“You just said you always admit—”
I raised my hand like I was swearing on a Bible. “I swear on Valentine Ward’s life that I’ve never slept with, banged uglies, touched butts, rubbed naughty bits, grunt and humped, or fucked Veronica Lee.”
“Oh . . .” was all Vicky could say, eyes wide. “Then where did Veronica go to?”
I shrugged; this one was actually a little guilty about the way I was playing with the truth. “T-Bone, I need to talk to you . . . urgently.”
He peeked at his smart phone. No idea where it came from. His dick is so big it probably wears a fanny pack. “Day of Brawn starts in a couple hours. Can you leave for now and talk to me about it in the Welf box?”
“No.”
T-Bone nodded towards Vicky. “Don’t be like that.”
“It’s more important than you ravaging Vicky some more.”
“You mean ravishing.”
“Not with that thing it ain’t. Tell me, do you have to claim it as a dependant on your taxes? Or does it make too much money?”
Vicky stood up on the bed, comforter sliding off her. The spectro-bloom dissipated. I was left with a quick glimpse at Welf ta-tas and everything else she had beneath, including a particular well-shaved blond landing strip.
I jerked my head to the side. “Blarg!” I yelled, having a stroke.
“I’m a woman, King Henry.”
“Blarg!”
“I have needs and wants and you’re interrupting them.”
“It’s important!”
“Look! I have breasts!”
“You do not! Don’t say such things!”
“I cleaned up every bodily fluid imaginable last night,” Vicky continued, “from you, no doubt. I walked in on you and found you passed out drunk, tied to a bed, with underwear on your head. We closed the door. We waited with worry for you. We realized we quite like each other and we quietly went to this room so we wouldn’t wake you.
“We didn’t barge in, start making cock jokes, and hang around to demand things from you!” she finished with a bit of temper.
“Vick—”
“If you don’t leave this room, I’ll start yelling ‘vagina’ at the top of my lungs and pelvic thrusting in your direction!”
“Okay! Okay!”
I slammed the door shut behind me.
“This shit keeps getting worse . . .”
Session 153
“You’re just telling me about this now?” T-Bone whispered, hands reaching out to actually grab me by the coat and shake me. “Are you insane?”
“No . . . she’s insane. That’s why I need backup. That’s why I’m telling you,” I reminded him. “And I seem to remember someone nodding along when Vicky gave her I Have Needs speech and was throwing her titties around to drive me backwards out of the room.”
“They’re really nice, King Henry . . . I like them.” He frowned at himself. “She’s really nice, King Henry, I like her.”
“Yeah, well, since we can’t tell her brother about it: if you break her heart, I’ll kick your ass, T-Bone.”
“Stop calling me that.”
“Not while we’re in the shit! When we’re in the shit I need T-Bone the Stormcaller, not Tyson Bonnie the computer geek!”
We were outside the arena, people filing through behind us to go inside for the Day of Brawn. The crowd was excited after yesterday proved so successful. Brawn. Lots of weights and fights and who knows what else incoming. The Tsar had them all eating out the palm of his hand and Vega’s casino was making bank with all the betting going on. They train you on that shit at the Asylum, of course it all carried over to real money once you graduated.
“I’ve considered the situation and you’re not thinking clearly,” T-Bone decided.
“What’s there to think about? Vick’s one of the nicest people I know, your big black wang is a ravaging monster of epic proportions—”
“I meant the Isabel thing!”
“Oh . . . yeah, I’m totally fucked in the head on that one,” I admitted. I watched a group of Coyotes walk by. Hey, remember when you were just worried about Vega trying to revenge skullfuck you? Weren’t those the days, sweet summer child?
.
.
.
I watch too much TV.
“What kind of shit world has a guy deal with this crap when he’s still trying to get over his girlfriend telling him to fuck off?” I complained to everyone, but T-Bone was the only one listening, and even then just barely. “I ain’t over that, then I got to deal with Vega, then I got to deal with Welf, now I got to deal with Isabel. All while my gay friend is still in the fucking closet, my other friend is banging a girl I’ve always viewed as a surrogate sister, and god damned Eva is running around chasing a ‘shadow’ whatever that all means. This is bullshit, man!”
