“I don’t want to get kicked out of the store. That would be a very depressing end to my life as a single man. And we had been doing so well in the club last night. Not even talked to once.”
“That’s because we were with real chicks last night,” Levi said. He placed the film back into the section it came from and sighed. “I don’t know, man. I just don’t think I could do something like this. Even if I was the dude in these scenes, it’s just unreal.”
“Well, it’s a good thing you don’t have to ever make that choice,” Alex said. “So keep it down, you know?”
Nick didn’t know what to say. Soon Levi moved onto the gay section, pulling off a couple of DVDs and talking to Alex about them, and including Nick every so often. For someone who claimed to be gay only above the waist, Levi seemed to know what he was doing when he looked through the section. When Levi started to do even more voices, quieter this time, Nick skin crawled.
“You guys. Can we go? I kind of want to get these cupcakes back to my car and then see her.”
“Oh, yes. And then get some very highly prized straight sex,” Levi said with a laugh. He put back the DVD with a shrug. “We also gotta pick up our outfits too.”
“So when do we get to meet her? Sometime before the wedding?” Alex asked.
“Um . . . She and I were just trying to have a quiet getaway. As we dog sit for my parents.”
“Okay, okay,” Alex said. “The wedding is less than a month away, though. So I suppose, if you’re insistent on being a hermit, then we’ll have to be patient.”
“Yeah, Nick,” Levi said, touching his shoulder. “Don’t fuck it up in that time span. Women are sensitive, and you’ve never dealt with one before.”
“Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind,” Nick said. Not because he agreed with it, but because he desperately needed the conversation to end.
By the time they made it to their cars again, Michael was the only person who hadn’t made Nick’s faith crumble. They all said their good-byes over hugs and handshakes. Nick watched Alex’s car drive away from behind the wheel of his parents’ car. Even though he’d said nothing, and done nothing wrong, he still felt like the biggest fuckup in the world.
“You seem sad.”
“Hmm?” Nick was at the kitchen counter, preparing their dinner for the night. He still wasn’t that hungry after the large lunch he’d had with his friends, but keeping his hands busy with something was the only way he had gotten through the rest of the afternoon. “What do you mean?”
“You’ve been really quiet since you got back.” Katie still wore her white top with the long fabric, her cheeks slightly red from taking Felix out for a walk. Felix darted between their legs in the kitchen, whining for a treat. He only quieted when Katie finally gave him one from the dish at the side. “Are you okay? Do you need to talk about anything?”
Yeah, probably, Nick thought but didn’t say. He slid the pan of lasagne he’d been working on into the oven and sat with her at the kitchen island. She extended her hand, linking their fingers.
“I really like you.” His voice was shaky, but he spoke quickly to mask it. “I really, really do. You know that, right?”
“I like to think I know it. Always good to hear it again.”
“Good. Because I do. And I . . . I mentioned you to my friends earlier today. I would have liked for you to meet them.”
“But?”
“But . . . they’re rude. They’re gross. Not all the time, and really, it’s just my buddy Levi being a downer and dragging everyone to his level. He’s the oldest in our group at thirty-two, but he still acts like a four-year-old.” Nick ran his free hand over his face, suddenly frustrated. “But he’s my also friend. I can’t cut ties because they’ve been there for me. We’ve had good times. But I think my old world and my new world are combining, and it’s stressing me out. I can’t choose.”
Katie squeezed his hand, chuckling sympathetically. When Nick met her eyes with a concerned expression, Katie gestured to her body. “Nick. I think I can understand that difficulty more than most.”
“Right. Of course. I’m not trying to say this is worse than what you go through.”
“Of course not. I didn’t think that.”
Nick nodded, relieved to have her support, but it still felt as if his stomach were tangled with his heart. He wanted to tell her so many things, and his feelings for her ran much deeper than he could even fathom. But when it came to talking about her with the world, or talking to her about the world, Nick stumbled. And he stalled. But denying her existence like this made her upset, so Nick was caught in an unspeakable vortex yet again.
“Why don’t you tell me the story from the top?” Katie suggested. “No use fussing with the ending if you can’t get the beginning right.”
“Okay. The truth is: I want to take you to Alex’s wedding.”
“Really?” She smiled, surprised. “I figured you were going alone.”
“No, but I wanted to at first. When Alex got engaged, I was still with Barry. I told him I needed a plus one and he went and reserved it for me. When the invitations came a few months ago, I wasn’t with Barry anymore, but I still filled in plus one like an idiot. I didn’t want to face things, you know? Alex had such a long engagement and took so long to plan the wedding, I just wanted to answer something quickly. But Alex paid for a seat and I have to find someone to take so his money isn’t wasted. It’s more than just finding someone, though, because I could take Tucker and not have everyone question my sexuality. Or I could let Erin, his fiancée, invite her cousin.”
“But you want to take me?”
“Yes. I do. Because weddings are romantic and I don’t want to be romantic with Tucker. We have a platonic understanding. I want to be romantic with you. So, so much.”
