Lotus’ grip tightened and I felt her fingers digging into my skin. “I could never replace her. That’s a lovely mask. Was it custom made?”
At Lotus’ attempt to bring the attention positively toward her, Stephanie perked up and instantly started bragging about her custom-made mask and special ordered dress. It was a red and black combination and being that she interrupted my kiss, I imagined she probably requested the color scheme so when situations like this arose she could play a real-life devil.
As if my desperation was broadcasted on a jumbotron, Mr. French limped over and rescued us from the horrific droning of Stephanie talking about her tailor. I seriously made a metal note to send him a fruit basket or something because he was an absolute savior. Judging by the wink he tossed Lotus over his shoulder as they walked away, I believe he knew it.
We watched until they disappeared out of sight and then Lotus turned to me and said, “I believe you owe me a dance?”
So, I took her hand and led her to the dance floor, all the while reminding myself that this was just for tonight. Just one night of us before I returned to the reality of how the possibility of us could never happen. When we reached the dance floor and the band started playing a cover of Shawn Mendes “Ruin”, I swear I heard a faint rumble of God laughing at me from above. But this was our night and I wasn’t going to let my conscience destroy it. Instead, I might have pulled her closer than necessary, held her tighter than needed, basking in the cloud of rose scent that always surrounded her. And when she finally gave in and rested her head on my chest, and I began to sing the lyrics in her ear, I had to remind myself that this wasn’t real, we weren’t real, but for tonight I just wanted to pretend.
Chapter 11
LOTUS
It was so faint at first, I thought I was imagining it. Then I felt the rumbling in his chest under my cheek and there was no mistaking the fact that Beckett Cole, the Beckett Fucking Cole, was singing to me. I don’t want to use the word magical because magical makes me think of a fairy godmother and pumpkins and mice that turn into men. But despite my lack of a glass slipper, this night had been everything I ever dreamt of, more than I could have ever hoped, and it was all because of Beckett. Beckett had made this evening perfect, and as much as my internal battle raged on, I feared that in the end, my resistance would crumble and I would be losing this fight.
I was falling for Beckett Fucking Cole, and despite him warning me not to, despite or maybe because my list told me to stay clear of a man like him, I was being sucked into the forcefield that surrounded him. I feared one more kiss from him would place me permanently in his orbit.
“Hey, want to get out of here?” he whispered in my ear. I hoped he didn’t notice the shiver that racked my body. Then panic set in because I didn't really know what he was expecting after that kiss, but I couldn’t have sex with him. Well I could, Lord knows I would have in a heartbeat, but I knew he would regret it and I didn't want to be a regret.
He continued on like he hadn’t noticed my conflict, “I figured we could hang out somewhere else. In fact, I have a perfect idea if you’re up for it.”
My thumb rubbed along the nape of his neck as we danced, “Where to?”
“Do you trust me?”
“Always.”
“Good, then it’s a surprise.” He gave me a mischievous look and I truly hoped I hadn't just volunteered myself for a whole new level of chaos. Taking my hand, he pulled me through the horde of dresses, suits, and masks until we were safely breathing the air outside. When he began to walk backwards, toward the bike, with the devil dancing in his eyes and a smirk that surely spelled trouble, I only hoped he could deliver.
When he stopped his motorcycle in front of a 24/7 grocery store, I was a tad bit confused. Grocery shopping at nearly midnight seemed a little anomalous, but then again, this was Beck and I didn't even know what I should expect anymore. He got off the bike and then helped me off, holding on to me to make sure I didn’t stumble, before he reached up and took off my helmet, followed by his own.
“What?” he asked, the smirk from the party never fully leaving his lips.
“Why are we here?” I questioned as he took his jacket off and held it out for me to put my arms into. When his jacket was on me and my skin began to warm, he took my hand and rubbed it between his palms.
“To get snacks, of course.” He never let my hand go as he led me into the store.
It was deserted. With the exception of the cashier and the man/boy stacking shelves, there was not a single customer in sight. My hand still in his, he entwined our fingers as he walked, and then gave it a squeeze. “Why are you looking at me so suspiciously?”
“I’m not, I swear.” He gave me a hard stare. “Okay, maybe a little. I mean, snacks at this time? I guess I am more intrigued than suspicious, I would say.”
“You should be, I mean, you will never guess where we are going.” He was taunting me and I refused to take the bait. He cocked an eyebrow, waiting for me to respond, knowing I really wanted to start guessing, but I held strong in my restraint, not wanting to give him the satisfaction. Finally, he shrugged his shoulders, the same shoulders that his white dress shirt clung deliciously tight to and said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
Fuck me, I needed to stop thinking about him in any way but platonic, but it was painfully hard not to at times. Times like this, especially when he looked so good, radiating confidence and sex appeal. Staying away was the only wise choice, but damn if my track record didn't show that wise choices had never mixed well with me.
A fine example of my inability to make wise choices was that kiss I delivered to him less than an hour ago. Did I want to help him? Sure, I did. Just like he helped me get rid of Eugene, the star player in my date from hell. Was proving he was off limits to Stephanie the only reason I kissed him? Fuck no, absolutely not the only reason. I had wanted to kiss him ever since the moment I left the bathroom and saw him standing there in his tux and crooked bow tie. Using Stephanie and her flirty nature as an excuse to execute the kiss, well that was just a result of convenience.
