The worst of the memories are because of this room. The worst of my past is due to the nightmares that took place here. Distantly I’m aware of the wetness on my cheeks and the hand leaving my neck as I slide to the floor. My knees hit the floor hard but the pain doesn’t come. My mind blanks and my heart stops. Everything happened here. This was the room that destroyed everything that I was and everyone I loved.
My rampant thoughts and memories are shattered by the hauntingly familiar voice from behind me.
“Well, if it isn’t my Little Bhria.” The blood rushes from my face and I stare wide eyed at the floor in shock. “I was hoping you would come home soon. After all, it’s been so long since we last saw each other. I’ve missed you, my perfect Little Bhria. We used to have such fun times together, wouldn’t you say?” He laughs manically, His laugh echoing off the empty walls. “Well I guess you wouldn’t agree but it’s no matter. You need to come with me now, Little Bhria. You’ve had your freedom for long enough.”
My eyes snap open as I grasp the meaning of what He had said. He makes it sound like He let me escape all that time ago. He says it as if He gave me a choice in it all, but it can’t be, can it? No! I refuse to accept that, not after everything I went through to get away from this place.
Somehow, I find the strength to push to my feet and unsteadily turn to face Him. It’s almost as if I am compelled to look at Him, even though the very idea terrifies me beyond belief. And before I know it, my eyes find his golden ones. Amusement dances across His face and my jaw goes slack. How is He amused after what I did to this place and to His people? He should be furious, and yet he’s clearly not. It throws me off balance and I hate it.
His mouth stretches into a sick, twisted smile. “It’s time to leave these… friends of yours.” I watch as He almost lazily turns to look at Malik and the rest. Once His eyes connect with Malik’s, He freezes. Recognition dawns on His face and with it comes… fear? Apprehension? Whatever He sees disturbs Him and He flounders. “You! This can’t be. Little Bhria, how did you find this man? You’ve done something you shouldn’t have done.”
His eyes refuse to leave Malik’s and it makes me nervous. Who is Malik that it has Him so nervous? And who is He to Malik? Even Malik looks taken aback, confused. What is going on? “This wasn’t part of the plan, Little Bhria. I can’t let this ruin everything we have worked for. We have too much at stake. I need to leave you, but I’ll come back for you, my Little Bhria, don’t you fret.” At this He gives me a quick look before directing His full attention back on Malik.
“As a parting gift, I’ll tell you this. This plot is much bigger than you know. By the time, you unravel all of our secrets, it will be far too late to stop us. And just know, when you take one of us down, another will replace us. As for my Little Bhria here, well, let’s just say she isn’t the only one out there.” With one last fleeting look my way He says, “Stay safe, my Little Bhria, until I can come collect you.”
Instantly the room fills with smoke and a loud bang echoes out. I watch wide eyed as Zeke and another talnarin rush into the smoke. A short time later, they return with hardened expressions. Malik turns abruptly and smashes his fist into the wall. I jump and let out a small squeal. The smoke begins to thin.
He’s gone.
In a whirl, Malik turns on me and is in my face, ready to explode. I wince, trying to step back. His body cages me against the doorframe and it leaves me with nowhere to go. Voice low and like steel he says, “What the fuck was that?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know. It doesn’t make any sense.” My voice cracks and I will the tears to stop.
His expression shows he clearly doesn’t believe me. “Who the fuck was that, and what the fuck does he want? But more importantly, who the fuck are you?”
“I don’t know who He is or what He wants. I’m Alanna, a talnarin.”
Panic edges its way up. A snarl leaves his lips. Malik grabs my neck and pulls me forward into his chest. He yanks me roughly until he marches me out of the cement prison, back to his chest. As soon as fresh air and sunlight reach me, we stop. Malik flips me around and that’s when I notice only Zeke and him remain. Where the other two went, I don’t know nor do I care at this moment either.
“Who the fuck are you?” He glares at me from a few paces away.
I shudder. “Alanna, an ordinary talnarin who got taken by bad talnarins. He was one of them. The leader.”
