by Nikki Ash
December 1st
Bella,
What I want. I want to be our daughter’s father. No matter what happens between you and me, I want to be a part of her life. If you want Tristan to be her dad, it will be hard but I won’t argue. But I would like to be her dad as well. I can’t take back what I did or said, but once I get out of here, I am going to claim my daughter. I still kinda feel like my blood is tainted but I’m working on that. Ingrid is working on it with me. What she’s helped me realize is, we are given choices and I made mine and they led to shitty consequences. Even if I believe addiction is in my genes, I made the choice to turn to them. Now I have the choice to make it right and I am going to.
Marco
45
December 2nd
Bella,
Next question: You and me. I need to think about this.
Marco
46
December 3rd
Bella,
I’m still thinking. Please know it’s not about figuring out whether I love you or want you. It’s me figuring out whether I deserve you and should pursue you.
Marco
47
December 4th
Bella,
I met with Ingrid today and we discussed you some more. She asked me to talk about why I left... all 3 times. Fuck, Belles. Talking about it with her, I just want to say I’m sorry. I was such a fucking coward. I should have manned up. I should have talked to you. So, I guess now I will explain myself the best I can.
First kiss, you scared the shit out of me. You were only 15 and I know age shouldn’t matter but it does. In today’s society, it does matter. Before we kissed, I knew I had feelings for you and the kiss sealed my fate. I knew I was in love with you but I also knew I was older than you and didn’t want to mess up things with our families.
Second kiss, it wasn’t planned but I’m not going to lie. I went there hoping to see you. Then when that girl was flirting with me, I knew it was hurting you. I did it to hurt you. I wanted to push you away. I know that sounds fucked up but it’s the truth. Only instead I fucked with you by kissing you and almost taking you against the wall of the house.
Sex in the cabin. Fuck Belles! Best experience of my life. It was everything I could have ever asked for. You were amazing.
So why did I run OVER AND OVER again? Because I was scared. I was scared I wouldn’t be good enough. I was scared your dad wouldn’t approve. I was scared I would fuck up our family dynamic. I was scared to lose you. The problem is I lost you anyway.
Marco
48
December 5th
Bella,
Happy Birthday to me…This isn’t how I ever imagined I would be spending my birthday. Alone. Without family. Without friends. It makes me realize how badly I’ve messed up. How much time I’ve wasted. They celebrate birthdays in here by singing during lunch. There’s no cake or dessert, though. Fuck, is it weird how much I wish there was cake? Something to make me feel normal again. I didn’t even have a cake until I was 12. But then Hayley spoiled me with her made up half year birthdays, and I was given a cake twice a year. I would give anything to have a cake right now.
Marco
49
December 6th
Bella,
Today I am thinking about Logan. As I think about all my woe-is-me problems, like the fact I couldn’t have cake for my birthday, he is lying in a coma. Maybe my problems aren’t so bad after all.
Marco
50
December 7th
Bella,
I have decided that I am going to try. I am going to tell you how I feel, how much you mean to me, how much I need and want you in my life. I am going to apologize to you for everything I’ve said and done. I hope it’s not too late and you will give me a chance.
Marco
51
December 8th
Belles,
Ingrid just popped my bubble. She asked me a question I didn’t want to think about but she’s making me. What if I come to you and it’s too late? What if you don’t want me or need me? What if you are in love with Tristan? Ok, maybe that’s more than one question. First, if it’s too late… no, I’m not going to go there. I refuse to believe it’s too late. I don’t believe feelings just turn on and off so I don’t believe you would just stop caring about me. Now, if you are in love with Tristan… well that’s different. If I get out of here and you are happy, I promise you I won’t fuck it up. If I’m too late because you are in love with somebody else then I will live my life with regret but I will be happy for you because you deserve to be happy. But if you aren’t in love with someone else, I am going to do everything in my power to earn your love.
Love,
Marco
52
December 9th
Belles,
Remember I told you about that guy David. The one who is here because he was high and abused his wife? She came to visit him today. He came in the same day as me. It’s 60 days. I’ve been clean for 60 days and so has he. Today was family day. Since my parents visited for Thanksgiving, I didn’t tell them about today. Anyway, I was sitting outside when David’s wife came in. I watched her hug him and cry. I watched them talk and smile and laugh but the whole time I kept wondering if they will really be ok. Will he stay off drugs? Will she really be able to forgive him? Will he ever hit her again? It made me think about us. I didn’t physically abuse you but while I was high I yelled at you. I told you, you were dead to me. I hope you will forgive me. I promise you, Belles. I am going to do everything in my power to never get high again. I don’t want to be David and his wife.
