by Erica Lee
Once the words were out, I leaned down to run a hand over the grave. Emotions overtook me, and I collapsed onto the ground, placing my head against the stone. Grace sat beside me and put an arm around my shoulder. “Shh, it’s OK,” she soothed, as I continued to repeat the words I’m sorry over and over again. She placed a kiss on my temple and began to run her hand up and down my back. I allowed myself to melt into her, as we sat in silence. I wasn’t sure if we sat like this for a few minutes or a few hours, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was the moment that we were sharing.
Our silence was broken when I heard Grace whisper “L.S..” under her breath. It was barely audible and I wasn’t sure she even meant to say it out loud, but I looked over at her for an explanation. “Sorry. I just had a realization. Your grandma’s initials were LS. You dedicated your first book to her.”
I wasn’t sure whether to be flattered or creeped out that Grace remembered this, but I couldn’t say that I was exactly surprised. For the first time since arriving, I let out a slight laugh. “Creep,” I muttered playfully.
Luckily, Grace chuckled in response. “Whatever. I read that book more times than I’d like to admit. I probably have every word memorized.” Grace hesitated then added, “I’m sure she is by the way.”
“Is what?”
“Proud of you.” Her reminder made the words from my dedication pop into my mind. For L.S. - I love you and hope I’m making you proud.
“I’m not so sure of that,” I admitted, turning around so I was now looking out over the hillside that my grandma’s grave sat on. “My grandma was one of a kind. She was so unapologetically herself. She didn’t care what anyone else thought. I don’t think I could ever measure up to that.”
Grace turned so she was looking out over the hill with me now. “I don’t know, Kinsley. If what you’re saying is true, then it sounds like you are a lot like her.”
“Hardly,” I scoffed. “You were right in your assessment that first night we hung out. I’m a fraud. Laurel Lake and Kinsley Scott are two very different people and I play the part of both of them.”
“And which one of them is the real you?”
I sincerely considered her question. Not long ago, I would have said that it was obviously Kinsley, but now I wasn’t so sure. “Honestly? I’m not sure if either is. I understand the feelings I’m writing about in my books because I’ve felt them before, but that still doesn’t mean that I actually believe them. Even if I somehow fell madly in love, I would still find the idea of happily ever after to be complete bullshit. Life is messy. It will always be messy, whether you find someone to spend it with or not. Things don’t magically fall together and stay that way just because you meet the one, or say ‘I love you’ for the first time, or even get married. Life will still find ways to test you or completely screw you over. So, I guess you could say that I fall somewhere in the middle. The rainbows, butterflies, and words of wisdom that Laurel Lake spews are shit. But Kinsley Scott isn’t nearly as hard and callous as she pretends to be.”
Grace stared into my eyes as if she was looking straight into my soul. “Have you ever considered that maybe you should stop playing those parts and just be you?”
I looked toward the setting sun, trying to will myself not to start crying again. “I’m not so sure I can do that. I feel like I’ve only been completely authentic with two people my entire life.”
Grace continued to keep her eyes glued to me. It was so intense that I almost felt the need to squirm away, like her intensity could somehow burn me. “Your grandma and Nikki?” she finally asked. Although, it almost sounded more like a statement than a question.
I shook my head in response. “No. My grandma and…” I took another deep breath, unsure if I really wanted to admit this part. “And you.”
For the first time since arriving, it looked like Grace might be the one to start to cry. Instead, her eyes moved from mine down to my lips and then her own lips followed that path as well, crashing into mine as softly as they could while still showing desperation. I ran my tongue along her lower lip, aching to feel more connected to her. As she opened her mouth to mine, I couldn’t help the tiny moan that escaped me. This kiss, right here in the middle of a damn cemetery, charged with all of the emotion from the day, put every other kiss of my entire life to shame. I never wanted it to end, but eventually, Grace pulled back.
She started to giggle as we both took in our surroundings. I put my head in my hands, then turned to look at my grandma’s grave once again. “By the way Grams, we do that… a lot. This girl is… well, she’s something. You’d like her.”
This time, a few tears did fall from Grace’s eyes. She looked away from me, staring out at the setting sun. “This is one of the most beautiful sunsets I’ve ever seen.” She looked back over at me, with a gleeful smile now on her face. “Could we take a picture?”
“Of the sunset or of us?”
“Both silly.”
“Absolutely not,” I groaned. “I’ve been crying all afternoon. I probably look like ass right now.”
“For the record, you look beautiful. You always do. You have sunglasses though, right? Just put those on. Then there won’t be any evidence of the crying.”
“Instead I’ll just look like a douche who wears sunglasses when it’s dark out,” I laughed.
A serious look took over Grace’s face. “It’s not dark yet. Technically, the sun is just as dangerous, or likely even more dangerous, to the eyes as it’s rising and setting.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a glasses case, replacing her current glasses with a pair of sunglasses. “Plus, you won’t be alone.”
I shook my head, my laugh becoming more hearty. “You are such a nerd. You did that on purpose, didn’t you? You knew I wouldn’t be able to say no to you when you’re being all geeky and sexy?”
