by Lee, Liz
Trying to take Meg’s advice she put herself in Sam’s shoes. And yeah. No. He shouldn’t have made the call to the school. It undermined her authority and created conflict for her and Cadyn.
Gird your loins girl. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and there he was, sitting at the table like he belonged there, looking way too comfy in the red plaid flannel shirt she’d bought him for his birthday before he left. It was too big on him now but just barely. When he’d first come home, the shirt would have swamped him. She wasn’t going to think about that, though. She was going to focus on the present. On the fact that he was sitting in her kitchen.
“You really shouldn’t let yourself in the house, Sam. You don’t live here.” She lever the anymore off the end of the sentence, but they both heard it loud and clear.
Her hands shook as she closed the door. She needed to get herself under control.
Logic would work. Conflict would only create more issues.
“Patty, look,” he started, raising his hands as if he were ready to explain away his actions.”
And something in Patty snapped. Screw logic. She was done being nice.
“No, Sam, you look. Cadyn had informed me of the situation. She understood there would be consequences and she was willing to serve them, whatever they were. And now, you’ve wiped those consequences away, given her a blank slate because you think what she did was the ‘right thing.’ Well, guess what, Sam? Even doing the right thing has negative consequences sometimes. She skipped school. Whatever the reason, she left the campus without permission, with a driver who probably wasn’t even licensed to have another teenager in the car yet. She’s going to be punished for skipping. Only now, I’m the bad guy and you’re the great, understanding father who skips out of our lives on a regular basis to ‘do the right thing.’”
“That’s not fair, Patty.”
Not fair? Patty narrowed her eyes and marched across the room to stand over him. “I’ll tell you just like I tell the kids. Fair is a four-letter F-word, Sam. But you want to use it? Fine. There’s another four-letter F-word. Let’s talk about fair. Let’s talk about how you told me your days in the field were over. How you said you wanted to spend all your time at home. How you wanted date nights, and PTA programs and dinners with friends. Sam, I was so happy. You made me need you. You made Cadyn need you. And then you left again. Like you couldn’t wait to ditch that life. Like we weren’t enough for you. And then….” It all came rushing back, the horror of the knock on the door, the fear.
“And then…Jesus, Sam. You were over there ‘doing the right freaking thing,’ and you got kidnapped and tortured and nearly died. What kind of fair would that have been to our daughter? Yeah, I’m not interested in fair.”
God she was hot when she was pissed. Sam knew he couldn’t say those words. Couldn’t even let her know what he was thinking. And the hell of it was, he understood her fury.
He looked down at his hands then up into her eyes. “You’re right.”
She narrowed her eyes at him and crossed her arms, looking far too defensive.
“Damn straight I’m right.”
He stood then and walked to her side telling himself he would not touch her. “Cadyn needs consequences for ditching school without permission.”
“She. Will. Never. Have. Permission. To. Ditch. School.” Patty nodded her head with each word then looked at him like he was a moron.
And yeah. He was. “Right. Got that. I’ll make sure to add it to my list.” Okay, dumb ass. Sarcasm was not a good idea.
Her response proved that. “While you’re at it, add this….” And then she stopped. And she looked at the floor between them and it was like they had this canyon separating them and nothing was going to fix that.
Patty took a shuddering breath then continued. “You need to leave. I can’t do this.”
And dammit, he wasn’t leaving. “We don’t have a choice, Patty. We’ve got to do this because regardless of your hurt feelings and my asinine actions, we’ve got a child to raise. Together even if we’re apart. And we’re going to make a million mistakes as we try to figure this whole parenting a teenager thing out. I made a mistake. I’m sorry.”
And then he stepped closer to her, trying to bridge the gap between them even though he thought sometimes that was never going to happen. “And I’m sorry for hurting you,” he said. “I can’t take that back. Can’t make it better. Can’t pretend it didn’t happen. Just…Jesus, Patty, you have no idea….”
He stopped because how could he possibly explain?
Patty’s eyes were big saucers of pain and confusion as she met his gaze. “Have no idea what, Sam?”
He had to say the words. Even though saying them out loud would strip his heart. He reached his now sweaty hands out and wrapped them around her arms. His fingertips tingled at the contact. “You have no idea what it’s like to know you’re not good enough. To know your wife is a million times the person you are. To work your ass off to be worthy and see it doesn’t matter what you do, you’re still not quite there.”
Saying the words did nothing to make him feel better. The whole weight of the world off his shoulders thing didn’t happen. If anything it was worse. Sam dropped his hands and stepped away, the gulf bigger than ever. “Look, I know that’s my personal drama, my issue. And I’m not saying it right. I don’t blame you for my inadequacies. Just…I need you to know I never wanted to hurt you. I will love you until I die. And yeah, I’m sorry.”
Patty blinked. Her heart felt like it was going to explode. What. In. The. Hell?!?!
“Not good enough? Sam, my God, you’re the best man I know.”
“Patty, without you, I am a shell of the man you know.”
God, what? She closed her eyes. She wanted to step into him. To wrap him in her arms and tell him this was all so stupid. But she couldn’t. The risk, God….
