Abel smiles gently, then glances at Elaine in the corner. I look between them, trying to decipher that look. Is the look about me? Are they communicating somehow?
Abel stands and moves around his desk, coming towards me. I flinch back a step, gritting my teeth. Despite his nice words, I’m not quick to trust him. Those eyes are far too familiar for that. His words are too perfect, this place is too giving. I force myself to still my movements, I can’t afford to show anymore weakness. He has been cordial thus far so I’ll bid my time and see what he does. I could be overreacting, I could not be.
Once Abel is towering over me, he places his hands behind his back, still a good distance away. “Elaine will introduce you to the others here; it should make your transition a little easier.” He steps around me and walks to the doorway. Once there he opens the door wide and glances at me, “And Alanna, you are free to leave Craforian whenever you desire to do so. You will not be a prisoner here, and no harm shall come to you at the hands of those living here.”
I’m at a loss. I feel as though I’m missing something. It’s as if he knows something about me, something about my past, or he suspects something at least. Perhaps I’m overreacting. Perhaps I’m just being overly sensitive. This whole meeting has set me on edge and I need to process everything. He doesn’t seem like a threat but it’s too soon to tell. The things he says makes me second guess myself, doubt myself. I need to be on my guard here, this place isn’t right.
Without another word, I cautiously follow Elaine out the door. This time the journey is much slower, and I only half listen to her as she explains what the different buildings around town are used for. The brown square building we passed on the way here was the library, something I’d only heard about but never actually seen. On the adjacent wall to the left of Abel’s wooden home sits an extremely long and wide tan building called the dorms. Elaine says this is the place where everyone else stays.
Directly across from the dorms is the arena. It’s circular, with pillars on the outer edges supporting a tall ceiling. All of the practice and fighting takes places here. Elaine explains there’s a building on the far side of the arena that houses the weapons and armor. Seems a tad excessive to have a room for it all but what do I know?
Along the far wall and adjacent to the dorms is the long gray building holding the kitchen and dining area. The kitchen is through the door on the far left, while the dining room is through the door on the side closest to us.
Before she can actually take me inside any of the buildings, I ask, “Can I be shown to the room I’ll be staying in? I’d like to go to bed early. It’s been a long couple of months.”
She doesn’t appear surprised. Instead, she smiles at me. “Absolutely. I figured you’d be tired from the journey. I can give you the tour later if you’d like, just let me know.”
She guides me through the door to the dorms and down the long and narrow hallway. There are rooms on both sides; they look identical from the outside. The corridor is empty and the lights are dim. Instantly, my body tenses and my thoughts go into overdrive. This is an ambush, They’re going to attack me all at once.
We pull to a stop in front of a nondescript door. Maybe the door leads to a torture room. They could be lying in wait for me, and they’ll start hurting me in hopes of digging out my secrets. My body starts to shake, and my heart pounds as my imagination runs wild.
I glare at Elaine and crush my hands into fists. Her expression is one of despair and pity. It startles me so much I take a step back. I don’t want her pity, I don’t want the Other’s pity. My angry glare doesn’t faze her, and she opens the door.
Light instantly floods the room, and she moves all the way inside the room. I hesitate, contemplating my options. I could run like a coward, or I can face whatever may or may not be waiting for me in there. I suck in a deep breath and enter.
Chapter 14
How much time has passed? How long have I been sitting in the darkness? I’m losing my mind. I curl into myself and will my mind someplace else—my village, my home, my family. I dream I’m still home and that none of this is happening. The torment will fade to a background noise, the pain a distant thing. But, my solace is destroyed. They destroyed that. Never again will my dreams be filled with that small happiness. My escape now decimated with the utter annihilation of my home. Everyone’s gone. Their screams, the chaos, the deep poisoning guilt slowly choking the life from me.
The screams in the distance are grating on my every nerve. It never ends. The anguish and terror are too much to bare. Yet, I’d rather face this slow, creeping insanity than face that place again.
I know it will happen; it always does. It’s always the same in there too. The cold table, the evil grinning faces looming over me, the vials, the agony. It burns like my insides are being cooked. A slow process, an everlasting process, or so it seems. It never ends quickly enough. I can’t go back. I don’t want to. It’s too much.
But He will come. He always does.
As if my thoughts summoned the evil Himself, the door squeaks open and His looming figure somehow shadows the ever-dark room. I see nothing but his outline, a dark mass of blackness in the doorway. It haunts my every thought. It haunts me every time I close my eyes. He stands like a beacon of pure horror and agony. Fighting back is useless. I’ve tried so many times before, and I’m so tired. Fighting won’t get me anywhere. All it will do is bring me more pain.
Yet this time is different. I have something to fight for. I have someone to fight for. I need to save them. I won’t let them be like me. I won’t let them go through what I go through. I will protect them somehow. I must. I’ll even plead and beg for their lives if that’s what it takes. For them, I will do it. I’ll endure the added torture my begging will create. For them, I can endure anything. I must protect them from this fate. I must protect them from this life. I must protect them from this terrible reality.
