I sprawled back onto the bed, not turned on anymore, but still tired and sated. “Yeah, I will.”
“There’s no rush, we’ll probably be in the pool for a while. Jack really likes swimming, huh?” Aidan said fondly. He came over the bed and kissed the top of my head, “See ya.”
He left and I stayed, frozen in place.
We’d just had sex, so a little kiss shouldn’t be a big deal, right?
But, I’d got myself so convinced that the sex was completely separate from us. This marriage wasn’t about love. It couldn’t be - because I’d never forgiven Aidan for leaving me.
That little kiss goodbye, chaste and dry, shook my world.
But…Now that I thought about it, I suddenly saw that Aidan had been touching me like that for days. There had been a hundred little touches, tiny gestures of affection that I’d ignored. I’d let myself believe him when he said that this wasn’t a real marriage - because as long as that was true, then I didn’t have to confront my own feelings for him - the way that just looking at him made me melt a little inside, but I never let myself melt completely…not when everything I felt was shot through with a hot tendril of anger for the way that way that he had shoved me aside five years ago.
I knew that I couldn’t simply forgive him for that.
I threw off the sheet, sitting up with a frustrated groan. Being on this yacht, being waited on hand and foot, it was easy to just let myself relax into this fantasy. To just bury my head in the sand and enjoy the luxury.
I got up and put on one of the swimsuits that Aidan had bought me in New York. God, I’d thought he was being so extravagant buying so much back in that boutique. Little did I know I’d be sailing to Europe on a mega yacht a few days later!
As I pulled the straps over my shoulders, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about what else we’d done in that Fifth Avenue boutique…The way that he’d fucked me in that fitting room, rough and hard and desperate, like he couldn’t wait another second.
Looking back on it, there was no way the salesclerks hadn’t known exactly what we were doing! I cringed, my cheeks feeling hot.
I picked up another item that Aidan had bought in that boutique - a floaty, comfortable cover-up dress that was perfect for sitting next to the pool.
The sounds of laughter and water splashing were so loud that I heard them the second I stepped out onto the deck - which was almost half the length of the yacht away from the infinity pool.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Mrs Stryker!” one of the women from housekeeping was standing just outside the door, a large pile of fluffy towels in her arms. I’d almost walked straight into her and she had to clutch at the towels so that they didn’t go flying. “I didn’t see you there!”
“That’s alright, it’s Carla, right?”
“Yes, Mrs Stryker. Is there anything I can get for you?”
Even though we’d been on the yacht for almost four days, I still wasn’t used to having actual servants take care of us.
“Please, call me Erica,” I said for what was probably the twentieth time. “Uh, actually, it would be great if I could have some coffee? By the pool?”
“Of course, Mrs Stryker!” Carla said happily.
“Thanks,” I said as she bustled away. When I got to the pool, Aidan was just helping Jack out of it. Lifting Jack out first and then slowly climbing out himself, the water dripping off the muscles of his chest. The sun was shining brightly, making each water droplet shine.
I stilled, watching him for a second before grabbing a towel from the well stocked rack.
“Mommy!” Jack grinned as soon as he saw me and came running, his wet arms spread wide and ready to hug me. I bent down, opening the towel and caught him up in it, rubbing his back a few times so that he would dry.
“Have you finished swimming already?”
“No, Daddy wanted to show me something. But we’re gonna get back swimming soon.”
“Really? Sounds like he must want to show you something pretty important, huh?”
I looked at Aidan for confirmation. He had wrapped a white towel around his waist, hiding his wet trunks, and he had another towel around his shoulders. The bright white of the towels highlighted the bronze glow of his tan. This was how he usually looked after going swimming with Jack…But I still hadn’t got used to seeing him walk around like that. His gleaming muscles on display, it would be the easiest thing in the world for me to reach over and touch him.
“Come on, you two, we’ll get a better view from over here!” Aidan said, padding away down the deck, still in just his two towels. Jack hurried after him, letting the damp towel fall to the ground, he was pretty much already dry and the sun was warm enough that he wouldn’t feel the cold.
I picked up the towel, throwing it in the wet towel basket as I followed after them. My curiosity was piqued too. What was exciting enough to get Jack out of the pool? I rounded the corner of the deck and saw, up in the distance, was land! It was just coming into sight over the horizon.
We had crossed the Atlantic! We were approaching the Mediterranean! That must be Spain, rearing up out of the ocean, our first sight of land since we left the States.
In my wildest fantasies about going on vacation to Europe, I had only ever imagined that I’d fly there! In economy class! It would be a nine hour trip, with no leg room and crappy food. This had been four days of absolute luxury, of Jack bonding with his father and spending as much time as we let him in the pool! Of eating the best food I’d ever eaten in my life and having Aidan worship my body. Which, admittedly, hadn’t happened often enough!
Aidan hoisted Jack up onto his shoulders, just like he had back in Connecticut when we first boarded the Honeymooner. I had seen Aidan lift him like that enough times now that I knew it was safe - Aidan was strong enough that he wasn’t about to drop him
“Do you see that, Jack?”
“What is it, Daddy?”
“It’s land, Jack! Now what did I tell you we say when we see land?”
