Leaving Salt Lake City

by Matthew Timion

  Our initial meeting went great. Spending our time going to various places around Las Vegas, mostly for the kids’ sake, was a blast. Having room service and watching movies in the hotel room made us both feel like we already had this little family. Everything seemed so right. It was as though it was meant to be. We were officially a couple.

  On this trip both Manny and Charlie put on their hoodies, and they were identical. While Charlie was a year younger than Manny, they were the same size. From behind they appeared to be twins. We walked the casinos and the Las Vegas strip with two children dressed identically alike. We were “those parents” who dressed their children the same.

  Friends of mine began asking who Michelle was. They wanted to know all about her, knowing the trouble I had dealt with when I was married to Jessica. Every single friend of mine was elated for me. Every single one of them cheered me on. “It’s about time,” they said. Their feeling was exactly how I felt too. It was about time.

  We had a plan. Michelle was going to move to Utah to be closer to her sister and brother-in-law. She was going to move to Utah in order to be closer to me too. She started talking about her plan to move in March of 2012. Her goal was to move in June when Charlie was done with school for the year. She talked freely about her plans to relocate with her son and with my son. “There is no way,” I thought, “that she should be lying about this. There is no way she would say this and possibly hurt these kids with a lie."

  I envisioned a life where she would live nearby. She would enroll Charlie in the same school as Manny. “Charlie is my best friend,” Manny told me. “I cannot wait for him to move to Utah." Charlie and Manny began video chatting more and more frequently. They were developing a real friendship together.

  Charlie asked Michelle, “Mom, can you marry Matt?”

  “Why?" It seemed to be so out of the blue and unexpected.

  “Because when people talk in class about having a brother or sister, I want to tell them I have one." He, of course, was referencing Manny. He wanted Manny to be his brother. I started to think that all of the years of pain and parenting all by myself were paying off. This woman wanted all of the same things I did. She wanted her son to be with my son. She wanted this fantasy life that I wanted too.

  I was so wrapped up in the emotion and the romance that I didn’t see the red flags.

  “I don’t know why you want me Matt. I’m just so ordinary." I didn’t think she was ordinary. I thought she was great. “You could easily find someone better." I didn’t think so. After she started talking like this it persisted for weeks.

  I began wondering if something was going on that I didn’t know about. She seemed to be spending a lot of time with her tattoo artist getting tattooed. Was she cheating? She couldn’t be. I realized that my default reaction was that people were cheating on me. Jessica’s behavior years back still stuck with me and somehow tainted my view of relationships. Michelle insulting herself and telling me that I could do better than her should have tipped me off. I just assumed, that my gut reaction was influenced by how Jessica had treated me years before. Instead of acting on my suspicions I had opened myself up for the first time in years and I was letting life happen. I was a willing, open, happy participant in this long distance relationship that would be a close distance relationship when she moved to Salt Lake City in June.

  In April of 2012 Michelle came to Utah with her mother and son for Easter.

  Easter came. I asked Michelle’s brother-in-law when I should show up at his house for dinner. “I don’t know, ask Michelle,” he said. Michelle didn’t give me an answer either. She just told me that she arrived. I packed Manny and a few bottles of wine into the car. We drove up to Cottonwood Heights and parked the car. Over a year before I had been at that house during our first and only “poker night." I had fully planned on holding the next poker night, but after seeing how my friend lived with his big house and family, I rescinded my invitation. I had always assumed that all of us were broke. I was the only one.

  I saw Michelle. I gave her a big hug. Something was different. It felt more like a friend hug than a boyfriend hug. I shrugged it off. The kids played while the adults drank wine. It was ridiculously boring and wonderful. I longed for boring and normal. I had arrived. The night ended and Michelle was supposed to spend the night with me. She and Charlie were supposed to spend the entire week at my house. It was her idea.

  We drove back to my house and went to sleep. Manny’s new best friend Charlie slept in the top bunk in Manny’s room. My dog Jojo slept in my bed between Michelle and myself.

  The next morning we all woke up and dressed for church. I put on my wedding suit and Manny put on the only dress clothes he had, which wasn’t much. Being properly dressed wasn’t too important though. I saw many people at the Catholic Mass hadn't dressed up for the occasion. Some did, but it was not abnormal to see people in jeans and polo shirts.

  Michelle seemed to reluctantly hold my hand. She whispered in my ear, “I’m afraid I’ll burst into flames here."

  We left the mass and went to a park to have lunch.

  “Hey,” Michelle said, seemingly uncomfortable with what she was going to say next, “I cannot stay over tonight. My sister is upset that I’m not spending time with her and wants me and Charlie to sleep over at their house." I had no issue with those sleeping arrangements. After all, she would be in town all week and she would only be away for one night.

  The kids had an Easter egg hunt and Michelle’s sister kept introducing me as “Michelle’s boyfriend” to everyone. Could this be my new family? I was oddly okay with the idea. I was okay with the boring regular exchanges. I was alright with the occasional Catholic church attendances. I welcomed it.