I’m pulled from my mind when a rough hand grips my arm. I squeeze my eyes shut and lock my lips together. He yanks me out the door and down the hall. Even without opening my eyes, I can see my destination. How many times have I been trapped there? How many more times will I be contained in that room? I need to protect them from that place. They should never experience the pain that prison brings. They have to remain untouched, undefiled. I can’t let them get hurt like me. It’s too much. They shouldn’t know that kind of torture. No one should ever know that kind of torture.
*******
I repress the shudders threatening to escape every time His hand touches my head. Like some animal, he continues to pet my head over and over again. It makes me want to vomit in disgust. I want nothing more than to move out of reach but know it’s impossible. He would only choke me again. Or worse. No, I can’t react to the… affection, if you can call it that, in any way. I must act like a doll. Otherwise, it’ll draw unwanted attention to myself. That thought alone makes me jittery.
My back rests against His throne-like chair facing the pit. He sits tall in this throne, acting like a king. I still don’t know what this pit is used for, but I know I’m soon going to find out. Whatever it is, I won’t like it. Whatever happens in the pit will scar me. It will haunt me forever or maybe even break me.
I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know.
*******
He said it was my reward for killing them. He said it was a present for surviving. He said I would see them again if I behaved. I don’t know if I want to see them anymore. They are changing, slowly, but still changing. I don’t know how long before they become like the others. It scares me. I said I would protect them but I don’t know how. I can’t. I can’t even protect myself. I’m so afraid. I don’t know if I want to see them again. I don’t want to see them like this. I can’t stand it. It makes me sick. It makes me feel responsible, guilty.
Watching them slowly change isn’t a reward. It’s another punishment. No reward is like this. It’s cruel and sadistic. Terrible and
terrifying. I could do nothing but cry as I stared. He didn’t give me much time there, but it was enough. They’re alive. For now. I need to be good. Maybe He will keep them longer. If I behave, maybe He will release them. I don’t want this. I’m sorry. It’s my fault. All of it. I did this. I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.
*******
I startle awake. He’s there. I can feel it. How many days have I been locked up here this time? Long enough for the agony inside my body to end. I don’t want to go back so soon. I can’t. I won’t. But I’m helpless. He drags me down the too familiar hall. But we don’t turn. We keep going.
Where are we going? I don’t like this.
Something’s not right. I’ve never been this way. Where are we going? This isn’t right. My eyes are wide and I can’t make sense of what I see. Grass. There’s grass. It’s bright. Too bright for my eyes. It hurts. I’m outside. They’ve never brought me outside before. Why now?
What’s happening? I don’t like this.
*******
Pulling in air is nearly impossible, His grip is too tight. I struggle to pull in enough air to survive. I’m starting to wheeze, and His grip tightens more. Now, no sound carries through the air. I snap my eyes open when He demands it. I will myself to look into His evil, golden eyes when he demands that too.
He tells me that next time, He won’t be as forgiving.
Next time, I’ll spend three days in that room. Tears form in my eyes at the thought of enduring that torture for three whole days. He demands an answer. I give a small nod; I can’t move my head any more than that. I won’t make the same mistake twice. His smile scares me. It promises things. Terrible things. Painful things. His grip loosens ever so slowly. Like a warning. His eyes watch me. I will all expression away. I will my body immobile.
*******
Agony. Everywhere hurts. I can’t. No more. Stop. So much pain. No. No. No. Pain. Hurts. No. How much more? Stop. Stop. I don’t want it. No more. Make it stop. It burns. Too much. Fire. I’m on fire. My insides are melting. Stop. No. I can’t. Why? What did I do? Why? Make it stop. No. Why? Why? I didn’t do anything? Why me? What did I do? Pain. So much pain. No more. No. I can’t. Please. Please. No more.
*******
They no longer look like themselves. The don’t look like Them, either. They are all wrong. I don’t know what They did to the others, but it’s wrong. Something went wrong. Some faces are still recognizable, barely. The deformities are terrible and grotesque. Blotched skin. Missing hair. Deformed limbs. Absent flesh. Gaping holes. White eyes. The smell. Rot and waste. It’s what I imagine death would smell like. It’s what I imagine death would look like, too.
*******
I distantly hear myself cry out as my worn body hits the cold, hard floor. Everywhere hurts. Nowhere is free from pain. My insides burn. My stomach is hollow. My eyes are swelled shut. All of my senses but one are dulled, touch. I feel too much. It’s too much. So tired. I need to sleep but everything hurts. I can’t sleep, but I want to, I need to.
It’s too much. I need to get away. I’ll go home. My family will protect me. They always have. I will be with them again. But I can’t. Why can’t I? I don’t remember. Something happened, didn’t it? It’s too much. But what? Why can’t I go home? Where is home? Where’s my family? They’re my home, aren’t they? It hurts. They’re not home. I went home. They aren’t there anymore. Why? Why aren’t they there? Why am I here? I need it to stop. Where is my family?