Jack frowned, biting his lip as he thought before erupting into a yell:
“Land ho! Land ho!”
I burst into laughter. My little sailors.
20
Erica
Aidan wanted to take us to Monte Carlo.
Just the name sounded so exotic and chic to me, like we were going to step into a James Bond movie. Except without all the explosions and stunts….And I’m no Bond girl.
Monte Carlo itself was gorgeous, a compact city sitting right on the waterfront with steep mountains rising up behind it. The mountains looked wild and untamed, rocky outcrops peaked out of the green forest. From the water, the city looked like it was a strange mix of really old fashioned looking buildings and modern tower blocks.
I was still thinking about earlier, about Aidan’s chaste kiss. What did it mean? Did Aidan have feelings for me? Was I just overthinking it?
If I was being completely honest with myself, I had feelings for him. I had never really stopped having feelings for him. He made me feel protected and cared for, the way he looked at me, the way he touched me like I was attractive and precious.
He had given me a family.
But…no matter how I felt about him, I just couldn’t trust him. Not when I didn’t know why he’d left me before. Until he told me the truth, I was always going to be worried that, any second, he would just leave me again. He might just suddenly end things without a word of explanation, or even goodbye.
I needed to think about all this.
A warm hand touched my shoulder and I started in surprise. Aidan had come up behind me, wrapping an arm around me as I gazed out. I had pretty much zoned out, lost in my own head.
“It’s pretty here. I know you’re going to love it.”
“Yeah,” I said, not looking at him. It was late afternoon now, the sun making the old stone buildings along the harborfront gleam pretty shades of orange and pink.
“I’ve told the crew they can go ashore for a few hours. I want to giv
e them a break.”
I was tucked against him now, and it would have been the easiest thing in the world for me to just relax and lower my head to rest on his shoulder.
But I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let myself trust him again. I couldn’t let myself get attached again.
“I was thinking I might go ashore too.”
“Don’t,” his arm squeezed me companionably. I felt, for the first time, like a real married couple. Not just married for the sake of the company, but actually two people who wanted to be together - standing together on our honeymoon as we gazed out at a romantic European city.
It was tempting, to just stay here, like this.
“I want to show the two of you around the city tonight. We’ll go to a restaurant and then walk around, maybe pop into the casino if Jack isn’t too tired.”
I felt so conflicted. He was offering me a perfect, happy ending - an ideal life, with my husband and son, literally sailing away in the sunset…All I had to do was forgive him…
I just wasn’t ready.
“I’ll just take Jack on a walk around the dock. You can still show us the city later. I just…I just want to get off the yacht for a bit.”
“Alright, but no further than the marina! No going into Monte Carlo without me as your guide!”
He chuckled, his arm falling away. I immediately missed the warm comfort of it.
“Jack?” I called out to him, as he was sitting just along the deck. “We’re going to go for a walk. Are you ready?”
Jack jumped off his chair and came running over. He reached up to take Aidan’s hand automatically
“Yes, Mommy. I wanna go swimming again too.”
“Not right now, Jack,” Aidan said, not letting go of his hand. “You and Mom are going to the marina.” He gave me an apologetic smile, “There’s some paperwork I should catch up on.”
“That’s fine,” I said, glad that I wasn’t going to have to tell him I didn’t want him to come, that I needed some space to think.
Aidan let go of Jack’s hand and bent to press a kiss to the top of his head. Jack pulled a face, then giggled, “Bye, Daddy.”
“Bye, Jack,” he said, ruffling Jack’s hair but looking at me. I glanced away nervously.
For all my resolutions that our relationship was just going to be about sex, and no emotions, Aidan had got good at reading me…at reading my body.
“We won’t be long,” I said, not quite meeting his eyes.
“Take your time,” he said, in a tone that was fond but slightly exasperated. It was like he knew what was on my mind. There was no way that he could know what I was thinking!
He leaned over, putting one hand on my waist to pull me forward too. My cheek rubbed against his; he hadn’t shaved this morning and his stubbled jaw scratched at my skin.
“Don’t forget this is our honeymoon,” he said into my ear, his warm lips brushing against me. I had to stop myself from shivering. I was sensitive just there and he knew that damned well!
“Oh, I won’t,” I said with feeling, pulling back and taking Jack’s hand, “There’s no chance of that.”
“Good,” he sounded far too smug!
Clasping hold of Jack’s hand, I headed out to the gangway. There was a ramp between the yacht and the wooden pier.
“Mommy?” Jack said, stopping on the ramp.
“What is it, baby?”
He pulled an unhappy face.
“What about Bugsy?”
I bent down to talk to him properly. The ramp between the yacht and the pier was wide, and very sturdy. It didn’t move at all as we stood there.
“Bugsy is fine. He likes being on the yacht, huh? He’s been having a good time, just like us! Let’s get onto the dock.”
Jack let out an exaggerated sigh, pouting, but walked forward onto the pier. I let out a relieved breath.
“Daddy will look after Bugsy,” Jack said, sounding very determined and sure of himself. He trusted Aidan. The two of them had really built up a bond. I shouldn’t have been surprised. Aidan was good about paying Jack attention, answering his questions and eager to spend time with him.
