Because of the lies.
I have been living with the constant guilt of my ineptness
As a person. As a lover. As a sibling and as a child.
But I will never feel guilty for you.
For anything about you,
Who you were.
Or who you are today.
I WASN’T INITIALLY sure if taking Kennie to her old writing spot was the best decision, but, by the time we got back to the office, she seemed in much better spirits. Score one for how awesome I am. Whatever happened between her and Sammy—who I’ve since found out used to be like a part of the family—has really fucked with her. I would love to pry, but she didn’t seem much for hashing up old memories concerning that chick. It’s proving to skate a fine line between just grabbing and kissing her and assuring her everything will be alright, or maintaining the platonic friendship deal. I know she’s going through something so why can’t I help her as more than a friend?
Well, because if she knew what you’ve been trying to hide from everyone, she wouldn’t think twice about never giving you a chance, dick. I know everyone’s got something they’re not proud of. I’ll own up to my mistakes any day of the week, but this one? What I’m keeping from her? Just proves I’m not good enough for her. Maybe Kip’s right. Maybe everything I left behind didn’t change the kind of guy I am. But I’ll be damned if I can’t help myself when it comes to her. There’s a reason we were brought back together. I know it. I can feel it when I’m around her.
“Thank you for today.” We’re sitting idly in her car in the lot of the Tillson building garage. I turn towards her and see the sadness in her eyes. She continues, “For remembering that place, for somehow knowing it’s what I needed.” She lifts her hand to show me the journal. “And for providing me with the material to get it all out. Thank you will never be enough.”
I smile at her. “Trust me. Thank you is more than enough for me.”
I lift my hand to brush a lock of hair behind her ear, letting my fingers linger on her cheek.
She bows her head and I can feel the warmth spreading across her face. It’s absolutely fucking adorable. I love the innocent reactions I receive from her; they’re truly endearing. I clear my throat, and pull my hand away to keep the bulge from growing in my pants. “So, Kip said there’s some club not too far from here called Lune?” She nods. “Well anyway, since Halloween is coming up, he wanted to get a group together to go this weekend. You interested?”
“I’ll have to check, but I guess it would be alright.”
“It’s a costume themed night in celebration, so make sure you dress up.” I wink at her. “Saturday night around nine o’clock—you should invite Cass and Ade as well.”
“Ade can’t say no to a party, especially a themed one.” She smiles, and, fuck, it’s beautiful. I don’t care how wrong I am for her, she has to be mine. The end.
“Alright, cool story.” Cool story? Did I really just fucking blurt that bullshit out loud? I hear her stifle a giggle and realize I’m in her car so I need to excuse myself before I embarrass myself again. “Have a good day, Sweetheart. I’m sure I’ll see you later.”
“Thank you again—so much. I’ll see you around.”
THE WHOLE DRIVE home, walk up into my condo, during and after my shower, and now flipping through random channels on my television, Drew is on my mind. How long did he search to find my childhood hang out spot? Why would he even bother? It makes sense, but doesn’t at the same time. I’m sure I’m not even making sense right now. As I lie here aimlessly, my mind drifts off to the past two weeks.
It seems like the Dean boys never left in a way. We’ve all fallen into a comfortable state with each other. In this short time, I feel like I’ve made a bigger breakthrough than I would normally. I know they have something to do with it, but it doesn’t stop the plaguing feeling I have and continue to have about myself. Along with the doubts I hold. I sound like a broken record to myself, but having lived through the relationships I’ve had, the people I’ve trusted, the secrets that came pouring out all at once? Well, it could break anyone. I don’t like having pity parties because I know only I can bring myself back from this hell I’m in, but how. How do I learn to love me again?
I’m sure it doesn’t lie within having people tell me wonderful things about what they see in me. When the view I have of what I see in the mirror is so twisted, it doesn’t matter what people say. I see what I see and believe what I believe. Have I come out of my shell a little more in recent weeks? It goes without saying. However, at the end of the day, the lost woman that’s reflected back at me—that’s the battle I’m fighting. I keep telling myself one day, one day I will be able to truly forgive and move on. Maybe that’s what’s holding me back, my innate lack of forgiveness? I suppose I could start with Sammy, but she was supposed to be my best friend.
