by Gahan Wilson
‘I had the most charming black tights you could imagine; a pretty, silver-plated set of picks and jimmies; and a lovely cape with a hood and a special pouch to hold the loot. I could climb any wall, was soundless on the most fragile roof tiles, and was able to squeeze through openings which would have defeated the most agile full-grown second-story thief.’
‘Were you ever caught?’ I asked her.
‘Once,’ she said. ‘It was in an exquisite château, perfect of its kind, and beautifully furnished. I had made my way easily to the inner chamber that was my goal when the beam of my flashlight played across a gorgeous Gobelin tapestry showing rabbits and birds playing in a bower of flowers. I stood entranced at the sight and did not hear the countess coming up behind me.
‘She held a golden, jeweled pistol, very small but very serious, and she pointed it expertly at my heart. She had caught me in her treasure chamber, the very fulcrum of her power, and there was no mercy in her eyes. Make no mistake, she could and would have killed me then and there but for my stratagem.’
‘What was your stratagem?’ I asked.
‘I wept,’ Athenee said. ‘I wept like a frightened little girl would do until the countess relented and lowered her gun and patted my head. She was a lovely lady, somewhere in her nineties, and very fragile, but I knew she was very tough and probably only used that fragility as another weapon, as I had used my tears.
‘She fed me crunchy little cookies which came from my favorite shop in Nice, and a potful of cocoa to wash them down, and the two of us talked all night long. I told her more than I had ever told anyone in my life, enough to guillotine my father many times over I’m sure. She consoled me for my loneliness and held me close and told me secrets, too: how sad she was that she’d given a child away in her youth, and how pleased she was that she’d poisoned the late count at last and nobody had ever found her out.
‘When the dim light that comes just before dawn showed the edges of the trees in the château’s garden below she gave me the tiara my father had sent me to steal, saying it had come from a wicked family after all and she was glad to be rid of it, and besides, it was fully insured. Then she kissed me on the forehead and called me by a baby name that I think meant a good deal to her, and I left.’
By the time dessert was finished and we were stirring our second cups of coffee, Athenee and I had worked our way through a number of things that needed going into and, once we’d done all right with those, we admitted that we’d missed one another pretty badly and that we believed we might work things out after all, given half a chance, and that led, naturally enough, to my reaching out and taking her hand.
‘I wondered if you were ever going to do that,’ she said.
‘So did I,’ I said, ‘but not much.’
‘Why did you waste all that time being Mr Bowen in Elmsville, John?’ she asked.
‘I grew up in a town like that,’ I said. ‘Even in a house like that. I guess I figured I’d started peacefully and maybe I could end peacefully. Probably it was silly.’
‘And then that Mr Ashman turned up and spoiled it all for you,’ she said.
‘But here we are together again,’ I said. ‘So maybe Ashman’s not so bad, after all.’
‘One should never speak of the devil,’ said Athenee, and I turned around at a touch of my shoulder to see Ashman looking down at us.
‘Sorry to disturb you,’ he said. ‘Particularly because you look like you’re enjoying yourselves. The president’s ready to see you and Bone, Weston.’
Before we separated, Athenee and I worked out a time and place to continue our conversation that evening if my country didn’t need me all that much, and as Ashman spirited me away from her he ran over how his exploration and elevator-cementing expedition had gone.
‘There were things down there I don’t want to think about,’ he said. ‘Particularly the creature we found that had forced itself partway up the shaft, the one you only just got away from. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen anything with a mouth that ran all the way from its nose to its stomach.’
‘Were there any survivors at all?’
‘None we’ve found so far, but we won’t stop the search until we’re absolutely sure, take my word for it. This city’s tough enough without refugees from those tunnels roaming the streets.’
Whatever their other faults, the agency’s timing on this maneuver was perfect, as Bone was coming down the hall just as Ashman and I emerged on the top floor, so when the door to the Presidential Suite was opened, by three marines this time, we all made our entrance together.