Katie’s gaze dropped down to their hands, which she squeezed again. Nick noticed she had painted her nails from red to purple. He had seen the nail polish on the bedside table earlier when he was getting dressed, and it struck him now how much he loved having it there. How her small girly things—girly things he would have never tolerated six years ago—pleased him. Her tops were pretty, her perfume smelled nice, and her heels were dead sexy. Maybe he could appreciate the feminine side because she was also into skinny jeans and band T-shirts just like him. Maybe because she was into punk and her middle name was Sheena because of it. She liked to rock out as much as she loved the colour pink. She was just . . . so perfect. How could he not want to share her with everyone?
“So I want to be romantic. I want to have this grand sweeping gesture of taking you on this epic road trip to get to the wedding in Niagara Falls. You know it’s at a butterfly conservatory? They wanted a secular place since Erin’s family is a mixture of Jewish, Catholic, and Hindu. But can you even imagine how beautiful the conservatory will be?”
Katie nodded, smiling. “I do like butterflies.”
“Just not the metaphors.” Nick winked. “And I want to take you there. I want to get a hotel with you so we can spend the weekend there after the wedding. Go to the falls, the wax museum, and I don’t know what else they have there, but it’s terribly touristy and cliché and just . . . I want that. I want that with you. And I want to dance with you during one of the songs, and I want to have sex with you in the hotel that night.” Nick leaned closer to her, brushing his nose by her forehead as he kissed her temple. “I didn’t think I’d want any this, but I really, really do. You have to believe me.”
“Oh, I do.” Katie bit her lip. “And I want it too. I want to make a road playlist and then pull you over at a rest stop. Maybe make out in the backseat of the car like we’re teenagers and not in our thirties.”
“I’m twenty-nine,” Nick teased. “But yes, this is exactly what I want.”
They met in a chaste kiss before Nick sighed. “But I’m so, so broke. I owe Tucker money for shuffling funds around for the car, which he didn’t even complain about because he’s a saint. The first of the month is on Monday and our ren
t will be taken out, and even though I just got paid, it feels like nothing in comparison to all the debts I have. I haven’t checked my voice mail messages because I’m worried that one of them will be from Greg about the car. When I found out we were going on this trip, I basically flaked out on him. Again. My parents said they’d pay me for staying here and taking care of the dog, but I realized I wasn’t going to get that cash until they got back, which meant I still had only enough for bus tickets and groceries until then. So my car may actually be sold for spare parts by the time we get back, because I wasn’t going to have the money anyway. I feel like I’m never going to have the money. That was wishful thinking, especially when I failed to factor in wedding presents for Erin and Alex, along with the trip to Niagara. Ugh, Levi and Alex bought my lunch today because I’m so fucking broke. As much as I want to do all these things with you, it feels like romance costs so much. I wanted to get you a sex toy earlier today so you could use it on me, but I couldn’t even afford that. Everything just feels so pathetic and hopeless.”
Katie waited until Nick had tired himself out with his complaining, her grip on his hand never wavering. “You do know I have money too, right?”
“I know. Well, I figured. There’s the Grad House, but you’re taking a week off from there to come hang out with me, plus paying tuition for school, and your hormones and stuff. You have your own things to worry about.”
“And you can’t be one of my things to worry about?”
“No. It’s just that . . .”
“What? It doesn’t feel as romantic when you don’t cover everything? Come on, Nick. I’m all for romance, and yes, I may have wanted to be a woman for most of my life, but gender roles can still be really, really dumb. I don’t have to let you pay to feel like more of a woman. Right?”
“Right,” Nick said quietly. He knew this, he really did. “I just wanted . . .”
“You just wanted to be the hero and save me. I get it. If this is your first relationship with a woman, then what else do you know? This is what TV and all your romantic comedies tell you to do. But Nick. I like you a lot. If this trip is what you want to do, then hell yes, I will help out.”
“You will?”
“Obviously. That’s so easy. I have a surgery fund that I haven’t touched since I realized I didn’t want to get it done, so it’s been sitting and earning interest. Maybe for a car one day, or my own student loans when they come due, but you know. Still doesn’t stop us from having a small vacation too.”
“Oh wow. You are . . . utterly perfect.”
“Hopefully not just for my money.”
“No . . .” Nick bit his lip, holding back all the ways he wanted to praise and love her. He reached out and hugged her close instead.
“Well, that’s good,” Katie said as they pulled away. “I’m glad we got this sorted. But I have a feeling that’s not the whole reason why you’re upset. The money thing is a pretty consistent issue. So what made today different?”
Nick groaned and sunk into his seat. Couldn’t they just end the scene there? Grand romantic gestures, reconciliation, promise for a future trip, and then move on? But no—Katie was giving him that look he knew all too well.
“Don’t stare at me in that tone of voice.”
“Then tell me! It can’t be as bad as it is when it’s all in your head.”
“Sounds like you speak from experience.”
“Of course I do. And so do you.”
Nick threaded his fingers through hers for another couple of long moments. Then he told her everything. Every last thing Levi had said, every last worry, and even Levi’s impromptu trip to the porn store.
“See what I mean? He acts like he’s four. I want to take you places and introduce you. But I’m so afraid of other people. I’m so worried how they’ll see you and then what they’ll do. I just want you to be safe and happy and protected, but I also don’t want to give up my friends.”