She reached out and touched his arm and felt the shock of it clear to her toes. “Sam….”
He put a finger over her lips. “Don’t say it,” he said.
Patty didn’t know what she was going to say. She just knew she needed…she looked up into his eyes, sent the silent plea. And he answered even though they hadn’t solved anything.
His lips crushed against hers. And this. This was what she needed. He slicked his tongue across her teeth and she groaned. His hands reached inside her suit jacket and wrapped around her back and she wrapped her hands around his neck.
All of Patty’s nerve endings danced. It was like they were saying yes, yes, yes. We’re home, we’re home, we’re home. And God she wished so much that this could be. But she couldn’t. They couldn’t.
Sam broke the kiss first, rested his forehead against hers and she ran her hands over his stubbled cheeks. He was leaner now, but her palms knew him. Knew this.
He turned his face into her hand, kissed her palm and her heart filled with bubbles of pleasure and pain.
A key turned in the front door and they stepped away from each other. Before Cadyn came inside, though, Sam said the one thing she needed to hear over all else.
“We’re together here. I support you one hundred percent. You’re not the bad guy.”
And then Cadyn was inside, her face streaked from crying, her eyes red rimmed.
She paused when she saw them together in the dining room.
“Mom?” The word was confused. Patty understood. There was no telling what they looked like.
A united front. Thank God.
“Cadyn, you need to sit.” She pointed to the couch and Cadyn rolled her eyes but did as she was told.
“I already explained…”
Patty held up her hand, and Cadyn’s voice trailed off. She and Sam sat in the chairs across from Cadyn and once she felt ready for the battle, she started.
“You left school without permission.”
“Greater good, Mom. I needed….”
“To tell me first.”
Cadyn turned to Sam. “Dad, you explain it to her.�
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Sam leaned forward, his face tense. “There’s nothing to explain, Cadyn. You broke the school rules, terrified your mother and put her in a difficult place at work.”
Cadyn huffed and crossed her arms plopping against the back of the couch, and Sam reached over and touched Patty’s knee, and Patty felt the zing straight to her insides.
“You have five minutes to come up with a punishment,” Patty said. “And I’ll take your phone.” She held out her hand and Cadyn huffed again, but she handed the phone over.
The little smile on her face as she did so worried Patty. No telling what her daughter was plotting.
It didn’t take long to figure out. “I’ll do the community service hours for truancy at school,” Cadyn said sighing. “And I’ll work the next month of Saturdays at the shelter.”
That was creative.
Patty looked at Sam in question and he nodded. And his hand was still on her knee so, yeah, everything was a little rosy.
“We’re good with that,” she said.
“Fine,” Cadyn said with a long suffering sigh before holding out her hand. “Can I have my phone back?”
The punishment Cadyn had come up with was more than enough. So Patty handed the phone over.
Sam reached out and touched Cadyn’s wrist and it was the strangest thing. Patty couldn’t remember the last time they all touched. But it felt right. It felt like family.
“Cadyn, you’ve got to understand,” Sam said. “We love you very much.”
Cadyn’s hand stilled and she nodded. “I know. And I love you two, too.”
They all dropped their hands at the same time and Patty said, “Do you want to talk about it?”
Cadyn shook her head. “Maybe later.”
And then Sam stood and said, “I better get going.”
And Cadyn walked him to the door and when the door closed Patty wondered what had just happened.
“Are you and Daddy going to get back together?” Cadyn asked wistfully and Patty shook her head.
“We’re your parents, Cadyn. We love you. That’s all.” But inside her brain finished the sentence a different way. That’s all for now.
Chapter 11
Sam turned into the library parking lot and checked his phone again. Ida Mae’s text had been very clear. 9 a.m.
The stairs were still killer, but he still took them. That commercial about a body in motion was true. He knew that. It was easy to take the stairs this time. His heart was singing. He’d kissed Patty and she hadn’t pushed him away. He and Patty had parented together for the first time since he’d started down the path to winning her back.
He pushed through the library doors and walked inside. An aid pointed him toward the computer lab when he asked for Ida Mae.
When Ida Mae saw him, she broke into a wide smile. She was wearing a bright blue and black striped dress and black high heels so she was taller than him. Her hair was up in an elaborate braided bun that made her seem even more statuesque. Somehow he didn’t think anyone ever questioned Ida Mae’s authority.
“You look good, Sam,” she said as she continued logging on to rows of computers.
Yeah. He’d noticed that when he looked in the mirror this morning. The lightness in his soul seemed to shine through. Damn, he loved Patty. And he was going to win her back. That was obvious now.
“Thanks,” he said. “You look great, too.”
She waved away his words. “Flattery not needed. I’m assuming that big smile on your face has something to do with my good friend.”
“Everything,” he said. And then he stepped further into the lab. “Can I help you with anything?”
“Sure.” Ida Mae gave him the login information. While he turned on computers and checked to make sure they could open Word, Excel and PowerPoint, he checked out the room.
