For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse.
It was at that moment that Lucy fully realized what a remarkable husband Matt would make. At what point had she decided to see him solely as the brother of her best friend and later as her own best friend? When had Matt’s kindness and humor and appeal been draped with this dreadful cloak of denial? She wondered if there was one specific day or a single fateful moment when her future happiness had been stabbed to death by the appalling dagger of her own defiance.
What have I done, she asked herself now as she waited for Justin to come back from the kitchen. Lord, what have I done?
“Okay. This is hot, so be careful.”
As Justin handed her a mug of coffee, Lucy decided to set Matt aside for the time being and focus on how in the world to tell the man before her that she wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship.
“I’m so glad you invited me in when I brought you back,” Justin told her as he sat down beside her on the sofa. “We so seldom get any time together, just the two of us. And I was hoping to talk to you about where we go from here.”
There came that queasiness again.
“Well, Justin, I’m interested in discussing that, too,” she began. “I don’t really know how to say this to you.”
“You don’t have to say it,” he said, taking her hand. “I think I feel the same way you do, Lucy.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Honestly, I do.”
“Justin. You don’t.”
He tipped his head curiously and narrowed his eyes at her. “I don’t?”
“No. I’m sorry, but you don’t.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Justin, this is all my fault,” she said. “You are such a wonderful guy, and when I started to get to know you, I thought God had done something really amazing by bringing you into my life at just this time.”
“See. That’s how I feel, too.”
“But the thing is…just because you’re handsome and funny and wonderful…well…that doesn’t automatically mean that you’re the right guy for me.”
He winced. “It doesn’t.”
“No. And I’m so sorry about it, too. Frankly, I’ve been working my tail off to convince you that I’d be the right woman for you, and the truth is, I’m not.”
“But we have so much in common, Lucy.”
“Do we? Because I don’t think we do.”
“We have our faith.”
“Yes. We have that.”
“And we both love the outdoors.”
“Right there,” she said, tapping her finger on his hand. “The outdoors. The thing is, I’m not really an outdoorsy type of girl.”
“But you—”
“Justin, I went fishing, and I wanted to hurl. I went on a hot air balloon ride, and I actually did hurl! I don’t really like horses except from a distance, and small, confined spaces like those caverns you crawled around in make me want to scream and pull out all my hair. The only things I’ve really enjoyed about the outdoors on this whole trip were the s’mores.”
Justin laughed at that and then lowered his eyes and fell silent.
“Snowball. It’s a good name for this place,” she said softly. “Not just because of the freak snowstorm, but because I haven’t been showing you my true self, Justin. I’ve been showing you someone who doesn’t exist, and those efforts have been snowballing out of control ever since we arrived.”
“Why?” he asked her. “Why did you feel like you had to do that?”
“Well, I blame you,” she stated, and she broke into a full grin. “You’re so wonderful. And I wanted you to think I was wonderful, too.”
“I do.”
“But you’ve only seen the version of me that I wanted to show you. The real me? I would much rather camp out in a four-poster bed at a five-star hotel than out here in the great outdoors. If I’m going to ride a horse, it’s going to be in the carriage it’s pulling. And Justin, I hate wearing tennis shoes every day. I’m one of those peculiar girls who actually feels more comfortable in a pair of heels. I’m a true girly girl, Justin.”
“Really?” he asked.
“Really,” she said with a nod. “I miss my four-hundred-thread-count sheets and my Egyptian cotton comforter more than I can possibly explain to you. I’m just not the woman I led you to believe I am. And I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
“You know,” he told her thoughtfully, “I saw all that when we first met. You know, that you were a little too femme for my usual taste. But you just impressed me so much with your willingness to try anything, even when you were obviously failing miserably.”
Lucy let out a laugh at that. She hadn’t realized he knew just how miserable her failures were!
“And when I kissed you, I just—”
There’s no need to bring up the kiss! Please don’t make me tell you that it didn’t cut the mustard. Pleeeease.
“—really thought there was something going on between us. It seemed like you were feeling it, too.”
In what hemisphere?
“Oh, Justin. I’m sorry.” It was all she could think of to say. “Forgive me?”
After a long moment of consideration, he nodded. “Of course.”
“Thank you. I hope we can still be friends.”
He fell back against the couch, clutching an imaginary arrow in his heart.
“I know, I know,” she said on a giggle. “But I really mean it. I do want to be your friend.”
He rose up again and gave her a smile. “It couldn’t have been easy to say the things you’ve just said, Lucy.”
“Well, no. It wasn’t,” she replied.
“I appreciate your candor. I don’t like it. But I appreciate it.”
Father, please forgive me. And help me.
No matter how hard I look at it or from which angle, I can’t for the life of me figure out what caused me to pursue Justin like a bloodhound after a fox. Well, probably because he is a fox. And that makes me feel incredibly shallow.
This whole week I’ve been willfully ignoring a nagging feeling deep down inside. And if I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that we can’t make good decisions solely based on emotion. Or on physical attraction and butterflies in the stomach.
