Movement from the corner of my eye draws my attention. I see Abel closing in. His eyes are wide and concern is etched across his face. The concern surprises me so much that the flames flicker in response.
He approaches me slowly, like one would approach a wild animal. It only serves to make me feel more cornered though. I feel the panic building inside. What does Abel want? Why is he coming for me? The silver flames—now burning all along my body—lash out in anger.
I hear a sound from behind me and whip around. Without my noticing, Erik had somehow managed to get creep up behind me. His hands are held out in front of him in a calming gesture, but it doesn’t calm me. I narrow my eyes and raise my own hands in retaliation.
I want them to move away, they’re too close. It’s suffocating. I back up, trying to keep both Abel and Erik in view. When they show no sign of retreating, I will the flames higher, and higher they go. Everything happens so quickly and next thing I know, everything explodes and the world goes dark.
*******
I peel open my eyes, eyes that feel like they’ve been sewed shut. I take in my surroundings, giving myself time to gather my strength. The room I lay in is enclosed, the walls and floors made of dark wood. Small beds line the walls beside me. In the far corner opposite me sits a desk and various tools and equipment. There are two doors on the wall: one which obviously leads out, and the other most likely a bathroom. The smell is sterile; this is a clinic of some sort, though one I’ve never seen before. The clinic in my village was a small room inside the healer’s home. This clinic is large and immaculately clean.
I look down the bed to see Abel sitting calmly with a stack of papers in his lap. As I attempt to sit up, he glances up with a kind look in his eyes. “Lie still, you need time to heal. You expelled more energy than you should have. It will take time to regain your strength, but it will pass. How do you feel, other than the weakness and dizziness?” He politely asks.
Why isn’t he angry? I almost set him and Erik on fire. Shouldn’t he be furious at me? It doesn’t make any sense. I try to speak, but find my throat too dry. Abel seems to know this and moves to the table at my side. He passes me a glass of water. Once the drink is downed and the glass returned to the table, Abel moves back to his chair.
I clear my throat and try again. “I feel fine. I didn’t mean to lose control. It was an accident, it won’t happen again. I’ll try harder. I can do-”
“Everyone loses control when harnessing their energy at the start. You did nothing wrong and will not be punished, do you understand?” I nod my head, confused. “If it does happen again, it happens. Do not stress over what may come. You did exceptionally well holding it together that long. Do not fault yourself over this, no one was hurt and the damage was minimal.” He smiles so gently it hurts.
I expected anger and frustration, not understanding and tenderness. It makes me feel so small and pitiful, though I don’t know why. A sudden tightness in my chest has me fighting tears. I look down at my lap and grip the blanket tight. I will not cry here, not now. Not over this. I choke back the emotion lodged in my throat. “What did I damage?”
“One of the pillars that supports the roof of the arena was brought down. Your fire extended quite high and was immensely hot. It loosened the connection between the pillar and roof. It toppled over, and knocked down another pillar.”
My face go white. I did that? Me? It was that strong? That’s terrifying. What if it had hit one of them? “Rest assured, Alanna, no one was hurt.” It still doesn’t make me feel any better.
“Why did I pass out?” I almost don’t want to know.
“Well, my theory is that the energy became too much, too soon. You lost complete control right before you blacked out.” Abel raises his eyebrows slightly. “The sudden surge of pure energy was too taxing on your system. Your body shut itself down to prevent further damage. Freya, the doctor, has already been by to assess your condition. She assures me that you are well, just in need of rest. To be sure, however, she drew some blood samples to run some simple tests.”
Blood samples? What are those? This leaves me with a bad feeling. Before I can dwell on it any further, Abel stands. “It’s time for me to leave you. Unfortunately, I have a very important meeting that I cannot miss. Either Elaine or Freya will be with you shorty. Rest well, Alanna.”
I watch him leave the room. Now alone, I wonder if I actually prefer his company over my own thoughts. A strange feeling settles over me—one I can’t identify—but it leaves me feeling hollow inside.