Love,
Marco
53
December 10th
Belles,
I’m thinking about you today. I love you and miss you. I miss your brown hair and brown eyes, and your smile. I miss everything about you.
Love,
Marco
54
December 11th
Belles,
Today has been a rough day. I am missing my family, you, hating that I’m in here instead of making things right with you. The woman, the pregnant one I told you about a while ago. She’s 25 weeks and during lunch her baby kicked. It made me think about you (seems like most things these day make me think of you). I will never get to feel our daughter kick inside you. I wasn’t there when you found out the sex. I wasn’t there to get you ice cream like my dad did when my mom was pregnant with Mackenzie. I am missing out on everything! Fuck! I’m so mad right now. I did this shit! I DID THIS! You came to me and I pushed you away! I want to leave right now. I want to get the fuck out of here and find you.
Marco
55
December 12th
Belles,
I didn’t finishing writing the letter yesterday but I sealed it as is. Today is a new day. As much as I want to leave, I’m not. I’m going to finish these 90 days and find you.
Marco
56
December 13th
Belles,
I talked to my dad about leaving early. I couldn’t tell him why I want to leave so he didn’t understand. He told me I can leave whenever I want and he can’t make me stay. I knew that already. I’m here by choice. Of course, I’m staying, but fuck do I want to leave.
Marco
57
December 14th
Belles,
Ingrid can tell I’m getting antsy. She told me to make a list of everything I want to say to you once I get out. So here goes.
I’m sorry for running.
I’m sorry for running
I’m sorry for running.
I’m sorry for having sex with you and not remembering.
I’m sorry for doing drugs.
I’m sorry for telling you to get an abortion.
I’m sorry for yelling at you and telling you you’re dead to me.
I’m sorry for getting you pregnant.
Actually, I’m not sorry for that. I’m sorry for not being there while you�
��re pregnant and all the pain I’ve caused you.
I’m sorry,
Marco
58
December 15th
Belles,
Ingrid said there’s more to be said than just saying sorry. So, I’ve been thinking about what else I would say to you once I have you in front of me but I’m not sure. What I really want to do is kiss you. You are an amazing kisser. I miss how soft your lips are and the way you grip the back of my neck. I don’t think I would want to talk. I would just want to kiss you. Who needs words? I would probably just fuck up whatever it is I would want to say anyway.
Marco
59
December 16th
Belles,
I spoke with Mathias today. He accepted a job in San Francisco and will be moving in about six months. It’s through his dad’s architecture firm and he’s going to run the office up there. I hate that the last time he saw me I was high. I hate that he’s one of the few relatives I have left and I fucked it up. I apologized and he accepted. We made plans for me to visit one day. I was thinking maybe we could go together. I would love for you to meet Mathias. I’ve lived in California for almost 5 years and haven’t gone any further North than Los Angeles. I want to go away with you. I went to the Bahamas a few years ago with friends and it was beautiful. I know you went to New York with Tristan and that guy Mason. Maybe you can show me around? And we can go on new trips together. Like to Paris or Italy… I’ve never gone anywhere. Let’s go somewhere, anywhere, everywhere together.
Love you,
Marco
60
December 17th
Belles,
I have less than 3 weeks until I get out of here. That’s less 21 days. I can’t believe I’ve made it this long. I hope these next 3 weeks fly by.
Love,
Marco
61
December 18th
Belles,
The pregnant woman, her name is Heather. She went into labor today. It’s not good. It’s too early, I think. I don’t know how far you have to be for the baby to be ok but 26 weeks can’t be good. My mom said you are due January 30th so that would make you roughly 34 weeks. When I get out of here you will be 37 weeks. I hope I can make it right so I can see our daughter being born. But if not, I am praying everything goes ok. That she is born and you are both healthy. And happy.
Love,
Marco
62
December 19th
Belles,
Ingrid asked me about fighting today. I’ve spent almost seventy days in here and haven’t thought once about fighting. All my thoughts have been about you. There’s something you should know. I am never going to fight again. Fighting is what lead to the accident. It’s why Logan ended up in a coma. It’s what lead to my back being hurt and turning to drugs. It’s what kept me away from you while you’re pregnant. I loved fighting, Belles. But now it’s tainted.
