I had made up my mind, formed a resolve, and was determined to stick to it. This was why I spent my whole Saturday avoiding her by going to Ben’s and hanging out at my house to check on the progress. She had already gone to bed Saturday night when I returned to the apartment and, by some miracle, I didn't wake up until after she left for work on Sunday.
My whole Sunday I spent trying to figure out what the hell was going on with my dog. He absolutely refused to leave the house. Ruins and I had been partners for a few years then, and in all that time I had never had an issue like this with him. By lunch time I even tried bribing him with a sandwich, completely unsuccessfully. I was minutes away from calling the vet when Lotus came home. Wouldn’t you know it? All of a sudden, Ruins was bursting with excitement, ready to go.
I saw what he did there, refusing to go for a walk unless she came, but didn’t he know we were avoiding her? So, we went for a walk and at first it was awkward, because I knew she was thinking the same thoughts as me and possibly trying to forget them all at once. Then, when we sat on the bench it was just . . . comfortable.
Comfortable until she asked about Ruins and my mind went into overdrive being flooded with memories, emotions . . . moments. Granted, by that point in our lives, the moments weren’t great ones. Alexa had already begun giving up on loving me, which is probably why I truly got Ruins to begin with. The feeling of being unwanted was so relatable, and if my love was no longer worthy enough for her, at least I had a place to direct it instead.
I didn’t tell her that during those five hours of sitting on the floor of the shelter, I spilled my whole guts to that dog. All the things I couldn’t tell Alexa because she was too far gone to notice the damage she was doing to me. Hell, to everyone that loved her, really. When I took him home, I swear he knew she had already begun to break my heart, chipping away a new little sliver every day, because he refused to accept her. He refused to love her, he refused to be a victim too.
As much as thinking about that day hurt, it made me smile, too. The fights, the destruction, the absolute lack of control she had over Ruins, it was all beautiful in its own way. Every time I think about it, an image pops into my mind. Her face was flushed with anger, her brown hair tied into a high pony tail, and for once she had absolutely no control and she despised it. It made her fierce and vocal, and before I knew it, I was taking her on the kitchen table, her hair coming loose and her yielding to me. It’s those images that were ingrained in me.
By the time I was done telling Ruins’ story, I was lost in the past and tangled in the future. I watched Lotus, her hair having a literal halo over it from the street light above, and all I could think about was what my soul would do to her beauty if I got too close. How much harder would it be to love her, knowing that love was something I was not worthy of possessing.
I whistled for Ruins and then we began to walk back. The whole way to the apartment, I watched her secretly, and I had to make a promise to myself. I couldn't let this crush go any further than the masquerade. She deserved better than me. She deserved to be happy. She deserved sunshine.
Chapter 9
LOTUS
Every day that week, Ruins had forced me to accompany them on their nightly walk. I’ll admit to acting annoyed at first, but after a few days, I truly looked forward to it. It probably didn’t help that watching a man with a dog was the equivalent of watching men with babies, and I swear I have felt my ovaries pinch on occasion.
But it was Beckett Fucking Cole, and even if I suddenly found the way he scratched at the scruff on his jaw while he was thinking endearing, or the fact that I might have been a little bit in love with the way he made me the perfect cup of coffee every morning, I couldn’t. Because even if he wasn’t my brother’s best friend and completely off limits, he lost the love of his life, and was in no way looking for someone to love. Looking for me.
I got up super early because I was a procrastinator. It wasn’t like I tried to be, but Beckett didn’t give me that much advance notice regarding the whole masquerade, and with work, today was really the only day to shop. Which was perfect timing since the ball was tomorrow night.
I walked into my kitchen just as the coffee finished brewing. Beckett was standing there, freshly showered in only his undershirt and his slacks, which he hadn’t even buttoned, his hair ruffled and wet, his jaw freshly shaved and sweet Jesus I needed help. And Coffee. And Help. No one could withstand a sight like that and not come out the other side unaltered.
