by Jayne Blue
Tim narrowed his eyes at me. “Killian, you make me sad. You ever going to decide what you want to be when you grow up?”
I pushed my chair back, stood up, then kicked the thing backward. I grabbed my stack of papers and shoved them into the outbox near the office door.
“Look, I appreciate you looking out for me. If that’s what this little lecture is supposed to be. But you don’t have to worry about me.”
“Really? Hell, Ben that’s pretty much all I do. Someone’s got to. You sure as hell aren’t worrying about yourself. And don’t stand there looking at me like I’m crazy. I know you took the command officer’s test last cycle. I also know how well you did on it. Do you?”
I opened my mouth to say something but the air seemed to leave me. I’d told exactly no one that I’d taken that fucking test. I’m not even sure why I did it. I wasn’t sure whether to be pissed at Tim for calling me out on it or pissed at whoever spilled the beans that I’d done it.
“I’m your lieutenant,” he said. “You didn’t realize it would cross my desk too?”
“Actually, no.”
“Well, you busted the thing. Did they tell you that? You scored higher on it than anyone pretty much ever has. Like perfect, Ben.”
“It’s not like it was that hard, Tim. I mean, you passed it.” I smiled wide and hoped my joke would get him to quit looking at me with that hard, judgmental stare. It didn’t.
“You’re up for a promotion, Ben. That’s what I’m getting at. That’s part of the conversation I had with the chief last week and why he specifically asked you to sit in on that meeting. He wanted to feel both of us out.”
I started to pace. Hell, it got hard to breathe. I had this boxed-in feeling that made me start to sweat.
“Ben, sit down.”
“I’d rather not. Jesus. Tim, don’t start. I like Strike Team. I’m good at it. It’s who I am. You more than anyone know that.”
“Fine. So just listen. It’s not just you we were talking about promoting.”
I stopped pacing. Tim’s tone softened. I liked the look in his eyes even less.
“You’re leaving?”
Tim gave me a grim nod. “I want to. Marek wants to promote me to captain. Coates is taking a forced retirement.”
“Forced?”
“Yeah. I told you Marek is something else. He’s seen straight through the bullshit around here and isn’t afraid of doing something about it.”
“You want that? Coates’s job?”
Tim ran a hand through his hair. “Actually, yeah. As long as we’ve got somebody like Marek at the top, I think it wouldn’t be so bad. The pay rise is appealing too. Ideally, I take Coates’s job, you take mine.”
I gripped the back of my chair and dropped my head. It felt a little like an airplane crash position and it occurred to me that wasn’t a half bad idea.
“Don’t you think it’s time, Ben?”
“Time for what? Time to slow down and get fat?”
Tim laughed. “Ben, nobody’s asking you to leave the team. We’re just asking you to think about taking on a different role. You’ve been at this for almost a decade. Strike, then vice before that. You’re playing the numbers and you know it. How many guys have we both seen over the years stay in it just a little too long? Shit, we’ve buried three and probably a dozen others are on disability now or drunks or divorced. This shit takes a toll and you know it. What you do is a young guy’s game.”
“Jesus, Tim, I’m thirty-two, not eighty-two.”
He conceded the point with a nod. “Sure. But maybe this is fate talking to you. Four days ago you ended up in the hospital. I’m not saying it was your fault or that it couldn’t have happened to any one of us, but a normal person might look at that as a bit of a wake-up call. Next time you might not be so lucky.”
“You sound like Janet.” Tim knew Janet. Again, small-ass town and everyone knew everyone. Plus, she’d babysat Tim and his younger sister thirty-odd years ago.
“Janet’s telling you the same thing? Well, hell, Ben, why aren’t you listening? That woman is scary as shit.”
This finally got a laugh out of me. Then a shudder ran through me thinking about what kind of number she might have done on Charlotte. She was supposed to go over there this week and God knew what Janet would tell her. Maybe that was the reason Charlotte had been blowing off my calls. I looked at Tim and dropped my shoulders with a sigh.
