Ryan couldn't stop the eye roll that accompanied his words.
“Not with things like how to treat the people he loves — ”
Ryan snorted.
Jesse pressed his lips together and rightly decided to not pursue that defense. “Caleb wanted to win. But he wanted to do it smart. He wanted to win in a definitive way that no one in the present or future would ever be able to question. Only the best people work for him. And he keeps things tight to his chest, only sharing information when it needs to be shared.
“I went back to school. I learned all that I could about what it takes to care for a horse properly. I was determined to make sure I wasn't fooled again. Working side by side with Doc was refreshing. I was included in big decisions, my opinion mattered. And I got to see my horses succeed and live happy, healthy lives.
“I had been anticipating Faramir's Fire since he was conceived. I'd been tracing his lineage for years, knowing that at any moment a champion would be born and I wanted to be a part of it. Did you know he's a descendant of Man O' War?”
Ryan shook her head, distracted for a moment by the unexpected lightness in his voice and the easing of tension around his mouth.
“A horse that amazing hasn't been born in nearly a century. I drove up to Lexington when he was a foal, just to see if he had the fire in him I suspected he did. I fell in love in a second. I wanted him. I wanted to be a part of what he was getting ready to do. Caleb backed me, planned on buying him at the yearling auction. But Amos Simpson circumvented the sale and bought him before the auction took place. Caleb pulled out all the stops. He trusted my gut and decided to stop at nothing to get that horse under our roof. He offered SimpCore obscene amounts of money and we progressed with our plans to have Faramir's Fire join us as soon as possible. Which included registering a horse that we didn't own in races for the future. But it didn't raise any alarms because people are used to Caleb behaving irrationally.
“Things started to get weird. Amos began making business decisions that weren't making a lot of sense. He fired his trainer along with his entire staff. Rumors were spread, but nothing any of us could confirm.”
His face gentled noticeably, his eyes drifting and unfocusing. “That's when you joined the team. Doc wanted you for his own reasons. Caleb was dead set against it. There are two things in this life that contribute to his success. One: his belief that everyone in the world is working an angle, and two: his extreme paranoia of the first. So Doc had a word with me, and I took it upon myself to introduce myself to you.”
Ryan smiled softly had the memory. “It was raining that day.” Jesse nodded, watching her with cautious apprehension. “I was starstruck, honestly. You were already a legend in my eyes.”
Jesse's eyes pulled down on the sides. “And now?”
Ryan bit down on her bottom lip to keep it from trembling, the emotion unexpected. “I guess all good legends have mud on their boots,” she whispered.
Jesse's eyes reddened and he looked away, swallowing hard. He waited a minute, pulling himself together and clearing his throat. “Caleb trusted my gut again and he let us bring you on. That's about the same time that Red started losing all of his races. Caleb thought it was more than coincidence because your uncle Dennis had been seen at the races that Red lost.”
Ryan's eyebrows snapped together. “Seriously?”
Jesse nodded. “Vic is basically the antagonist of the two. He's a blowhard, the family mouth piece. But Dennis is the brains. Or thinks he is. He's sneaky and unpredictable. And, until a couple months ago, I had no idea who he was. Until I ran into him at The Downs. And he about shit his pants. See, for a short time he went by the name Martin Van Dourst and I worked with him at Crater Farms. He was a groom and somehow managed not to be in the net of people scooped up for questioning.”
Ryan's stomach turned completely to lead and her lungs labored with the extra weight she was suddenly carrying. “My uncle...” She swallowed.
Jesse saved her. Partially. “That's when Caleb got it in his head that you were sent to sabotage us. He's smart. He knows that Dennis had something to do with what happened at Crater. But he's so paranoid that he suspects everyone. Even the innocent.”
She straightened in her seat, dropping both of her hands helplessly in her lap. “And you? What do you think?”
The look of apology that washed over his face told her what his words verified a minute later. “I never suspected you of being anything but amazing.” He let out a sigh. “But I did take advantage of Caleb wanting me to keep a close eye on you. I thought, as long as I was the one with you, he would be less paranoid. After all, I'd proven myself to him for years.”
“But his paranoia doesn't have a term limit,” she said in understanding.
“I'm so sorry, Ryan,” he said roughly.
“I know,” she repeated her words from their early dawn, post-puking party. Shrugging, she continued. “What's done is done.”
Weirdly enough, it was the same point that Vic had been trying to make on the phone yesterday. To let go of what couldn't be changed. The difference, however, between Jesse and Vic was paramount. And obvious.
“What were they doing at Crater that — ” she stumbled over the words. They fought being spoken and hurt her mouth to say. “Killed the horses?”
Jesse shook his head, his irritation rising to the surface. “I'm not sure. A different mixture of stimulants as far as I could tell. I could never get close enough to figure it out.”
“Is that why you work so close with Doc?” she guessed.
“Yeah. But I also swore I would be more proactive with my animals in the future.” He pierced her with a look. “They deserve a devoted advocate, you know?”
