by Jake Bible
An ant got in my mouth, and I spat and spat and spat until my mouth was completely dry. Which made me thirsty as hell, and I wished I’d brought something to drink. That’s when I noticed the sound of the waterfall.
I blinked a couple of times, and the desert was gone. The ants were gone. I was still naked, though.
Before me was a huge waterfall stretching up as far as I could see. Yes, there was the void at the top. That was a given. The waterfall was not made of blood, so good thing there. Just regular water. Cold, misty water. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself.
I started to call out, then thought there was no point to it. There was no way anything could hear me over the roar of the waterfall.
The light around me felt like maybe it was twilight or dawn. It was that in-between illumination where everything is grays and blues. I could barely make out a narrow path ahead of me. It was made of small, smooth stones and led to the edge of the waterfall then disappeared behind it.
I followed the path. What else was I going to do?
The mist from the waterfall may have been cold, but it felt nice against my ant-bitten skin. I shivered with relief as the pain slowly subsided while I continued along the path. It was deceptively long. I had to have been walking for a good fifteen or twenty minutes before I came to where the path met the edge of the water.
The force of the air from the waterfall pressed against me like a cold, wet hand trying to keep me back. I leaned forward, hoping to see some hint of what lay ahead for me, but I couldn’t see anything. It was all just wet.
Before I knew what was happening, part of the waterfall snapped out and wrapped itself around my neck. My airway was instantly cut off, and I gasped and choked as I was dragged forward.
The waterfall hit me like a star cruiser at full thrusters. My body was pulverized. I felt my skin slough off and my bones disintegrate into dust. I tried to scream, but I had no air to scream with. All I could do was die.
“This is but a glimpse,” the Naked Snake Lady’s voice echoed in my head. “There will be more than this, Salvage Merc One, if you survive this far.”
The waterfall let me go, and I tumbled forever into the churning mass of water below. My body was already crushed and destroyed, so when I hit the surface, it really didn’t make much difference. Still hurt like fo, though.
I sank quickly and closed my eyes. That didn’t seem to work. Even with my eyes closed, I could see shapes swimming about me. They reached for me, they grabbed at me, they clutched at my still foing naked skin. My arms were pulled straight out, and my legs were splayed wide.
Then it came up at me. All teeth. So many teeth.
I screamed and swallowed half the water around me, but it didn’t matter. I was already dead. On some level, I knew that. It sort of just occurred to me and felt right. I was dead. So very dead.
But, dead or not, that was a fo ton of teeth coming up at me, so I kept on screaming.
Mgurn slapped me and there I was, back at SMC headquarters.
“Dude,” I croaked as I lay on the mess hall floor.
Then I started throwing up more water than a body should be able to hold.
Three
“I don’t need a checkup,” I said as Mgurn blocked my way out of the medical exam room. “Mgurn? Move. I’m fine. What I really need to do is go talk to the Bosses.”
“They told me to bring you here first,” Mgurn said. “They were very insistent that Scott take a look at you. It might have to do with the fact you were drowning without being in water. That worried them.”
“You know what? I’m not digging how buddy buddy you’re getting with the Bosses,” I said. “I’m Salvage Merc One. Me. Not you. Me.”
“Which there have been seven before you,” Mgurn said, crossing his arms across his carapace. “I am the only assistant, or any being for that matter, that has ever been able to remember a Salvage Merc One’s previous incarnation.”
“The Bosses know who I was,” I said.
“The Bosses are dead, Joe,” Mgurn said. “They don’t count.”
I stared at him and started to argue some more, but he was right. Not that I admitted that.
“I don’t how they are dead and still the Bosses,” I grumbled as I sat on the exam table. “Doesn’t make a lick of sense.”
“None of the Salvage Merc One process makes sense,” Mgurn said. “But it is what it is, Joe.”
“Joe?” Scott asked as he rolled into the exam room. He looked at Mgurn. “Mgurn, Joe Laribeau died. We’ve had this discussion.”
“Of course,” Mgurn said.