*******
I didn’t want to kill them. I almost couldn’t. But He made me. He threw me in and told me I wouldn’t leave until they’re all dead. Now they’re gone. All of them. Those with the familiar faces. They weren’t normal. They were all wrong. More wrong than me. Some part of me is still me, but not them. They were all gone. Nothing but madness remained. Nothing but violence and hunger. They even turned on each other. Then, they turned on me. I tell myself I killed them to save them. That I saved them from their madness. That I saved what remained of their humanity. I saved them from themselves. That I ended their suffering as a small mercy. But it was my fault from the beginning.
Everything is my fault. I did this. Then I killed them, too. I didn’t want to, but He made me. How could They do this to me? To us? Why? They were broken and unreachable. How many others are like this? How many more will be?
*******
I knew I wouldn’t like what happened in the pit. I knew it would scar me. I knew it would haunt me. I don’t know if it broke me yet but it will. One day it will.
I jolt upright and smack my head against concrete. Ouch. I rub my forehead and work to steady my breaths. Tears soak my cheeks, and my heart clenches painfully. I need to push it away. It’s too painful, too fresh and raw. I’m not ready to deal with these memories. I’m not ready to handle these emotions. I count in my head until the thoughts ease and my breathing slows.
It’s been a while since my dreams were this bad. They have never skipped like that, either. The dreams were jumbled and scattered; it was exhausting. It must be because of the heightened emotions I’m feeling in this place. Being surrounded by Them stirs the memories locked far below. I need to improve my control over them otherwise I’ll drown again. I don’t need to relapse, especially surrounded by the enemy. It’s a weakness I can’t afford.
Last night, nothing happened when I entered the room I’m staying in temporarily. I wasn’t sure if I was glad or disappointed at the time. Part of me wanted to finally have some concrete proof that the Others here are evil. Yet, the other part of me longed to finally put my faith in someone again. Mainly, I just wanted all this constant doubt and uncertainty to end. But when nothing and no one attacked, it only drew out my distrust and hesitation.
Elaine had simply shown me in and left without another word. Honestly, I was glad for it because I needed time to come to grips with everything that happened since she found me in the woods. Besides, I wouldn’t know what to say anyway. It’s strange trying to small talk with an Other.
The room contained a simple bed and night stand. There was a small closet and a modest bathroom. The bathroom had a basic toilet, a sink, and a bathtub. I restrained myself from taking a bath. Not only did I not want to get caught in the vulnerable state of nakedness—in case something does happen—but I also wasn’t sure how it worked. In my village, we had to draw a bath using the water in well. We’d haul buckets into the tub that sat by the fire, in order to warm the bath. This bath didn’t sit near a fire nor were there buckets to fill it up. Instead it was attached to the bathroom wall with two handles and a spout attached to the outer rim of the tub. I had never seen anything like it nor had I ever read anything like it before. I was at a loss.
I slept with my back firmly pressed against the door all night. I hadn’t even bothered to unpack my bag, preferring the option of a quick escape if need be. I hadn’t intended to fall asleep last night, but my exhaustion won in the end. I made sure the door lock was flipped— although it was probably useless—and gripped my bow tight in my hands all night. I drifted off around sun-up, periodically checking the clock on the end table to see if time was in fact moving forward. Minutes felt like days. The longer I fought my exhaustion, the slower time passed.
I had managed to resist the temptation of sleeping in the perfectly inviting bed. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually slept in a bed. I feared the Others here would use the cover of darkness to take me out while I rested; I wouldn’t risk that, so I left the lights on all night. Paranoia made the shadows appear like something was lurking in the darker corners of the room.
Eventually, morning came and I woke with stiff muscles and an exhausted body. My lack of decent sleep in the last few days weighted heavily on me this morning. My hunger came back full force as well. To distract myself from the growing hunger, I needed to find a nice, quiet place to rest. I grabbed my bow and headed out of the room, cautious of any of the Others nearby.
I wandered in the shadows for
a little under an hour before finding a decent spot to claim. A little alcove was tucked away in the far corner of the compound past the library, and was camouflaged by the greenery. It was situated along the concrete wall, giving it the added layer of protection I desperately wanted. I had accidently stumbled upon it when I had leaned in to touch the strange orange and white blossoms, and ended up falling toward the vine-like plant. Instead of stopping my fall, it aided it. I fell through and plopped into the alcove. I allowed the vines to fall back in place and sufficiently hid myself away from any prying eyes. Bow held against my chest, I nodded off in no time.
Chapter 15
Here I am, waking with nightmares about a fractured past because of Them. It’s hard to trust these Others here when I’m constantly reminded of Them. Every time I see the Others here, I think of what these things are capable of.
A small part of me wants to trust what Abel claims, and an even larger part of me just wants something to look forward to again. I want something or someone I can count on, even though I fear that idea just as much.
If I get close to people again, I could get burned like the last time. Or I could burn them. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything happened to the people I cared about again. I’m not saying that these Others will become my friends or that I’ll eventually care for them but maybe it’s possible. Maybe it’s not.
My rumbling stomach distracts me. After untangling myself from my perfect, tiny alcove, I stand and peer around the area. Empty. Still alone. I release the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. Perhaps this hideaway wasn’t entirely perfect after all. My body aches from the position I curled into, and my joints pop and crack as I stretch.
I wander off to the kitchen to scrounge up some food, eyes on my surroundings the entire time.
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