Interrupting my thoughts, I hear my doorbell ring. Looking over at the clock hanging from my wall, it reads after five. Wow, I didn’t notice how long I’d been contemplating things. Stretching, I stand, setting the remote on my rustic coffee table, and walk over to the door.
“Mackenzie.” Cass looks flustered. Damn. I spotted her looking at me a few times during my break down at the office, and my avoidance of Sammy for pictures today. “I’ve been trying to grab you to talk all day.” She crosses her arms over her chest. “Are you still busy?” She adds sarcastically, walking brusquely past me down the hall. I sigh, shaking my head back and forth, locking my door and follow her down the hall.
“Sorry honey, it’s just been a day.”
“I’ve gathered. I’m happy you’ve reconnected with those brothers, really I am, but I have to admit I’m a little jealous. They seem to be getting most of your time lately.”
Here I go again, not being able to find a balance between friends. I thought I was doing well. Cass must’ve noticed my fallen expression, “Honey, I’m not coming here to make you feel bad, I swear.” We both take a seat on my sectional. “I just want you to talk to me and Ade too, ya know?”
She’s right; absolutely right. “Yes I know. I apologize. I’m just all over the place sometimes.”
“I’ve noticed. By the way, what’s up with that leggy blonde with a twang?”
I forget Ade, Cass, and Sammy never really got an introduction. It was almost like separate worlds—I would hang out with Sammy alone or vice versa. “Oh that was Sammy.”
“Yeah I gathered that when she told all of us her name, but how does she fit into all of this? Your dad seems to have a liking towards her.”
Now, if I can spill my guts to Jax, surely my best friend is entitled to the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But, I can’t find it in me to see hurt or disappointment strewn across her face. I decide on half-truth. “We used to hang a lot a couple of years ago—you remember? Then, we just sort of…faded away I guess.” There, simple enough.
Until realization dawns on her, “Is that the chick Wes loved oh-so-much when Ade and I were the ‘bad influences’?”
I swallow. “Umm, yes?”
“What’s she doing back here?”
“Honestly, I don’t know.” Reminding me of a shittier time in my life comes to mind, though.
“When was the last time you saw her?” She looks confused, although I can’t figure out why.
“Like, a little over a year ago, I believe.”
“Huh.” She taps her index finger to her temple as if in thought. “So…right around the time we all got phone calls telling us everything was over between you and Wes?”
Whoever coined the phrase “dumb blonde” was a moron. Shit, shit, and more shit.
“Uh, yeah I suppose so.”
“Does she have anything to do with whatever happened between you and Wes? Honestly, I don’t want to sound like a nag but for Christ’s sake, why won’t you tell me—or us—what went on?”
Because the disappointment on your face would kill me, Cass. “No she doesn’t. And, there really isn’t anything to tell.”
> “Riiight, Mackenzie,” she retorts sarcastically.
“Babe, why’re they coming over again?” Wes asked me with annoyance in his voice.
“Because they’re my best friends?”
“That’s what Sammy’s for. Sammy and all of her people.”
“Is there a reason you’re always pushing for Sammy to be around with ‘her people’?”
“Oh don’t start that bullshit again, Mackenzie.”
“Is it? Is it bullshit?” I loathed arguing with Wes, but we’d just recently gotten engaged, and he needed to understand Cass and Ade were a part of my life, even if I’d been distant to them. I always tried to avoid an argument, but that day I just couldn’t handle it.
“Yes! Total bullshit! I’ve never, ever given you a reason to doubt me. Ever Mackenzie.”
“Oh no? You don’t think so? Is that why you always make snide comments to me and then apologize? Why you always ask me when the last time I worked out was? Why you’re always telling me to eat dry salads daily?” Tears started to well up in my eyes; a mixture of hurt and anger.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
I sniffled, wiping away at tears from my eyes.