“What else has been flying around about Charlotte Marek and me?”
Tim bit his bottom lip. “Ah. So there is a Charlotte Marek and you. Damn. What are you doing, man?”
I dropped myself back into my chair and put my hands on my head. “I don’t know. That’s the God’s honest truth. I like her. That’s about all I can tell you.”
Tim pressed his thumb and forefinger into the corners of his eyes and scrunched up his face. “Don’t tell me. For the love of God, don’t tell me. But tell me this, have you fucked her yet?”
My back went rigid and I clamped my jaw hard. Tim caught my look though and knew the answer to his question without me saying anything. He blew out a hard breath.
“It’s not like that,” I said and realized how lame that sounded. But I didn’t have anything better. If I was being honest with myself, I didn’t know what it was like.
“Ben, you and I go way back. Like, as far as we can possibly go without me being your actual brother. But you know and I know you’re closer to me than you are to your blood brothers. We all are.”
He was right. It’s like that when you have to rely on the person next to you to save your ass. “Tim, I’m going to ask you to trust me.”
He slapped his hands on the desk. “And I’m telling you I can’t. Not with this. Not this girl. You more than anyone know you don’t shit where you eat. I know you, man. You’re bad at this. Greek tragedy bad. You know most of the guys in this squad make a point of not introducing you to their sisters.”
“Fuck you, Tim.” Except I couldn’t fault his observation. My track record with women mirrored my track record on the job. Fast and hard, in and out. Take no prisoners. It’s exactly what I was looking for with Charlotte that night in the bar. Except, something happened. She was Charlotte.
“Do you have a thing for her, or is this just about fucking?”
My back went up and I had the urge to punch something, preferably Tim’s face for saying that. His mouth dropped and he leaned back.
“Sheeit. You have a thing for her.”
I put a hand up in surrender. “I didn’t say shit, Tim. You’re putting words in my mouth.”
“So then it’s just about fucking her. For shit’s sake, Ben. You’re playing with dynamite here. And if word got back to me, you can bet your ass it could get back to her old man. This could hurt you.”
“It’s not going to hurt me because it’s not going to go any further.” I said it to convince both Tim and myself. I hated that he was right, but he was. There was pretty much no spin on this that would save my ass if word made it to the chief that I’d had a run at his only daughter. Jesus, hell. What was I thinking?
“Duly noted, okay?” I finally said.
Tim didn’t seem satisfied. But he slid off the corner of my desk and went back to his own. “I mean it though; I’m not trying to get in your way. I’m actually trying to help you, asshole. For once, you might want to think about following my advice.”
“Tim, be straight with me. You hate this. You hate this job. I know you. You’d rather be out in the field on the ground with the rest of us. I know you.”
Tim steepled his fingers and looked at me straight on. “If you’re asking me whether I miss it sometimes, yeah. The adrenaline rush is like nothing else. But you know what I love even more? I love knowing the chances are pretty damn good I’m going get home on time. I’m going to watch my kids grow up and have a body that isn’t too broken down to coach Little League or throw my eventual grandkids across the pool. I don’t hate that a bit, Ben. And I want that for you
. You deserve it. I swear to God, man. It’s like you don’t even know what you’re missing, you’ve had tunnel vision about this job for so long. Believe me. I’m telling you. Don’t throw this chance away.”
I pressed my forehead against my fist. He was right and I hated him a little for it.
“Ben,” he said. “Look at me, man. This girl. Do you know what you’re getting into?”
I had a thousand quick retorts but I couldn’t say any of them. The hard truth was, I didn’t. I had no idea. I just knew that I liked spending time with her and was itching to do more of it. But like everything else in my life, I hadn’t thought much beyond that.
“If you care about her, if you think it could be something, then you need to tell her. If you don’t, you need to tell her that too. You can’t fuck this one up.”
“I know, man. I know.”
Tim’s shoulders sagged and he smiled again. “So what the hell are you planning to do?”
“About the job or the girl?”
“Both. But right now I mean about the girl.”
