The next week passed in a blur of meetings, another pitch for a big campaign was on the horizon for Lucy, this time for a new brand of kitchen roll that was being launched. At the same time she was working on the new social enterprise project that Jack and Sharon were leading, so any spare time she might have had had disappeared. Alex and Lucy passed like ships in the night; she was working later and later as the pitch drew nearer, pulling the usual all-nighters as the deadline approached. Her feelings of unease grew but she slammed them to the side of her mind, focusing on work and ignoring the unspoken truth that was dawning on her, that something was really, very wrong. As soon as the pitch was over she decided that she would confront him that weekend, knowing that she couldn’t put it off any longer. They needed to talk.
That Saturday morning Alex volunteered to go to the shops to buy some supplies for the weekend. While he was gone Lucy sat on the sofa trying to summon up the courage to confront him, suddenly feeling sick. Her stomach was literally churning with unease. She was so fed up with this deep, innate sense of disquiet that had been lurking within her for weeks and before she knew it tears had begun to roll slowly down her cheeks. She didn’t even wipe them away. She knew she should busy herself with some task that might help snap her out of this mood but she couldn’t summon the energy. She just sat there and let the tears fall, swollen with a sense of foreboding.
She was still sitting there when Alex got back an hour or so later, plonking the shopping bags on the kitchen table and asking her what time she wanted to eat. When he realized that she hadn’t answered he turned to face her. Noticing her tears, Alex visibly paled. He came over to her and sat next to her on the sofa, saying, ‘Luce, what is it?’ and putting his arm around her.
Taking a deep breath and turning to face him, she whispered, ‘Something’s wrong, isn’t it Alex? Something is wrong between us…’ Alex didn’t move, he just sat there, holding her hand quietly. ‘Talk to me, Alex, please. I can’t bear this silence any longer. You are always pussyfooting around me, avoiding any meaningful conversation, working all the bloody time. What is going on?’ she said, feeling her voice tremble as she spoke.
Alex sat still for a long time, looking at his hand holding hers. He took a deep breath and slowly began to nod his head, ‘I think you might be right, Luce.’
The second she heard those words she knew that the fears she had barely allowed herself to contemplate, were somehow, unthinkably true. A sense of total and utter panic rose up her throat; she felt the sense of security and happiness that had wrapped around her like a safety blanket for the last year slip through her fingers.
‘I didn’t know how to bring it up, what with the holiday and everything. It seemed so cruel.’ He looked at her with eyes pleading for forgiveness. ‘I don’t know what to say,’ he said. ‘Things have been really hard recently, you must admit. I feel like we’ve been growing apart.’
She couldn’t believe her ears. Suddenly furious, she shouted, ‘NO!’ her voice hoarse with bitter despair. ‘You cannot do this to me, Alex. No, no, no… you can’t.’ Her body felt completely numb with shock, panic rose up her throat, choking her. ‘What the hell do you mean, growing apart?’ Lucy shouted, hating him for lying to her, misleading her when he was feeling like this. She felt as though he had given up without even the slightest fight. Surely their relationship meant more to him than that?
‘I can’t really explain it, Luce. Maybe it’s me. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, trying so hard to make it work between us, trying so hard to see a future. And I did, I swear. I really did, for the first six months of our relationship I couldn’t get enough of you. I loved you so much… I was sure that it was forever.’
‘You loved me so much? You’re telling me that you don’t even love me anymore?! Well thanks a lot for being so kind as to let me know,’ Lucy shouted bitterly. ‘What a pathetic fool you must think I am.’
‘No, Lucy, you don’t understand. I do love you. I do. Of course I do. Look at me,’ Alex said, his eyes full of tears, his brow creased in deep, anguished furrows. ‘Do I look like this is easy for me? Can’t you see how upset I am to hurt you?’
‘If you really do love me Alex then why are you telling me you don’t see a future for us?’ she said, hot tears dampening her cheeks.
‘I just don’t know if it’s enough,’ he said quietly. ‘I don’t love you enough.’