“Don’t play that shit with me; your tears won’t work today.”
For whatever reason, Cass and Ade seemed to be a constant sore subject between the two of us, and I. Couldn’t. Stand. It.
“I’m not crying because I’m sad, Wes,” I said his name laced with venom. “I’m crying because I’m so angry I don’t know what else to do.”
“Well, there’s the door, if you’re so adamant about being upset, don’t let me stop you from leaving.”
“Seriously? Every fucking time with you. Why is it such a pain for you to accept they are my friends? It really shouldn’t be that big a deal. I’m marrying you next year; they’re a part of my life.”
“Knock it off. Don’t throw that shit in my face, it’s all bullshit they’ve put in your head about me.”
I threw my hands in the air in frustration. “That’s just it! They don’t say anything about you.”
“Don’t fucking lie to me, Mackenzie!” He yelled, and in his anger, threw the remote at the same time against the wall. I stopped in my tracks. All I could hear was the shattering of the remote and knew deep down we were headed in the wrong direction as a couple.
I shook my head at him. “You’re right, maybe I should go. These arguments over nothing make no sense.”
He looked over at the wall, then to the floor with pieces that were once a remote, and then back to me. “Baby. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I got so angry over nothing.”
He took a step toward me, and I took a shaky step back. I saw the pain in his eyes at my sudden movement.
“Babe, I would never hurt you, you know that right?”
I really hadn’t known that anymore. “Yeah, of course.”
“Listen, I’m not trying to tell you who to be friends with. I just don’t find them good enough for you. I’m sorry if that makes me the bad guy,” he’d told me in a much calmer, more soothing voice.
It was too late; his very last comment had been overheard by both Cass and Ade as they stopped dead in their tracks and assessed the shattered remnants of the remote on the floor. “Funny. Because we were sitting here thinking that you were the one who wasn’t good enough for our Mackenzie.” Ade stepped closer to me with Cass trailing her; her voice was filled with ice. “And in case you were wondering, douche bag, trying to get in the middle of a friendship does, in fact, make you the bad guy.”
“Can we just drop it, Cass?”
“Fine. But one day, Mackenzie, one day you’ll feel confident enough to let us in, and know we would never judge you.”
She’s right, one day I will. But. Not today. “Oh hey, Drew said Kip wanted us all to go out to that club Lune this weekend. I guess they’re doing something for Halloween? Costumes are required.”
This brightens her up considerably. “Oh good! I’m in. I know Ade will be too. Anything to dress scantily clad, that one,” she says, laughing. I can tell she wants to continue our conversation, but drops it. “What day this weekend?”
“He said Saturday around nine.”
“Alright, it’s only Monday—one week to prepare a hot outfit to go out in? Challenge accepted.” She grins at me. I see the wheels turning inside. She cocks her head, “What are you going to wear?”
Crap. I hadn’t thought this through.
ANOTHER WEEK DOWN, and I’m settling into the groove of things here quite nicely. I couldn’t think of any more excuses to stop by and see Kennie in the mornings without seeming like a complete creeper, so I kept my distance. That didn’t work out either. Ever since Vicki’s gotten my number, she’s reverted back to stalker phase one.
We. Are. Over.
I’m going to need to handle this sooner rather than later. It won’t help my chances with Kennie having Vicki constantly in my shit. Jax thinks it’s funny I can’t seem to shake her, but agrees it needs to be handled. I’m almost tempted to change my number. I probably should. She’s in another relationship for fuck’s sake, so I don’t understand. Thankfully the week is over and I can relax for the weekend. I’m looking forward to tomorrow night, seeing everyone’s costumes; especially Kennie’s. I haven’t decided what I’m going to be yet, but I’m sure I’ll come up with something between today and tomorrow night. I lean over the balcony of our condo, taking in the people walking around to different shops and restaurants below. Although it’s Friday afternoon with the work day complete, I’m drinking coffee. Taking a sip, I stand and loosen my tie a little. It’s been a hectic workweek, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I enjoy being busy, I enjoy what my job entails, and who am I kidding? I enjoy being the boss. Jax and I seem to fit in pretty easily with everyone at Tillson. Some of our employees back in Virginia have transferred over; some will stay to close out the rest of our contracts. All in all this has been a great transition. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I look at the caller ID before answering.