My phone sat on the top of my desk. Goddammit, Tim was right. I had to put up or shut up where Charlotte was concerned. Dragging this out was only going to end in disaster. I’d hurt her like I did every other woman I’d ever gotten close to. The blowback from it could fuck things up beyond my control. I fingered the touch screen and looked at Tim. He gave me a wide-eyed, expectant stare. I flipped him off again and dialed Charlotte’s number. As I waited for her to answer, I realized I had no idea what I’d say.
Chapter Thirteen
Charlotte
“I need to see you. We need to talk.” Ben’s voice had a hard edge that cut through me. I chewed my lip as I sat in my driveway. Rain pelted my windshield leaving thick streaks where the wipers didn’t reach.
“I know.” My heart tripped at my own heavy tone. I’d avoided him for the better part of the week and I wasn’t exactly sure why. Well, that was only partially true. I felt like the next time we did see each other, neither of us would be able to pretend this was casual.
I’m not sure what was worse. Being casual, or admitting that I might actually have feelings for the guy. Either option would lead to a complicated outcome. If I gave into it, he would hurt me. Maybe not today, maybe not intentionally, but I’d watched my mother hollow out from the inside after years of loving a man who lived as dangerously as Ben did.
“I’m coming over.” Heat stabbed through me. Since the second I met him, Ben had been direct and in charge. I sort of loved that about him after so much uncertainty with Craig. For months, Craig had been dismissive when I sensed something was wrong. I felt like he’d been going through the motions and he changed the subject every time I brought it up. Now it was me being dismissive and I hated it. Ben deserved better and so did I.
“When?”
“How about now? My shift just ended and you’re kind of on my way home.”
I laughed. “Did you forget I’ve been to your home? My place is about as far out of the way as it gets.”
“Maybe. But we’ve beefed up patrols around campus and the surrounding neighborhoods on account of those home invasions. I’m just doing my part.”
I twisted my grip on the steering wheel. “You’re already around the corner, aren’t you?”
Ben let out a sigh and I swear I felt the devilish smirk through the speaker. Pursing my lips, I rolled my eyes. “You’re right behind me, aren’t you?” I stared straight ahead.
“Well, you know I’m not just about breaking doors down. Stealth is part of the job too.”
“Oh, of course. How could I forget?”
“It’s pouring. You planning on making me sit outside all night?”
I clicked the garage door opener and pulled my car in. Headlights shone in my rearview mirror as Ben pulled up behind me. I killed the ignition and grabbed my phone off the dashboard dock. Holding it to my ear, I got out of the car and turned around. Ben’s headlights nearly blinded me. I held up a hand to shield my eyes.
“You’re a persistent sucker, I’ll give you that,” I said. Ben’s deep laughter through the phone gave me goosebumps. But I made a promise to myself as I stood under the shelter of my detached garage. No matter what, I wouldn’t let this get physical tonight. That had been my downfall with Ben Killian from the very beginning. The man operated on what feels good at the moment. One of us had to think clearly; tonight it would have to be me.
“Look, I just want to talk. Promise.”
I looked down at the tips of my leather boots. Rain splattered them and I shoved my free hand into the pocket of my trench coat. “I’m going to hold you to that. Now, I’m about to make a run for it to the back door.”
“Good plan. Watch out for the puddles. They’re cavernous. You really ought to have somebody come out and look at your driveway. It needs leveling.”
Leveling. That was the perfect word for it. It’s what I needed. Steady, even, predictable.
I slipped my phone into my pocket and stepped out into the rain. Ben killed his headlights and got out to meet me. I held my mail over my head to shield my face as well as I could. But within a few seconds, I was soaked to the bone. Ben opened the wooden gate and held it for me as I stepped around him. Rain beaded at the shoulder of his black wool coat and formed fat droplets on the ends of his hair. Fumbling for my keys, I opened the door and went inside.
