by Luke’s Wish
“And you?” Samantha suggested. “I bet you were kind of sad, too?”
“Maybe,” he admitted.
“Luke, I don’t know what to tell you. We’re just not there. We’re not to that point. Not nearly. We’re all just getting to know each other. We all need to take some time to figure out if we like each other, and maybe, someday, if we all agree that’s what we want, we could all get married and live together. But we shouldn’t be worrying about things like that now. It’s too soon.”
“Oh. Okay.” He frowned again. “But I know already. I like you. I want you to stay with us. I get a vote, don’t I? Is that how it works? All of us’ll vote?”
“Kind of like that,” Samantha said.
“And Dani likes you, too. I know she’d vote yes, and Daddy likes you. That’s three votes. That’s all we need, right?”
“Oh, Luke. There’s just a lot more to it than that. It’s… You know how sometimes the things grown-ups do just don’t make a lot of sense to you, because they’re so complicated?”
“I guess so.”
“Well, this is one of those things. There are all sorts of things to consider, so many that I couldn’t even tell you all of them.”
“You could tell me. I could understand. I’m really smart.”
“Luke…I need to talk to your father about it, okay? And he needs to talk to you.”
“Okay. But you like us, right?”
“I do. I promise I do.”
“Then everything’ll be okay.”
“No. Luke!” Samantha couldn’t believe this, couldn’t believe how fragile this poor little boy was and what they’d done to him already, just by all of them being together a few times. She’d never imagined. Even as worried as she was, she’d never imagined it would happen this fast. “I need to talk to your father, and it can’t be now because he and your sister are ready to go. They’re already in the car.”
“They’ll come back,” he said.
“No. Not now. But we’ll talk. All of us will talk. But I think you should go now.”
“Okay.” He hesitated for a moment, then reached out and gave her a big, big hug before he turned and ran down the sidewalk.
Joe came home feeling like a million bucks, only to find a frantic-sounding message from Samantha to call him as soon as he got the kids in bed. He frowned at the answering machine as it broadcast the message. Luke and Dani were right there to hear it.
“Can we call her?” Dani asked, excited by the idea.
“No. I’ll call her after I get you and your brother in bed, which needs to happen right now,” Joe said. “It’s late.”
“But I wanna talk.”
“Not now. It’s past your bedtime.”
Dani sulked, but he finally got her into bed. Luke was unusually cooperative, suspiciously cooperative, in fact. Which meant something was up. Joe tucked him in and said, “Have a good time tonight?”
“Yes. Did you?”
“Yes.”
“And Dani did, too. Do you think Samantha did?”
“Yes. What did you say to her when you went back to get your jacket?”
Luke shrugged. “Some stuff.”
Joe frowned. “What kind of stuff?”
“Just…stuff. She wants to talk to you about it.”
“So she said. Anything you want to tell me?”
“Well…just that I vote yes.”
“What do you mean, yes?”
“And Dani does, too. I didn’t ask her, but I’m sure she’d say yes.”
“Yes to what?”
“Us all living together and Samantha bein’ our new mommy.”
“Luke? What in the world are you talking about?”
“Jimmy Allan got a new daddy. He just moved right in, and they all got married and stuff.”
“So? That’s Jimmy Allan. What does that have to do with us?”
“I didn’t know you could get a new one like that. I thought with Mommy gone and not coming back, that was it. But we could just find a new one, and we did. She likes us. She told me so, and we all like her. So I thought she’d come live with us, and everybody would be happy.”
“Oh, Luke.” Joe groaned and wanted to hit something. Himself, maybe, for not seeing how messed up his son still was by his mother walking out, or for never imagining that Luke could come to a conclusion on the basis of nothing but seeing Samantha a few times.
How in the world could he explain this?
“It doesn’t work like that, Luke.”
And then his son started to cry. “That’s what she said, but it could. I know it could.”
“Luke!”
“You don’t like her? ’Cause I thought you did.”
“I do. I like her. A lot. But we barely know each other.”
“But I like her, and I still miss Mommy….”
“I know. I know you do.”
“And you said she’s not coming back, so—”
“Luke.” Joe pulled his son into his arms, and suddenly it felt as if their hearts were breaking all over again. As if it was every bit as bad as it had been when Elena left and they all just fell apart. “I’m sorry. I know it still hurts. All of it, and I’m so sorry.”
“I thought everything was going to be okay. I thought we’d fixed everything ’cause we found Samantha.”
“No.”
“But you like her. I know you do.”
“Luke, can we talk about this in the morning? Okay? ’Cause it’s going to take some time for me to explain it all to you, and it’s late, and we’re all tired, and…” And he was falling apart. He was falling completely apart here, feeling as lost as he had when the reality of taking care of two little kids on his own hit him, feeling totally inadequate and lost and mad as anything at his ex-wife and the world in general. And feeling as if he’d failed his son once again. “I can’t do this now, Luke, okay?”