T-Bone blinked. He raised his hands towards my coat to give me another shake, stopped, and then tried again with words, “Listen, she’s only a corpusmancer—”
“That’s like saying I’m only a geomancer . . .” I followed that thought to its conclusion. Right, that makes perfect sense. So . . . whatever a Maximus was—cuz telling me is so illegal and difficult, stupid ass Learning Council—if ever a corpusmancer was one, then it was Isabel.
Good job, Mancy. Give huge ass mysterious powers to the crazy chick. And to me—maybe—if Inanina and Pwent are right about me . . . you really hate people, don’t ya? What’s next? Paine end up being one? Mordecai Root? Shit, why not everyone that wants to kill me?
T-Bone slapped me upside the head.
My turn to blink. “Da fuck?”
“Get your crap together! You’re starting to freak me out!”
“I’m sober, I’m engaged, I’m dealing with the problem—”
“You had sex with your rival’s girlfriend all on some hunch she might be an escaped prisoner!” T-Bone pointed out.
“Which she was . . .”
“Instead of being decisive in a fight, you hesitated and got beat up worse than I’ve ever seen you beat up!”
“I don’t know about that. I’ve been pretty beat up before . . .”
“You didn’t even think about using a conjuration beside your iron fist idiocy you always use as a first tactic!”
“It’s usually effective . . .”
“Nor did you use any artifact against her besides your SDR!”
“Okay . . . that’s a fair point. Although, most of them were with my pants in the other room.”
Yeah. Not my brightest moment. Smashed head first into the wall, Price. Time to sap the bitch down to size the way you usually do it.
“Okay,” I repeated more firmly, “I’ve got my crap together. I think.”
T-Bone nodded at the change in my stance and expression. “Not quite, but at least you don’t look like you belong in a padded cell. Also, since I brought up your artifacts, I hesitate to say anything since you don’t need more on your plate . . .”
“Spit it out, you’re not helping.”
“Your GOB acted very strange when I picked it up last night.”
I put a hand on my belt. “Strange how?”
“Moving and sort of clanking on its own. I think it’s malfunctioning. You might want to take it off.”
I squinted at the belt, trying to recall if I put it on before or after Mini had disappeared from his table.
You little bastard. You better not have.
“I’ll deal with that later.”
“But—”
“Later!”
A plan.
I didn’t have a plan.
Might feel a bit more calm with T-Bone on my side, but I was still edgy. I watched more people enter into the arena. A pair of guards noted me standing there watching, but didn’t approach me to ask for a ticket yet.
“Another question for you: where are Pocket and Jesus?” T-Bone asked.
“They decided they’re spending the day backstage with Jason. They invited us, but . . . ya know, having to prote
ct Welf from his psycho girlfriend kind of throws a wrench in any of our plans to have fun this week.”
“Couldn’t they help?”
“They’re a faunamancer without his dogs and a floromancer without his ferns, man. They’re just bodies and when it comes to bodies, Isabel wins. You, me, Welf, Vicky, and Isabel in the luxury box. Keeps the collateral damage to a minimum when she puts up a fight. Wait for our opening. Only way it makes sense.”
T-Bone nodded, seeming a little glum. “Nice to know I’m on the acceptable collateral damage part of your friendships.”
“Ain’t that . . . it’s the opposite. Always the opposite with me. I know you can handle yourself, so I told you—lightning bolts and all that—plus what you did in Los Angeles for me. Pocket and Jesus . . . they’d be there for me if I called, in a heartbeat, but it might be their last heartbeats, ya know?”
T-Bone face brightened a little. “Oh. I’m . . . happy you feel that way about me now.”
“Yeah, just try not to get your ass knocked out like Annie B managed last time.”