Scott had been a medic in the War. He saved guys like me when their limbs had been blown off and insides were dangling over their belts. Eventually, the odds caught up with him, and he’d been on the receiving end of some bad luck. The guy wasn’t eligible for battle legs like me, or even just normal legs, because he didn’t have enough left to attach anything to. Instead, he ended up plopped into a rollerball which doubled as not only his mode of transportation, but helped keep him alive by filtering all his bodily fluids and making sure he didn’t go toxic. It also had enough diagnostic equipment wired into it to make him a one-man rolling hospital.
Scott glanced at a chart, up at me, down at the chart, back up to me, then over to Mgurn.
“And who am I seeing today?” Scott said.
“This is Salvage Merc One,” Mgurn said. “He needs a going over.”
“Right, yes, Salvage Merc One,” Scott said as he looked down at his chart and chuckled. He looked back at me, and the chuckle stopped. His face grew puzzled, and he shook his head a couple times. “Uh…”
“Just do a foing workup on me and get this over with,” I snapped. “Apparently, I have some trial to be at or quest or whatever. The Gods have decreed it.”
“He needs to meet with the Bosses as soon as possible, so it is time sensitive,” Mgurn said. “No need to worry about who he is, just how he is.”
“Okay, I can do that,” Scott said as he tucked the chart into a slot in his rollerball. A hand scanner extended from a different slot, and he took it then rolled over to me. “Anything I need to know before I start? Any specific issues with your health?”
“I just had some waking nightmare where a bunch of desert ants ate me then I drowned under a waterfall and died right before a big-toothed monster came to bite off my junk,” I said. “Other than that, not much to tell.”
“A general exam will suffice,” Mgurn said. “Thank you.”
“Alright,” Scott said, looking about as confused as any person should look after being slapped across the brain with the crud I just said. “A general exam it is.”
His hand scanner started to do its buzzing and beeping thing. It was highly annoying.
“Headaches?” Scott asked.
“Constantly,” I said.
“Really?” Mgurn asked.
“I’m looking at you, buddy,” I replied.
Mgurn frowned, and Scott furrowed his brow.
“Irritability?” Scott asked.
“I believe his behavior has answered that,” Mgurn said with a huff.
“You know what, buddy?” I snapped. “I am sick and tired of—”
I couldn’t finish. My head snapped back, and my mouth opened wide.
“THE TRIALS SHALL BEGIN,” a booming voice that was not mine said from my mouth. “PREPARE OR PERISH!”
My jaw closed with a crack, and my head whipped forward so hard I bruised my chest with my chin.
“Ow,” I said.
“I don’t know how to diagnose that,” Scott said as he rolled backwards quickly. He looked from me to Mgurn. “I’m sorry, Mgurn, but this gentleman—”
“Salvage Merc One,” Mgurn said.
“Whoever you say he is, this gentleman is beyond my help,” Scott said. “The Bosses will need to handle this themselves. I have regular numbers with regular medical issues to take care of.”
“Nice bedside manner,” I grumbled.
“Can you at least give him something for being an ass?” Mgurn asked.
“Hey!” I snapped.
“That is beyond my area as well,” Scott said. “Perhaps he should seek counseling.”
“Perhaps he should,” Mgurn said “But I fear that his irritability and general bad moods are a symptom of the greater problem you witnessed.”
“What problem I witnessed?” Scott asked. He blinked a couple of times as he looked at me. “Huh…where’s your chart?”
“Never mind,” I said and hopped off the exam table. “We’re out of here.”
“But I haven’t started the exam yet,” Scott protested. “Salvage Merc…?”
“One!” I shouted as I leaned down and got right in his face. “I’m Salvage Merc One!”
“Come on, Joe,” Mgurn said as he grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me towards the door. “Time to see the Bosses.”
We were out of the exam room and pushing past confused numbers as we made our way to the corridor. I heard Scott call out, “Next!” as the door shut behind us.
“What a prick,” I grumbled.
“Yes, Joe, you were quite the prick in there,” Mgurn said.