Marco
63
December 20th
Belles,
Now that I’m not going back to fighting, I’m starting to freak out. What will I do once I’m out of here? I have some money saved from the UFC but it’s not enough to live on forever. Now I know why your parents are making you go to college. What if I can’t find a job? How will I provide for you and our daughter? I don’t even know who I am without fighting.
Marco
64
December 21st
Belles,
I’m not going to stress over the whole job thing right now. If I’ve learned one thing in here it’s to take it all one step at a time. One day at a time and that’s what I’m going to do.
Love,
Marco
65
December 22nd
Belles,
Maybe I could be a stay-at-home dad like Bentley. His ass loves being home. You could fight in the UFC and I could stay home. Unless you’re with Tristan. Let’s just pretend there’s no possibility of that.
Love,
Marco
66
December 23rd
Belles,
So, I spoke with my mom today and she mentioned you… She didn’t actually say it but I don’t think she thinks you and Tristan are together. I’ve always known my mom is smart, but I think she’s got super mom powers or some shit because I swear she knows something is going on. I guess we will find out in a couple of weeks.
Love,
Marco
67
December 24th
Belles,
3 years ago today we made love for the first time. It was the best night of my life. I can still remember the way you felt under me. The softness of your skin and the way we kissed for hours. I want to kiss you and feel you. If I have it my way, we will have a million more of those nights in the future. Happy Christmas Eve, baby.
Love,
Marco
68
December 25th
Belles,
Merry Christmas! My mom said they are in Colorado but you aren’t there. I guess you can’t fly because you are due soon. It made me think of the night we had sex. You still owe me $200.00. We never did discuss those payment options. I hope wherever you are and whatever you are doing, you are having a good Christmas. I am making this promise right here and now. I will never go another holiday without my family and that includes you and our daughter.
Love,
Marco
69
December 26th
Belles,
Heather is back. Her baby didn’t make it. Something about him going into distress. I don’t really know all the details. I hate to even write to you and tell you this but I had to tell someone. She’s so sad but she came back to keep getting better. I hope she gets better. I wish I was with you right now making sure you’re ok. I’m glad Tristan is with you, though.
Love,
Marco
70
December 27th
Belles,
In group today, the counselor said the relapse percentage rate for people who complete the program is 60%. That means I have a 60% chance of relapsing sometime in my life. I don’t like those statistics. I have lived in Vegas long enough to know the odds are against me. I need to be the 40%. I need to be it for you and especially for our daughter.
Love,
Marco
71
December 28th
Belles,
Thinking about you today. I often wonder what you’re doing on a random day. If you’re getting coffee with friends or shopping for the baby. Maybe you’re sitting on the couch looking at baby names. Christmas is over, so I imagine you’re taking the tree down while listening to Christmas music because you love hearing it even when it’s not Christmas.
Love,
Marco
72
December 29th
Belles,
I hate that in two days it will be New Years eve and we won’t be starting it together. I try to think back to the past, conjure up memories that will fill the void I feel until I can see you. I don’t think we have any significant New Year’s memories. I do remember one year, your mom had hidden the candy from you from Halloween and on New Year’s when all the adults were drunk, you found it and ate every single Reese’s in the bag. You spent hours throwing up and your mom thought you were drunk. Good times.
Love,
Marco
73
December 30th
Belles,
Today I have been thinking a lot about us (I know what’s new?). Remember when you were younger and all the boys wouldn’t fight you? They were afraid they were going to hurt you. So, I stepped up and fought you and even though you didn’t stand a chance against me, you fought like hell, giving it all you had. You were so strong back then… You are still so strong Belles, and our daughter will be just as strong. Never lose that strength.
Love,
Marco
74
December 31st
Belles,
Holidays su
ck in rehab. The food sucks. The company sucks. There’s no music or countdown. It all just sucks. I hope you’re having a good night…BUT not too good of a night.
Love,
Marco
75
January 1st
Belles,
Happy New Year. I’ve been in here for almost 90 days. I’ve missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. And all because I chose to do drugs. I’m never making that choice again. I have started to put it in my head, there’s a chance you and Tristan are together. I know I need to think about the worst-case scenario so I’m not disappointed but no matter what, I will never miss a holiday with our daughter. This year I’m making one resolution. To stay clean. If I can do that, I believe everything else will fall into place.
Love,
Marco
76
January 2nd
Belles,
I’m ready to get the fuck out of here. Like right this second. I’m sick of the uncomfortable fucking bed and the lack of privacy. I’m sick of missing you. I know I did this shit to myself. I KNOW this is my own fault. But I’m ready to get out of here.