I grabbed two kitchen towels off the counter and handed one to Ben as he followed me inside. Water flew around his head as he shook it, reminding me of a big dog. I couldn’t help but laugh as some of it sprayed me. Ben gave me a sheepish grin that damn near melted me. Soaked, I shivered and peeled off my coat. I set it and Ben’s on a hook near the back door and we went inside.
He hadn’t been here since that first night I let him follow me home from the bar. As I crossed the threshold into my living room, a memory flashed of him taking me on all fours and how eager I’d been for it. Level, I told myself. I had to stay level in body and in mind. If I could get through tonight without letting it get physical, I was headed to visit my mother tomorrow. A few days’ distance might be just what we both needed.
I turned back to him. He leaned against the wall and regarded me with a knowing grin that made me realize he replayed the exact same memory of me on the living room floor. It took everything in me not to go to him. I wanted to slide my hands over his chest and have him kiss me slow and deep like he did that night. It would have been so much simpler. It was always simpler with Ben when he touched me.
“I’m sorry,” I started. “I know I’ve kind of been avoiding you.”
He raised a brow. “I did kind of notice that.”
I gestured toward the couch. I flicked on the gas fireplace and rubbed my hands in front of it. My fingertips were purple. Ben came behind me and rubbed the tops of my arms. His touch ignited me like it always did. I closed my eyes to it and turned to face him.
“We can’t do this anymore,” I said.
Ben took a step back and took me up on my offer to sit. He stretched his legs and rubbed his thighs to warm them. I hesitated for an instant then sat beside him.
“How bad was it over at Janet’s?” he asked and that threw me. I assumed Janet had probably filled Ben in on every detail. I hadn’t answered the phone when Craig called but she’d seen enough to make assumptions. Craig called three more times since then; each voicemail grew angrier. But I couldn’t talk to him again. Doing so clouded my judgment and made me do all the reckless things I’d done with Ben. Rebound, that’s all this was. Or maybe a part of me just wanted to lash out or prove Craig’s betrayal didn’t still sting.
“Enlightening,” I said. “She’s an impressive woman.”
Ben nodded. “She’s something, all right. You sure she didn’t scare you off?”
Smiling, I smoothed a damp lock of hair away from my face. “Not even close. I think I’m going to be able to help her and that makes me glad. It’s an amazing legacy your parents left for your family
. She and Joe want to expand and I’m hoping with a few adjustments, I can help them find ways to come up with the capital to do it.”
“That’s great.”
An uncomfortable silence fell between us as we exhausted the most obvious, safest topic.
“Look.” We both said it together, then paused. I laughed first and Ben tilted his head. He flashed a dimple and it warmed me to see it as much as his hands had.
“You first,” I said.
He spread his fingers and held them out as if he were presenting me with something. Then he curled his fists and put them to his sides. “I gotta admit. This is uncharted territory for me. But it’s been pointed out to me by several people that I’m kind of a shithead when it comes to situations like this.”
I sat back and crossed my legs. “Situations?”
“If you weren’t you. I mean, if you didn’t have the dad you did, I might not be worrying so much about how this comes across.”
I couldn’t help it. A flare of anger made me stiffen my back. “My dad? What difference does that make? Sure, Frank Marek’s my father. But if he wasn’t, I’d be somebody’s daughter, right?”
Ben let out an exasperated sigh. “I know. I know. That’s not what I meant. It’s just, there’s a certain amount of trouble I’m borrowing by even being here.”
“Trouble. Sure.”
“Charlotte, shit. The whole way over here I was trying to think of how to put this. What I could say that didn’t make me come off like a first-class asshole.”
I felt a little hollow. Ben seemed to be trying to say the exact thing I knew I should say to him. We were a train wreck. We felt good to each other at the moment, but it was the after that could mess everything up for both of us. Except, now that he seemed to be trying to form the words, it hurt. God, it burned. This, I told myself. This was exactly why Ben was no good for me. Exhilaration or misery seemed to be the only two emotions I felt around him.
“I get it,” I said. “You’re trying to be a gentleman even though it’s a little bit too late for that. You know, Ben, you could have done this on the phone. I wouldn’t have held it against you.”