“Taken my ass. You are working with him, he admitted it himself.”
What? No, no, no. “I’m not working with Him. I never was and never will. He’s a sick bastard, I would never.” This only seems to enrage Malik further. I watch as his whole-body tenses and his face heats. Even his eyes seem to flare and it causes my heart to skip. What do I do?
Chapter 32
“Damnit, girl, tell me the truth!” He shouts in rage.
I scream back, fists clenched, tears close to falling, “Fine! Fine you want the fucking truth. I’ll give it to you. I’m not a talnarin.” I blink in shock, my momentum halted. I hadn’t expected that to come out, not at all. Now it’s out and I can’t take it back.
I look at the now bewildered Malik. If it wasn’t so serious, I might have laughed. The same look sits on Zeke’s face too. I fucked up, bad. I brace myself for what’s to come. They both seem unable to form words, their mouths opening and closing repeatedly. I pinch my lips together tightly and beg the ground to swallow me whole. This couldn’t get any worse.
But it can and will get worse, because Malik’s found his words all too soon. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He pins me with the fiercest stare yet. This one has me wanting to run and scream for cover. It makes me want to cry more. I cringe, looking away, but he’s not having it.
Malik rushes at me and I squeak in fear. I blurt, “Everything.” It works, he pauses inches from me, towering over my shaking frame. Zeke’s heat can be felt from my back now too. Shit. “It’s about everything. All of this is about not being talnarin and not being human.”
He gets in my face, “Stop talking in riddles before I decide you’re not worth my time.”
“Fine.” I scream. “Just step back. I need to breathe and you’re not helping.” I count my breaths in my head, hoping to calm myself down. It’s too much, all of it, I need to think and I need to breath. They’re both terrifying me, and being in this place is too much.
Thankfully, Malik and Zeke still seem to be listening to reason. They both take a few steps back, not much, but enough to ease some of the panic.
As if some unseen being overtakes me, I begin to move. Slowly pacing back and forth, I’m vaguely aware of both talnarins eyes on me the entire time. I need to think about what I’ll say and how much I’ll say. I don’t want them to know it all. I’m not even sure I can tell any of it, the wounds are still fresh. Yet, I’m so tired of running and hiding. It’s exhausting having to constantly be on my guard and doubt everyone around me. I’m so weary and emotionally drained, keeping it bottled inside doesn’t seem to help either. Maybe talking to someone will ease my burden, even if only slightly. Perhaps confiding in another about what I’ve done with ease the guilt that’s constantly choking me. It’s as if a shadow haunts my every move. There’s always a heavy and dark feeling trailing after me, bringing me down. I don’t want to run from that shadow anymore. I don’t want to hide from my sins any longer.
Maybe telling the one talnarin who hates my entire existence is just the right person for the job. I don’t have to worry about the useless pity from him. I don’t have to worry about the useless attention and comfort. Perhaps he’ll just brush it off like I need him to. Perhaps he’ll blame me for it all like I need too. Because now, there’s no one left to blame me for what I did to the ones I love. No one but me.
Without warning, I turn and plop myself in the dirt, giving my back to Malik and Zeke. I squeeze my legs into my chest and plant my chin on my knees. My voice cracks so I clear my throat and try again.
“Living in a tiny village is so suffocating, stifling, so to pass the time I’d read my books. They always made the adventures sound so liberating and great. So, I’d dream. I’d dream of a time where I could wander beyond the borders. I’d dream of a place far from home. I’d dream of a happiness I’d never find at home.
“I thought I’d see it all one day. I wanted to so badly. Then, I thought that I could prove myself to the villagers and my family. If I just left home for two days and came back, everything would be so much better. The village would stop talking about Them. The village would stop talking of never leaving. I really thought I could change things, that I could change my life.