Those words were the final nails that hammered into her heart; she broke down into hysterical sobs, her whole body shaking. He tried to put his arms around her but she shrugged him off. He tried again and she hit him, shoving and pushing him away from her with all her strength.
‘Just get off me!’ she wailed.
He kept on apologizing over and over again but there was nothing he could do to comfort her. She kept repeating ‘No!’ She felt totally unable to accept what he had said. The happy future she had dreamt of, the children they would have had together, everything she had waited her whole life for; it was all dissolving before her eyes.
Suddenly remembering the ring, she lifted her head, still staring directly at the wall in front of her; she wiped her tears from her cheeks and whispered, ‘The ring.’
‘What?’ Alex said.
‘I found the ring… I was clearing out the cupboard, the golf bag… I thought you were going to propose. The whole time we were in Sicily I kept thinking, any minute now.’ Shaking her head in disbelief, she slowly turned to face him, she felt nauseous to see the look of guilt and pity on his face. ‘How could you? Look at what you’ve done to me!’ she cried, her eyes were so swollen she could barely see out of them.
‘I did buy a ring, Luce,’ Alex admitted. ‘ I bought it a couple of months ago. It’s been sitting there, burning a massive hole in my conscience, ever since. I thought that I was just freaking out, that I was nervous of making the final commitment, of actually getting married. I knew how much you wanted it, how much our families wanted it, our friends. I thought I was just too chicken to go through with it and that I needed to man up. I tried to do it, Luce, I promise, but when it came down to it, I just knew it wouldn’t be fair on you. You deserve someone who has no doubts; you deserve someone who can make you totally happy.’
‘But you do make me happy. That’s the problem,’ Lucy said, her throat burning with emotion, her heart breaking into tiny pieces. ‘I chose you. I love you. I want to marry you…’
‘I know you do. I’m so sorry, Luce, it’s just not right. I can’t do it. I just can’t…’ he trailed off, unable to say anything more. There was nothing left to say, just pain. Pain like Lucy had never known, never even imagined possible. It was as if someone had ripped out her heart. Stabbing pains were ripping through her, that feeling of dread, of your worst nightmare coming true in front of your very eyes. She was utterly powerless.
‘What will I do?’ she whispered, her voice barely audible, her body trembling.
He stood up, pulling her to her feet as she sobbed, muttering, ‘Oh Lucy, please don’t cry. I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry,’ as he wrapped his arms around her.
Too weak to protest, Lucy rested her cheek on his chest, so familiar to her, so dear and precious. The thought of not being able to do this anymore was unthinkable. She could smell that delicious smell of him and wanted to hang on to this moment forever, the feeling of protection he gave her when she was in his arms, it was bittersweet. They stayed like that for a long time, she didn’t know how long.
Eventually, Alex said that he would go, that he would spend the night at Dan and Claudia’s. Lucy couldn’t even bring herself to speak; she just nodded her head, numb. She couldn’t imagine Claudia’s reaction when he turned up; the thought of telling her friends was too much. She just wanted the ground to open and swallow her. There was no way she could get through this.
She watched him gather a bag of his stuff; he took his phone from the kitchen counter and his house keys, leaving the untouched bags of shopping on the table.
He came over to her and ki
ssed her one last time, on the lips, saying ‘I’m sorry.’
Suddenly overcome with a rising tide of blind panic she cried, ‘Don’t do it, Alex. Change your mind. We love each other, we can get through this, I know we can!’ She was desperate to stop this from happening, to stop him from leaving her. She had to stop him from going out that door. If he went, there would be no going back.
Shaking his head, he said, ‘I can’t, Lucy. I can’t do it.’
‘Please!’ she cried. ‘Please don’t go. We can get through this, I’ll change. We can work it out, I promise.’
‘I’m sorry.’ he said. ‘I know it’s terrible, I know how much you must hate me. I just hope that one day you will be able to forgive me. I’m sorry I couldn’t make this work.’ His eyes were so full of emotion, so honest, that she knew that he was finding this just as hard as she was, that the last thing on earth he would ever want to do was hurt her. But that somehow made it worse. If only he had done something bad, cheated on her, anything, then maybe she could hate him, but she didn’t.