  The next day Michelle sent me a text message. I had not heard from her all day, which was abnormal for her. Her lack of communication was especially weird as she was in town. I expected for us to make plans to see each other every night. The text exchange went as follows.

  Michelle: Hi.. so I’m feeling overwhelmed by all this. I think i need to take things way back.. things are going too fast 1:44 PM

  Me: I had a feeling you were reluctant recently. 2:02 PM

  Me: what does "take things way back" mean to you? I'd like to know what you are thinking. 3:58 PM

  Michelle: I just want to be alone right now 6:43 PM

  Just like that, it was over. Michelle had driven ten hours to break up with me over text message. I can say I saw it coming. I knew something was wrong. I knew she was hesitant. Why didn’t I talk to her about it and try to prevent it? Why didn’t I try to communicate what I was observing? I had become too confident in the idea of she and I, and it was nothing more than fantasy.

  I was heartbroken. For the first time in years I had finally been able to open my heart to someone. I had finally been able to be in a healthy place and look towards a future.

  All I wanted to know was why. Why? Why had she done this. What was wrong with me? What did I do wrong?

  After a week of seeing new pictures of Michelle on her sister’s Facebook page, I sent Michelle a text message asking her those very questions. Why did this happen? By that time she had removed me from Facebook and blocked me. I had no idea what I did wrong. I had no idea why I deserved any of what I was receiving. Looking at her pictures at the Tracy Aviary all I could think was that I was supposed to be there. Manny was supposed to be there. When I sent the text message to her I assumed she was back in California. I was wrong. I didn’t get a reply for another day.

  Sorry I was driving yesterday. I'm sorry for the way things happened.. I just realized that the reality was not what I want. I'm sorry for hurting you

  I didn’t hear from her again. It felt like my entire world was crushed. Manny’s world was crushed too. Manny loved Charlie. Manny loved Michelle. Manny had bought into the idea of Michelle and I as much as I had. I should have been a better father and protected him from the potential let down, but it all seemed so real. It all seemed like it was going t
o happen. Over the course of a week the future we had planned was gone as though it never existed.

  I should have known better than to throw everything into one person. I should have known that her “I love yous” were too early. I should have known that she had just left a marriage, and as a result was emotionally incapable of what she was offering me. She wasn’t ready for anything. She wasn’t ready for me.

  I was oblivious to something that should have been obvious to me. All I knew was that I could throw my entire self, my entire being, into another person, and that they could accept it or not. She chose not to. This “all or nothing” approach might have scared her off, but I really doubt it. Her own issues scared her off. My friend, her brother-in-law, told me, “I quit trying to make sense of Michelle’s actions a long time ago.”

  She was different from Jessica, but honestly not by much. I started to ask myself why I could fall for someone so similar to Jessica. Looking back, she only told me what I wanted to hear and left out what she really felt. I was duped again. What was wrong with me that I could not see it for what it was?

  My heart hurt. I sat at my dining room table aching because the person I had trusted and wanted to be with had rejected me. Looking back though I didn’t put up much of a fight. I really wonder how much I truly wanted her. Perhaps I just wanted the idea of her.

  PART 6

  | FIFTY THREE |

  Late Apology

  April 2012

  The breakup affected me more than I thought it would, and I felt like I was spinning out of control. Michelle and I had had a future planned. I was going to have a family and I would be able to be the resident expert on Salt Lake City. My fantasy future was all gone in the blink of an eye.

  I should have realized that Michelle was right and our relationship was moving too fast. I also should have recognized that anyone who would break up with me in a text message was not the kind of person I wanted to spend my life with. Instead of holding my head high knowing I was the better person, I cried. I wallowed. I was angry and confused. I listened to love songs and I lamented about how much I hurt. What I really wanted were answers. I wanted to know what I did wrong so that I could fix it. Truthfully, I was also upset because my ability to find anyone to date was nonexistent. Michelle had shown up like a miracle and I was relieved. I had put all of my eggs in one basket with her and when the bottom of the basket fell out, I was left with a mess, one I hated to clean up.

  Suddenly nothing made much sense any more. Why was I still in Utah? What was keeping me there? For the few months before the breakup, the idea of Michelle and Charlie made living in Salt Lake City seem like such a good idea. With Michelle gone the only thing that kept me there was my house, which I was so upside down in that walking away seemed like a better option than staying behind on payments. We also had martial arts, but we would be able to find another martial arts class elsewhere if we left.

  Manny and I walked into martial arts one night and participated in the family class like normal. When the adult class came up I just looked at the instructor and told him, “I don’t have it in me to do this class tonight. I have too much on my mind." That is how it continued for a while. This image I had built for myself, of what my life would be, was suddenly shattered. Honestly the image I had built for myself had been a facade for a long time. All that was required to shatter it was heartbreak. Everything I had built up over the years finally showed itself to me for what it always was: just a dream I would never be able to realize at least not in Salt Lake City.