“Morning, Blue Eyes.” He nodded in my direction when he saw I had stopped in the entry.
“Morning.” I managed to choke out through my haze.
I walked over to the cabinet above the coffee pot and reached for a mug, completely forgetting I was only wearing a long shirt until it was too late, positive I had just given Beckett a nice view of my black cotton boy shorts. He confirmed this thought with a choking sip of coffee. That view had to be the most unflattering, unsexy thing he had ever seen, because a guy that looked as good as he did, most certainly was used to silk and lace.
After adding some creamer, I took a sip of the coffee, letting the happiness of it spread through my body. The first sip of coffee always brought me pure joy. I turned, leaned my hip against the counter facing Beck, mocking his position. “So, Myra and I are going dress shopping today. Any particular length? I have never been to one of these so I’m not sure if I should go short or long.”
He closed one eye and made a thoughtful face. “How about medium length? Just to be on the safe side? Plus, you don’t want to give those old men more fuel than you have to.” I rolled my eyes, I couldn’t help it, and he instigated the automatic response. “By the way, you left your phone on the counter . . . dead. I charged it for you. Myra texted and said she is running a little late this morning. You need to keep your phone charged, what if there was an emergency?”
“God, Beckett, is it hard to sound so much like my mother or does it come naturally to you?” I asked as I reached into the drawer below the coffee pot, found my package of pills, and popped one out though the foil enclosure. Popping it into my mouth, I took a giant swig of coffee to wash it down.
“What was that?” Beckett’s voice rose a few octaves.
I took another sip of my coffee, enjoying the warmth as it ran down my throat, “My pill.”
His eyes bugged out of his head in an almost comical expression. “Your pill? As in THE PILL?” I shrugged my shoulders while continuing to enjoy my coffee, which seemed to only anger him more.
“Who the hell do you fuck regularly that would warrant you needing to take the damn pill, Lotus?”
I sat my cup in the sink, running water into it. “I don’t really think my sex life is up for discussion.”
He was tugging on his hair slightly, giving me a look like I was driving him insane. Honestly, the fact that he was so invested in the possibility of my sex life, which was actually pretty desolate, and the way his biceps were bunching as he linked his fingers together on the top of his head, was so fucking sexy that I made a mental note to work in a couple extra minutes in the shower.
“It’s Gus, isn’t it? That’s why you got all crazy protective over him when he is clearly a thug. You can do better than fucking him Lotus and you know it. Have some dignity.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. Gus was the sweetest guy on the planet. “I’m not fucking Gus, but what if I was? Are you jealous, Beckett? You can’t handle the thought of me in another man’s bed when clearly I could never be in yours?”
He stalked toward me in a slow, measured prowl until he had me trapped against the sink. Reaching behind me, he turned off the faucet that I had forgotten was still running, before bringing his nose to my neck and inhaling. I felt his tongue lash out and taste my collar bone before his lips trailed up toward my ears, leaving a damp trail, causing me to shiver and goose bumps to rise all over my flesh. I was putty. A melted mass of clay that he could conform to his will. The moment his lips met my ear and he bit down
lightly, my knees buckled and if it wasn’t for his solid hips pinning my own, I would have crumbled.
“Is that what you think? That I’m jealous? That I could never have you?” He whispered, his palm sneaking up my thigh and under my long t-shirt, resting on my bare skin just above my hip. I tried to answer but his teeth tugged on my ear again and all that came out was an incoherent sentence. “Because I have a feeling I could have you, Lotus. Even knowing it would ruin my friendship with your brother, I could take you right here and I don’t think you would stop me. I would ruin you for them all, you know that, right? They would be the ones jealous. But I won’t. Because I’m not fit to have you, Lotus; I’m not sure there is a single person in this world that is . . . but I do know, until you find him, it’s my job to protect you.”
