by Lexi Banks
But what if it’s the worst? My brain piped up. What if it’s all downhill from here?
That was a very real possibility, and I needed to get myself ready to hear it. I helped people to be brave all the time when it came to patients in the cancer ward. Now, it was time to take that advice to heart and do so myself.
For some reason, I thought of Olive then, and how brave she had been through everything. I could use some of that girl’s steely determination to keep me going. If she could face the worst, if child me could tackle it with my mom, then I could do this. Sure, I wasn’t entirely convinced that I’d always been the perfect daughter to Mom, but I’d survived it. I was still standing and a relatively well functioning human being. I could do this.
The first, and surprisingly difficult task, I had to face was getting dressed. Somehow, the idea of cleaning myself off and dragging clothes onto my body felt impossible. I felt like I needed some help. I glanced up at the clock, which altered me to the fact that Tina wouldn’t quite be at work yet, so I did the only sensible thing that I could and I called her. She had said that she would be there for me whatever I needed...
“Hello?” She sounded tired and possibly a little grumpy. Maybe this wasn’t the best plan...
“Oh, Tina, I...” All of a sudden, a flood of tears came from nowhere. “I have to see the doctor today.”
“Oh wow.” Without a beat, she sensed exactly what I needed. “Okay, I’m on my way over, don’t worry.”
“Are you sure?” I sniffed pitifully. “I don’t want to make you late or anything...”
“I’m on my way. You know I’ll do whatever I can for you, and you need me now. I’m coming.”
As I hung up the phone, gratitude flooded me. Even when I was distant, and I pushed people away, I was lucky enough to still have them there. I would have to take Tina out to thank her properly once I got the chance. Once all of this was over. I collapsed into my couch and waited for her, thankful that I didn’t have to face this by myself. Time ticked by slowly while I waited, there was an ice cold pit of anxiety that kept growing and growing, but I didn’t let it consume me. I couldn’t. The strength needed to come from somewhere inside of me.
I did think about calling Parker. It was the first time that I’d actually wanted to speak to him in days, but I just about managed to hold myself back. I didn’t want to drag him back into this until I had answers. It wasn’t fair. I’d already put him through too much. And if I got the worst response... well then, I would let him go completely. It would break my heart to do so, and probably his as well, but I wasn’t prepared to do it to him. This was my issue, and I needed to get through it by myself. I didn’t want him to die alongside me...
I SAT ON THE EDGE OF the chair just waiting. My feet inadvertently tapped on the ground, my fingers kept twitching, I couldn’t seem to sit still however hard I tried. I was all on edge, and I hoped the doctor could see that. I wanted to get through this sooner rather than later. I needed to know now.
I thought about Tina, sitting on the other side of that door waiting for me. She had wanted to come in to support me, but I’d insisted that I was alright alone, something I was starting to sorely regret now.
“So, Madison, how have you been?” The doctor gave me an irritating, bland smile which didn’t give anything away. “I know this must have been a hard time for you, so I appreciate your patience.”
I grinned back through gritted teeth, resisting the urge to scream at him that being patient was the hardest fucking thing in the world. He dealt with this every single day; I guess it was much less of shocking thing to him, but for me, my whole world had been rocked. I needed to know if it could go back to normal or not.
“Yes, fine,” I bit back. “Thank you, just keen to know about the outcome.”
“Yes, of course you are.” He lifted a piece of paper from his desk. “Well, we have your results here, and I’m very pleased to tell you that the lump is benign, which I’m sure is wonderful news for you...”
A tightness loosened in my chest; for a moment I thought I must have been dreaming. How was this possible? How could I be getting everything that I wanted and more? It seemed insane. I drifted off into my own little world where I dreamed about a future all over again. My daydream no longer consisted of hospital beds and tubes sticking out of everywhere. There was a chance that I’d actually be alright.
“Benign... so that means I’m going to be okay?” I needed to be certain. “I don’t need to worry?”
“Not unless anything changes with the lump, no. I would say that you’re going to be just fine.” He slammed his palm down on the desk and smiled at me. “I’m very happy to be able to give you this news.”
My mouth turned up into a genuine happy expression, the first one I’d managed since all of this mess started. This was wonderful; I was so freaking lucky! It had to be my mom looking down on me, helping me.
“So, you don’t need to see me again? I don’t need to come in for checkups or anything?”
“No, like I said it isn’t anything to worry about unless things change. You’re fine.”
I raised to my feet, feeling my knees knock together as I did. I could barely hold up my weight under the strain of this great news. It was truly incredible. “Th... thank you so much, that’s amazing news.”
I staggered from the room, expecting to see Tina there, but she was gone. She said that she might be dragged away for work reasons, and to wait for her here if that happened, but I needed an escape from this place. I wasn’t scheduled to work, I had planned to do some volunteering afterward but now I just needed an escape. I kept on moving, planning to message my friend later to let her know how things went; for now, I just needed to feel air.
I pushed the doors to the hospital open, and I basked as the heat hit my face. I almost opened my arms out and spun around like a crazy girl from a silly rom-com movie. But I just about managed to hold it in. Instead, I just kept on walking, moving with almost a little skip in my step. This was everything, it was incredible.