“Me? How was I the prick?” I said. “I was talking about Scott.”
“I know you were, but you were wrong,” Mgurn said.
A few numbers walked by us. A couple of them nodded to Mgurn, but their eyes never even landed on me. Mgurn nodded back then gave me a long, tired sigh.
“Joe, there is something going on with you,” Mgurn said.
“Duh,” I replied.
“It worries me because while you had always been a tad testy at times in the past, you were never mean,” Mgurn said. “You are now mean, Joe. I do not appreciate it, but I also know that it is not the true you.”
“Nothing is the true me anymore, buddy,” I said. “I’m now Salvage Merc One.”
“Yes, yes, I am painfully aware of that since you say it constantly and never let five minutes go by without reminding me,” Mgurn growled.
“You keep acting like it’s no big deal,” I countered.
“That is not true in the slightest,” Mgurn responded. “I show great concern regarding your change. I also show great concern regarding your drinking. Not to mention your unhealthy obsession with Salvage Merc Eight.”
“Leave Hopsheer out of this,” I snarled.
“Yes, could you?” Boss Three asked.
I jumped, and Mgurn cried out as we found ourselves standing before the long table where the Bosses sat. The wall behind the Bosses was an open view of the spacescape outside SMC headquarters. Clusters of stars, the far-off nebulas of Golan and Gonal, ships coming and going. I ignored all of that and focused on Boss Three.
“Not cool,” I said, pointing my finger at him. “We were on our way. No need to pop us in here with a snap of your fingers.”
“You were taking too long,” Boss Three said.
“Much too long,” Boss Five added.
“I had finished my muffin and was bored,” Boss One said. “It was a bran muffin. I may need to excuse myself shortly. I’m quite regular.”
“No one needs to know that,” Boss Four said and gave me a small wave. “Hey, Joe.”
“Hello,” I said curtly.
“Rather brusk,” Boss Five said.
“Quite,” Boss Six said.
“That seems to be your default setting lately, Joe,” Boss Seven said.
“Does it? Huh, hadn’t noticed,” I replied.
“There is something wrong with Joe,” Mgurn said. “He is a jerk.”
“A Jirk? Oh, my, that’s not good,” Boss One said. “He’ll kill us and take our skins!”
“We’re dead,” Boss Two said. “We don’t really have skins.”
Boss One patted his arm. “Is that so? I must be hallucinating.”
“Not outside the realm of possibility,” Boss Four said.
“Cheeky,” Boss Five said.
“I did not mean he was a Jirk with an I, not a skintaker, but a jerk with an E,” Mgurn said. “A dick.”
“Oh,” Boss One said and squinted at me as he leaned forward in his seat. “No need to be that, now is there?”
“Why am I here?” I asked.
They all stared at me for several seconds.
The thing with the Bosses was that even though I was Salvage Merc One, and had my own set of extra senses, I still couldn’t quite make out their faces. I had no idea what any of them looked like. I could focus while I spoke to one of them, but the moment my attention was diverted, which was often since they never shut up or stopped talking over one another, the image of an individual face just faded away. Poof.
Which is what happens to everyone that runs into me, so I guess I know what they feel like. Except I don’t forget the Bosses themselves, just their faces.
“Did he just ask why he’s here?” Boss Three asked.
“I believe he did,” Boss Five said.
“I’m hungry for another muffin,” Boss One said and stood. “Can I get a muffin for anyone else? I believe there is blueberry as well as bran.”
“Sit down,” Boss Two said, patting Boss One’s arm. “We aren’t finished with Joe.”
“Joe?” Boss One asked then looked at me. “Hello, Joe! What a pleasant surprise. What are you doing here?”
“I was asking the same question,” I said.
“You were? Oh, dear, that’s strange,” Boss One said. He looked at his fellow Bosses. “Why is Joe here?”
“The artifact,” Boss Four responded. “It is acting up.”
“It wants to send Joe on a quest,” Boss Three said.
“With trials,” I said. “Or something like that. That’s what the Naked Snake Lady said.”