And there it was, the reason that Ryan was going to — or already had — forgive him. He was, at his core, a good man. He'd just gotten turned around in what to do with it.
“Anyway,” Jesse said, uncomfortable with how much he had shared of himself, but still unwilling to stop because he understood how necessary it was in order for them to move on. “Caleb wants you stay with me on the road.”
Shock rippled through Ryan's body. “You're joking, right? After how he behaved last week in Vinton?”
Jesse bit his lower lip. “He operates on the belief that things only have credence if he allows it. If he ignores it, it didn't really happen.”
She blinked rapidly. “I'm not even sure how to process that. How do you know him so well?” she asked, pinning him with a serious frown.
Jesse cracked a smile, the first since they had sat down for their lengthy conversation. “The same way you know things about people. I watch them. I pay attention. I'm always learning, establishing their patterns, remembering their actions.”
She nodded slowly. “Does he still think I have something to do with it?”
“Probably. But he thinks everyone has something to do with it. His list of suspects in never-ending.”
“How sad,” she mused. “To suspect the world of ulterior motives.”
“I have no idea how his wife deals with it,” Jesse agreed.
Ryan's body jolted. Jesse cocked his head in response.
“You knew he was married, right?” he asked carefully.
“Yes,” she croaked out, her throat constricting around the word. “And that he has children. But I've never — uh, that's to say, I don't — ”
“Shit, Ryan, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up,” Jesse apologized quickly.
“No, it's fine. Facts shouldn't hurt feelings.”
The muscle in his jaw jumped. “I don't get it.” His voice was a distinct growl, unpleasant and frightening in a deadly way. “You're his daughter. He should be so proud of you. He should be pissing himself with worry about the way he's treated you. You're not the kind of woman a person dismisses at all, but especially if his blood contributed to your creation. He should be shouting it from mountain tops.”
Ryan arched an eyebrow, mostly because if she absorbed Jesse's words as e
ven a half-truth, she would be forced to have an emotional response. And she wasn't ready for that with him yet. “I think your years working with racehorses has you believing that bloodlines are as important to people as they are to animals.”
His eyes drifted over her face, seeing what she was doing. He decided to let her have it. “You're probably right.”
The timer on the oven went off, ending their conversation for the moment as Jesse got to his feet. Ryan joined him.
“You get the food, I'll get the plates. We can eat out here and watch TV or something.”
He followed her back out to the kitchen.
“Every year at my parents' house, we watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.” He opened the oven door and the already pleasant aroma turned positively mouth-watering.
Jesse Hart could cook.
The small chicken he had found in her freezer was tucked in with stuffing and veggies and the sweet potato casserole was crusted over with caramelized marshmallows.
Ryan stood very still, holding two plates in her hands, as she watched him take the food he'd prepared while she'd nursed herself back from death due to her very bad decisions.
She had been overwhelmed with the knowledge that Thanksgiving for her would be empty this year. No food, no warmth, no company.
And Jesse had changed that.
Without even meaning to.
“Thank you,” she said, feeling tears prick the back of her eyes.
Jesse grinned down at his chicken. “That's a good-lookin' bird, isn't it?” His grin faded and was replaced by a questioning frown when he looked back at her. “What's wrong, doll?”
She shook her head and blinked back the moment. “Nothing. Just... thank you.”
His mouth softened as understanding lit his eyes. “No problem,” he said softly.
“I think I actually have that movie,” Ryan said, removing anymore cause for discussion about her red face and eyes. “I'll get it started.”
His mouth curled up on one side. “Sounds good. I'll carve the bird.”
She set the plates on the counter beside him, grabbed a couple bottles of water from the fridge and placed them on the coffee table in the living room, added napkins with forks and knives.
“Jesse,” she said, stopping on her way to the living room.
He glanced up from his task.
“I'll come back. To the road.”
He smiled a small smile, a thankful smile. “I'd sure appreciate it.”
She nodded, left it as is.
Time would tell if she had made the right decision.
Time and experience, that ever brutal teacher, C. S. Lewis reminded her in her head as she turned to the cabinet to search for the movie.
part 2
eighteen
“You are the most important person in the world to me.”
Oaklawn Park
Hot Springs, Arkansas
Smarty Jones
January
“I think I'm gonna do it.”
Jesse's eyes slid up from the book he was reading to see Ryan standing in the doorway of the stall. Her hands were half in her jeans pockets, one foot crossed over the other, her blonde hair glowing in the dim light against her black leather jacket.
She was breathtaking.
Every day she changed just a little bit more. She just became more of herself. More sure, confident, more Ryan. The little bits of her that had been hidden away, stunted in their growth, but pushing through the cracked concrete of her outer shell anyway.
Her weight was still an issue for her. She'd lost some of it, gained some back. She didn't let it become something she was ashamed of. It was just something. She still looked fantastic, though he could tell it was frustrating to her. She combated it by exercising, and writing.
The writing was really the trick.
The writing put her head in order. It was so obvious, Jesse was tempted to try it for himself.