“I doubt Isabel is—”
I wagged a finger at him. “Don’t. She’s just as tough, if not tougher. Unlike Annie B she ain’t got no morals about only keeping the one shell neither. We let her slip out of this and she can come back as anyone. Can be anyone. Can sound like anyone. Fakes other people good enough to fuck their boyfriend without them ever second guessing.”
“We should have safe phrases,” T-Bone decided.
“Hoping it doesn’t come to that.”
“Still haven’t heard any plan.”
I tried to think up a plan again.
Nothing.
I eventually shrugged. “Don’t get killed and be ready?”
“For what? I don’t like this subterfuge. Victoria deserves to know. Even Welf deserves to know. Although I do have to admit he is kind of a jerk.”
Man, T-Bone called Welf a jerk.
That’s like me calling you a motherfucker.
“Yeah, well . . . the Asylum started it all. So lies is the world we live in.”
“I’m not cut out for lies,” T-Bone complained, motioning for us to finally enter the arena and head for the luxury box, where Isabel would be waiting. “Not having to spy for Ceinwyn is such a weight off my shoulders . . . I never want to do that again.”
Hard to argue with that.
[CLICK]
Isabel as Veronica Lee wasn’t just sitting next to Welf; she sat in his lap.
She had changed into a blue dress, same simple look almost, but with a belt of golden plated disks overlapping like snake scales, and a thick double necklace made from some type of metal lacing.
She smiled up at Welf when we entered. “See, Heinrich, your friends have arrived safe and sound and you can stop worrying about them.”
Welf smiled back at her, hands on her waist to keep her slightly—but not all the way—upright. “Not my friend,” he whispered to her, “just my charge for King Vega’s favor.”
She twined her hands around his neck, using it to lean backwards. A slight glance out of the corner of her eye at me. “Whatever they are, now that it’s out of the way I don’t want any more fussing today. No matter how cute it is, the way you worry is just harmful to your health.”
“Nice to see you too, Welf,” I put on a show for their sake. “Try not to slobber too much when you two start making out, might make me throw up.”
Isabel gave a Veronica Lee party girl giggle. “Make sure you hit the trashcan then,” she announced before locking some lips on Welf.
I moved on away from them, T-Bone following behind. “How can we do anything if we can’t get her away from him?” he whispered. “We should tell Victoria!”
“No.”
“She’s very intelligent and can get through to her brother, she’s—”
“Not the innocent girl I remember arriving at the Asylum as a Single, yeah, figured that one out a long time ago. Plus, ya know, walking in on you two and seeing the outline of your cock pushing outside of her stomach like it’s some Japanese porno helped just a little bit too.”
“I thought you weren’t supposed—”
“Just tentacles, I can joke about all the rest . . . which ain’t nearly as fun, let me tell ya.”
“And it’s not that big. You’re exaggerating.”
“Has a girl ever seen it and run away from you?”
“ . . . only once.”
“Point fucking made.”
“We should tell Victoria.”
“Vicky cares more about protecting us or her brother than she cares about stopping Isabel,” I stated.
“Don’t you?”
“After last night? I’m not sure.”
“King Henry,” Isabel called, “can you make me a rum and coke and bring it to me? I absolutely refuse to take my attention away from my Heinrich today, even for a moment! He’s too worried about Jason and it’s my mission to lighten his mood!”
“Where is Victoria?” T-Bone worried. “The Day of Brawn’s about to start and she said she would be here. If she did anything to Victoria, then I’ll—”
“While I hate to admit it, she seems to like you quite a bit, since I never took her for a first day into the bed kind of gal—”
“Oh, she’s not . . . neither am I, it’s just . . . it was such a nice talk and the way we fell asleep and then when we woke up and gazed into each other’s eyes and . . . one thing led to another.”