With nothing to occupy my mind, my thoughts turn to Craforian. Things haven’t been going as planned. I’ve started to… enjoy the company they provide. At least Erik’s and Benjamin’s. These talnarins are the reason my life is ruined, and yet they are filling that void within me. How is this possible? I should only feel hate and disgust towards them.
Even if those feelings changed, it’s far too soon. I’m not ready to face it. I’ve only been here for what… five days? How is that enough time to alter my view on them? Sure, they have been nothing but kind on the outside. They have helped me with my training, no questions asked. They are teaching me all I need to know about their species without a moment’s hesitation.
The strangest thing though, is how they never ask me why I don’t know these things. They never ask what happened to me or where I came from. A huge part of me is relieved, but a smaller part wants them to ask. I desperately want to tell someone. I want this burden lifted, even if only a little. But I can’t say it, I can’t open those wounds. It’s bad enough that the dreams have come back. I can’t face those memories any more than I could when it first started.
It terrifies me, my past and my future. The more I stay, the more I want to stay. The more comfortable I get here, the more difficult it will be to finally leave. But I need this revenge more than I need my own life. I need to atone for my sins and this is the only way I know how. Why do I want to stay? Why do I want to trust these talnarins?
They aren’t Them. I know that. But they are the same, in a way. Same species, same eyes. I shouldn’t be feeling this way, it’s far too soon. While I’m still leery of them, I find the companionship peaceful, in a way. Why? Why them? What puts me so at ease? What makes me want to trust them? Is it a trick of theirs, just like His? Or is it my loneliness? Is it my despair seeking comfort? I don’t know.
Chapter 20
I jump as I notice someone standing at the foot of the bed. Elaine. She looks so happy to see me. I don’t get it but then again, I don’t get my own emotions lately either. I watch as she plops into the chair Abel previously occupied, and rests her hands on the arm rests.
She smiles brightly and says, “Hello Alanna. How are you feeling? That was quite a show.” Her laugh is soft.
I sigh deeply. “I’m fine. I didn’t mean for it to happen, it was an accident. I’ll help clean it up.” Her laugher grows and I stare at her in confusion. I was being sincere and she laughs. It irritates me. “What’s so funny?”
She manages to stop laughing but her face is stretched into wide grin. “You managed to knock over two pillars. No one here has ever done that before. If you had seen the looks on Abel’s and Erik’s faces, you would be laughing too.” She snickers. “Seriously though, don’t be sorry, it’s hilarious. No one’s mad at you. Relax. Oh, and you don’t have to clean it up, it’s already done. But Abel,” she says between giggles, “his face…hilarious.”
I stay quiet. I still don’t find it funny, despite her obvious amusement about the whole thing. I could have hurt someone; doesn’t she get that? Doesn’t anyone get that? I came close to injuring both Erik and Abel but they don’t seem to care. It’s baffling.
Once her laugher is under control she speaks again. “On a serious note, Abel and Freya want you to rest for the next two days, just to be careful. Instead of continuing with training, you can study with Benjamin or simply relax, it’s up to you. But, in no way are you to practice the energy
manipulation, alright?”
I nod. It’s not like I’m eager to jump back into after losing control like that anyway.
We sit in silence for a short while before she attempts small talk. “How do you like it here? It’s nice, right?” I’m not really sure how to respond to that so I don’t. Elaine’s face falls slightly, but she pushes on. “The twins are great too, huh? They are the best fire users at Craforian. It’ll get easier, you’ll see.” Silence reigns over the room when I don’t comment. Now her face falls completely, she looks so crestfallen that it makes me feel like an asshole.
“Uh… why are you here?” I didn’t think it was possible but her expression drops even more with my tactless question. I wince at my word choice and rush to explain, “No, not here. Here like Craforian, here.” At her brief hesitation, I start blubbering over my words. “You don’t have… I didn’t mean… I… was just curious. I don’t know what to say is all. I haven’t… it’s been….” I trail off in frustration. I can’t even have a normal conversation. What’s wrong with me?