“I remember it so clearly, like it was just yesterday.” My mind slips back to the past as I envision it all. “It was beautiful day in the village. The sun was shining and there was a soft breeze that rustled the flowers that littered the soft green grass. Mintas made their way to the fields for the fresh vegetables, arcons pestered the bakers for scraps, and the povios buzzed about the grass in search of nectar. The sky seemed to be more blue than normal, with only a few white clouds to float in the sky. It was a warm day despite the time of year. Winter had just come to a close, but spring was so impatient, coming a little sooner than usual. I walked through the village, a soft song playing in my head. It spoke of new beginnings and happy times.” A slight smile graces my lips.
“I took it as sign that it was meant to be. A sign that everything would turn out okay in the end. Because the song was on repeat in my head for weeks. No matter how hard I tried, it was stuck. So, I embraced it. It made me hasty, or maybe that’s just what I tell myself. I started to plan my great adventure. A short one, just enough to show the Elders how wrong they were. I thought we’d be safe.”
The smile slips from my lips as the words leave my mouth. “I waited for the sounds to fade and the fire to die. Once the house was asleep, I slipped away. I crossed the line they forbade us from crossing. It was liberating. The feeling didn’t last, though. Soon the lights came. The lights were so pretty, like lighting flashing in the sky. A stirring in my gut warned me away. I intended to abide by it, but They found me. I couldn’t escape, They were stronger than me. They did things I never thought were possible. They had abilities I didn’t understand.”
My breath catches ever so slightly. “They locked me in that small metal box where I couldn’t see the sun. Then, they would drag me the other metal room. This one wasn’t empty but I wish it had been. The metal bed was cold and hard. The beeping from the machines was irritating. They strapped me down and injected me with poison. At first, I felt nothing.” I inhale a shaky breath. “Then the agony came. It was like my insides were melting little by little.
“Screaming never helped. Neither did crying. I tried to beg, but They hit me. It went on and on. Time was a blur with no sun. It was always the same. Time in the little box and time on the table. Over and over again.” I breathe in a shaky breath. “Then He let me go.
“I was so stupid. I was so tired and hurt and I just wanted to go home.” Distantly I feel hot tears stream down my cheeks. “It was just a game, though. I see that now. I shouldn’t have gone home. If I didn’t, maybe it would have changed something. Maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I stayed away. But I went. I needed to. I saw them again. It felt strange at first, the hugs, but wonderful, too. It’d been so long since I saw them, since I touched them. Since I touched anyone. Their scent was so familiar once, and yet now I can’t recall what it was like.”
I run a hand through my hair. “It hadn’t mattered that the villagers feared me then. Because the ones I loved didn’t, they still held me and comforted me. That was all that was important. It didn’t matter that the others threw rocks at me. Because the ones I loved protected me. It didn’t matter that the others shunned me. Because the ones I loved still loved me.”
My voice cracks. “I was so stupid. So, fucking stupid. I really thought I was free. But They took them all away from me. Those bastards took the villagers. Everyone. Children, women, even babies. No one was spared. And so, I was back in my metal box. This time was different though. It wasn’t just about my survival. I had to protect them from the pain. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t even save myself. I was weak and powerless. I was pathetic. And I hate myself for it. If only I’d been stronger. Then things would have been different.” My voice deepens. “I still hear their screams that echoed inside my tint box.
“My routine broke. They dragged me to the pit. The change terrified me. I knew it meant awful things were going to happen. But I didn’t understand then what was so wrong. But… I found out too soon.” I suck in a lungful of air.
“Monsters were tossed into the pit. They tore each other apart. They used their hands, their teeth, their fists. They used anything. It was gruesome. It was disturbing. It was terrifying and I had to watch. They made me see it all. Then They threw me in, too. I had wondered why these things seemed so familiar. The monsters wore the faces of those I’ve lived with since birth. The grotesque and broken monsters were friends and neighbors. They tore at me. I screamed. I hit. I cried. I saved myself. I killed them. I killed them all to save myself. To live another wretched day, I killed them.”
I hastily wipe the tears from my cheeks. “I did well. Or so They said. They had a reward for me. I got a treat. They brought me to four other small metal boxes. The first one held my brother. But, he didn’t look right. Next was my father. Something was wrong with him too. Then came my mother. Same as the others. Last was my little sister. She looked worst of all. The loved ones I was supposed to protect were broken.” My voice cracks. “Something inside me broke then, too.