A desk at the front served as a lecture area. A giant screen filled one wall. Adult literacy and GED books were stored in a cabinet toward the back. A poster beside the cabinet was lined and filled with names and check marks. Certificates of completion were framed and hung near the poster along with a list of names of people attending the local community college and trade school. It looked like Ida Mae was working miracles on a daily basis in the local library.
“I have an idea I want to run by you, Sam,” Ida Mae said turning on the last of the computers then using a remote control to check the ceiling mounted projector.
He sat in one of the computer chairs and waited for her to continue.
“My brother is the principal at a school in the city. He’s looking for someone to step in and teach journalism.”
Teach. Him? His brain stuttered at the thought. Ida Mae kept talking even though he was sure his slack face made it clear the thought had never crossed his mind.
“It’s not what you’re used to, I know. But I told my brother about you, and if you’re interested, he’d like to talk to you. Your experience in the field could make you a top candidate for the job. You understand career readiness and college readiness. According to my brother, that’s the kind of teacher he’s looking for.”
Sam sighed and ran his hand through his hair. The classroom was Patty’s domain. He didn’t even know if he liked teenagers other than Cadyn. “I don’t know, Ida Mae. I’ve never even thought about teaching.”
She shrugged and entered keystrokes into her iPad opening a presentation on the screened wall. “It’s definitely not something you have to do, but if you’re interested at all, I have the application bookmarked on the computer you just happen to be sitting at.”
Of course she did.
Sam opened the web browser and clicked on the bookmark.
The job was for a writing lab instructor who would also be responsible for the school yearbook and newspaper staffs. The pay was pitiful. The benefits less than stellar. The downtown school completely different from the suburban one Patty worked in these days. Closer to where they’d lived when they were young and broke and both wanted to change the world.
“I bookmarked my brother’s blog, too. You might go check that out. See who you’d be working for.” Ida Mae said the words like they were an afterthought. Sam knew better. In fact, he’d bet Ida Mae never did anything as an afterthought.
Still, he clicked the bookmark and started reading. And as he read, his chest grew tight. Someone else who wanted to change the world and was doing so. On a daily basis.
“High school might not be easy, but you handled terrorists. I bet you would find the job a challenge, but I think you would be a good fit. If you want. I know my brother will give you an interview. He owes me. Plus he trusts me. The choice is yours, though. You decide no, it’s perfectly fine for you to log off that computer and walk away. No skin off either of our backs. If you’re interested, my brother said you would probably qualify for an emergency teacher certification, so don’t worry about that. I need to get a few things from my office. Let me know what you decide before you leave.”
With that she left him alone in the lab. Sam stared at the application. He wasn’t qualified. But they needed someone. And he needed a job. This could be the answer.
He didn’t give himself time to think, just typed in his information. Ida Mae walked in when he hit submit. She didn’t ask him what he’d decided.
“I’m happy things are working out for you and Patty, Sam.”
So much had changed since he was last in the library. But not enough.
“Thanks, Ida Mae.”
“Don’t worry too much if she backs away for a bit. She guards her heart. It will take time for her to let you in fully.”
He knew that. It worried him in some ways. But he loved Patty and he knew she loved him, too. He had faith. She would remember and then they’d be back together and everything would work out. He would win.
“By the way, your interview is scheduled for tomorrow,” Ida Mae said grinning. “It won’t hurt to go. You don’t have to take the job if they offer it.”
Tomorrow.
She
’d known all along he was going to fill out the application. She was right. He could go check it out and decide after.
“Ida Mae, how’d you know I was going to sit here?” Sam asked pointing at the computer with the submit screen still showing.
She brushed his question away with a wave of her hand and a scoff.
“Sam, I bookmarked those pages on every computer in here. Did it weeks ago after you left. Figured if the job were still available when you stopped back by and it looked like you were sticking around, I’d tell you about it. Glad you’re sticking. Persistence is painful sometimes, but it sure pays off in the end.”
He laughed and shook his head. Ida Mae was the most insightful person he knew.
When he looked down he saw Cadyn’s number flashing on his phone and answered without thinking, his brain still trying to wrap itself around the idea that he had an interview to potentially work as a teacher.
At the alarm in Cadyn’s voice, everything changed.
He stood and hugged Ida Mae, shocking them both. “Gotta run,” he said.
Patty needed him.
At four that morning Patty had sat staring at the stupid clock on her phone and known she wasn’t going to work. No way could she function.
At eight Becky called to make sure she was okay. Patty never missed school. At nine Meg called to see if she needed to come over. Patty said no, turned off her phone and covered her head with the pillow. But it didn’t help.
She was hot and sweaty and she wanted lots and lots of chocolate. Or chocolate and peanut butter. Or Cherries Garcia. Lots and lots of Cherries Garcia.
She was too tired to sleep and her brain would not shut down.
Sam thought he wasn’t good enough? They’d been married for twenty years and she’d never even imagined. How was that even possible and what was wrong with her that she didn’t know? She’d spent so much time angry with him for leaving. Had she been absent in a way as well? Emotionally absent.
Ugh. Maybe she should call Ida Mae.