Hewliss and President Parker had been seated head-to-head at the big coffee table but when they saw us the two of them rose smiling, just as smooth and slick as I’d seen them doing it on tv at dozens of photo opportunities.
‘We really appreciate your taking care of this problem, Mr Bone,’ said the president, after Hewliss had performed the introductions. ‘Ben’s told me how you foiled that hidden elevator plot, and of the important difference your spotting that flying saucer made, and I’m happy to say he’s assured me that with your help we’ll track down the evil men responsible in no time at all.’
Bone threw a sidewise glance at Hewliss that was not exactly overloaded with gratitude, then returned to gazing respectfully up at Parker.
‘I am honored by your confidence in me, Mr President,’ he said, ‘but concerned by the extent of your optimism. All Mr Weston and I have done so far is to force the Mandarin to abandon an elaborate lair, and to deprive Spectrobert of a highly successful restaurant; but these evil men, as you so aptly described them, including the Professor—who, so far as I know, we have not even inconvenienced—are still very much beyond our reach, sir, and remain a grave, continuing danger to yourself.’
‘Ah, but you’ve got them on the run,’ said Parker, putting a large, friendly hand on Bone’s shoulder and never even noticing how skillfully Bone covered his wince. ‘With you at their heels, these fiends won’t be doing much more than trying to cover up their trail. They’ll be out of action.’
‘They are as accustomed to being pursued as I am to pursuing, Mr President,’ said Bone. ‘It is a regular condition with them. Regretfully, I can promise you it won’t reduce their scheming.’
Parker studied Bone for a minute, shifted his large jaw in thought, then removed his hand and shrugged.
‘I guess you’re the one who should tell Mr Bone, here, about the purpose of my visit, Ben,’ said Parker to Hewliss. ‘I think he’ll probably take it better from a fellow professional.’
Hewliss looked at the president, then at Bone, then cleared his throat.
‘Well, sure enough. I guess that makes sense,’ said Hewliss, working his mouth over which words to start with. ‘You see, Mr Bone, the thing is, there seems to be a little bit of overlap in your investigation and what the president’s come here to do. Nothing serious, understand, but something that might give you concern, so we wanted to be the ones to tell you about it, because, do believe me, it is very important to us, important to the president himself, that you stay on in this business, and fully active, as there are very few people in law enforcement who are as capable as you, or as well informed about these terrible people—hell, most of ’em never even heard of the bastards—and I know your preliminary findings have made some connections between Waldo World and all this business—tentative, though, we understand those connections are strictly tentative—so we wanted you to learn from us, personally, that the president intends to visit the place, Waldo World, that is, to commemorate the activation of the President Parker Waldobot since he feels, rightly, I think, that the creation of the thing’s a real honor and that the American people have a right to see the actual president there when it’s turned on. We didn’t want you to pick all this up from just anyone.’
There was a little silence during which both President Parker and Hewliss shifted but Bone remained perfectly still, and then he broke the silence by moving absolutely nothing but his mouth.
‘If I had not committed myself irrevocably to this project, I would now withdraw from the affair,’ Bone said. ‘Unfortunately for me, I am bound to it.’
He studied the fancy ceiling, trying to find a little calmness up there I guess, rubbed some wrinkles on his forehead at random, tugged at a wattle, and transferred his gaze to the president.
‘I assume from Mr Hewliss’s remarks, since he would not have made them otherwise, that you are determined beyond any possible argument on this expedition to Waldo World, Mr President,’ he said. ‘But permit me to say that the connections we’ve uncovered between that place and these evil men—I employ your apt term again—are not as ephemeral as Mr Hewliss posits, but solid enough to give me the sincerest apprehension as to your safety, sir, during such an adventure.’
The president smiled and raised his hand as if about to touch Bone’s shoulder again, but some sixth sense must have warned him that that might have really been too much, so he took hold of his own lapel with it instead, like a statue of Lincoln in a park, and spoke, like a statue of Lincoln in a park would speak if it could.