Grace simply laughed in return and pulled out her phone. I put on my sunglasses, and we turned so the sunset was behind us. I snaked my arm around her waist, and she put her free arm over my shoulder, leaning the weight of her body against me. I allowed myself to lean into her as well and smiled a genuine smile as she snapped the picture. She held the phone away from me while she studied her work. “This is great! Do you mind if I post it?”
“Just as long as you don’t put some lame lovey dovey caption or inspirational quote, I’m fine with it.”
Grace typed a few words, then showed me her phone. “How is that?”
I looked at the caption and started to laugh once again. I was starting to realize that I tended to do that a lot around Grace. “Sunsets and shades? Really? That’s what you came up with?”
Grace shrugged her shoulders. “It’s not my fault that you put a limit on my creativity. Plus, I happen to think it describes the moment perfectly.” She continued to look down at the picture before smiling over at me. “The sunset truly does look very beautiful here, doesn’t it?”
I nodded my head, even though that wasn’t what had caught my eye. The sunset was far from the most beautiful part of that picture.
Chapter 18: Grace
“This girl is something.” Those were the words that kept running through my head as Kinsley drove us to her childhood home. I knew it was just a dumb phrase, but coming from Kinsley, I also knew that it meant more. I wanted to know exactly what it meant, but asking her would have crossed a line that we agreed not to cross.
“So, I think I need to tell you a little bit more about my relationship with my family before we get there,” Kinsley spoke nervously, interrupting my thoughts. “When I told you that I shut out the world once I realized I was gay, I meant that. It’s especially true for my family. I shut them out while I was in high school, and as I told you, the only time I came home during college was that one time for my grandma’s funeral. I didn’t even come home when my nephew was born or two years later, when my niece was born. Even after Nikki dumped me, I didn’t come home. I closed myself off from everybody, including my college friends since they had all been
Nikki’s friends first and foremost, and pretty much locked myself away for the last year and a half. One positive is that I wrote my first book at that time, but I didn’t end up coming home again until after I graduated.”
“Wait a second.” I felt bad interrupting Kinsley’s story, but all of this just sounded so familiar. That’s when it hit me. “Your first book… that was about you and Nikki.”
“My first book was fiction,” Kinsley answered sharply. “All of them are.”
“But it was based off of you and Nikki. Just admit it Kinsley. I don’t know how I didn’t realize it before now. The characters were named Kenzie and Nicole. The story is about the two of them being in a long distance relationship until Kenzie decides to move to Nicole. Then Nicole gets cold feet at one point and dumps her. But…”
“But it has a happy ending so it clearly wasn’t about us,” Kinsley interrupted, a bite to her voice now.
I knew I shouldn’t push it, but I had learned that sometimes that’s exactly what Kinsley needed. “It has the happy ending that you wanted. After being dumped, Kenzie moved back home, but Nicole came after her. She flew across the country and showed up at her door to win her back. That’s how you wanted your story to end. You ran away, but you were hoping that Nicole would chase after you, weren’t you?”
Kinsley’s face turned red and I noticed that she had started to grip the steering wheel harder. “It doesn’t matter what I was hoping for because it didn’t happen. So just drop it, OK?! We have more important things to discuss right now.”
I shrunk down into my seat, realizing I had pushed that too far. I had a tendency of doing that. I had pushed Becky right into the arms of another woman. I felt blush spread onto my cheeks. “Sorry. Please go on.”
Kinsley gritted her teeth. “So, as I was saying before you rudely interrupted me, I spent four years acting like I didn’t give a damn about these people. Sure, I talked to my parents when they called, and they even came out to visit once during my freshman year and one more time my sophomore year. Aside from from that, they got nothing from me. You know I’m not proud of that, but I haven’t gotten much better since. I honestly still don’t know how they feel about me being gay, so I have continued to keep them at arm’s length.”
I studied Kinsley, trying to decipher how she felt about this. Aside from her grandma, her attitude toward her family always seemed so indifferent, but I didn’t think that was truly the case. I was starting to learn that Kinsley ran away when she cared too much, not the other way around. “How did your family react when you came out?” I hoped my question wouldn’t cause Kinsley to shut down again.
“I wouldn’t say I came out to my family. It was more like I tore that closet door off completely and didn’t look back to check on the destruction I caused.” Kinsley actually chuckled a bit when she said this. “I came home from school after graduation and I believe my exact words were, ‘I’m gay and I don’t want to hear what you have to say about it because I really don’t care.’ That was it. No one has said a word about it since. It’s just the big rainbow elephant in the room anytime we’re all together.”
“Seems a little harsh, don’t you think? No offense, Kinsley, but I feel like you didn’t give them a chance.”
Kinsley smiled at me in a way that I couldn’t read. I honestly didn’t know if she found my words amusing or if she was happy about the fact that she was about to go off on me. “You know… you have this really annoying habit of calling me out on my shit, and I can’t decide if I love it or hate it. I agree though; it was harsh. And like I’ve said before, I really do adore my family. They’ve just never done anything to make me believe that they would be accepting of this part of my life, so it’s easier to remain naive to how they really feel.”