I guess the bigger issue at the moment is the realization that You had already brought me someone who meets all the criteria You set out in Your Word about what love is, and I looked right past him. For years, I haven’t seen the blessing that You set out before me. Really, what is wrong with my vision?
As I listened to Rob read from First Corinthians, Your words formed a sudden lightning bolt that shot straight into my heart. There was no “feeling” or “emotions” about it. Just certainty and assurance. And now I know that I know that I know. I love Matt, and it’s too late.
What have I done?
Please help me to stay out of Matt’s way. He deserves to find love. He deserves to be happy. He said to me, “You don’t meet a girl like Wendy very often,” and he’s right. She’s extraordinary. She’s everything I would wish for Matt, except, of course, for the fact that she’s not me.
Looking at it from every conceivable direction, it’s so clear to me that I came to this realization about my own heart just a week too late, and I have no one to blame but myself. That crushes me. But even though it seems unbearably unfair to me, I can’t overlook the fact that it would also be unfair to Matt and Wendy for me to speak up now and rock the whole boat.
So I’m going to do something that doesn’t come easily or naturally to me. I’m going to shut up and see what happens.
It’s the right thing to do. But not the easy thing. Please help me. My heart feels extremely fragile right now, like one good sneeze could shatter it and blow it all away.
The thought of Matt finding someone else just when I feel like I’ve found him…it aches. It just aches.
Not enjoying the pain so much,
Lucy
Chapter Twenty
LUCY WIGGLED HER ANKLE UNDER THE COVERS, STRETCHING IT FIRST in one direction and then in the other. Poking it out from under the blanket, she lifted her leg up in the air and held it there. The swelling in her ankle had gone down considerably, and it wasn’t as sore as it had been.
When she heard the front door to the cabin swing open, she kicked her way back under the blankets and flopped over on her side to face the wall. Burying her head into the pillows, she clamped her eyes shut. Then she remembered that the lamp was still on, so she rolled over again, flipped it off, and tossed herself back to her side.
Her heart pounded. Bump-bump-bump-bump. She willed it to quiet down as she laid there pretending to be asleep. Just as it started to comply, she heard Wendy and Matt whispering on the other side of the door, and the thumping revved up again. Her heartbeat was so loud in her own ears that she couldn’t make out what they were saying or if they were saying anything at all.
She realized that she was holding her eyes shut with such force that she was creating tiny fireworks in the darkness behind her lids. As she struggled to relax, she imagined what was going on out there in the silence that screamed at her from the other side of the door. The sparklers returned as she tried to shield herself from visions of soft caresses and tender kisses.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, she repeated to herself, but Matt and Wendy burned the insides of her eyes.
The front door thumped shut, and the switch of the yellow lamp clicked. Lucy strained to hear faint footsteps padding across the floor on the other side of the door just before it creaked open.
“Lucy? Are you awake?”
She held her breath until Wendy sighed and closed the door behind her. Fabric swooshed, shoes klunked gently to the floor, and blankets ruffled until Lucy felt certain that Wendy had settled into bed. Delicate hints of white flowers and citrus made their way throughout the room, and Lucy made a mental note to check the perfume bottle on the bathroom sink in the morning to find out what mellifluous scent Wendy wore. It reminded her of summer, even in the middle of an autumn snowfall.
Lucy forced her thoughts elsewhere. She wondered about Lois back at the Conroy, how the Leary wedding had gone, whether the caterer had remembered to keep cilantro out of the menu. At last she heard Wendy’s breathing grow deeper, and she waited for several more minutes just to make sure. Then, with as much care as she could muster, she slid out from beneath the covers and planted her feet into the slippers that waited on the floor next to the bed.
Sans crutches, Lucy limped a little as she crossed the bedroom. She grabbed her bathrobe from the hook and gently eased out into the living room, closing the door behind her.
She pulled back the drapes and peered out into the dark night. Cupping her hands against the glass, she tried to see if it was snowing again. It didn’t look like it, but she couldn’t tell for sure. After a moment, she lifted a chair from its spot in the living room and set it down in front of the window. Drawing her knees upward, Lucy circled her legs with both arms, rested her chin on her knee, and stared out into the darkness.
It’s going to be a very long night, she thought. But tomorrow, I get to go back home.
What’s new. R u back yet.
Matt read the text from George and hit reply.
Back later today, weather permitting. Will call.
A voice mail from Lanie told him she was stuck in Chicago: “Isn’t it too early for this kind of snow? You have no idea how cold it is here.”
Oh, I have some idea, he thought as he snapped his watch into place and zipped up his jacket before heading out the door.
Matt saw his breath in a thick cloud before him as he crunched along the snow-carpeted path down the hill to the girls’ cabin. The steps up to the door were slick, and icicles hung in tapered formation from overhead like spiky decorations. He was careful not to knock too hard so they wouldn’t fall.
“Morning, Matthew,” Wendy said with a wide grin when she opened the door. “Can you come in for just a second?”
“Sure.”
Matt stepped just inside the door while Wendy layered a couple of sweaters on top of one another.
“I sure do wish I’d brought a coat,” she told him as she buttoned the last one. “I’m padded enough to play a game of football.”