‘I’m afraid that sort of thing goes with the territory, Mr Bone,’ he said, putting on a brave but humble expression. ‘You can’t be president these days and not expect some risk during any public appearance. So far I’ve managed to sidestep the really serious bullets, and, with the help of good people like yourself, my luck may continue to hold.’
Bone linked the fingers of his hands together in his lap, which is next to the worst sign there is, but I was relieved to see the thumb tips were pressed together. It’s when the fingers are linked and the thumb tips are tapping that you know you’ve got where Bone calls ‘beyond the pale.’
‘Do not make the mistake of confusing these creatures with the befuddled loonies who ordinarily commit assassinations, sir,’ he said. ‘Besides, the deeper I go into this business, the more I have increasing doubts that their objective, so far as you are concerned, is assassination at all. I think they wish you worse than sudden death, Mr President.’
I noticed Hewliss look up at him with considerable interest at that, to almost ask a question, and then decide to let it go for now. Bone waited all that out and continued.
‘Let me describe to you some of the spectacular cruelties which have set these men apart from the common run of villains, sir, in hopes I can alert you to the depth and ingenuity of their malice and perhaps dissuade you from this reckless visit.
‘The Mandarin, for example, in the process of developing a deadly fungus with which he intended to destroy an entire African tribe whose leaders had balked at his orders, tested it out by scattering it on the grounds of an isolated Swiss orphanage. Unfortunately for the children, the spores did not kill them but only softened their bodies, including their bones, and the survivors are rolled about to this day like mollusks in wheeled shells since the mold has the unfortunate side effect of indefinitely extending the lives of those it deforms. The Mandarin thought the progress of the infection too delicate for its intended audience and lacking in dramatic effect, so he disposed of the tribe more sensationally by means of pouring lava over them from an artificially contrived volcano.
‘The second of this diabolic trio, the Professor, once developed a sonic device which had the peculiar virtue of being able to incinerate living flesh without in any way affecting inanimate objects. The drawback of his invention was that it could be only crudely localized—small things like banks were too confined for its powers—so the Professor burnt the entire population of a wealthy Bavarian village without damaging any of their township’s valuables, and then had his minions loot the entire place, including every last pocket and purse of its smoking inhabitants. On his second try, in Alsace, his men were reduced to chunky ash along with their intended victims and he abandoned further use of the apparatus, though the instant incineration of a famed savings institution in Zurich some years ago leads me to suspect he’s still tinkering with it.
‘The third member of the group, Spectrobert, is perhaps technically less sophisticated than his vile partners, but he may be the wickedest of the lot. An instructive frolic of his, and I give it this latter description because it totally lacks any motivation save pure viciousness, took place in France between more serious engagements. He descended quietly on one of those small traveling circuses as it was playing its family matinee for a hamlet of Provence one summer afternoon, and while part of his fearsome armed gang surrounded its exterior and covered all its exits, he and the rest of his apaches stole into the tent, took up a position in the center of the tiny circus’s one ring during the entrance of the parade of clowns, and, at a signal from Spectrobert, who was wearing a particularly gaudy ringmaster’s suit along with his usual black mask, the place was flooded with a simple gas composed of fierce irritants laced with a leisurely but deadly poison. For the next half hour Spectrobert and his band of rogues—who had all previously swallowed a substance which protected them from the gas’s effect—enjoyed the sight of what the poor townsfolk did to one another as panic and the increasing agonies produced by the poison vapors turned them slowly into maniacs mercilessly clawing at their neighbors and relatives in furious and futile attempts at escape. In the end, most of his victims killed one another, just as he had hoped, and almost none of them survived to die of the gas.