They'd been back on the road for eight weeks. Back to the day-to-day, sleeping in stalls, running with Red, who was still the most intense animal Jesse had ever worked with.
He'd been afraid they'd pushed him too hard in the first half of the season. But this magnificent beast was in his best condition ever.
Genetics contributed to a lot of it, it was in his blood. Undoubtedly. Jesse was also meticulous with his care. He didn't believe in race day drugs to drop water to make a horse run faster. That was a way to shorten the career of a horse that would otherwise go forever. They'd already hit the average number of races this season for most career winners.
The world was watching.
What Jesse and Caleb were attempting to do was return the track to a time when horses ran with heart.
Caleb's ambitions weren't completely financial. He wanted to break records. He wanted to do what everyone said couldn't be done. So far? They were doing it.
Ryan by his side. Seeing the things he missed, keeping Red healthy and strong, keeping Jesse healthy and strong... Jesse might be the trainer of their little team, but Red was the heart, and Ryan was the soul.
He didn't want anyone else on earth sharing this moment with him.
“What are you gonna do?” he asked.
She leaned one shoulder against the wall and dipped her chin, raising her eyes to meet his. “I think I'm gonna publish a story and see what happens.”
Jesse felt the grin spread across his face, Ryan smiled in return.
“Does that make me crazy?” she asked.
“No. Of course not.” He gestured with his head for her to join him. She did without hesitation, but he felt it anyway. The distance that never truly left after Louisiana.
“What are you reading?” she asked, sitting down and grabbing his book to bend it up and see the cover. “Ah, the venerable Ernie Bob Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea. Feeling a touch melancholy?” She tossed him a casual smile, one he returned. But there it was again. The distance.
Just barely.
A whisper of a separation.
“Have you read it?”
Ryan shook her head. “Does that make me a bad writer?”
“No,” he said with a chuckle. “Being a bad writer makes you a bad writer — ”
“Gee, thanks.”
“It's just a book,” he finished seriously.
She held his eyes, the silence stretching between them like candle wax when it's still hot. Sometimes these moments would happen. Her dark eyes would shine with gold flecks and her mouth would soften and she'd almost say something.
She'd forgiven him, of that he was positive. But she was wary, skittish.
Cautious.
“I was thinking,” she said slowly, licking her lips. “About my pen name.” She smiled brilliantly, a flash of silly covering her second-guessing. “I was thinking of maybe being Sullivan Summers.”
Jesse's gut tightened and he focused on keeping his expression impassively pleased. “Sullivan?”
Her eyes dropped to his shoulder, the first real crack in her armor showing. “Yeah. I just...” She sucked in a breath and heaved it out, then continued softly. “I don't know where it's gonna go or if it's going to become something. I wanted you to be a part of it somehow.”
The left side of Jesse's chest was pierced with pain again. She wanted so badly to be able to let the rest of it go. To forget his manipulations and his deceit. But she couldn't. It was always going to be there.
“I mean,” she hurried when he hadn't responded. “If you don't want me to, I won't.”
“I want you to.”
Her eyes snapped back to his and he saw it again. The desire to have this be made right somehow. To move on and leave the past in the past.
But it wasn't as easy as wishes and words.
“I miss you,” she said, her eyes glossing over and widening at her own accidental confession.
Jesse swallowed, feeling his own emotions making an uninvited appearance. “Give it time,” he said roughly.
She nodded, her eyes
dropping to the book in his lap. “Will you read to me?” she asked.
Jesse frowned at her then at the book. “You want me to read it to you?”
Ryan scooted closer so their legs were touching. She rested her head on his shoulder, the unexpected touch shooting through him at the point of contact.
Jesse cleared his throat and turned the few pages he'd read back to the beginning.
He read quietly until her body grew heavy next to his. He set the book down and helped her to her sleeping bag. Then he extinguished the small light in their stall and got inside his own bag.
He'd told her to give it time.
But she was a smart girl. Time would bring new things.
It couldn't return something that was already gone.
***
Ryan stepped onto the track, the sun hitting her face just as it crested the horizon. She inhaled deeply, the fresh aroma of a track that had been lightly watered by a previous night's rain filled her head and she smiled.
She quite liked being back on the road.
Her house had become stuffy and filled with memories that clung to the wicker furniture in a way that hurt. The travel might not be exactly what she'd promised her mom she would do, but it would do for now.
Until she was ready to take the next step.
Her eyes hit on Jesse at the far end of the track. Ryan took her time walking his way. She saw how he turned to her, his body open on her approach. His gaze on his horse, but his attention on her.
Of all the things she had lost so far in her life, losing him had hit her harder than she'd expected.
He was the closest to a best friend she'd had since she was a kid. And maybe that's why it hurt. She'd treated the entire thing with the wonder and naivety of a child. But they weren't children. And friendships had more layers than she understood.
Still, she was going to trust the process. She trusted him. But the trust wasn't limitless. It hadn't been before, but now she was very aware of it. It was a solid beat in her chest, an extra one to remind her to pull back on the reins before she believed in the existence of the finish line.
Stubborn Hearts Page 13