“I think you look cute,” he replied. “Like the Sta-Puff Marshmallow Girl.”
“Just the look I was going for.”
She picked up her bag from the counter and then placed a hand on Matt’s shoulder and gave him a peck on his cheek.
“I’m starving,” she said.
“Where’s Lucy?” he asked. “Should we wait for her?”
“She was already gone when I got out of the shower this morning.”
“Really,” he stated. “That’s so unlike her.”
“Probably meeting Justin.”
“No, he’s still sacked out.”
“Hmm,” she said, “I don’t know then.” She broke into a wide smile. “Let’s go eat breakfast.”
Matt noticed the crutches leaning against the wall by the bedroom door. “She couldn’t have gone too far,” he said, pointing them out.
“Oh, you’re right. Ready to go?”
Matt nodded, and he followed Wendy through the front door.
“Watch your step,” he told her. “It’s slippery.”
Wendy reached out for his hand and then held on to it all the way down the hill to the lodge as she entertained him with accounts of her students and the art class she’d taught a few weeks prior.
“I’ve never been away from class this long before. I didn’t anticipate missing the kids as much as I do.”
“I’ll bet they can hardly wait for you to get back.”
“Well, I think that’s true, but only because Mrs. Donnelly is the substitute, and she’s a little strict for my preschool crowd.”
Wendy’s laughter was melodious, and Matt found himself feeling a little sympathetic toward the kids in her class. If he’d had a teacher like Wendy in his youth, he might have developed into a far more attentive student.
The minute they walked through the front door, Matt heard Lucy’s voice from the kitchen.
“Coffee,” Wendy sang, pointing at the table and heading straight for it.
“Go ahead,” Matt told her. “I’ll be right there.”
Poking his head through the swinging door, he found Betty Sue and Lucy at the island, Lucy’s face and clothes dusted with a layer of flour as she used a wooden spoon to kick up a cloud of it from a huge porcelain bowl.
“I see it’s been snowing inside, too,” he teased, and Lucy looked up at him with weepy eyes. “What in the world are you doing to Betty Sue’s kitchen?”
“Girl talk and pancakes,” Betty Sue answered for her.
Lucy wiped her nose with a corner of her apron and then grinned at Matt. “Banana and blueberry pancakes, with homemade macadamia nut syrup.”
“Good grief.”
“I know.”
“Need some help?”
“No boys allowed in my kitchen,” Betty Sue told him. “Now skedaddle.”
Matt raised both hands in surrender and retreated backward through the swinging door. The picture of Lucy covered in flour stayed with him, and he found himself grinning as he closed the space between himself and the table where everyone was gathering.
Wendy was already seated, and Brenda, Jeff, Alison, and Rob were there as well.
“Hot and black,” Wendy said as she slid a mug of coffee toward him. “Just how you like it.”
“Thanks,” he said and then turned his attention toward Alison. “So what’s on the schedule today? Any chance we’re going to get home as planned?”
“I think so,” she replied. “Dave suggested waiting until late morning so there’s time for the roads to be cleared and for the sun to help that along, but I think we’ll all be home in time for supper.”
“Great. I’m expected at a meeting of all the financial geeks to
morrow morning. And I’m the head geek.”
Wendy giggled at that, and they shared a smile.
“Is it my imagination, or is there something going on between you two?” Brenda asked, straight-out.
Wendy colored and looked at Matt. “Well, we’re getting to know each other better, and we’ll see what comes of that.”
Matt watched Wendy look away, and he thought how adorable she came off while being discreet.
“How about you and Jeff?” Wendy countered playfully. “It sure seems like you two are pairing off.”
The laughter that followed was fraught with expectation from the group. Matt wondered how Brenda would respond.
“Touché,” she said, and nothing more.
“Bren’s just bitter,” Jeff told Wendy, “because she foresaw you pairing off with Justin. And she just hates to be proven wrong. About anything.”
Brenda chuckled and nodded. “True enough.”
“Hey, here comes Lucy with a breakfast tray,” Rob announced. “Let’s place bets on whether it makes it to the table.”
“Rob, that’s just mean,” Cyndi reprimanded him, and Matt was glad that she did.
Shaking his head, Matt got up from the table and headed toward Lucy. He reached her as she placed the tray of scrambled eggs into the chafing dish.
“Your foot must be better,” he said as he reached her. “You left your crutches behind.”
“Yeah, once the swelling went down, I didn’t really need—”
“Luuuuu-ceeeeeee.”
They both turned to find Annie running toward them, and Lucy crouched down just as the little girl reached her and threw herself into her arms.
“Good morning, you,” Lucy sang. “How are you today?”
“I’m good. I didn’t sleep too long and I was up before everybody. Mama says I beat the sun up this morning. So she made me some hot chocolate and we played Go Fish! Did you ever play that? It’s a card game and you ask for a card and if the person doesn’t have it, you say, ‘Nope. Go Fish!’”
“I have played that,” Lucy told her, and she glanced at Matt with a smile. “It was one of my favorite games when I was your size.”
Love Finds You in Snowball, Arkansas Page 19