“I got sent to the pit, over and over again. Faces all familiar. I killed them, too. Then I’d get my reward. I hated my reward as much as I loved it. To see them alive kept me going, but to see them worsen each time broke me. Every visit meant they looked more monstrous. It terrified me.
“The time finally came. I knew it was coming but I feared it all the same. My family was thrown into the pit one by one, and I had to watch like it was a show. They tore into each other brutally. No recognition in their eyes, just hunger. I watched as my baby sister ripped apart my mother. I watched as my baby sister ripped apart my older brother. I watched as my baby sister ripped apart my father.” This time I don’t bother to wipe my tears.
“I’d sworn to protect her growing up, you know. She was the baby after all. Sensitive, like our mother. Kind and gentle. Still a kid with a full life to live. The one I swore to protect above all else is gone. And I killed her. They threw me in when it was obvious she was the last one standing. They expected me to end her. They expected me to kill her.” My voice breaks. “I couldn’t. I was broken. She tore my skin as I laid over the mangled bodies of my family. I chose to waste away with them. But They wouldn’t let me. I was too great a prize for Them. So, He killed her. I can still see her head rolling into view.” My voice sounds dead and distant in my ears.
“I was distantly aware that I was back on the table. It was my punishment. They said I couldn’t kill the failure because I was weak. A failure myself. A failure that needed to be corrected. That’s what They call them you know. That’s what They called my family. That’s what they called my baby sister.” I feel the rage building under my skin as I rattle on. “It made me angry. It made me furious. I wanted to kill Them and I wanted Them to hurt. I wanted them to Burn.”
The rage climbs to dangerous levels as I go on. “So, They did. I burned Them. One by one, they turned to ash and I enjoyed it. Watching them scream in agony was still not enough justice, so I burned the prison to the ground next. I was outnumbered, though. They hurt me and I ran. Not all of Them died that day. The one I wanted to kill the most survived, so I swore on that day I would kill Them all. Especially Him. I will torture Him slowly until his head rolls just like my sisters did.”
In seconds, I’m on my feet and rushing at Malik. I note a look of surprise and if I’m not mistaken,
pain, in his eyes. But I ignore it as I grab the front of his shirt in my fists and pull. I scream in his face. “You took that from me! You ruined everything! He was right there and you ruined it!” Malik simply stands there and takes the verbal abuse I spit at him. So many emotions run across his face, far too quickly to decipher.
I roughly push him away but he just remains still. It’s like pushing a boulder for fucks sake. I can’t stand it anymore. I turn around and march off into the two other talnarins now standing before me. Not in the mood, I push at the nearest one harshly and snarl, “Move.” He doesn’t budge. Just as I’m about to scream profanities at him, he glances up and quickly moves aside. I don’t take the time to figure out what just happened. Instead, I stalk off and walk until I’m sure enough distance stands between me and the talnarins.
I draw to a sudden stop and plop down, back against a tree. I allow myself the time to come to grips with everything that just happened. He’s gone, and He said He’ll come for me soon. That thought terrifies me. Not to mention I froze like the coward I am as soon as I heard His voice. I couldn’t even think properly, it was like my mind just shut down in terror. I thought I’d improved, grown, gotten stronger. But I haven’t, not one bit.
I felt as powerless against Him today as I did when I was prisoner here. I trained so I could have a fighting chance against Him and it was useless. All of it was useless. Gambling my life on the hope those at Craforian wouldn’t kill me, gambling my life that Malik would let me live long enough to get here, and gambling my life that I could kill Him. Useless.
I didn’t stand a chance. I couldn’t call my fire, the thought never even crossed my mind. Instead I relapsed and fell right back into my memories, my fears. What was the point? What was the point of my journey in the first place? What was the point of training at Craforian? What was the point of running from there at the first sign of danger? What was the point of stinging Malik along on the possibility of revenge? What was the point in telling him everything?
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