He bent his head lower again and he sank his teeth into my neck. I felt the jolt travel through my body and settle in my core. “Now, I have work today and I don’t want to be late, but I also need to make myself clear before I leave. I am trying my fucking hardest to be a good man and not touch that fucking sassy mouth of yours. I promised myself that I wouldn’t touch you because you deserve so much fucking more than what I can offer. I am so fucking damaged that even though I want more than anything to take you right here, right now, I can’t. Because I have no more love to give and you deserve someone who can love you. That isn’t me. But . . . I am a man. And you can’t walk in front of me wearing a damn shirt and underwear that molds to your ass like latex and not expect a reaction. You are testing my entire restraint, baby, and I don’t know how much longer before it snaps.”
He gave a kiss to the spot he had just bitten and then pushed back from the counter, back from me, and stalked out of the kitchen. He grabbed a pile of stuff off the back of the couch and announced nonchalantly, like he didn’t just make me the wettest I’d ever been in my life, “I’ll finish getting ready at work, I have an early meeting today anyway.” He headed for the door before calling back, “Don’t forget, I like blue.”
The door slammed, shaking the pictures on the wall. After I was sure he was gone, I did the only thing a girl in my position could do. I walked to my bathroom on shaky legs and took the longest shower in recorded history.
“If Beck is paying for your dress, I don’t understand why you are being so picky. You could seriously buy any dress in this place.” Myra held up a black dress, modeling it in front of herself.
“I don’t want to take advantage of him, Myra. I’m lucky he is taking me and paying for my dress. You know how expensive dresses are, even at the cheapest of places.” We had been at it for hours and I couldn’t find a single dress that looked acceptable. A single dress except one that I knew Beck would love, which made it on the absolutely not list.
“Look, why don’t we go pick out some lingerie and then we can get back to dress shopping. I seriously don’t understand why you didn’t grab that gorgeous blue one from Marco’s and try it on. It would have been stellar.”
I groaned. “Because Beck wants me to wear blue, so obviously, I have to wear any color but blue.”
She snorted an actually obnoxious snort. “You guys are fighting this all too damn hard, you know that? You seriously just need to get down and dirty and give the rest of us some relief because the tension is stifling.”
Instantly, my first reaction was denying it. Yeah, I had been finding him more and more attractive as the days went by. I could contribute that to my lack of sex lately and cohabitation with someone of the male species. And sure, he pretty much admitted to me that morning that he wanted sex and sex only. Sex didn’t have to have anything to do with attraction, I mean . . . he couldn't love me. He already admitted that much, so he was probably just sex deprived like me and I was a warm body that was constantly around.
“It’s not like that, we aren’t fighting anything.” I told her as we entered L’Amour Lingerie. “Why are we here again? Didn’t you stock up last time we went shopping?”
“Oh honey, this isn’t for me, it’s for you. You can’t wear fancy dresses without fancy underwear. And, let me be the first one to call bullshit on you guys fighting your lust. You should have seen it last Friday night. Auggie got up and was going to carry you to bed and I swear Beckett nearly peed all over you to mark his territory. Auggie seriously backed up with his hands held in the air in non-threatening surrender.”
“He carried me to bed?”
She picked up a red silk set and held it up to me. “How did you think you got there? You are making a habit of it, you know.”
I pushed the silk set away. “A habit of what?”
“Beck carrying you to bed. He did it the night he first came and on movie night. I think he enjoys it honestly, and I’m not going to lie . . . I enjoy watching. The gym is kind to that man. If Tyler wasn’t there, I might have squeezed his biceps a little. Hey. . . what do you think of this?”
She held a cheetah print set up to her body. I scrunched my nose. “I don’t think it would look good on me, babe. I’m too pale.”
“Don’t be so self-absorbed. I meant on me. It would go prefect with my olive tone, don’t you think?”
