by Barb Hendee
Chapter Nine
For me, the journey back to the settlement felt like a window of stolen time. In spite of Jemma’s comment that something else should be considered for sleeping arrangements now that full winter had set in, Raven allowed no changes.
I spent each day sitting on the wagon bench beside him.
I spent each night joining my body with his under the warm blankets of our bed. We both knew what to do without speaking, bringing each other joy, pleasure, and a comfort that I’d never known existed. Sleeping in his arms was the most natural thing in the world.
One night, as we lay spent, I asked him, “Is it always like this between men and women? Do they all feel this joining as we do?”
At first, he didn’t answer. Then he said, “No. I’ve never felt anything like this.”
Somehow, this was the answer I’d expected.
Still, I knew Raven, and I knew his attentions did not last. As Jade had told me, right now, the sun rose and set about my head, but soon, it would rise and set around someone else’s. I could accept that. I simply wanted this to go on as long as possible.
When I thought of Jade, my guilt was heavy. I loved her.
But I loved him more.
Regarding the troupe, I doubt we fooled anyone, but our attempt to pretend that nothing was happening, that nothing had changed, proved welcome to everyone—with the possible exception of Jade.
For this journey back to the settlement, the others were glad enough to get through the cold days with the normal familiar rhythms of life on the road. We stopped once in Narbonnè to buy all of the supplies to bring as our offering to the settlement, but we didn’t stay long, and Raven seemed to keep us on the road as long as possible each day, as if he were in a hurry to get back.
Then, one afternoon, following days on end of travel, I was beside him on the bench when he pointed ahead.
“Look there, Kara. That’s the turn off. That path leads to the chute. We’re almost there.”
Instead of bringing me happiness at the thought of warm indoor fires and the chance to stay in one place for a while, his words made me anxious. Our journey was over, and I didn’t know what to expect next.
* * * *
When our wagons crested the top of the chute, someone called out.
“Here they come!”
Of course the watchmen on the walls would know of our return, as Raven had whistled the signal, but now, it seemed everyone in the settlement was running to meet us. People in our own group began jumping off wagons to greet friends and relatives amid excited chatter.
“We’ve brought so much food back, Mama,” Jemma said, hugging a middle-aged woman. “And some beautiful green wool for gowns and shirts. Wait until you see.”
As Raven and I climbed down from our bench, Caine, Logan, and their grandfather came walking toward us. Caine’s eyes were on me. I’d almost forgotten how tall he was…and the serious quality of his face. Jade had called him handsome. I supposed he was.
But Logan appeared tense and went straight to Raven.
“Did you make sure you weren’t followed?” he demanded.
Raven blinked, “Followed? No, we weren’t followed.” He looked to Caine. “What is this?”
Jade came over to join us, listening.
“It’s nothing,” Caine answered, but his voice caught, suggesting this topic distressed him. “We had some trouble not long after you left. Some soldiers from the king’s army followed one of our raiding parties home, and they found the chute. We let them get them get halfway up and killed them. The bodies are long buried. We’ve had no trouble since.”
But I shivered inside my cloak, remembering Royce’s words that he had men from the king’s army out searching for me. Men had died because of me…because of Royce.
“It was not nothing!” Logan nearly spat, turning on Caine. “We cannot risk outsiders finding this place. We have enough stolen property here from the raids to get us all hanged.”
Their grandfather held up his hand. “Raven and his people have just returned. They are most likely tired, cold, and hungry. Logan, you can see they were not followed. Let them eat and rest, and we will speak of these things tomorrow.”
This was the moment I had dreaded. No longer part of the traveling show, where did I fit in now?
But Jade reached a hand out to me. “Kara, if you still wish, you can stay with Sean and me. We would be glad to have you.”
Caine cast her a grateful look, as if he approved this suggestion, and I began reaching toward her hand. At least I had somewhere to live, and of anyone here, Jade was the only one who might understand my feelings.
“No,” Raven said, pushing my hand down. “Kara stays with me. She’ll live with me.”
Everyone went still, and color drained from Caine’s face.
“With you?” Caine said. “In your house? Raven, you don’t even let people visit when…” He trailed off, looking from Raven to Jade.
Turning abruptly, Jade walked away.
* * * *
Raven had a small, two-room house on the outskirts of the settlement. Once our horses had been settled, he took me there alone.
“I built it myself,” he said, “so I wouldn’t have to live with anyone.” He hesitated before opening the door. “It’s not much, but I’m only here a few months out of the year.”
“I don’t care.”
I didn’t. I cared only that he hadn’t sent me away, that he’d kept me with him. Inside, I found a dusty table, one chair, a set of cupboards, a wood stove, and a bed. There were spider webs in the corners, and an empty bird’s nest above the single window.
“I’ll get a fire going,” he said, moving toward the stove.
“You don’t let other people in here?” I asked.
“No. Not until now.”
Walking over, I looked down at the dust-covered bed. “We’ll need clean blankets before we can sleep.”