Only one problem. I didn’t expect him to kiss me back. I didn’t expect him to grip my hips like a vice and pull my body flush against him, leaving his hard thigh to rub against my core. I most definitely did not anticipate feeling his solid length against my stomach, or his tongue dueling with my own. I hadn’t thought of any of it because it was supposed to be a quick kiss, enough to make Stephanie back down and show that he wasn't up for grabs.
Only it was anything but quick and I was scared that I might not survive when this whole tornado that was Beckett finally died down and drifted away from me. He was ruining me, and what was worse was that he didn't even notice. His games would be my downfall and I felt like I was powerless to stop any of it before it was too late.
“Earth to Blue Eyes?” I came out of my zone to Beckett waving his hand in front of my face.
“Sorry, I spaced out.” About you.
“Chocolate or vanilla?” he asked me, and I had no clue what we were even picking.
“For?”
“Cake.” He gave me this look like duh, I should know this, and I probably should have if I wasn’t too busy dreaming about his tight button up shirt or that kiss we shared.
“Chocolate. Most definitely chocolate.” He smiled at me and then grabbed the biggest piece of chocolate cake I had ever seen, five layers of chocolate cake with thick, fudgy goodness sandwiched between. It looked heavenly and I could only assume it tasted divine as well. Linking our fingers, he proceeded to go to the check out, where he grabbed two bottles of water and paid.
Out in the parking lot, he put his purchases in the saddle bag. “We could walk from here if we wanted to, but I figured in those shoes walking wasn’t really feasible.”
“Thanks.” I told him as he helped me on and we got situated. Once he started the motorcycle and began the journey, I realized he was right. We could have walked, because he parked his bike in the middle of the fie
ld only two blocks from the store, right in front of the town’s water tower.
He didn’t say a word as he got off the bike and grabbed the grocery bag with the cake and water bottles in it, then added two plastic forks from his saddle bag. He didn’t have to say a word, we’d been there numerous times before together, only this was the first time without my brother.
He walked toward the water tower, assuming I would follow, and I did. I followed so closely, I could feel the heat radiating off his body in comforting waves. As a kid, I would follow him anywhere, always trusting that he would keep me safe from harm. It hadn’t altered, being an adult. Anywhere he asked, I would follow, but somehow, I think things had changed, because although I knew he would never let anything or anyone physically hurt me, I no longer felt internally safe with Beckett. I also knew I wasn't strong enough to stay away. Not after tonight, not after that kiss.
Reaching the tower ladder, he slung the plastic grocery store bag over his shoulder before turning in my direction. “You go first. Want to leave the shoes down here? Climbing in those things would probably be near impossible.”
“You just want to look at my butt while hoping to glimpse up my skirt.” I joked with him, trying not to let on how awkward I was feeling.
He smirked, an honest to God, devastating smirk and I swear I swooned a little. “Well, yeah, that was most definitely on my hopes list, but I also promised when we were kids that I would never let you fall. What kind of gentleman would I be if I went back on that unbroken promise now? After so many years?”
“Fine, I’ll go first, but you better not look up my dress, Casanova.” I told him as I took off my shoes and left them in the grass, next to the rusty old ladder that was bolted to the side of the tower.
“I’ll make no promises, Blue Eyes, you know I was never a Boy Scout. I could never be a Boy Scout and then become an attorney . . . I would break all the honor codes they ever taught me.”
I made a completely unladylike sound as I gripped the rung of the ladder and began my ascent to the little maintenance ledge. I felt his body move under me; his long arms came up almost level with my own, his body caging me in protectively. We climbed like that, for all forty-two steps, until he was sure that I would successfully crawl onto the ledge without injuring myself, then he backed off a little.
I scooted over a few feet, before adjusting my feet to dangle over the edge. Beckett worked his way closer to me, until we sat side by side, thighs touching, feet dangling, shoulders rubbing and everything inside me enjoyed the contact a little too much. I wasn’t going to be the one to pull away, because I wasn’t afraid of this happening, I only feared when it ended, because despite my desire for that elusive happily ever after, I had no illusions where Beckett Cole was concerned. He didn't do commitment, he didn't want to want me, and at the end of the day, he could never give me love. Heartache, that was where this was all leading and I should have been afraid. I should have been terrified to participate, knowing that at any second he could crush me with a single sentence, a few words, and a passive dismissal.
“Do you remember the first time we took you up here?” He asked me as he stared up toward the sky, watching the stars. “You were probably about eight and your brother really didn’t want you to come. Hell, if I would have known you were going to tattle, I probably wouldn’t have brought you either. But I let you come anyway. The moment you got up close to this tower, you were scared. Your little head looked up at the tower like it was the biggest damn thing you ever saw.”