Slowly unfurling her fingers as they grasped his hand, he let her hand drop from his, his cheeks wet with tears. Turning and picking up his bag, he left, closing the front door behind him. Lucy stood there for a long time, staring at the door in utter disbelief at what had just happened. Without making a sound, she turned off her phone, shut all the curtains and got into bed. She didn’t even have the energy to take off her clothes. Completely overcome with raw grief, she cried and cried, moaning and wailing like an animal in pain. Every part of her body ached with sorrow. Finally, in the early hours of the morning; she fell into a fitful sleep.
Chapter Seventeen
Lucy didn’t move from her bed for the whole of the next day. She threw the covers over her head, burying herself under the duvet, unable to accept the new reality that faced her. The thought of people finding out, the pity and the disbelief that her friends would feel for her made her stomach churn. How could this have happened to her? She just didn’t understand how life could be so unfair. Her eyes stung from the tears that she had shed; her pillow was damp with them.
She switched on her mobile, seeing a myriad of messages from Claudia, including several voicemails, but nothing from Alex. Her heart fell. Turning over, she closed her eyes and tried to slip back to sleep.
At midday she woke, forgetting for a moment where she was and what had happened. She sat up and looked in confusion at the drawn curtains, the clock showing 12.00. She turned to look for Alex before suddenly remembering what had happened, the reality slamming into her like a ton of bricks. There was nothing but an empty void where he should be. Unable to bear it, she grabbed her phone and typed him a frantic message, begging him to come back, telling him how much she loved him; that he was wrong, they were meant for each other, she knew it. She told him that she couldn’t imagine her life without him. Pressing send, she prayed and prayed that he was sitting somewhere, at this moment, thinking exactly the same thoughts: that he had realized he had made a massive mistake; that this message would finally break his resolve and he would come running back to her, begging for forgiveness. She allowed her imagination to run with this idea, pictured opening the door, letting him into her arms and holding him. She simply couldn’t face the alternative: that she would never hold him again; that he would never make love to her, kiss her, tell her how much he loved her; that there would be no more lie-ins, breakfasts in bed, adventures; that it was all over, as though it had never even begun.
Her phone beeped in her hand and she hurried to open the message.
I’m sorry. I can’t. A x
She let out a cry of grief and threw her phone against the wall, tears once again rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t know where they were coming from, it seemed like she had an endless supply of them. She retreated once more into her bed, closing her eyes tight, wishing that all she had to do was shut her eyes to disappear from sight, like a small child playing hide-and-seek. She just wanted to fade away.
That evening as she sat on the sofa wrapped in her cashmere throw, still wearing her pyjamas, Lucy heard a gentle knocking on the door.
‘Luce?’ called Claudia softly. ‘Are you there? Please let me in, I’m so worried about you.’
Knowing that she wouldn’t go away until she saw her, Lucy stumbled over to the door and opened it to let her friend in.
Claudia took one look at her and said, ‘Oh Luce, you poor thing,’ before wrapping her in her arms for an enormous hug, prompting a new flurry of tears and sobs. She led her back over to the sofa, opened the curtains and the window to let some fresh air into the flat, turned on the lamps and took a bottle of red wine out of her bag. ‘First, you need a drink,’ said Claudia, getting two glasses out of the cupboard and pouring them one each. ‘Right, now tell me everything,’ she demanded.
Before Lucy could start she had to ask, ‘How is he?’
‘Pretty devastated, to tell you the truth. The bastard,’ said Claudia through gritted teeth. She was clearly furious on behalf of her oldest friend.
Lucy proceeded to tell her what had happened, taking her time, pausing to catch her breath between juddering sobs. She explained about the holiday, the ring, his doubts, the whole sorry story.