Leaving the stove, he walked to me and grasped my face with both his hands. “Marry me. Tonight. I want to wake up every day and see you for the rest of my life.”
I knew our actions would hurt other people. I knew we would hurt Jade.
The thought pained me.
I loved Jade.
But I loved him more.
“Will you?” he asked.
“Yes.”
* * * *
In the late afternoon, the women of the settlement began putting together a feast to recognize the return of our group. They put the lard, flour, and sugar we’d brought to good use, making sweet rolls and apple tarts. The common house was a vast one-room building built from logs. One wall boasted a great stone hearth, and another wall boasted a cooking stove. Tonight, everyone gathered at this common house after dusk, and the mood was one of celebration.
Cheers sounded when Raven had a large cask of wine rolled in.
I stood a good distance from the doorway, not knowing what to do or say. There were so many people. Logan and his wife Brida greeted everyone as they entered. Across the room, Caine stood apart from everyone else, like me. He spotted me watching him, and we made eye contact for a few seconds before I dropped my gaze. Jade was near the table laden with food, but there was no joy or celebration in her face.
Raven’s grandfather helped him to open the cask of wine.
As soon as they finished, Raven jumped up onto a bench.
“My friends!” he called, sounding again like the master of the stage. “I have an announcement that will help us celebrate far into the night.” He smiled at me. “I’ve asked Kara to hand-fast with me, and she has agreed. Grandfather has given his permission, and he will marry us before dinner.”
For a moment, most of the people appeared dumbfounded. Some looked to Jade and then to me.
“To Kara?” Brida asked, and for some reason I could not fathom, s
he seemed beyond pleased. Her goblet was still empty, but she raised it high. “We will drink a toast to you and Kara.”
Then a number of people began offering congratulations. Jemma, Tannen, Badger, and Marcel still appeared dumbfounded. Caine’s jaw was tight, and he remained silent. Jade’s eyes were bleak.
Raven’s grandfather came to me. His face was lined, and his hair was gray. I’d not spoken to him before, but he grasped my hand gently. “I am Tristan,” he said.
Somehow the name didn’t quite fit. From the stories I’d read, I’d always thought of Tristan as a young man’s name. But when I looked into his eyes, I saw a young man there, and I grasped his hand back. It felt like touching Raven, natural and easy.
“If you’ll come with me now, I’ll perform the hand-fast if you wish,” he said. “Is this what you wish?”
When he asked this question, the weight of what I was about to do hung over me. But I looked at Raven, who stood waiting.
“Yes. It is what I wish.”
* * * *
Near the mid of night, people were still eating and drinking.
I was married.
The ceremony itself had been brief. Our hands were tied together with a ribbon. This was followed by our promises to join for life, followed by Tristan blessing our union.
That was it.
But I didn’t care for lavish accoutrements or displays. I only cared that Raven and I were sworn to each other. For my part, after that, I had wanted the evening to end, so that we might go home to our two-room house and arrange some clean blankets.
And yet, the night had gone on and on. I smiled and nodded until my face hurt.
Then, at some point, I realized I’d not seen Raven in a while, that he was no longer inside the common house. Looking around, I saw that Jade was not here either. At first, I wondered if she’d taken Sean and gone home, but I spotted Sean with Ash and Lizbeth.
The backdoor to the common house was partially open, and I crossed the room to slip outside into the cold night, looking both ways. There was no one in view, but an anguished voice reached me.
“To announce it like that, in front of everyone! Could you have been more selfish and cruel?”
It was Jade.
Walking towards her voice, to the edge of the common house, I stopped. Though I could not see her, she must have been just around the corner.
“I’d never hurt you on purpose,” Raven answered.
“Hurt me?” she cried. “All you have ever done is hurt me! And I let you. All these years, Raven…I’ve let you in and out of my bed because we both knew we were meant to be together, and I was the one who’d ruined it when we were young by getting impatient and marrying someone else. I understand that we all make mistakes and pay prices.” She let out a sound like an animal in pain. “But this! For you to marry Kara? She doesn’t know any better. How could you do this to her? To us?”
“You don’t understand.”
“No! I don’t. Why would you do this?”
“For some peace! For some stillness in my soul.”
“Oh, stop talking nonsense.”
“Jade, if there was any way I could choose you, I would. But I can’t. I choose Kara. She is my choice.”
“You and your talk of choices. You cling to your preaching of choices like a religion, but in truth, it’s just an excuse for you to do what you please instead of doing what is right.”
Flinching, I drew away, not wanting to hear anymore.
Jade was in pain, and I had helped to hurt her. Moreover, in my heart, I knew she was not wrong about Raven and his talk of choices.
Quickly, I went back inside, and among the crowd, I saw Caine sitting alone at a small table near the far wall, drinking. I did not know him, and we weren’t friends, but there was no one else with whom I wished to sit while waiting for Raven. Crossing to him, I pointed to a chair.
“May I?”
His eyes were bloodshot, and he had a half-empty pitcher of wine on the table. He’d been drinking quite a bit. But he nodded.
