by A. C. Wilson
Blake touched his chest and clenched his fist as he stared into Travis’s eyes. The whole tale was difficult to hear.
“The anger was like a tiger ripping and shredding everything that was good. I was so lost and I had no idea that I was pushing everyone away. I had never been a man of strong faith, but holding Tanner in my arms, I bargained with God to save his life. I even offered up my own in exchange.”
A tear slipped down Blake’s cheek and Travis stared. It looked so out of place on the tanned, soldier’s face.
“When that prayer was unanswered, I thought I would bargain with the very devil himself. It shamed me. The darkness was all consuming and I could feel it taking over. Suddenly I was a walking time bomb with healed injuries on the outside, but festering, puss filled sores on the inside. I was toxic and I don’t think I knew it until I went to Arlington. I lay crouched in the dirt at Tanner’s gravesite and there was nothing but grief, anger, and shame. I had no idea what to do.”
Blake paused, swallowing hard and then looking at his father as if the answer was sitting right there with them. Travis couldn’t look away. He fisted the covers and hung on.
“I can’t tell you when I consciously made the choice to pick up the photograph of you and my mother. I don’t know what put me on the road to Hot Springs or in the path of Rayne and Garrett. I do know that it saved my life. You saved me. You brought me home.”
The seconds turned into minutes with the emotion that crowded the hospital room. The men stared at each other with new eyes. Blake was home and he was safe. He was going to help the soldiers that fought the same battles. Travis was proud and he suddenly understood why Blake had come back. It was to save his father too. Hadn’t he told Garrett that there was a purpose and to hold onto the faith that kept them all going? Travis was tested and in the very moment he needed to hang on, he had nearly let go.
“Thank you for telling me that. I don’t think I completely understood until now.” Travis sniffed loudly and blinked his eyes. He felt rather exposed.
“There is a vast difference between empathy and sympathy. I didn’t know the difference until months ago.”
“So what do you suggest? What worked for you?”
Blake considered the question from his father.
“Equine therapy.” Blake’s cheeky grin brightened his eyes and it made Travis smile too.
“Really?”
“Why not use all the resources at your disposal? Home. Family. Love. Horses. It all fits.”
And it did. The above was everything that coursed through his blood and it had saved a number of men before him. It was getting back to his roots and understanding just how special they were before he was pulled away.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Johnson, I hear you are doing quite well.” Dr. Baldwin came in with his clipboard and imposing white coat. Travis offered a tight smile. Blake shook the man’s hand.
“When can he go home, Dr. Baldwin?” Blake asked, resuming his seat. Travis had wondered the same. Not that he hadn’t liked it here, but the stay was over.
“I was just looking through the charts and the recommendations from our specialists. The physical therapists are pleased with your progress. So I can sign the discharge papers and have you out of here in an hour.”
Travis looked at Blake and then back at the doctor like this might be a joke. No one was laughing.
“That would be great. You can ride back with me.” Blake smiled broadly at both Travis and Dr. Baldwin. Travis nodded.
“Good. That’s settled. I’ll go get the papers ready.” The doctor headed for the door and paused before he went out. “You have such a fine support system. I have no doubt you will make a full and speedy recovery.”
Blake moved about the room gathering the blankets, cards, and other odds and ends. It was starting to look bare when the day nurse came in with a stack of papers and a pen.
“Good grief!” Travis exclaimed as he took them from her. “Am I signing my life away?” He grimaced at the poor choice of words. The nurse didn’t notice.
“Right down to the last breath.” She teased as she took the leftover lunch tray and trash with her. Travis glanced at Blake who was shaking his head. Mercifully his son stayed quiet.
“I know. I know.” Travis mumbled as he began to read and sign his way through the stack. Luckily the pile ended before his hand cramped, which wasn’t all that unlikely considering he wasn’t able to sign like normal yet.
“I’m going to go get the truck. I’ll come back up once I get it into the loading lane.” Blake hummed as he packed out a full box. It was amazing what had accumulated in the room over the last few weeks.
“I just get up here and they are already kicking you out?” Matt asked as he strolled through the door. Harper was holding his hand and her little boots squeaked on the floor as she walked.
“Kicking me out? They were begging me to stay.” Travis smiled and sat the whole sheaf of papers on the rolling tray. Harper broke free from Matt and tried to climb up on the bed. Travis tried to help but his right arm wasn’t up for it.
“Papa! Papa! I missed you.” Harper cried breathlessly as she struggled up. Matt gave her a boost. She sprang into Travis’s arms and hugged him so tightly. Her little blonde curls tickled his nose.
“I missed you too, angel girl.” Travis loved the feel of her little warm body in his arms. He had loved her the very first day he had met her when Matt had brought Andy to visit. Harper had only been a few months old at the time. She was nearing two and completely full of mischief.
“Daddy says you sick.” She blinked up at him, her eyes so round with worry.
He nodded. “I was sick, but I’m getting better.”
Matt watched their interactions. His youngest child was an amazing father and had always treated Harper as his own. It was another star on Travis’s belt and he was thankful. Things weren’t as bleak as they had seemed before.