“Okay,” Luke said, pulling away and still crying.
Joe turned his head away and stifled a curse, thinking he’d never get this right. He’d never be able to make this all better, and what was a father supposed to do except fix things like this? Protect his kids and keep anything from ever hurting them this badly?
“I can’t do this now,” he said. “I’m sorry. I just can’t.”
“Okay… Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“No, Luke. None of this is your fault.”
“I made you sad.”
“No. The situation makes me sad. Not you. I love you, Luke. I love you very much.”
Luke held his arms open wide. “This much?”
It was a game they played. I love you. How much? This much.
“More than that,” Joe said. “More than I can reach.”
He gave his son a big hug and dried his tears, closed the bedroom door behind him and leaned his head against it and had to fight to breathe, to keep from hitting the wall and screaming in frustration or maybe sinking to the floor.
Sometimes being a parent was just too much. Sometimes he was sure he couldn’t do it. That he’d never get it right or be good enough. Sometimes he thought something was wrong with the world when the person in charge decided to entrust anything as wonderful and as fragile as a child to someone like him.
Chapter Eight
It was late when he called, much later than she thought it would be. She’d had time to worry herself to death and try to find a way to tell him what she had to tell him. She had to, for all their sakes. But when he called, his voice sounded so odd, so low and tight and strained.
“It’s me,” he said, and that was all it took. She knew right away it was even worse than she thought, if that was even possible. “What happened?”
“He thinks you’re moving in with us,” Joe said. “One dinner together, a sleep-over the night your roof leaked and a few visits to your office, and he’s got us turning into one big happy family and all his troubles over and done with.”
“I know. He
told me!” she cried. “Joe, I’m so sorry. I never imagined.”
“Neither did I.”
“And I feel so foolish. I knew this was dangerous, but I was worried mostly about myself. I never imagined that Luke would put so much importance on what little bit of time we’ve spent together.”
“I didn’t, either, and I’m the one who should have realized. I’m his father.”
“How is he?”
“He cried himself to sleep one more time. I swore I wasn’t going to let anything upset him that badly again, but there he was, crying himself to sleep.”
“Oh, no,” she said, knowing she’d do the same thing. And knowing something else, too. “You know what this means. We can’t see each other again.”
“Don’t say that, Samantha.”
“What else can we do?”
“I don’t know,” he snapped, all his frustrations coming to bear in those three words. “And I can’t think about what we’re going to do right now, but don’t you do this to me. To us. Don’t you run away from me now.”
“I’m not running. I’m thinking about your son. I don’t want to do this to your son.”
“I’ll deal with my son. I’ll find a way to explain this to him, and I’ll make him understand.”
“I promised myself I’d never hurt him, and I did, Joe.”
“Samantha, it’s the past that’s upset him. It’s losing his mother and how confused he still is over that, not you,” he said. “We can make this work.”
“I don’t see how.”
“We can.”
“It was stupid of me to even try this. I know better. I know all about it, and I promised myself, Joe—”
“Samantha, I need to see you. To talk to you.”
“It won’t change anything.”
“I need to see you tonight. The kids are both asleep. I can’t come to you, but you can come to me. I want you to get in your car and come over here.”
“Joe.”
“This is too important to leave to a telephone conversation.”
She closed her eyes and tried to ignore the need in his voice, the utter despair. He sounded just like Luke—heartbroken.
“It won’t change anything,” she insisted.
“I think it will.”
“Joe—”
“Come on, don’t tell me you’re the kind of woman who gives up and runs away the minute things get tough,” he said. “I never believed that about you.”
“I don’t.”
“Because I don’t need another woman like that.”
“I’m not.”
“Then come over here and talk to me about this.”
She sighed. “We really haven’t started anything. It’s not too late to back out. It can’t be that bad to stop now.”
“Is that what you really think? That you’ll just close the door and never think of me again? Never miss me? Never think of what might have been between us? Because I don’t believe that. I think you feel as much for me as I feel for you, and it doesn’t have a thing to do with how long we’ve known each other or how much time we’ve spent together. I think I could fall in love with you.”
“Joe—”
“That’s what you want, isn’t it? You want someone to love you. The way you deserve to be loved. Someone who’s never going to turn his back on you and walk away. Someone who appreciates everything about you and knows how special you are. You want someone to build a life with. Someone who won’t give up when things get tough.”
“I do,” she admitted.
“I know that. I know exactly what you need, and I need you. I need you right now, tonight. I feel as bad as I ever have in my life. I nearly put my fist through the wall, I was so mad when I first came out of Luke’s bedroom. I had to walk away, because I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I was so mad and so frustrated, and I felt so helpless sitting there listening to him cry. And I just didn’t have the words. I didn’t have anything to give him to make it better.”
“Oh, Joe.”
