to their allotted locations before I could pay for anything. Which was going to be next week. But my mom's family decided that she was not of sound mind when she wrote the will, and they're contesting it. Thereby freezing all of my accounts until that's settled, which could be months. Which means applying to UNF next year unless I want to start applying for loans right now. But with frozen assets, that's probably not going to be too productive. I should note, my attorney thinks it will all resolve quickly and I shouldn't worry.
“Then there's the small matter of my current employment. I work for a man, who for all intents and purposes, is not my father in anything except blood. And I can't seem to stop embarrassing myself in front of him.”
She closed her eyes and shook her head. “You asleep yet?” she asked, glancing to Jesse, who was paused in mid-chew. Ryan nodded. “Thrilling stuff, isn't it?”
Jesse blinked once, really hard, and swallowed his mouthful. “Holy shit, darlin'.”
Something inside Ryan snapped. A taunt thread of emotional stability that she hadn't been aware was getting so thin. The break trembled through her body and a burst of emotion erupted in the sound of a laugh. Just one.
A “Ha” that brought relief and validation all at once.
“What does the bull rider say about all of this?”
Ryan's eyebrows went up. “Jeremiah?” She shrugged. “Nothing. It's my shit. I don't bother him with it.”
Jesse held her eyes for several seconds. “Right.”
Ryan swallowed hard and looked out across the water. “And I'm not bothering you with it either. It's my stuff, I get that. You just asked, so I answered.”
“Knock it off.”
Ryan's eyes snapped back to Jesse.
“Stop acting like you're supposed to have all of this stuff figured out. You're what? Twenty?”
“Twenty-one in October,” she said with a frown, feeling defensive about her age. Her birthday wasn't for another month, but it wasn't like it was a year away still.
“Fuck,” Jesse hissed under his breath. “Twenty-one fucking years old.” He shook his head and took an aggressive bite out of his sandwich.
“Are you mad?” she asked, totally confused by his reaction but trying to understand it anyway.
“Yeah, I'm mad,” he said, mouth full. He pierced her with his blue eyes narrowed, a scowl so perfect, she thought maybe he might call her a punk. “Did you read that book?”
“Yes,” she said softly.
His eyes narrowed further, which was shocking. “Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
“Stop being timid. Don't do that with me.”
Her head jerked slightly to the side. “Well, you're being very intimidating right now.”
Jesse shook his head and ditched the rest of his sandwich back in the cooler. “Uh-uh. Nope.” He hopped off the tailgate and stood in front of her with his hands on his hips. “Get down.”
Ryan couldn't help it, something about his irritation with her had stirred her own smartassery and she smirked. “You gonna fight me, Hart?”
He dipped his head once. “If I have to.”
Ryan grinned and hopped off the tailgate.
Jesse looked her up and down, his jaw working under his skin. He leaned in slightly and waved a finger in between them. “You and I are different. We're not like everyone else. You know it, and I know. When I ask you a question, you answer with the truth and you do not follow it with an apology or anything that sounds like an apology. You got it?”
She really didn't. “How much coffee have you had today?”
“Fuck me,” he muttered under his breath, running a hand though his messy hair and turning around to face away from her. He breathed deeply for a minute before facing her again. When he did, his scowl was no less severe, but there was more of an urgency in his eyes than before.
“Ryan, you need to figure it out soon. You're safe with me. All that mess and anger swirling in your head, you take it out on me.”
“What?” she asked, her breath catching, thinking there was no way she was understanding him correctly.
“All the shit. Bring it to me. Take it out on me. I'm tough
enough and intelligent enough to not take it personally.”
“What? No,” she said, shaking her head. “That's crazy.”
“It's smart,” he corrected calmly.
She crossed her arms over her chest. “How do you figure?”
“You stayed up all night reading the book, didn't you?”
She ground her teeth together and didn't reply.
“You couldn't put it down. You haven't been able to stop thinking about it.”
Ryan weakly rolled her eyes, feeling them begin to burn. “So.”
He took a step towards her and she instinctively backed up.
“I'm not gonna touch you,” he said softly, his scowl gone and replaced with the same expression she'd seen him use on the most stubborn yearlings. “You have my word. I'll never touch you without your permission.”
“You did once,” she reminded him, thinking of the day he touched her leg before she raced Red around the track in front of her father.
“I shouldn't have done that.”
“No, you shouldn't have,” she agreed, her voice trembling. Which she hated because it made her feel weak. And made her sound weak. “What's happening?” she asked.
“I'm reaching you.” Jesse's voice gentled. “Finally.”
“You gonna be my therapist now, is that it?” she asked bitterly, needing to fight back in some way.
“No. I'm gonna be your friend.” He slid his hands in his pockets, his former irritation gone. “You're gonna rant and rage and we're gonna work through it to get you back on the road you're supposed to be.”
“This is very confusing,” she said, running a hand through her hair and encountering her ponytail. She jerked it out in frustration.
“It probably is for you right now,” he agreed. “But this is what I do.”
She stared at him, her heart hammering in her chest. “I don't need to be trained.”
Jesse's grin was blinding. “No, you don't. But you do need someone to believe in you. And I do.”
five
“You have so much love to give, daughter, don't be afraid to give it.”
Stubborn Hearts Page 4