“Papa is getting ready to go home to Grandma.” Matt smiled and then yawned.
“See Grandma!” Harper yelled as she began to scramble back off the bed. Travis held her hand until she was firmly on the floor again.
“You look tired.” Travis observed as he pushed his feet off the mattress and planted his feet down. Matt lifted his eye brows and nodded.
“Regan is not sleeping all night again. I’m not sure who is more tired at the moment. Andy was trying to get her down so I brought Harper with me.”
“Your mom would probably love to see Harper.” Travis said as he struggled to get his boots on. Yet another challenge he faced.
“Mom hasn’t really seemed herself since the accident. I didn’t want to overwhelm her with Harper.”
Matt’s voice was unsure and sad. Travis wondered why he hadn’t noticed anything different about Lacey. He should have, shouldn’t he?
“So who is ready to blow this Popsicle stand?” Blake came tromping into the room and Harper squealed.
“Popsicles? Where?” She demanded as she hopped up and down in front of Blake. Matt shook his head when Blake looked at his brother with a grin.
“You should ask your daddy, Harper.” Blake grinned as Harper shot in Matt’s direction. Travis chuckled. He couldn’t help it. This was what he had been missing.
CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT
Blake coasted into the Crossing Pines yard with Matt’s truck right behind them. Travis was safely buckled into the front seat, but he wasn’t sure they wouldn’t take out the split rail fencing at the far end by the trees. He had never ridden with Blake and he wasn’t certain he would do it again any time soon.
“Home sweet home.” Blake smiled as he killed the engine looking rather triumphant.
Travis nodded. “Looks different to me.”
Travis was following the contours of the property and the snow drifted up around the trees, fence and buildings. Footprints tracked in every direction and it made his heart beat harder. Loud thumping beats that shook him.
“You’ve changed.” Blake’s words
were hushed, but they carried more weight. His father knew that he had suffered the same emotions.
“Everything continued to move on without me.” Travis’s throat ached with unshed tears. He was more a spiritual man than a religious one, but no amount of faith kept the shock at bay. “Why did I expect it to just stop?”
It was the question that people had been asking for a lifetime. A single being found it hard to wrap its head around their death and the world’s continuation.
“Let’s see if I can put this the best way I can.” Blake pursed his lips together and steepled his fingers. “Life the way we know it would have ceased to exist. Your family would have changed without you here, but we would have to go on.”
They sat there in the cooling cab of Blake’s truck and considered the words that had been shared. Travis was more and more aware of his mortality. At any time something could happen and it could be the very last thing he did.
“It is one thing to be a loved one left behind to grieve and it is quite another to be the one watching helpless from the side. I didn’t understand it until now.”
“You didn’t die.” Blake’s face shared his confusion and Travis wondered if his son would think him crazy if he told him about Rip.
“It felt like it.” He bailed on the whole story. “You were all standing there when I woke up and it was like I had miraculously come back to life.”
Blake nodded slowly as if digesting the story and maybe knowing that it wasn’t quite whole.
“Think of it as a rebirth into your old life. You have a chance to do some things differently and to cement the memory you want when you are gone.”
Travis exhaled. Blake’s advice sounded like something Travis’s father would have said to him. All the secrets and advice he shared with his children was observation passed down the generational line. Travis hoped he had the chance to give that gift to his grandchildren and God willing, he could gift it to his great-grandchildren too.
“You are definitely a Johnson, Blake. There’s no denying the natural wisdom that flows through you.”
“I’m glad that I have the chance to experience more of my heritage.” Blake clasped Travis’s hand and squeezed it. On that they could both agree.
“Shall we? No doubt Harper has alerted everyone that I’m home.” Travis smiled and pushed the door open. The cold November air hit with a blast and it burned his cheeks. He squinted his eyes against the cold and moisture gathered in the corners.
The snow had been packed down by the vehicles and the porch walk was clear. The bushes would be incredibly green in the spring from all the moisture. His progress was slow. Even the hard pack was slippery and Blake kept a careful closeness without being on top of him. For that he was grateful!
“I wish I had known you were being released today. I would have come and gotten you.” Lacey’s voice immediately brightened the sort of tunnel he was in. Travis stopped at the start of the porch stairs and leaned against the railing.
“I didn’t know myself.”
Lacey looked at him with something akin to pain. It made him ache in places he had thought were lost to the young man he had been.
“He was a bit of an ogre this morning anyway. Probably better Matt and I brought him home.” Blake winked and dodged a swat from Travis. It was all he could muster with the weakness of his right arm.
“Well if you guys get in here, I will get supper on. Harper informed me that she hasn’t eaten since breakfast.” Lacey turned back into the house only to hold the screen door open for them. Travis worked his way up the few stairs and with steady determination he made it into the house. The wood dining table gleamed with polish and it smelled like something between lemon and coffee. Travis glanced at Lacey and watched her scoot around the kitchen. She had been cleaning and not just tidying up. She was tearing into it all and eradicating every piece of dirt she could find.
“Do you want me to help you upstairs?” Blake asked, already hearing Harper shrieking in the downstairs toy room.
