He kissed Tommy on the cheek and paused to read his pensive eyes. They said so much. Why couldn’t his mouth do the same?
Angel listened with a sympathetic ear, as Kenny lamented about his ex-boyfriend. They talked for hours, late into the night. Kenny was a sweet, sensitive guy, and he was devastated by the breakup. He deserved someone who loved him. He was so sad, and Angel’s heart went out to him.
Angel put his arm around Kenny’s shoulder to comfort him. Kenny looked back at him with those intense green eyes. They were mesmerizing. Captivating. Once they had you under their spell, it was impossible to look away. Kenny slowly leaned closer and their lips met in a gentle kiss. It wasn’t the usual rough, forceful kiss Angel was accustomed to. It was tender and slow and it begged for love.
Tommy face popped into Angel’s head and his eyes flipped wide open. He stopped kissing Kenny and sat back on the couch. “I’m sorry. I …. I can’t do this. I wish I could, but I can’t.”
“Your guitar player?”
Angel nodded.
“I knew there was something going on between you two.”
“Yeah.” Angel sighed and looked off into the distance. “I just wish I knew what it was.”
“Why, because he’s married?”
“I think that’s part of it, but I’m afraid to scare him off by forcing the issue or making a move.”
“You really care about this guy, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I do. I’m falling in love with him. That’s why I don’t want to fuck it up. I’m sorry, Kenny. I didn’t mean to . . . I should go.”
“No. Please don’t go. I just need a warm body next to me. I feel so alone. I just want someone to hold me. Please, Angel. I won’t . . . we don’t have to. . .”
“OK. It’s OK, Kenny. I’ll stay with you.”
“Thank you. I really need someone right now.”
They snuggled together on the couch for a long time without saying anything.
“About your guitar player,” Kenny broke the long silence, “I hope you don’t think he’s gonna leave his wife for you, because—”
“No, I know he’s not leaving his wife. They really love each other. I don’t want to break up their marriage. I would never do anything to hurt Jessi. She’s like . . . my best friend.” Angel never realized how close he and Jessi had become. He talked to her about everything, except Tommy. Maybe that’s where he should start. She was the most brutally honest person he knew, and she never had any reservations about saying what was on her mind. But how was he supposed to ask Jessi if he could sleep with her husband? It was absurd.
“What’s her take on this thing?” Kenny asked. “Does she know what’s going on?”
“Oh, yeah. Everyone knows. There’s no filter between me and Tommy. You saw us on stage. It doesn’t stop there. Jessi doesn’t seem bothered by it all. Quite the opposite, actually. I think she gets off on it.”
“How is it supposed to work, then, with his wife?”
“I really don’t know.”
“Maybe he’s just looking for a fling, but,” Kenny shook his head, “I don’t think so. You don’t get all pissy when someone hugs an ex-boyfriend, if it’s just a fling.”
“It’s definitely more than that. He said he cares about me, but that’s all I can get out of him. He shuts down if I pursue it, and I’m afraid to push him.”
“What are you gonna do?”
“I don’t know.” Angel shrugged. “I really have no fuckin’ clue.”
Kenny grunted and sort of laughed. “Look at us. Two lovesick fools, pining away for someone we can’t have. We’re fuckin’ pathetic.”
Angel always believed that he and Tommy would be together. He had no idea how Jessi was supposed to be involved, but it didn’t matter, as long as he was with Tommy. Now, after verbalizing the situation out loud, it sounded ludicrous. He should just forget about Tommy and move on. But he couldn’t. There was no way he could be happy without that sweet prince. He let out a loud, exasperated sigh and put his head on Kenny’s shoulder. “I guess both of our broken hearts could use a little comforting tonight.”
The next morning Jessi came by Angel’s apartment with a length of red fabric. She draped it over the dining room table and explained that it could become the signature color of Immortal Angel. She was trying to get Angel’s input on the new shirts that she was designing, but he was barely paying attention. His mind kept drifting back to Tommy. He kept thinking about Tommy’s reaction to Kenny last night, and what it meant. He kept replaying, and reliving, the hug between him and Tommy. It was the first time real intimacy they shared.
Angel stopped listening to Jessi altogether and sat down at the table. He needed to talk to her about Tommy. Right here. Right now.
When she realized he was no longer standing next to her, she stopped cutting the fabric and stared at him. Neither one of them said anything, but the look on her face told him that she knew they were about to have a serious conversation.
“Sit down.” He tapped his hand on the seat next to him. “Let’s talk.”
Jessi sat on the edge of the chair with unease and concern.
“It’s about Tommy.”
Her face was blank, but her eyes were growing wider with each second that passed.
Angel knew it wasn’t going to be an easy conversation for either one of them. “I’ve tried talking to Tommy, but I can’t get him to open up to me. I know this is awkward Jessi, but I can’t talk to anyone else about it.”
She closed her eyes momentarily and Angel didn’t know if she was trying not to cry or getting ready for a big elaborate speech.
“Look, you know you can talk to me about anything, Angel, but I don’t know how much I can say without betraying Tommy’s trust. There are things he doesn’t talk about.”
“I don’t mean to put you in that position. I don’t know what else to do. I’m going crazy.”