Gag me that it’s a grown man saying those words. “Figure she took a shower, then she had to decide on the perfect clothes to wear to impress you and then she has to decide on the perfect jewelry to wear to go with it, then she’ll get nervous at seeing you again for the first time—”
“That sounds adorable! I’ve never had a woman think about me—”
“Yeah. Yeah. You love to love your love, I got it. Figure she’ll be thirty minutes late. I wanted Welf unconscious and Isabel tied up by then. Only Isabel is being difficult with this clingy act.”
Across the luxury box, Veronica Lee’s face came up for air after another long kiss with Welf.
“What’s gotten into you?” he muttered at her, sounding amazed and a little bewildered.
“He made a pass at me yesterday,” she whispered back, loud enough to be heard, “so I’m having my revenge by letting you mark your territory right in front of him. Don’t you like it?”
“You have to stop when Victoria arrives,” Welf managed to get out. “It’s not proper.”
“But we can still cuddle, right?”
A smile around another kiss. “We shouldn’t . . . but if you must . . .”
“Get a fucking room!” I again played the game and yelled out.
“It is our room!” Isabel yelled back in a giggle.
I turned back to T-Bone. “Can you believe this shit?”
“She can’t keep it up forever.”
“We hope.”
So why is she doing it? some part of me bothered to ask, a part more aware than the rest of me, that had gotten over Val’s breakup instantly, was never ruffled by the possibility of Vega trying to kill it, and as far as Isabel was concerned only had a single desire: to smash her face in again.
The deepest part of me.
The earthquake part.
I fingered my SDR, felt my Cold Cuffs in a pocket.
Gonna be different this time, even if you have a hostage. No pity this time, Soto Crazy.
“Time’s on our side,” T-Bone said.
[CLICK]
Pocket called about then. ‘Dudes’ were said. He promised to keep an eye out for anything fishy, but said it was pretty nice down there at the moment. I made him give the phone to Jesus.
“Everything really okay?”
“Big man threw up a little. Welf gave him a call earlier that calmed him down. Wanted to know if he should come down, but Jason told him to fuck off a lot nicer than you tell your friends. Could learn a thing or two from him, El Rey.”
“Fuck off, Jesus.”
“See, you give raw.”
“Way you like it.”
“Not from you though.”
“Some stuff is going down up here. Shouldn’t need you guys, but if I do call, bring some dogs and some ferns, okay?”
[CLICK]
Vicky arrived an hour and a half late.
Which meant she was either straight up in love with T-Bone and frantic over how to dress to make the best impression—please, no, I can’t handle this romcom shit on top of everything else—or she had to make a stop in the emergency room for them to staple her vagina back together.
Vicky frowned at the teenage snogging session, blinked, consulted her Welf Family Code, realized it would be rude to break it up, and moved past them. At least the Construct hasn’t joined in yet. Vicky pointed over her shoulder as she sat down next to T-Bone. “What the flippin’ heck?”
“Uh . . .” T-Bone responded.
I gave her a don’t-give-a-crap shrug.
“What did you do?!?”
“Uh . . .” T-Bone continued.
“Not you, dear,” Vicky said, patting him on the shoulder, “I know that shrug of King Henry’s and it’s his guilty shrug.”
“King Henry won’t let me tell you something important,” T-Bone rushed out.
“One time and you’re already pussy whipped?” I complained.
“I’m not . . . that,” T-Bone muttered, not looking at anyone in an attempt to not choose sides. “I’m just . . . infatuated with a very lovely woman. Like you were with Valentine—before she stomped on your heart again.”
Vicky smiled at him like he’d said every word perfectly. I noticed she had on a far more expensive and far more elegant black dress than she did the day before and that it showed off her butt quite a bit better too. Not just jewelry with normal gemstones also, but with tiny spectro-crystals of black and silver that would’ve gotten her in trouble with the Learning Council if she wore it among mundanes. “I’m . . . infatuated with you too, Tyson. But I’ll keep from throwing myself on you like dear Veronica. Although . . . if I did, then that would manage to snap brother out of being a fool, wouldn’t it?”
The Foul Mouth and the Mancy Martial Artist (The King Henry Tapes Book 5) Page 27