“Hey Kip, what’s up?”
“Hey, open your door.”
“You’re coming off creepy as shit, dude.”
“I’ve been ringing your doorbell for like five minutes.”
“I didn’t hear it because I’m on my back porch. Chill your tits, I’m coming.”
I hang up the phone, as I walk to the front door. Kip’s standing there with his shirt hanging out as he holds up a six pack of Samuel Adams.
“And what’s the occasion?” I ask sarcastically.
“Uh, Friday night, duh.”
“Well by all means, come on in.”
He strolls past me. “Where’s Jax?”
“I don’t know. Hitting on all of women kind somewhere?”
“I’m surprised you’re not with him doing the same.” He thinks he’s so funny.
“I could say the same about you.”
I shake my head and chuckle behind him as he pulls out two beers, setting the rest in my fridge. “Seriously, what’s the occasion?”
“No occasion, just figured we’d catch up; it’s been hectic at work, and we haven’t really had a chance to see what’s been going on.”
“Oh no, you don’t want to hold hands and talk about our feelings and shit, right?” I ask him mockingly.
He shoves my shoulder with his right hand as he takes a swig of his beer. Laughing, we both make our way around and over to the bar stools to sit. “So for real, how you been all these years?”
I inhale deeply. “Good. For the most part anyway, like any family, we’ve had our bumps in the road. Nothing of grave importance though. Mom and Dad are good, Jax is good. I’m good.” Okay so I may have left out some issues that occurred over the years, and maybe skimmed over some ‘grave importance’ shit, but I’m not ready to talk about it. Especially not like some chick with our beers subbing for something girly—like margaritas.
“What about
you? It seems your parents are doing as well as they were before I left. And your sister, well, she’s changed the most from what I can tell.”
“Yeah they are, and yes she has. I miss the way Mackenzie used to be so carefree,” he sighs, taking another swig from his beer. “She’ll be okay though. I believe that, she’s stronger than she believes.”
I ponder on that. This whole time I’ve wanted to “rescue” her, but is that what she needs? Am I underestimating her like everyone else? She may or may not need a nudge to help get her better but, who the fuck am I to say what it is she needs?
“You’re right, she’ll be just fine.”
“Question.”
“Answer.”
“You’re a smart ass, Drew, you know that, right?”
I take a pull from my beer grinning, before setting it back down on the bar. “Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
“Anyway, have you decided what you’re going to be for tomorrow night?”
“Nah, I haven’t given it much thought. You?”
“Fuck yeah I have! I’m going as…wait for it...Tarzan!” He yells this as if it’s the most brilliant idea he’s had to date. I burst into laughter.
“Tarzan? Really?”
“Hey, no judgment from the boring and undecided. Halloween is my favorite holiday. You know why?” I shake my head at him. “Because, it’s the one time of year girls don’t mind dressing as slutty as they can. It’s a beautiful thing my friend.” He claps my back grinning.
He’s got a very valid point. It should be a good time seeing all of the costumes these Florida girls come up with.
AS THE NIGHT wears on, we clear through the six pack Kip brought over. We’ve since upgraded to Jack and Coke. It’s almost ten o’clock and we’re both pretty lit. Jax comes strolling through the door with his arm around some brunette under his arm. Kip and I look at them. Jax stops in the living room where we’ve planted ourselves with sports on in the background. He grins. “Gentlemen.”
We both stifle our laughter. It’s evident he will not be introducing his play toy for the night. My brother, who will not admit his intense attraction to the lovely Cass, does not deal with rejection well. To each his own I guess.
Ending a Broken Journey Page 12