I was overwhelmed with the urge to call up Parker to tell him the good news, but I squashed that down as quickly as I could manage. No, not yet. I had to wait until I’d processed this myself. He would jump on it and run, acting like a crazy fool, and I really didn’t need that right now. I had to just deal with it first.
Okay, so maybe I was making excuses since I hadn’t exactly acted my best. I was a little humiliated by how I’d snapped at him when he was probably just trying to be nice, but I needed more time.
I PACED UP AND DOWN in my living room, trying to find the right words to say to Parker to make it okay again. Sorry didn’t feel like enough. I needed more, but I weren’t sure where the words were. I tried writing them down on a piece of paper, creating a speech to make sure I said everything, but after about a million screwed up bits of paper I gave up. Maybe it was better to wait for him to contact me again instead. That was cowardly, I knew it, but it felt like the safest option. The easiest way to deal with all of this.
I’d been through so many hard times, didn’t I deserve to take the easy way out?
I huffed and grabbed the photograph off the side with me, Mom, and Parker in it. I wondered what she would think of me right now, ignoring Parker for yet another night just because I was scared. After the good news I’d just received, I should have been grabbing onto the second chance at life with both hands.
Maybe I would tomorrow.
I ran my finger down her cheek, wishing that she’d gotten the same good news as me. How different things would have been if she hadn’t been taken down by cancer. God, what I wouldn’t give to have her right here now to give me some advice. Or a swift kick in the ass...
Chapter 33 – Parker
Tuesday
This was wrong, I shouldn’t have been doing this, it was the complete opposite of my plan, but here I was at the hospital anyway. I just couldn’t stand it; I was a mess when it came to Maddie. I just needed to see her face to know how she l
ooked, to see how she felt, to maybe reach out and touch her... I’d gone utterly insane.
As I parked up the car, I pushed all of Buster’s warnings to the back of my brain, and I stood up to face her. She couldn’t ignore me face to face, that was my one thought. Even if she yelled again that she didn’t want to see me, I would have looked at her in the eye and let her know that I was there. I needed to be there to support her.
I knew all of that, but as I walked my heart hammered against my rib cage, nerves darted all the way through me, I felt weird and sick everywhere. It took everything that I had to keep on going. Once I stepped inside, that sensation intensified, I wanted to turn and run at the speed of light to escape...
But then I spotted Tina at the end of the hallway, and that desire vanished. She was talking to another nurse, clearly in the middle of a shift, so I did feel bad as I walked towards her but I vowed to myself to keep it short.
“Tina.” I wrapped a hand around her shoulder. “Sorry to interrupt, have you see Maddie?”
“Oh.” Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “She was here earlier, but she vanished. I thought to see you...”
I shook my head, desperately hoping that she wasn’t at my house while I stood there like an idiot. “No, I haven’t heard anything from her... not properly for a while anyway. I was hoping to catch her now to talk.”
Tina smiled at the other nurse, effectively ending their conversation without words, using the shorthand that I could only imagine came from working so closely together for so long, and she pulled me to one side. “Did you not know that she had an appointment with the doctor today then? To get her results?”
My heart bolted up into my throat, I could hardly think straighter. My brain darted and danced all over my body. “She... she has an appointment? She’s got an appointment with the doctor? When?”
“Oh, well...” Tina shifted uncomfortably. “She’s already had it, but then she vanished, so I’m not sure...”
“Do you know what the results were?” I hated the idea of her wandering around alone with the weight of the world on her shoulders. What if she’d found out that she was dying and now that made my actions even worse?
“She didn’t say anything; she just asked me to meet up with her later on to discuss it.”
I gripped onto Tina, my desperation shining through. “What do you think that means?”
She shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know what that means. I want to believe it’s good news but I’m not sure. She’ll probably come back this afternoon though, if you want to hang around here just in case?”
I gulped down, not necessarily liking that idea so much. It would have been much better for me to go out and hunt for her but I didn’t even know where to begin looking. There was a much better chance of her coming here than being at her home or at my place. I could look forever more, but I might not find her.
“Yeah, okay, I think I’ll go and see the kids again. Hang out around there. Will you tell her I’m here?”
Tina gave me a sympathetic smile. “Of course, I will. I’ll send her to come and see you once I’ve spoken to her. I’m sure she’ll be very keen to come and see you.” She rubbed my arm sympathetically. “You’ve done a very good thing, you know, coming down here to support Maddie. She’ll appreciate it. I know it might not always seem that way, but she does. I know things have been... difficult at the moment, but it’ll get better.”
Knowing that Madison had talked about us to her friend made me feel sad and glad all at once. It was good that she had someone to speak to, but it meant things between us were serious. Bad, but hopefully not unfixable.
“Thank you, Tina, that means a lot, and I’m sure things are just hard because of what she’s going through. I feel like I can’t do much right, but I’m sure that’s got more to do with what’s going on with her.”
“Oh yeah, I’m sure of it.” She nodded confidently. “We see it all the time. People react in different ways; it’s just one of those things. You never know how anyone will behave until you get the news.”