“So is Tommy.”
He furrowed his brow. “What?”
“I’m sure you can see that Tommy has a hard time talking about . . . the things he struggles with. You, more than anyone, should know what he’s going through.”
Her words were suggestive but they were unclear. Angel was lost. He didn’t know if there were talking about the same subject anymore. “I’m talking about me and Tommy. What are you talking about?”
“The same thing. Tommy doesn’t know what to make of the ambiguous feelings he has. He’s afraid to be himself, except when he’s around you. Tommy never openly,” she paused while she searched for the right words, “Tommy never openly exhibited the kind of behavior that you two display, before.” She leaned closer to him for emphasis. “Not in front of anyone, except me.”
Angel was tired of implication. He wanted clear cut answers. “I’m going to be candid, Jessi. I’m going to come right out and ask you—” She tried to interrupt him, but he cut her off. “I don’t care if you don’t want to answer me. I’m going to ask you anyway. I want to know. No. I need to know. Am I interfering in your marriage? Am I coming between you and Tommy?”
She stared back at him, expressionless.
“Don’t pretend that you don’t know what’s going on. I know you do.”
She still didn’t react, so he pressed her harder. “You know that there’s more than a flirtation between me and Tommy. There’s something going on that no one’s talking about.”
She didn’t flinch. She was rigid, with a backbone of steel. He wasn’t ready to give up. He was determined to get an answer out of her. “I care about Tommy. A lot. I know he feels the same way about me. I’m afraid to act on it because I don’t want to hurt you, Jessi. But you need to let me know how you feel about what’s going on. If you want me to back off, tell me. I need to know, because I can’t keep my feelings on hold. I need to do something here.”
The dead silence hung in the air between them. After a few seconds, Jessi slowly began to smile. “Are we really having this conversation?”
Angel wanted to laugh, b
ut he stopped himself. It was a serious matter, not to be taken lightly. “I know. This is crazy. But, yes, we are. At least I am. I feel like I’m talking to a wall. Help me out, please.”
She took a deep breath and put her hand on his knee. “Look, there are some things I can’t talk about without betraying Tommy’s trust. But, I know Tommy. He lets me see things that he’s not comfortable showing anyone else. And I love every aspect of his personality. I love him for who he is.” She spoke slowly and chose her words carefully. “I would never stand in the way of Tommy’s happiness.”
Angel was fed up with the innuendo and insinuation. “I’m going to be very blunt and I want a straight answer. Do you have a problem if me and Tommy sleep together? Yes or no?”
She sat back in her chair and looked off to the side. She took a deep breath and was lost in thought. Her face took on a variety of emotions. She wrinkled her brow. The corners of mouth bowed down, and then her face went blank. Her lips curled up slightly and she turned back to look at him. “No. I have no problem with it.”
Angel was still excited and wound up hours after Jessi left. Now nothing was standing in his way of being with Tommy – except Tommy. That sweet boy needed to relax and let his guard down. Angel had to remind himself to be a little more patient and a little more persistent and everything would work out in the end.
He was inspired and motivated, and he wanted to write lyrics. He wanted to write a song for Tommy. Something that would verbalize and articulate the love he felt in his heart.
Angel jumped in bed with his laptop and notebook and pen. He always wrote music on top of his plush leopard throw surrounded by overstuffed pillows. The first thing he needed to do was find a melody. He browsed through his computer files and listened to some prerecorded melodies. The band composed music faster than he could write lyrics, so he always had an assortment of tunes to work with. He picked one and started writing. The words flowed effortlessly from his head to his hand, but they were contradictory to the melody. He replayed the track and sang the lyrics again, but he had to stop. The sappy versus and bridges he wrote clashed with the fast, hard beat of the music. He didn’t sing about love. He sang about dark things – greed, lust, sex, money – and that was the tempo of the music. It wasn’t cohesive with the lyrics. He was disheartened, because he loved the lyrics he wrote. He read through them again, and realized that he had a total different melody in his head, a melody that his subconscious just created. The band would have to write the music, but he had the general essence of the melody in his mind.
It wasn’t punk rock though. It was a beautiful, heartfelt ballad, and that’s what troubled him. Immortal Angel did not sing sappy ballads. He was worried his fans wouldn’t like it. It would be different, though. He could write lyrics for the other hard melody and debut them together. That might entice his fans into accepting a slower, softer song. He could run it by Jessi. Her judgment was spot on, and she never hesitated to tell him when she thought something wasn’t going to work.
Jessi had an abundance of prolific ideas. She managed the production of the new CD they recorded and pushed for a CD release party at The Quadrangle.
Angel always thought it was better to play the classier places because they paid a lot more than the hole in the wall bars, which were more fun, and where he didn’t have to worry about offending anyone with his ill-disciplined behavior on stage. But Jessi pushed to book the smaller neighborhood bars. She explained that those were the places that would expand his fan base and draw people to the larger venues, and she was right. He couldn’t believe he never looked at it that way. He was always looking at dollars and cents, which was important, but she explained that the bigger his fan base was the more in demand he would be and the more money he would draw. Record labels would look at him and see the potential for big bucks. She was one smart fish.