  How could this happen? How could someone do this to me? I kept reminding myself that I was a real catch, I was the prize and Michelle was losing out. Suddenly, like a wave of revelation, I realized I, too, had done this same thing to other people. I had led Courtney on and had inexplicably vanished from her life. I had strung Krystal along for almost a year and was indifferent when she left. I was emotionally incapable of having a relationship with many women since Jessica but I went through the motions anyway. It felt like Karma. Perhaps I had earned the heartbreak. Maybe life teaches you lessons iso you to learn how much you have hurt other people. Hopefully when that happens we learn and never repeat the same mistakes again.

  I started seeing Michelle in a different light. Nothing was wrong with me. It was all wrong with her. She wasn’t emotionally ready, and really what did I expect? She was still technically married to her ex-husband. She had just ended a relationship, and it was stupid of me to think she had the emotional capacity to be in another relationship so soon.

  It had been almost a year since I experienced my first and only meeting at Alcoholics Anonymous. The twelve steps to recovery included one I loved. It was step number nine.

  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

  For once I knew the pain I had caused other people. Finally I felt the same pain myself. I had to reach out to these women I hurt and apologize. I had to start with the most obvious one: Courtney. I had had time to think about my relationship with her over the two years since I had last seen her. Now that my head was clearer and I had some perspective, I knew that she was the one that “got away." Her criticisms of me were not criticisms of my character. She was the only one who had seen me for me and accepted me. She loved Manny. I loved her. She had at one point discussed moving to Salt Lake City and starting a family with me. I messed our relationship up badly by shutting her out. It was April 21 and I sent her a text message. I saw a picture of her on Facebook and was reminded of how beautiful she still was.

  Me: for what it's worth, and I know it isn't much, but I'm sorry for how things ended with us. You were right, I was wrong. I totally get what I must have put you through back then, and I'm sorry. Cute pic with your sister btw. 9:27 PM

  Courtney: No biggie 12:35 AM

  Me: it is. Just wanted to say it. You at least deserve an apology albeit overdue. 12:36 AM

  And that was it. She didn’t reply again. At least I apologized and let her know that I knew how she felt. I had acknowledged the pain I caused her. I didn’t blame her for not responding to me any further.

  I did this same thing for a number of other people I had dated over the years. They all responded kindly. One said the gesture was sweet but she had been happily in a relationship for the last three years. Another told me that she waited for me for a long time, knowing my potential. She was about to be engaged to her boyfriend. At last I wanted to reach out to Krystal. I wanted to apologize. I finally understood. I understood how much I hurt her by being unable to commit to her. She never replied.

  I wanted to live my life as authentically as possible. I wanted to acknowledge the pain I caused other people. I wanted never to repeat my mistakes again.

  When Manny found out that he would never see his best friend Charlie again he began crying. “I know honey, it hurts, but you didn’t do anything wrong. We’ll find a way for you to contact Charlie again." I knew the words I spoke were not true. The chances of us talking to Charlie again were small. I wanted Manny to have hope though. I wanted him to stop hurting too.

  I started living my life differently at that moment. I started seeing my life for what it had become. I was perpetually broke. I couldn’t keep my house clean. I had a job that I loved but would never pay the bills. I would never be able to save money. I wanted a woman in my life who wasn’t emotionally crippled by Mormonism. The only good things in my life were Manny and martial arts. I was starting to only have enough energy for Manny. My life plan shattering helped me realize I had overextended myself with martial arts, gardening, pets, work, side work, and Manny so much that I could really only pick one or two of them.

  My initial apology to Courtney opened the door for us to begin communicating again. I called her on the phone one night to share with her a ridiculous story I heard. I knew she would be the only person in the world who would find the story as hilarious as I did. Courtney and I had always had the same sense of humor. After laughing with
her for a bit, I decided to go for broke. I had to tell her more about my feelings. She had to know how I felt about her. She had to know I never stopped loving her.

  “Courtney, you were the one that got away. You told me that you felt sorry for me because you loved me and Manny and I just threw it all away. You were right. I wish there were a way for us to try again.”

  “Matt,” she replied. I had a feeling she was expecting this from me. “You made me feel like the only woman in the world when I was with you. Us won’t work though. We’ve both tried that too many times and it cannot happen again. Honestly, I wanted the family and everything with you, but if I were honest with myself I didn’t want to move to Salt Lake City. I wasn’t ready to be a stepmom. I don’t know if it would have happened anyway.”

  “You’ve always been so important to me and I never stopped caring about you."

  “We can meet up for lunch sometime and laugh about old times, but you and I will not happen again.”

  I was okay with “us” never happening again. I felt it important to express my feelings and see what would happen. I had earned her rejection. I had behaved so poorly with her that I knew the odds of her saying yes to me were a long shot.

  Courtney’s new job was as a director of her company. Part of her responsibilities included her traveling to retail stores on the west coast. Her company had just opened a store in Salt Lake City and she was scheduled to come out in June. We were going to have lunch and catch up. I would have taken any version of her in my life again. If I couldn’t have her as my girlfriend, I would be happy with her just being my friend. I felt great knowing I could start down the path of patching things up with her.

  Jessica had little to do with all of the revelations I was experiencing. She had little contact with Manny during that time period. She was back to her once a month phone call and promises of sending gifts to Manny which would never arrive.