I nodded, agreeing with her. “Well, I suppose we just have to wait and see, right? Pray that she got the good news she wanted. God knows, poor Maddie has been through enough, I don’t want any more for her.”
“You’re good for her,” Tina reassured me. “Things will get back to normal soon enough.”
“Yeah okay, well thank you, Tina. I hope you’re right. Fingers crossed, hey? I’ll see you later on.”
“Yeah, I’ll see you, Parker. Like I said, I’ll send Madison up to see you as soon as she arrives,”
We both knew the outcome all depended on what had happened in the doctor’s room, but neither of us voiced that opinion. We just let that flow sadly between us. Then as we turned away and left one another, her to return to work me to go to the children’s cancer ward, I allowed the magnitude of today wash over me. It was the day that we finally found out one way or another what our future would hold. Good or bad.
“OKAY, LIZZIE,” I SAID with a smirk to the small girl sitting beside me. “What’s two down then if you’re so smart?” We’d been doing this crossword for a while now, and she was really enjoying it. “Dark? Do you think?”
“No!” She tossed her head back and giggled. “That isn’t enough letters. You know that.”
“Oh right, I see. So, it’s five letters, what do you think it is?”
She cocked her head to one side and thought about it for a while. “I think it’s black, not dark.”
I filled in the letters for her and started on with the next one, really enjoying my time. There wasn’t too much I could do with the kids here; we could not exactly go out and kick a ball around, so we had to find more creative things to pass the time. I liked it, especially when whatever I suggested made them smile.
“It’s nice that you come here,” Lizzy said all of a sudden. “We all like it when you come.”
Those words really warmed my heart. “Oh, well that’s very kind of you to say. I love coming here too.”
Her face fell; for a moment she looked all morose. Inside I panicked, I didn’t know what to do, I wasn’t sure how to make it okay again. I wanted to take whatever sad thought flew through her mind and make it alright.
“Cancer is horrible,” she said sadly. “I don’t like it at all. It hurts and makes me sick.”
The words got stuck in my throat; I didn’t know how to react to that properly. “I’m sorry, it must be...”
“But it’s easier when there are people here to take my mind off it. We all think so. We like to be distracted and to have some fun. It’s nice to have someone who wants to have some fun.”
Her words filled me with an odd sense of satisfaction. This proved I wasn’t totally wrong with my plan to distract people suffering from cancer. It was wrong with Maddie, obviously, but I wasn’t totally off the mark. It was okay to keep on trying to take someone’s mind off of what they were feeling.
“Well, I’m glad to hear it. That’s great news. I will always be here if you want me to be.”
“Lizzy!” one of the other children yelled. “Parker, we’re going to play Bingo. Do you want to play?”
Lizzy nodded enthusiastically, which made me agree too. This was something the staff did a lot with the kids, and it made them very happy. It was the sort of thing that made me want to set up a massive payment plan to them to keep them going. Maybe that was something I would set up later on. I certainly wanted to use my riches to ensure something positive happened, and if I donated it here, I would be able to see the changes in action.
I smiled to myself, loving that idea. Yes, that was definitely what I wanted to do next.
AFTER THE TENTH GAME of Bingo, I sensed a presence in the doorway, one that I hoped was Maddie. I darted my eyes over there to see it was Tina instead. The defeated look on her face made me panic, so I shot my chair backward and I staggered across to her. I had a horrible feeling this wasn’t going to be good.
“Have you heard?” I gas
ped. “Has Maddie said anything to you yet?”
She shook her head, sadness darting behind her eyes. “I haven’t heard anything. I’m really sorry; I honestly thought that she was going to come here to talk it through. I’m going to go and see her now.”
My heart soared then sunk. Okay, so we still didn’t know either way, but at least she hadn’t come and avoided me. That was something... I had to just accept that. I nodded and tried to keep looking calm.
“Right, okay. So, will you tell her that I’ve tried to speak to her? I just want her to know that I’m here.”
“Yes, I will. I’m sure she’s already aware, but I’ll make sure she knows. I’m sure she’ll come back.”
I hoped so, I wanted nothing more than to have her back in my life, but being patient was killing me.
“Yeah okay. Well, I think I’m going to stay here for a little while longer, play some more Bingo.” I much preferred to hang out with these kids than be at home alone. “But I’ll see you later on okay?”
“Keep your phone on you, in case she calls. After I’ve spoken to her, she might want to.”
I didn’t want to get my hopes up, I wasn’t sure that would happen, but I nodded anyway. “Will do.”
As I moved away from Tina and I took my seat at the Bingo table once more, Lizzy grabbed onto my arm. “That’s not your girlfriend, is it? Madison is your girlfriend.”
There was no way I could get into the complexities of my relationship with this young girl who had more than enough problems of her own, so I simply nodded instead. “Yes, it’s Madison.”
“Oh, I really like her. She’s lovely. She’s always very kind to us. A bit like you are.”
Those words made my eyes well up just a little bit; I missed that kind-hearted side of her. I missed everything about her actually, and that was only getting worse as time went on.
“Yes, she’s lovely. You guys are lucky to have her. And she’s doing some very important research as well. I hope it helps all of you when it’s done. Maddie is a great girl.”