by Gahan Wilson
‘L-U-C!’ it blared at us, full volume, far louder than it had done when standing on its pedestal, welcoming all those families, all those kids, ‘LOOKIE AND SEE!’
‘He blundered onto the dingus that starts off the “Lucky Duck” song!’ I said.
‘How extraordinarily droll,’ murmured Bone. ‘How absolutely perfect. He must be furious! He must be raving!’
I saw Athenee swinging gracefully from the duck’s tail like the greatest trapeze artist ever, and then, with a smile and a wave, she dropped out of sight.
‘She’s thrown you a kiss, Weston!’ cried Bone, clapping me on the shoulder. ‘You mustn’t let that girl go, old chap. You really mustn’t, you know!’
Now the duck began jumping clumsily from side to side in a kind of mad jig, heaving the Mandarin helplessly back and forth inside its little green hat.
‘K-Y-D!’ the duck sang, this time even louder, even more enthusiastically, and the Mandarin, in a last frantic try at control, was flailing at every button and lever within reach, but it only made things worse, and all attempts at correction only made things worse yet, and in the end the duck took off seemingly totally on its own on a crazy, zigzag waddling.
‘YESSIR, BY GEE!’ the duck howled gleefully and, impossibly, even louder, as the Mandarin hauled at yet another wrong lever which sent Quacky stumbling off away from us in the direction of the high cliffs overlooking the river.
‘That’s done him!’ said Bone with a totally satisfied chortle. ‘That’s finally finished him off!’
‘I’M QUACKY!’ bellowed the duck, easily kicking its huge feet through the high fence that walled off the rest of the world and shuffling across the highway with its stalled cars and their stone passengers, ‘I’M QUACKY, THE LUCKY DUCK!’
Then it stuck an enormous wide-spread webbed orange foot into empty space, tumbled with a grin over the edge of the high palisade, bounced from one rocky collision to the next, and finally landed with a loud, echoing belly flop onto the Hudson with its bill deep into the water. So if it was doing any more singing, it was only for the fishes.
— Epilogue —
WALDO SURVIVED, as did his new eyes, so we’ll have a chance to see if they work as well as the Mandarin claimed they would. He’ll go to trial of course, but we’ve all testified, the president included, that his brave wild run at the end probably saved our necks, and that should help.
Bone thought about it and decided not to look at whatever Spectrobert’s face was, either, in spite of years of curiosity, and the French government had him buried in the cemetery of Père-Lachaise in a very French gesture which I kind of liked, but nobody went along with my suggestion of using him for the monument.
The Professor’s body created a lot of confusion amongst the California Highway Patrol, but after a few explanations from us, his body was autopsied and his clothing and ID were found neatly sealed inside his outside.
Nobody in officialdom was all that bothered when they didn’t find a trace of the Mandarin’s body. They pointed out that the duck’s head had been split wide open by its tumble over the cliffs, and patiently explained to us how that gave the strong river currents a chance to sweep the corpse away, but Bone and I both wish we could have seen him dead.
The president was really pleased at not being kidnapped and turned into a zombie, so he asked Bone if he wanted any favors and first Bone said he didn’t, and then he thought it over and said that so long as the government had ruined my retirement, the least it could do was to set up another of my choice, and I said that would be fine, but they’d have to include Athenee in any plans for me.
They did, and it’s all very secret, but because this is just between you and me, and since we’re friends, I figure I can go so far as to tell you that the south of France sure beats the hell out of Elmsville.
GAHAN WILSON’s cartoons have appeared in Playboy, The New Yorker, Gourmet, Punch, Paris Match, and The National Lampoon. The monumental Gahan Wilson: 50 Years of Playboy Cartoons was published in 2010. Ash-Tree Press will also be publishing an eBook of Gahan’s The Cleft and Other Odd Tales. Put quite simply he is a genius.
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