They drank the bottle of wine and opened another one. Claudia cooked Lucy some pasta using some of the ingredients that Alex had bought the day before. She forced Lucy to eat at least a few mouthfuls, having not eaten anything all day, telling her that she needed to keep her strength up. Before she left she said, ‘Look, Luce. We both know that this is going to be a totally shit time. You are going to have to grieve for this relationship, go through all the stages as if you are in mourning. But you will be okay. I promise you that. You will get through this; I’ll be there every step of the way. Leave work to me, I’ll call Lettie and Simon, I’ll talk to your boss. You need to get the hell away from here. Go to Cornwall, Ginny will look after you. Alex can get his stuff while you’re gone. When you feel stronger, you’ll come back and you’ll start over.’
Lucy nodded blankly, she knew that Claudia was right, but she couldn’t imagine how it was going to happen. She would go back to Cornwall though. She knew that was the best place for her to be right now. One thing was for sure, she couldn’t stay here, in their house.
Chapter Eighteen
The next day, despite Claudia’s insistence that she would sort it out, Lucy phoned her boss to explain her change of circumstances. Luckily for Lucy she was very understanding. She told her to take a few days off work to look after herself. Lucy still had plenty of annual leave to tap into if she felt she wasn’t ready to return to London for a while.
She made the telephone call to her mum that she had been dreading and was surprised at her reaction. No judgement, no comment, just ‘Come home. We’ll sort you out, darling, don’t worry.’
Suddenly longing to retreat into the safety of Ginny and Gus’s familiar domestic routines, she packed a suitcase of clothes and essentials, trying hard to ignore Alex’s things, which were scattered all over the flat. She couldn’t remember what the flat had looked like before he had moved in. No doubt he would be coming round soon to move his stuff out; she blanked the thought from her mind, knowing that she didn’t have the strength for it.
Too tired to face public transport, she called a taxi to take her to Paddington Station. She found her seat on the First Great Western to Penzance, stowed her suitcase in the luggage rack and hoped that her neighbour would not try to initiate conversation. As the train pulled out of London she began to relax, feeling a little stronger and a little more detached from her sad situation with every mile that she put between them. She stared out of the window, watching the English countryside whizzing by, and marvelled at the surety that no matter what happens to you, life will and does go on. Nothing had changed for anyone else but everything had changed for her. Just like that, the perfect future she had envisaged had disappeared.
Ginny was waiting at Bodmin Parkway with open arms, her
glasses swinging from her neck on their beaded string. She gave Lucy a huge hug and took her bag from her, carrying it to her trusty Land Rover, opening the boot and heaving it in to sit amongst the dog hairs and wellington boots. They set off for Rose Cottage at Ginny’s usual breakneck speed, careering around corners and past oncoming traffic with scant regard for the paint surface of the car as it scraped against brambles and bushes. They slowed down as they came up the bumpy track leading to the house. All the while Ginny managed to keep up a stream of chatter about Tiggy’s escapades, Gus’s latest findings in his research project and the local parish council.
When they arrived, Lucy stepped through the thatched porch and inhaled deeply, the comforting smell of home washing over her, and she knew that she had been right to come here. This is where she would be able to start putting herself back together again, no matter how hard it was going to be.
Gus was standing by the Aga, pouring hot water into a cracked, old green teapot. He turned around as they came in, peering at his daughter over his reading glasses. ‘Lucy,’ he said, and came over to give her a hug, enveloping her in his soft cashmere jumper. ‘There, there!’ he said as she started to cry. ‘It’ll all be okay. You’ll see.’
Lucy sat at the old pine table where a few months before she had sat with Alex and gratefully accepted a cup of tea. The warm, sweet drink calmed her nerves as she told her parents exactly what had happened. They shook their heads in disbelief. Lucy knew that they were as surprised as she was. They had really liked Alex and she was fairly sure they too had been expecting wedding bells at long last. She almost felt like apologizing for letting them down, but stopped herself short of that. It wasn’t her fault. The relationship just wasn’t quite right and it was better that Alex had told her now, rather than marrying her with doubts, and bitterly regretting it later. Maybe she had been right all along, maybe there wasn’t going to be a perfect match for her. The sooner she accepted that reality, the better. No more daydreams, no more chasing fairy-tale happy endings. She had tried that already and look where she had ended up. She was back in her childhood home, sipping tea with her parents, single once again.
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