I sat.
“Where’s Raven?” he asked.
“Out fighting with Jade.”
“Oh…that’s to be expected. He’s been fighting with Jade since they were six years old. It’s what they do.”
This only reminded me that these people all had a history in which I did not share.
The loneliness of this made me brave, thinking on how I’d come to be here in the first place. “Why did you take me from Royce?”
He lifted his goblet for another long drink. “Do you really want to know?” His words were slurred.
“Yes.”
Laughing once without humor, he said, “A prophecy.”
I shook my head, not understanding.
Sighing, he took another long drink. “I swore to myself I’d never tell anyone, certainly not you. But there’s no point now, is there?”
“No point to what?”
“To silence.” He looked into his empty goblet but didn’t pour any more wine. “My grandfather made it clear that I’ll need to be married if I want to succeed him as tórnya. He thinks family men, with something to lose, make better leaders. Perhaps he’s not wrong. But I…I don’t connect well with other people. I don’t want to be miserable or make someone else miserable.”
“Well, I think you’re wise not to marry until you find the right person.”
He looked up from the goblet. “Do you? I took a journey north, to visit a seer. She’s a true seer, not someone like Ash. Her prophecies have come to pass. When I asked her who I should marry, she told me to wait for the day I saw a girl the color of a white winter morning, that I would know her when I saw her, and only with her could I make a success out of a marriage.”
“Oh, Caine.”
“I came home, and I waited. Then on that raid, I saw you.”
“But there’s no way to know this prophesy meant me.”
He poured another goblet. “Isn’t there? Well, there’s no way to know anymore.”
I had no idea what to say, and Raven came through the back door looking shaken. I wanted this conversation to end.
Standing, I said to Caine. “I do hope you find her.” Then I hurried across the room to Raven. “Might we go home now?”
He nodded. “Yes. Let’s go home.”
* * * *
The days began to pass.
I cleaned every inch of our house and spent several weeks turning it into a comfortable temporary home. Though the weather was cold, the people of the settlement were not idle, and there was much work to be done. The men cared for livestock and repaired dwellings or other structures. They hunted in the forest. They chopped and stacked firewood.
The women minded children, prepared food, and sewed clothing from the material our group had brought back.
Though families sometimes ate meals at home, the women did a good deal of communal cooking at the common house, and we often ate meals together. At first, relations with other members of our traveling group were strained, but the connections between myself, Jemma, Tannen, Badger, Lizbeth, Ash, Marcel, and the others had grown deep while performing out on the road, and soon, they accepted Raven’s choice. Jade was subdued but kind to me. She seemed to blame Raven entirely for what had happened. While I found this somewhat unfair, we never spoke of such things.
I do think people watched us to see what would happen when Raven began to tire of me.
He did not.
For myself, I spent my nights under the blankets with him, both warm and in love. If anything, we found only more joy and wonder in each other as the winter passed. Joining my body with Raven’s, knowing how to touch him, how to kiss him, came as easy as breathing.
Only one thing troubled me; I missed the road.
I was not unhappy here, but I longed to be living again with h
im in the wagon, putting on the show, shopping for dinner in the markets, and moving from place to place. He must have sensed this in me, and one night he whispered, “We’re just here until spring. We’ll leave again once it thaws and the trees bud.”
The women of the settlement were polite to me, and I became fond of Jemma’s mother, Doris. She was always friendly. As we cooked or sewed together, I listened and learned about some of the issues here. There had been some talk of stopping the autumn raids. Logan had been pushing for this, and his grandfather, Tristan, was showing signs of agreement. Apparently, the raids were more of a tradition left over from the days of Tristan’s father, when all of the people were travelers, and each autumn, the men would conduct raids for goods and supplies to see everyone through the winter. Now…it seemed the risks these raids brought outweighed their possible value.
While I helped the women in their work, Logan’s wife, Brida, was also friendly to me. She was not a pretty woman, with a square build and a square face, and she liked to tell other women what to do. I never minded this. But one morning, when I was in the common house helping with the baking, Brida came striding over to Jemma, who was kneading a loaf of bread.
“Mind what you’re doing girl!” Brida admonished her. “You’ve far too much flour in that dough. It’s wasteful and that loaf will be tough.”
As she walked away, Jemma scowled and said, “Dried up trout. She thinks she already rules here.”
“She is always kind to me.”
Jemma snorted. “Of course she is. She’s thrilled with you. When Caine first brought you home, she was terrified he’d marry you. Now, you’re safely sworn to Raven.”
Remembering Caine’s story on the night of my wedding, I stopped talking. I didn’t wish to speak or think of such things. What I wanted was to leave this place and go back on the road.
For entertainment after dark, people often gathered in the common hall to drink ale or play at cards or games of dice. Some nights, Bonham and Marcel played their violins, and people would dance.
One evening, after we’d been back about a month, Tristan asked if our group would put on the same show we did on the road. He felt that some lively entertainment would be good for everyone’s spirits.