They all gasped, even Boss Seven, who was the newest Boss and my predecessor with the Salvage Merc One gig.
“Naked Snake Lady?” Boss Four asked. “A few meters tall, quite a few meters long, talks in riddles and lives in the side of a mountain behind a huge iron door? Is that the one?”
“Yeah,” I said. “You’ve met her?”
“Sheezus, Joe, we’ve all been trying to avoid her for centuries,” Boss Seven said. “This ain’t good, brother.”
Mgurn made a cross between a whimper and a strangled yelp.
“I need to sit down,” Mgurn said and reached behind him. There hadn’t been a chair there when we came in, but one appeared instantly as he collapsed into it. “Thank you.”
“I’m not as freaked out as Mgurn, but the fact you guys are telling me that Naked Snake Lady is not a good thing does make my bladder slightly weak,” I said.
“Do you need an incontinence pad?” Boss One asked. “I have extras.”
“You do not urinate,” Boss Five said. “None of us do. Why would you wear one of those?”
“Comfort?” Boss One replied, looking confused. “I think?”
“Yeah, I’m good,” I said to Boss One. “Thanks.”
I waited. They didn’t volunteer any information. I sighed and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands.
“Naked Snake Lady?” I said.
“Right, yes, sorry,” Boss Two said. “It’s just a shock that this is the quest the artifact has chosen for you.”
“We expected something soon, but not this,” Boss Three said.
“I had to pick wildflowers on Planet C for three days and three nights without stopping to sleep or eat or do anything else for my quest,” Boss Five said. “I’d do that all over again in a heartbeat rather than have to deal with…her.”
“You picked wildflowers?” Boss Two asked. “I was buried alive in molten lava and given a pair of titanium chopsticks and a straw. I could only use one of those to get free.”
“Which did you use?” Boss Six asked.
“The straw,” Boss Two said. “I still burp lava occasionally.”
“Naked Snake Lady!” I barked. “Who is she? Why are you guys wigging out? What are these trials or quest or whatever supposed t
o be about?”
“Calm down, Joe,” Boss Seven said.
“I don’t want to calm down!” I shouted.
Boss Seven was in my face faster than I could blink.
“Would you rather have a size ten boot up your ass?” he barked. Boss spittle splattered my cheeks. “Would you, Joe? Because I can make that happen.”
“No, sorry,” I said and took some breaths.
Boss Seven was back in his seat before I finished my sentence.
“Your boots are only size ten?” Boss Six asked. “They look bigger.”
“Wide feet,” Boss Seven said. “Optical illusion.”
The scene behind the Bosses changed from the external view to a vid of a smiling woman. She was gorgeous, full of life and energy. Her smile was dazzling, and her tan face was framed by a wild, bushy head of curly black hair.
“Alya Horne,” Boss Seven said. “She was to become Boss Four, but during her quest, she was cursed and turned into this.”
An image of the Naked Snake Lady came up.
“Yep, that’s her,” I said. “What kind of curse?”
“We don’t know,” Boss Seven said. “She never came back. The artifact left her and entered the current Boss Four when it was his turn to become Salvage Merc One.”
“I have a funny story about that,” Boss Four chuckled. “But now’s not the time.”
“The artifact left her?” I asked. “It can do that?” I looked down at Mgurn. “Did you know it could do that?”
“It was hinted at in the manual,” Mgurn said. He looked a lot better than just a minute before, but he was still obviously shaken up. “Joe? Did you not read the manual?”
The Bosses all leaned forward, eager for my answer.
“Yeah, sure, of course I did,” I said.
“Oh, he is lying,” Boss One said and stood up, his finger pointed at me. “Liar! Burn him!”
“I wish medication was an option for Bosses,” Boss Two said. “Could we maybe change seats? Switch it up a little?”
“No,” the rest of the Bosses replied.
Boss Two yanked Boss One back into his chair.
“If you haven’t noticed,” Boss Four said. “We are all men.”
“We were men when we were alive,” Boss Five said.