A slight smile graces her face. “Well, I’m friends with Abel, I guess you could say. We’ve known each other for a long time, and one day he told me he was coming here. It was either stay behind with Abel’s brother or follow him here. I choose to follow him. I’m not one for life in the limelight, so it was an easy choice to make. Besides, Abel’s more… approachable than his brother.” A light laugh escapes her. “We’ve been here for eight years.” She looks almost hesitantly to say what she’s about to. It makes me fear what her next words will be. “Are you okay? I don’t mean from the accident earlier but… everything.” She leans forward.
The concern in her voice causes a lump to swell in my throat. Am I okay? Now that’s a loaded question. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. “I’m… as good as I can be, I suppose. I wish things were different, but I’m managing.” I choke the emotion back down. “And you, are you… alright?” She looks confused so I explain, “At times, I see hurt or pain written all over your face. At odd times, too.” I shift awkwardly on the bed.
Her face flickers with understanding. “Ah yes, I’m fine. I just… feel things a little differently than others. I have a strong connection to emotions with my Mindula affinity. Ben did explain what that is, right?” I nod and she continues. “There are times when I can draw the emotions from other people. The emotions are projected through me and it can become very overwhelming, but I can separate myself.” Elaine leans back in her chair once more. “There’ve been instances where I’ve come across powerful talnarins and not been able to differentiate the emotions I feel from them and my own. I don’t know how to explain it well, but usually I can sense that the emotions I’m feeling aren’t mine. The emotions coming from those with stronger energy aren’t as easily identifiable as others. So, it’s swept me under a couple times before.”
How interesting. To be able to feel what others feel, the information you could gleam from a power like that. But wouldn’t that get exhausting having to constantly feel another’s emotions like that? “So, the times I saw you, you felt the emotions from-”
“You. I felt your emotions Alanna.” She cuts in with an unreadable expression on her face.
I let that sink in. “But you said you can separate yourself from them. Why didn’t you?”
“I couldn’t. I can’t separate myself from your emotions.” She looks as stupefied as I felt. “There’s only ever been two others who affect me the same way you do. But after I got overwhelmed the first time with them, I stopped it. I built up my walls better and haven’t felt theirs since. But you… you, I can’t block. There’s something different about you, I just don’t know what it is.”
The blood drains from my face. Luckily, she had started pacing at the foot of the bed and didn’t notice my shift. I grip the sheets tighter in my hands and will my heart to calm, paranoid that she’d hear the erratic thudding and it’d somehow give me away. I bite my lip in hopes of keeping the scream building in my throat from leaving.
“It’s okay, it’s a good different. I won’t pry, everyone has secrets, and I respect that. You can tell me when you’re ready, if ever. It’s okay, I promise.”
I thought she would have been oblivious to my mood change, but then I remember her affinity with emotions. And while her words can’t be trusted completely, they still manage to ease the tension from my frame. My heart steadies while my hands unclench and I release my lip before I pierce the skin. I watch Elaine warily as she retakes her seat.
I knew I was different, I just didn’t think it extended to the energy affinity stuff too. I had thought at least that part would have been the same as the other talnarins. Who knows what else is different about me now. Could the way I draw from and use my energy be somehow different than the others too? Is the strength of my abilities different in any way? Am I weaker or stronger?
It scares me that I don’t know and that I can’t ask. It scares me that someone may know I’m different and start connecting the dots of my past. What if someone figures it out? What if they figure out what I’ve become? Will they kill me for it? This is the biggest and most concerning unknown. And what if my flames are wrong, are they supposed to be silver? All the stuff I’ve read and heard from Benjamin mention red or orange eyes as the color representation for the fire affinity, the Firvo Affinity.
“Your flames… have they always been silver?” I’m startled from my thoughts at Elaine’s soft voice.
Holy shit. Is she reading my mind? Can she? “Can you read minds?” I blurt.
She looks completely caught off guard as she rubs her arms. “No I can’t. I can read intentions though, not thoughts themselves. No one can read thoughts, just hints of them gathered from the emotional reads.”