“And then I got myself together and went back in there and sat beside him until he went to sleep, and the whole time I was thinking that there had to be a way to work this out. And I just wanted you. I needed to know that I wasn’t in this alone anymore. That I could reach out for you and you’d be there. You’d listen to me and care about me and my kids and help me figure out what to do.”
“Joe—”
“That’s what I need, and I honestly thought I’d have that now that I found you. I thought I’d never have to go through anything else like this all alone.”
She didn’t say anything. She couldn’t.
“Come to me,” he said. “Come now.”
In the end she went. She couldn’t leave him all alone like that, because she knew exactly how he felt, and there would have been a time when she would have given anything to have someone she could call. Someone who, if she said she was feeling lost and sad and needed help, would come to her, as she went to him.
It was dark, close to midnight, as it had been the last time she’d slipped into his house. There weren’t any lights on anywhere in the house, and she thought perhaps she’d waited too late, that he’d given up on her ever coming.
But as she got out of her car, his front door opened. He stood there staring at her with eyes that were dark and troubled, and when she got close enough, he took her hand and pulled her through the door to the kitchen. He leaned against the counter and pulled her into his arms. He was trembling, she realized. So was she.
“I wasn’t sure you were coming.”
“Neither was I,” she admitted. “But I’m not somebody who quits when things get tough, and I can’t walk away now.”
He took her face between his hands, and she saw the strain in his face, the fine lines at the corners of his eyes and his mouth, and he seemed to be hurting so badly it nearly broke her heart.
“You’ve done a good job with them, Joe. They’re good kids, and they’re probably as happy as they can be, considering what they’ve gone through.”
“I hope so. I just didn’t see this coming. I didn’t see it at all.”
“But you’re here, and you’re going to deal with it,” she said. “It’s just one of those things that nobody tells you how to handle. That’s a lot of what parenting is—fumbling around in the dark, trying your best and loving them. I know you love them, and they know it, too. I know you’re patient and kind and very, very loving. The rest of it you’ll figure out.”
“Thank you,” he said. “I needed to hear that. I need you. Here with me. Now.”
Samantha pulled his face down to hers and kissed him. He resisted for a moment, caught by surprise, but then he was kissing her right back.
It was a kiss that started out as comfort and turned into something so sweet. It turned into everything.
He pulled back after a long moment and raised his head. “That’s not what I meant when I said I needed you here with me tonight.”
“I know. It’s just…what I wanted to give you.”
It was. She wanted to give him everything, to make everything all better, to belong to him. He’d said he could fall in love with her, and she was at least half in love with him already.
She reached for him, drew him close and kissed him with every bit of longing in her soul, every bit of loneliness and fear and vulnerability lurking inside her. She wanted to absorb every bit of sadness and worry in him, every bit of despair. She wanted to take it all away.
“I need you, too,” she said.
“Samantha, I think we have to try this. I don’t see any way around it.”
“I don’t know if I can, if I can remember how.”
“I think it’s like riding a bike,” he said, running a hand through her hair.
“Riding a bike after you’ve fallen off and maybe gotten stitches,” she answered.
“I haven’t been in a new relationship in about a decade,” he said.
“Me, neither,” she replied, feeling a little giddy
at the prospect. “Do you think we can manage it?”
He gave her a knowing grin. “Have a little faith, Doc, would you?”
“I do. In you,” she said, wrapping her arms tightly around him and pulling him into a hug.
She’d been so worried tonight, so sure it was over and done with. But it wasn’t. He wouldn’t let it be over, and neither would she. He was right. She couldn’t forget about him and couldn’t let him go.
And this was where she was meant to be. She felt it deep down inside, as certainly as she knew the sun was going to come up in the morning and set in the evening.
So she just held on more tightly and thought of truly belonging to him in every way possible, thought of creating the kind of bond that no one could ever break. Did those still exist—bonds that would never break? She wanted to believe they did, that she would have that with him.
Without knowing exactly why, Samantha started to cry.
“Oh, baby,” he said. “It’s all right.”
“I know. It’s so right,” she whispered, lifting her wet face and pressing her mouth against his. “I’m just…it’s overwhelming.” She had to stop to breathe. “You know?”
“Yes, I know.”
He drew his fingertips along her jaw, across her hot cheeks, touched the tip of her nose.
A long moment later, she said, “I should probably go.”
“I know. I wish you didn’t have to, but—”
“I do.”
“Hey, this changes everything. You know that, don’t you?”
“I thought it would,” she whispered. “You were right. I can’t walk away. Not from you. Not the way I feel about you.”
He let out a long slow breath, then gave her a gorgeous smile. He took her hands in his and brought them to his lips. “We’re gonna make this work, Doc. I need you to believe that.”
“I believed in all sorts of magic once.”
“And you’ll believe again,” he said. “We’ll just…we’ll leave the kids out of it for now. We’ll do the you-and-me part for a while. Nothing wrong with it being just you and me.”