“I do understand that. I assure you. But even in all these years, I haven’t quite found a solution to this situation.” She sighed, causing her bangs to bounce. “You can educate your friends about why some words hurt, about what being transgender means, and then you let the rest speak for itself.”
“The rest?”
“The relationship. People can handle talking to people—but identity categories make them fuck up. They think things are political and they go mute, or they think they need to take a side and become way too vocal. It’s always so much scarier in the abstract. But if they hang around you and me and get to know us, they may never fully understand, but they will still accept it. Most people don’t want conflict. And if they do try to start a fight? Well, fuck ’em.”
“I don’t want to cause a fight,” Nick said. “And I won’t put you in danger. If anything bad happened, we’d leave.”
“Good. That’s all I need to know for sure. The rest . . . will take time.”
Nick nodded. It all sounded too easy, too much like the back of a Hallmark card. People didn’t want conflict? The thought made him balk at first, then he thought about it more. Maybe that was true. Maybe. Either way, there was nothing he could do right now about it. The wedding was in less than a month, sure, but right now he and Katie were alone in a house with a dog that didn’t care what pronoun was used so long as he got his treats. As if on cue, Felix barked again and the two of them laughed.
“He probably smells dinner,” Katie said. “I’ll give him another treat.”
“We’re spoiling him. But I’m okay with it. I’ll get the lasagne.”
With dinner between them, and a dog at their feet, Nick knew that his life could only get better from here.
“You know,” he said after the dog was away in his crate for the night. “It’s almost midnight. I think we should have your birthday cake.”
“Oh?”
Nick was already pulling the four cupcakes with pastel purple and pink icing out from the fridge. He set each one in front of her like they were jewels, not baked goods. When Katie noticed and began fawning, Nick started to believe the cupcakes really were treasures.
“These are so cute! I love the icing so much.” Katie held her hair back as she examined the cupcakes closer, before turning to Nick. “And they’re ones I can eat? Really?”
“Yes! All egg-free. I ran out of time for baking, so I guess I’ll just make you a normal cake later.” Nick found a few candles underneath a cupboard in the kitchen and set two in each cupcake.
“You’re going to make me blow them out?”
“Hell yeah. I want you to wish for something. But not tell me, okay? It won’t come true otherwise.”
Katie nodded with a sly grin. Nick lit each candle carefully and watched as the flames danced in Katie’s eyes. After Nick hummed a small birthday tune, Katie took a deep breath and held her hair back as she blew them out.
“Good?” Katie asked.
“Great,” Nick said. “Now, let’s eat.”
Nick was glad he’d gotten four cupcakes. By the time they both ate one in relative peace, Katie had already gotten her fill. So when Nick dabbed frosting from his second cupcake against his finger and touched Katie’s lips, she was more than willing to play along.
“Nick!” she cried out, but a smile was evident in her eyes.
“What?” Nick leaned forward and licked the frosting off her lips, quickly transitioning the peck into a heated kiss. There were only a few seconds of sugary bliss until Nick felt the squish of the cupcake against his cheek. He laughed low as Katie tilted his head so she could lick the frosting clean. The frosting war between the last two cupcakes continued for several more minutes, each second as wonderful as the last.
“You’re getting me all dirty,” Katie said. “We’re going to have to get in the pool together or go upstairs for a shower.”
“I know. What do you think my plan was all along?”
“Clever boy.” Katie locked their lips again, cupcakes now discarded. Nick tasted the sweet sugar on her tongue
and smelled the vanilla from the cake. He reached across the counter and caressed from her wrist to her elbow, and ended on her collarbones. He slipped his fingers around the straps of her top, longing to strip it off her slowly and undress her in the moonlight from the upstairs bedroom. When his dick twitched in his pants, he knew he wanted to change things around a little too.
“Remember what you said last night?” Nick asked, whispering into Katie’s ear. “About riding me?”
“Oh yeah. You want me to tonight?”
“Um. Yes. But I was actually thinking . . .” Nick bit his lip and hoped she understood. She ran her fingers along his arms and elbow, and then pulled him in close.
“You want me to fuck you?”
“Uh-huh. Can you? Would you?”
“Depends,” Katie said coyly. “I can do it if you don’t mind me using a toy.”
“But I don’t—”
“I know you don’t have one, but let me tell you that being prepared means I bring a couple with me when I know I’m going on vacation.” Katie’s smile sent shockwaves of desire to Nick’s groin. “And I will definitely fuck you Nick, but it depends on how loud you’re going to be. I like it when you’re loud.”
“I’ll scream your name from the rooftop if you want.”
Katie laughed lowly in his ear. “Nah, no screaming. But I’d want to hear my name if I fuck you. I’d want to hear you tell me a bunch of stuff, really.”
Her breath hitched in her throat. She’d told him earlier she wanted to hear her name, to be called honey or baby or sexy, and to be reminded how much of a strong woman she was as she fucked him. Nick could give that to her; in fact, thinking of Katie as the dominant one could bring him to his knees. The whole scenario got Nick more turned on than he was probably willing to admit.
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