‘It is a great misfortune for the human race that these three singular monsters, who have heretofore always stalked their prey alone, should have joined forces. The idea that their diverse, sinister abilities and mad ambitions are combined is appalling, particularly so far as you are concerned, Mr President, since you appear to be the specific target of this ghastly assemblage. Even if the connection between these beings and this absurd Waldo World were as tenuous as Mr Hewliss maintains it is, and I assure you it is not, it would be folly for you to chance walking into their maw. I beg you to abandon this project!’
President Pat Parker produced a thoughtful expression, held it for a brief moment, and then replaced it with a look of steely determination.
‘Mr Bone,’ he said, ‘I won’t pretend I’m not moved by what you’ve just told me about these dreadful people, but I’ve given my word to Art Waldo that I’d come and visit him, and he’s counting on that, and I don’t break my word. Hand me that box, Hewliss.’
Hewliss reached under the table and passed a basket-ball-sized box to the president, who rested it on his lap.
‘I don’t like to make speeches,’ Parker said, with a perfectly straight face, ‘but Art Waldo is an important kind of person, not just to the kids—although it matters that a lot of them will grow up better citizens because of his cartoons—but to all of us, because he’s a living, breathing symbol of what this great country’s about. If going to visit Art’s wonderful family-entertainment center because he wants to honor me is taking a chance, well, I’m proud to do it. That’s what being the president’s all about. But, Mr Bone, that’s not all this visit is about!’
He began opening the box in his lap.
‘This trip doesn’t just concern a public appearance, Mr Bone,’ he said, reaching into the box and taking hold of something resting inside of it, just out of sight. ‘If it were just that I’m sure that Art, once he knew about the possible dangers, would be the first to say, “Stay away, Mr President, stay away!” No, this trip concerns something which may improve not only the conditions of my watch in the office of the chief executive of these United States, but that of every other president to follow in my path.’
Smiling earnestly, Parker slowly lifted the contents of the box into full view. It was, with a matching smile, a perfect duplicate of his head, except the hair was a little mussed. Bone’s thumb tips began tapping.
‘If I brave this present danger, Mr Bone,’ said Parker, ‘there is no way of estimating how many future dangers I, and other leading public figures after me, can avoid, because this device, or rather the complete one which Art Waldo is going to show me, is so incredibly more advanced
than any of the previous presidential models that it has become far more than a simple device to provide entertainment. It may be the key, for me, to a whole new way of life.’
He leaned over to make some adjustments to the head which made it frown and wink one eye and then he looked back up at us, smiling, proudly.
‘Say, what do you think of that?’ he said.
‘As you say,’ muttered Bone, ‘incredible.’
‘Marvelous, isn’t it?’ said the president. ‘Imagine the dangers which will easily be averted by the simple substitution of one of these machines for me in a motor parade, for example, or the opening of an airport or a bridge. Why, I’m assured it will even be able to deliver minor speeches! And that’s not all, Mr Bone, that’s not all. Do you know how much valuable time I waste because I have to greet unimportant delegations each and every week? Not just obscure third-world potentates—I can accept that, I can even see its necessity—but groups of children and old people and pet lovers and I don’t know what all with their scrolls and trophies and funny little models somebody’s built in their basement and that fall apart when they hand them to me in front of all those cameras. Do you know how many Indian bonnets I have to pose in? How many times I have to stand there shaking hands with everybody in the room?’
He fooled with the head again, bringing back its smile and opening its eye, then he jiggled it on his knee, looking at it the way a father looks at his favorite baby.
‘The things I’ll be able to get done, Mr Bone,’ he said, sighing deeply. ‘The peace I’ll have.’
Bone nodded grimly, stood, gave a tight little bow, and since I had made it my business to be right by his side, we walked slowly out of the room together, leaving the president with his heads.
— 13 —
I WON’T TAKE COMPLETE CREDIT for getting Bone out of there before something unfortunate happened. I’m sure there was a lot of luck involved or I couldn’t have done it at all, but it did take considerable skill nevertheless.