I watched as she trotted to a nearby mirror and began modeling it in front of her while doing exaggerated facial expressions. I usually used her mirror modeling as my cue to slip away and do my own thing, which was what I was just about ready to do when I felt my phone buzz in my purse. Taking it out, I read the name and then quickly looked around to make sure Myra wasn’t watching. It would be hard to claim I wasn't attracted to him when a single text made me as giddy as a schoolgirl.
Beckett Fucking Cole: Find a dress?
Me: Nope.
Beckett Fucking Cole: Lotus! You’ve been shopping for hours. What have you been doing? Will you be home for movie night? It’s just Ben tonight, and he’s bringing Italian.
I looked around at my surroundings and figured what was the harm? He did ask what I had been doing after all. I snapped a quick picture of the lingerie store, attaching the picture to a text message.
Me: This. Myra dragged me in here and I lost her in the sea of leopard print and paisley. It’s like I’m a kid again, if I stand in one spot and don’t move. . . Myra will eventually find me. Yes, to movie night, tell him to bring tiramisu.
There was no response for a good five minutes and I thought maybe he took the picture wrong. Maybe he thought I was trying to flirt with him after this morning’s incident and he was trying to figure out a way to let me down easy. I was just getting ready to text him back, maybe come up with a random lie like I sent it to the wrong person, when my phone buzzed in my hand.
Beckett Fucking Cole: Are you buying anything? Blue Eyes? Lacey preferably but silk is okay too.
Me: I haven’t found anything I have to have. Don’t you think making requests is a little presumptuous?
His response was immediate, leading me to believe he had been waiting for my reply.
Beckett Fucking Cole: I’ll pay.
Me: Why pay for something you won’t see?
Beckett Fucking Cole: I’m a visionary.
Ha. That was clever, I’d give him that. Not to mention, the thought of him thinking of me in my underwear; that was sort of hot.
Me: Why, Mr. Cole, do you make it a habit of thinking of unsuspecting girls in their underwear?
I waited for him while I began looking around, unintentionally gravitating toward the blue lace. My phone buzzed again and when I looked at the message he had sent, I couldn’t help but laugh. He sent an eye rolling gif.
Beckett Fucking Cole: Don’t play coy. After our encounter at breakfast last Saturday, I’m pretty sure it’s obvious I think of you in your underwear. I’m not looking for action, Lotus, nor have I seen any in quite some time, but that doesn’t mean I’m dead.
It thrilled me to know he hadn’t been with someone in a while but it doused my mood at the reminder that he wasn’t looking for someone either. I knew that, he told me the exact thing that morning, but for some reaso
n, I wanted to be the one to change it. He was everything my list of deal breakers said I should avoid, but each day with him was becoming harder for me to remember why I made the list to begin with.
I never got a chance to reply, because the next thing I knew, Myra was standing in front of me with an armful of silk and lace and mini pearls and bows and she expected me to pick out which I wanted. I wasn’t really in the mood, so after showing me each set, I picked out a few and rejected the others. It just so happened that blue was the theme of the ones I purchased, not an intentional choice.
After a couple more hours, the bleakness of shopping and finding a dress was beginning to overcome me. I nearly resigned to my fate and gave up, when Myra suggested I go back to Marco’s and try on the blue one she insisted would look great. So we went and I grudgingly tried on the dress that was, quite possibly, every woman’s dream and I’m pretty sure I cried a little, because it was my dream too.
It felt perfect.
It fit perfect.
The dress was perfect.
Ordinarily, this would make me beyond happy but today, picking out a dress for an event with a guy who I could never have, made me anything but joyous. But I bought it anyway and I would be lying if I didn’t admit, that despite it being everything I didn’t want in a dress, I had never found a piece of clothing more breathtaking.
Chapter 10
BECKETT
I glanced at the clock, checking the time, waiting in anticipation for Lotus to finish getting ready for tonight. She had pretty much done a bathroom takeover so I used her room to get my tux on, all the while trying hard not to peek in the black bag with the pink L’Amour scrolled across the front.
Obscured Love Page 7