“I get it,” I sighed. “My parents had a really hard time when I came out. They didn’t want to accept it right away. It was definitely hard on all of us. They eventually came around though, and since then they have been 100% supportive. Maybe you should give your family a chance. I mean, they haven’t turned their backs on you or disowned you. That has to count for something.”
Kinsley shrugged her shoulders. “I guess so.” She then turned onto the street marked Hidden Lake Road, and soon, we were pulling into her driveway. I looked at the modest two-story house in front of us. It was simple but cute. “Welp. Home sweet home,” she muttered, before jumping out of the car and heading toward the door.
As soon as she opened the door, I could smell the scent of a home cooked meal wafting from the kitchen. My mouth immediately began to water. That was definitely one thing I missed since coming to Philly. I couldn’t remember the last time I had a home cooked meal. Becky had always cooked, and then my mom took over that duty once I moved back home. Kinsley directed me to follow her and the smell continued to get stronger until we were in the kitchen. There was a woman standing by the stove, mixing something that appeared to be mashed potatoes. She was wearing an apron, and from behind, looked like a shorter, slightly more plump version of Kinsley. A blonde girl, who seemed to be a just few years older than us, entered the room carrying a stack of plates, napkins, and silverware. “Hey, Kinsley! When did you guys get here?” the blonde asked.
Upon hearing this, the older woman, who I assumed to be Kinsley’s mom, whirled around. “Kinsley! My baby girl! I can’t believe you’re actually here,” she squealed. She quickly made her way over to us and wrapped Kinsley in a big hug. When she pulled back, she continued holding onto her arms and studied her for a minute. “Are you eating enough? You’re way too skinny.”
Kinsley rolled her eyes at this. “Yes, mom. I eat all the time.”
“You haven't become one of those people who doesn’t eat meat, have you?” her mom asked skeptically.
“A vegetarian? No. You ask me this every time you see me, and the answer is always the same.”
Her mom waved a hand at her. “Hey, you can’t blame me for asking. You’re a city girl now. I don’t know how that will change you. Cities are filled with hippies and organic grocery stores and Democrats.” She said the last word as though it was a curse word, rather than a political party. She then turned to look at me for the first time. “Oh goodness. Where have my manners gone?! I’m Mrs. Scott. You must be Grace.”
I reached my hand out to her. “Yes. I’m Grace Harper. It’s very nice to meet you Mrs. Scott.”
Mrs. Scott grabbed my hand with both of hers and shook it enthusiastically, then continued to hold it as she leaned in to place a kiss on my cheek. Her lips then moved toward my ear and she loudly whispered, “I hear you’re the one who convinced my daughter to actually come home this weekend. Thank you for that. She never wants to see her old mom.”
Kinsley rolled her eyes again. “Mom, you know I can hear you, right?”
I playfully elbowed her in the side. “Hey! Be nice to your mother.” Kinsley stuck her tongue out at me, and for a moment, I got caught up looking into her eyes, almost forgetting where we were. When I looked back at her mom, I realized her face had grown more serious, and she was looking between Kinsley and I, almost as if she was calculating something. I worried that she had seen our little moment and caught on to the fact that there was something going on between us, and the look on her face had me worried that maybe Kinsley’s suspicions were right.
Luckily, the smile quickly returned to her face, and she winked over at me. “I can already tell that I’m going to like you,” she chuckled.
By this time, the blonde had finished setting the table and made her way over to us. She smiled at me sweetly and reached out a hand. “I’m Kinsley’s sister-in-law, Megan. It’s nice to meet you, Grace.” She then turned toward Kinsley. “It’s great to see you Kinsley.”
“Right back atcha,” Kinsley replied. “I didn’t realize you guys were going to be here tonight. Where is everyone else?”
“Of course they would be here!” Mrs. Scott answered excitedly. “It’s not very often that we get to do family dinner together!”
Kinsley used her head to motion toward the backyard. “Come with me. I’ll introduce you to the rest of the fam.” To my surprise, she instinctively reached out and grabbed my hand, dropping it almost immediately when she realized what she had done. Kinsley didn’t blush very often, but her face was beet red as we walked out of the kitchen. It was absolutely adorable and made me wish that she was still holding my hand.
We made our way out her back door onto a large patio where two men in coveralls, that read Scott Auto Body in big bold letters, were perched over the grill. When they heard the door close, both men turned toward the sound. The older man’s face lit up when he saw us. “Look who decided to come home!” he beamed. “Come give your old man a hug.”
As Kinsley hugged her dad, the guy who I had to assume was her brother came over and gave her a noogie. “How’s it going, kiddo?”
Kinsley pulled away from both of them, fixing her hair as soon as she was free. “I’m doing good. This is my uh… friend… Grace, by the way.”
Grace’s dad stuck his hand out to me. “Grace. Great to meet you. I’m Mr. Scott.”
“And I’m Kevin,” her brother added with a wave. “Sorry about the appearance. We were working late tonight. Didn’t get the chance to go home and shower before the ladies demanded that we put on the steak. Speaking of which - it’s done. Shall we head inside?”