Looking back at how nervous he’d been that first night that they’d met - he was practically scared of a toddler! But he’d worked hard, always being patient with Jack. He’d never snapped at him, not even once.
Which, considering that Aidan had absolutely no experience with small children, that said a lot of good things about his character.
“Yeah,” I said, taking Jack’s hand again “Daddy will look after Bugsy for you. He’ll keep him safe until we get back.”
The marina was very large. There was a long stretch of floating pier to walk down. We ambled along, Jack taking small steps on his short legs. I kept a strong grip on his hand - there weren’t any railings on the pier and the sea was just a few feet below.
The section where we were docked was for the largest and most expensive looking yachts. They gleamed clean white, reflecting the sun.
“Mommy?”
“Yes, baby?”
“Bugsy really likes Daddy.”
“Does he?”
“Uh-huh,” Jack nodded his head vigorously.
I knew this was his way of saying that he really liked Aidan. And I was glad that he liked Aidan…but it also scared me.
So long as Aidan refused to tell me why he left, I couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t leave again.
This life that he was offering me was amazing. I was in Europe, wearing the nicest clothes I’d ever owned. I’d been pampered beyond my wildest dreams. And Jack…Jack loved having two parents - two people to play with and pay attention to him. As a single mom, it was nice to have someone to share the burden with.
But…
It was a problem without a solution.
I sighed heavily, I’d walked almost the whole length of our section of the marina. The pier got wider this close to the land and there were a few benches. I headed over to them, wanting to just sit and stew over my thoughts for a couple of minutes. Try to solve this unsolvable problem.
“No, Mommy, I wanna look at boats!”
“Really? OK, let’s go have a look at the ones with sails. They’re pretty cute, aren’t they?”
“Hmm,” Jack, holding my hand, picked up speed and walking ahead of me, leading me further down the pier. He was eager to explore and didn’t understand why I wasn’t just as eager.
“There’s no rush, Jack! We can take our time.”
“No!” he said, although he stopped pulling my arm as hard, “Daddy’s waiting. He’s all alone!”
“He’s got Bugsy with him.”
Jack made an unhappy noise.
There weren’t many people around. All the boats that we’d walked past had looked empty and with no signs of life stirring inside. There was one man on this section of the pier, his back to us as he looked out across the sea.
Just as we walked past him, the man turned and made eye contact with me.
“Hi,” he said, waving at me. I stopped in confusion, Jack pulled at my hand, still eager to get going.
“Uh, hi.”
The way that the man was staring, it felt like I should know him, like he expected me to recognize him. But I didn’t at all, he was pale and rather plain looking, with a large chin.
“It’s Erica, right?”
“Yeah, that’s right. I’m sorry, have we met before?”
“No, no,” he laughed and there was something wild about his laughter. It was too high-pitched, too manic. I clutched Jack’s hand a little tighter. “I saw your face in a photo that my brother had of you.”
“Your brother?” I asked, was this guy being deliberately confusing. Jack pulled at my arm and I bent down to pick him up, tucking him onto my hip.
“My brother, Aidan,” he said, turning his attention to Jack. “What a sweet little boy.”
Now, usually, I will admit, I do get a little proud when people pay attention to Jack. In the past strangers have made comments ab
out what a sweet boy he, that he’s very cute or that he’s well-behaved. I’ve always liked that, not that I want to boast or anything, but…but he is a cute kid, and I like it when people notice. I think most parents do.
But I didn’t like this.
The way this man was staring at Jack was just odd.
Then I blinked, realizing what he’d just said a moment earlier.
“You’re Aidan’s brother? Aidan has a brother??”
“Uh-huh,” the man nodded, still looking at Jack. “Step-brother really, but what does that matter between family? Now you must tell me who this little man is!”
Honestly, there are so many times when I’ve had to stop myself from talking too much about Jack. I want to talk about him, I love sharing stories about him with whoever will listen. But, for the first time ever, I didn’t want to tell someone anything about my son.
I half turned, putting Jack as far from this guy as possible
“Hello there,” the man said, peering round me to make eye contact with Jack.
“Hi,” Jack said, burying his face in my neck.
Usually I would have encouraged him to speak up and not to be shy, but this time, I didn’t blame him. I patted the back of his head and smoothed down some of his soft curls.
“I’m your uncle. My name’s Marcus. You can call me Uncle Marcus. What’s your name?”
Marcus put his hand out, like he was going to touch Jack, not quite reaching for him. Jack shook his head, refusing to look up at him.
“Sorry, he’s not good with new people,” I apologized. It wasn’t really true.
“Oh, it’s fine. I understand. He looks just like his daddy, doesn’t he?
I suppose it made sense that Aidan had told his brother about finding out about Jack and being a father. There was just something wrong about the way that Marcus asked, like he wasn’t already 100% sure that Aidan was his father.
I didn’t answer and Marcus took half a step towards us.
“Aidan is his father, isn’t he?”
I pursed my lips, not answering. I’m not really sure why. For the first few years of his life, I hadn’t told any one who Jack’s father was, so I was used to keeping silent whenever anyone asked these kinds of questions.
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