Angel looked back at the lyrics written on his notepad. He sang the entire song out loud with the new melody. It was romantic and passionate. It was good. If this was done right, maybe with just an acoustic guitar and the lights dimmed down and full of emotion, it could be really great. This could be the song that brought back the record label executives.
Angel sang the song in the studio, with only Tommy on the acoustic guitar. He didn’t want to look at Tommy when he sang. He thought it would be too passionate and he wanted to save that raw emotion for when he performed it in front of a crowd. Instead, he sang directly to Jessi.
She gazed back into his eyes and never looked away. She hung on every word and melted a little more with each verse. When the song ended, she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. When she looked back at him, she had tears in her eyes.
“Look at you! What happened to my hardcore rock and roll princess? Are you going soft on me?”
She just smiled at him for a long time. “That was beautiful.”
For a second, he thought she was going to kiss him. Now, if he could get that same reaction when he sang it to Tommy at their next show, everything would be perfect.
Chapter Fifteen
Jessi set up an elaborate merchandise display at the next gig, showcasing the new clothing that she designed. She was able to get her hands on some old mannequin forms, perks from working at a fashion house, and she dressed them in the different tops she had for sale.
Angel let her design them herself, as long as she didn’t change his logo. The logo was the band’s name written across a manhole cover. She hated it at first, but when he explained that the manhole cover symbolized the underground music scene, she thought it was perfect. She left the original logo with the white graphic on a black shirt intact. She added a second variation where the band’s name was printed in red lettering across a silver manhole cover. On the back, she added the words “Kick Ass Old Skool Punk Rock”, written in the same red lettering.
She was especially proud of the top she was wearing because she sewed it herself. She deconstructed a men’s T-shirt with the red lettering and transformed it into a corset-styled top. She added metal studs around the manhole cover and a red ribbon laced up the back. It was eye-catching and stood out among the unadorned tanks and tees.
She was meticulous about the merch table and took a long time to make sure everything was perfect. She stood back and admired the display. Everything looked amazing. She was proud of the designs she created. Tommy always told her she should start her own clothing line, and, secretly, it was her dream, but she didn’t have time. The band was her main priority. Anything else would have to wait.
Tommy and Angel carried in the rest of the boxes of shirts from the car and set them down on the other end of the table. She couldn’t hear what they were saying to each other, but she didn’t need to. The affinity and affection they shared when they looked at each other said everything. She was beginning to enjoy watching them together, and smiled softly. Her thoughts turned to the bedroom. Visions of Tommy and Angel entangled together, while she was in bed with them, was something she could wrap her legs around. It got a little too graphic to be fantasizing about at The Quadrangle and she pushed the arousing thoughts from her head.
Tommy and Angel were admiring the new shirts. They held them up to each other’s chest to see how they would look on one another. Tommy tucked the shirt into Angel’s waistband and accidentally tickled him. Angel giggled. They silently stared at each other for a few seconds, and then they took the shirts and walked toward the back room together.
Jessi had given a great deal of thought to the conversation she had with Angel last week, and she was at peace with the idea of Angel becoming part of their lives. He was already part of their lives, anyway. If she was going to share Tommy with anyone, Angel was probably the only person she could envision it with.
She often wondered how many men Tommy was with before he met her. He had plenty of girlfriends. He was a football player and he was in a band. When they first started dating they constantly ran into his old girlfriends. The mystery about old boyfriends would probably remain a
n unsolved, though, because Tommy never talked about it, and she would never push him. It really didn’t matter, anyway.
Out of the corner of her eye, Jessi spotted Tommy and Angel returning from the back room. As they got closer, she realized that they were both wearing the new T-shirts. They looked adorable. Jessi threw her head back and laughed. “You two are the cutest things I’ve ever seen!”
“I thought we should hang around and model the shirts, since they’re so amazing,” Angel ran his hand over the graphic on his chest. The shirt was probably a size too small, and hugged his body – a body that she’s been thinking about a little too much lately.
While she was busy appreciating how nice the shirts looked on Angel and Tommy, a small crowd of people gathered around the merch table to admire the clothing on the mannequins. The designs were a big hit. Girls scooped up the corset tops faster than she could pull them out of the box.
Kira and Audra, the two young girls who were Angel’s biggest fans, bought tank tops and asked him to autograph them. Jessi thought their infatuation with Angel was amusing. The number of girls lining up to talk to Tommy was a little intimidating, but he deserved the attention.
Alyssa, Damien’s wife, finally arrived to help at the merch table and started pulling shirts out of boxes and folding them on the table. “Sorry, I’m late.” She rolled her eyes. “Small crisis with Damien this morning. Mohawk issues. He was out of hair product.”
Jessi burst out laughing. Tommy with his flowing blond hair, Damien with his stark blue mohawk, they were worse than women when it came to their hair.
She stopped Alyssa from arranging shirts on the table so she could look at the corset top she was wearing. Alyssa was her first model and the first person to wear a Jessi Blade original corset top featuring Immortal Angel. She examined Alyssa’s top and made her turn around so she could check the back. It fit her perfectly.
The Prince of Punk Rock Page 7