He sighed, I heard the plastic shift and he handed me bottled water and a fork before opening the cake and taking a fat chunk and shoving it into his mouth. He chewed slowly, before continuing, “Your fucking cute as hell blonde pigtail braids shifted from side to side as you shook your head, insisting that we couldn’t climb this tower. Ben was getting angry because I let you ruin our fun, but I didn’t care. Instead, I told you that no matter what, I wouldn’t let you fall. You held out your tiny, little pinky and made me pinky swear while your brother stood behind you, rolling his eyes so far back I thought we would never see his irises again.”
He chuckled to himself before taking another bite of cake and looking at me. “You climbed those steps like a pro, Blue Eyes. You didn’t need me to pinky swear, you had it yourself the whole time.” He twisted the cap off his water and took a long sip. “The moment we got back to your house, you were so proud, the first thing you did was tell your mom. Ben was grounded for a month.”
I smiled, remembering that day. It was true, I didn’t need his help climbing up, I just needed the reassurance that either he or Ben would protect me if I fell. I dug my fork into the cake and put a piece in my mouth, savoring the rich chocolate heaven. We both stared up at the stars for a while, enjoying the night, our cake, each other.
I broke the silence first. “You know, I was never mad at you for beating up my boyfriend. He ended up being a prick.”
“Yeah? Then what were you so mad at?” He asked, setting his fork down and looking directly at me.
“You never called, you never came back. You just announced that you were leaving and that was it, we no longer mattered to you anymore.”
He groaned. “You have to know it was never like that. You guys all mattered to me, but it was complicated. After my dad left and mom relocated with her job, everything was so hostile, I just . . . I didn’t want to blacken my good memories of all of you by letting my dark ones touch it. You all deserved better than that.”
“And what did you deserve?” He never answered, I didn’t expect him to, and we just sat there enjoying the night companionably.
Finally, when the comfort of the quiet began to feel stifling, I leaned my shoulder heavily against his and asked him to tell me about her. I didn’t need to tell him which her I was referring to, he knew what I wanted. He swallowed hard a few times, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he struggled.
“We met in college and from the moment I saw her . . . I was hers. Cliché I know, but it’s the truth. We were inseparable from that first night on and I guess, finally for once, I felt like I belonged somewhere again. I mean, at this point, I was no longer speaking to my family; I cut ties after they kicked me out onto the streets. But I wasn’t going to let my parents’ decision about my worthlessness define me, you know? I worked two jobs instead, took out some financial aid and put myself through college.”
His hand on his thigh twitched a little before it moved over just enough to link our pinkies together, obviously giving him some sort of comfort that he must have needed. “Anyway, we were at a friend’s party and I saw her from across the room and I swear I saw a halo over her head, another cliché, but I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She went home with me that night and never really left. A year later, I proposed and the rest of it was history.”
I squeezed his pinky with mine, anchoring him to me. “What do you miss most?” I knew I shouldn’t have asked it, but I was curious.
He was chewing on his lip and I swear, if he bit down any harder he was bound to draw blood. “If I’m being honest with you, Blue Eyes, we had some pretty rough patches in our relationship, but I was so in love with her, I would have done anything to have her, keep her. Having someone who was mine to love me, too. I was desperate for love and I guess, now, I learned my lesson. But what I miss most was our good times. I loved the way her brown hair splayed across the white pillow case, and the way her eyelashes fluttered in her sleep. She would never turn down a dare . . . which I both hated and loved. She always had cherry Chap Stick and a pony tail holder on her wrist. I miss staying in on rainy weekends and binge watching horror movies, which she hated and would spend half the time covering her eyes and peeking through her fingers, but she knew I loved it so she did it anyway. Her favorite food was Italian, she loved cookie dough ice cream, and sometimes after a long day of school or work, she would surprise me by making me fresh baked cookies, because cookies are my favorite.”
I probably should have just left it a
t that but my curiosity always won and I couldn’t stop myself from blurting out, “How did it happen?”
He didn’t have to ask me what I meant or what it was. He knew what I was talking about. The elephant in the room, what no one ever talked about, not even Bentley when I asked. I watched his profile as he looked directly at the moon, mulling over his thoughts. Just when I thought he wouldn’t answer, his whole body wracked with a sigh. “She had an unfavorable reaction to some medication.”
That was it. That was all he was going to say, no other details about it, nothing about what happened, only raising more questions than answers. I sensed the subject of Alexa was officially closed and it was no longer welcome to be reopened.
So we sat there in silence a while. My head on his shoulder, pinkies linked, watching the stars. Occasionally we spoke, or he would tell me a lame joke to make me laugh and break the silence, but mostly it was just us, under the stars, surrounded by nothing but the chill in the fall air and the occasional hoot of a distant owl.
“We should probably head home. I know you have to be freezing in that dress.”
I was.
“I’m fine.” I told him, as I subconsciously wrapped his jacket tighter around my body.
“Liar, you’re practically shivering. Let’s go, babe.” He tugged on one of my loose curls, before putting our garbage in the plastic bag and scooting toward the ladder. Grudgingly, I followed after him, waiting for his body to lower down some before I began my descent. He kept his body close to mine, protecting me from dropping if my hands or feet slipped, and I have to admit that I was thankful for it. Going down was much scarier than going up.
Obscured Love Page 9