Relief instantly washes through me but it’s short lived once I recall Elaine’s original question. “Since I first harnessed them, they’ve been that color. Is that… bad?” Sweat beads along my pale forehead.
“… It’s not bad, just rare.” Her obvious hesitation at her word choice only serves to raise my suspicions and paranoia. It almost sounded like she was going to use another word too, but what?
Before I have a chance to push Elaine any further, a tall blond woman walks in. She wears a warm smile on her thin face. Her wavy blond hair reaches to her lower back. Her eyes are a starling shade of green; she has a flora or Flokil Affinity, then. Her eyes are so vibrant they seem to glow. You would think that at this point I would be used to seeing the strange eyes on the talnarins, but I’m not. She wears a long white coat, and a sudden and overpowering wave of repulsion washes through me. It’s just like Theirs’s, just like the two talnarins coat. They wore Their white coat splattered with blood.
Almost instantly, the terror and panic claw their way to the surface. I don’t want this woman anywhere near me. It haunts me, it brings back things I want to forget. The blood drains from my face as she moves closer. I nearly fall off the bed in my attempt to as far away as possible. Both Elaine and the woman startle and reach out to catch me before I hit the floor. I slam myself into the corner and hold my hands up over my heads in a defensive position. At this movement, they both freeze. I stare wide eyed at the newcomer, mentally begging her to leave me alone with no such luck.
“Freya, just… back up for a minute, please. Give her some space. She’s feeling a bit overwhelmed.” Elaine’s face is creased with worry and pain, a near mirror image to mine, I’m sure. “Alanna it’s okay. Just stay calm. No one here will hurt you, alright. Freya is only here to check on you, she’s our doctor, the one Abel told you about. Do you remember?” It’s as if she’s speaking down a long tunnel, her voice faint and distant.
I don’t take my eyes from this talnarin, afraid that if I looked away she’d strike. Freya’s face is a mask of absolute calmness, and it’s a trick somehow, I just know it. Out of the corner of my eye I catch Elaine moving in front of Freya, shielding her from view. My lip curls in disgust at the obvious s
ide Elaine’s has chosen. I shouldn’t be surprised, they’ve known each other much longer than I’ve known Elaine. I knew I shouldn’t have started to trust her, it was a stupid mistake. I feel a lump in my throat and tears form in my eyes.
Deep down I know I’m overreacting and that the odds of them hurting me are low. If they wanted to, they would have already done it. My mind is messing with me. I know this, but still, it overwhelms me.
The hostile feelings won’t abate no matter what I tell myself.
Elaine tries again, her voice soft, “Alanna what’s wrong? How can we help you? Let us… let me help you. It’s okay.” Freya is completely blocked from my sight. I don’t know if I find that relieving or irritating. Now I have no choice but to direct my attention to Elaine, but maybe that was her point. Maybe she wasn’t defending Freya. Maybe she was trying to calm me.
I don’t know, my thoughts are a mess. I’m vaguely aware that I’m shaking my head back and forth.
“Coat. No coat.” I blurt unexpectedly. I will myself to shut up but it’s too late. The words are out.
Surprise crosses Elaine’s face seconds before a look of understanding dawns. Quietly, her voice near a whisper, Elaine asks, “Freya, can you remove the coat please?”
A soft and musical voice replies, “I already have. I think you can move now Elaine, thank you.”
I remain tense as Freya moves out from behind Elaine in slow, measured steps. I prepare myself for anything, but with the coat no longer in sight, the resemblance to Them fades. My mind rights itself and my heart slows. Freya, still not completely visible, remains where she is, allowing me to adjust. Bit by bit, my body unwinds.
She calmly asks, “Is this better Alanna?”
Feeling like a total fool, I mutter a quick apology. Both Elaine and Freya brush it off, telling me not to concern myself with it. I lower my head in shame. “Alanna, may I move closer, dear? I simply want to check on your energy level,” Freya asks. Her voice is so calm, so musical. I nod and she moves to crouch in front of me, my body still shoved in the corner. “May I hold your hand for a moment for the readings?”
Fractured Past (A Talnarin Novel Book 1) Page 12