“I’ll take a seat in here. Your niece would love to play with you.” Travis locked eyes with Blake and the hint was logged. Blake bowed out gracefully and went in search of the others. Travis hoped he shared the need for privacy.
Lacey pulled a package of chicken thighs from the refrigerator and set them in one side of the double basin sink. She moved silently and efficiently as if she had been doing this her whole life. Travis smiled as he recognized that she had been doing this nearly her whole life. He had watched her waltz around their kitchen to create meals for their family and memories for the little ones.
“I hope you don’t mind chicken for dinner.” Lacey said absently as she picked up the bag of potatoes and sorted a few out onto the counter. She reached over to preheat the oven and then grab the colander under the sink. He watched her scrub the potatoes until the peels nearly came off.
Lacey took out the aluminum foil and wrapped each potato with butter, salt and pepper. His mouth watered for her home cooking. His arms itched to hold her against him. His stomach and his sexual desire always blurred the lines. It was difficult to figure out which he would want in what order.
“Do you remember the time you cooked dinner in the nude?”
It was out before Travis could even rein it in. It was nearly impossible to keep a straight face recalling the incident. Lacey didn’t skip a beat in her process and for a moment Travis thought she might not have heard him.
“Whatever possessed me?”
Her voice crept to his ears and that damn grin he had been suppressing flashed across his lips. He shook his head.
“I’m sure I don’t have any idea.” Travis caught her irritated snort at him and that was all it took to laugh out loud. “Didn’t you read somewhere that it was considered sexy for a woman to cook in the nude for her man?”
He couldn’t quite remember the logistics, but the thought that his shy, humble wife had done it was enough to keep the memory alive.
“Pshaw! Stupid girl.” Lacey refused to turn around, but he could feel the flame of her cheeks from over there.
“She was incredibly sexy. I hoped for years that you’d do it again.”
“Oh I’m sure you did. There were a couple of problems with that adventure.” Lacey put the chicken thighs on a cooking sheet to put in the oven. “One, I should have worn an apron. Two, they should have been specific about what foods to cook.”
That got a roar of laughter out of him. Travis clung to the back of the chair as he tried to pull himself together. Lacey stood there shaking her head, but she didn’t look as dire as she had a moment or two earlier.
“I can’t believe you remembered that.” Lacey blushed.
“The most beautiful wife a man could have standing naked in the kitchen cooking isn’t something I’m likely to ever forget.”
The memories flowed back like tiny bursts through a dam and then the dam breaking. It made his heart race and his head spin. Lacey must have suspected something. She put the chicken in the oven and then moved toward him.
“Are you feeling unwell?” Her eyes shifted uncomfortably as Travis caught his breath. He was in the process of sorting it all out when she touched his face.
“Not especially. I’m just remembering everything.”
“Everything?”
He had to watch the insecurity worry the contours of her face. He saw exactly what the boys had been talking about. She was falling apart. Dark circles underneath her eyes, her clothes hung on her small frame, and overall the fire that always lit his wife was non-existent.
Travis took her hands in his own and held them together in front of him. He was a breath away from her as he absorbed the telling silence.
“What happened while I was gone?” His voice was quiet and it cracked at the end. He cleared his throat without taking his eyes from hers. He wouldn’t let Lacey look away.
“I thought you said you remembered everything?” She was wary and broken. He could feel it as if it were his own wound.
“I can’t remember something I never knew. What happened?” Travis added a bit gruffer to convince her he wasn’t going to let it go. She couldn’t deflect this time. In many ways their daughter Nora was very much like her mother.
“I sat by your bed for two weeks not knowing if you were going to come back to me. Matt even had to threaten to throw me out if I didn’t come home.”
Travis closed his eyes knowing just how it would work if the positions were reversed. He applauded his son’s backbone in standing up to his mother and thinking of her well-being.
“I came home, Travis, but you were everywhere I looked. I remember walking in through this door for the first time as your wife.” She wiped her eyes. “I just didn’t know when I would walk out this door the last time as your wife or walk back through it as your widow.”
So it wasn’t just him that was contemplating his mortality. It didn’t surprise him, but he hadn’t thought of Lacey in that equation. Travis would feel her death bone deep as if he were dying too. Should it be any other way for her? They had spent nearly a lifetime together as one unit. They had loved and fought and raised a group of children that would go on to make the world a better place. Travis hoped the work wouldn’t be completed too soon.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think about what it would do to you.” Travis pulled her into his shoulder and she snuggled against his neck. The wetness of her tears made him sweat. Was this payment for being too happy? Was there a price for getting almost everything a person could ever want?
“I pray you never know it. It is beyond physical pain, but something I felt keenly in my soul.” Lacey’s blue eyes swam as she looked into his face. “I hoped that if you were to leave me that it would be swift and painless.”
“Ah, my love, it would never be painless. You can be sure of that.” Travis understood what was going on now. The foundation of their world had shifted leaving it vulnerable to fear and grief. He would have to do his best to repair it.
Lacey sat on his lap in the kitchen listening to the ruckus in the playroom. Clearly Harper was getting antsy to get away from her father and uncle.