Eventually, they hailed a cab and went back to her flat, undressing each other as soon as they got in the door. Their clothes lay in a tangled trail to her bedroom. Jack pushed her down on to the bed and forced any lingering thoughts of Alex firmly out of her mind, once and for all.
Afterwards, Lucy drifted in and out of sleep, waking up in the morning with a pounding head, an aching body and an empty space next to her. She felt a strange mixture of elation and guilt. She reached for her phone. Sure enough there was a message from Jack:
Last night was amazing. I’m sorry I didn’t have better self-control, I couldn’t resist you. Hope you are okay? J xx
Lucy could tell that he wanted to make sure she was all right. He probably felt as if he had taken advantage of her.
My self-control also to blame. And it was great, L xx
Jack replied:
I’m sure I don’t need to say this but can we please keep this between ourselves? X
As she read this, Lucy felt slightly sick. She suspected he was regretting mixing business with pleasure. Not to mention the thought of Penny finding out if word got out that they had slept together. Given how up in the air things were between them that would be the last thing he needed. Her eyes filled with tears. She should have known better. It was impossible to have a night like that with someone like Jack and stay emotionally unattached. They had been colleagues for so long, and she had always been so attracted to him. She had thought it would make her feel better but she felt worse. Why was it that all the men she had feelings for didn’t quite reciprocate in the way she wanted them to?
Mum’s the word!
Replied Lucy, cringing at the false joviality of her text as she wrote it.
With a sigh she got up and made her way to the shower. She wanted to wash the night away. She felt very uncomfortable about Penny. She had vowed that she would never touch Jack, that he was completely out of bounds as long as he was married. She felt ashamed of herself that she had given into temptation, and for what… one night of fun? It had been amazing but that didn’t make it all right. He wasn’t single, that was a fact, and so what they had done was wrong. She vowed not to tell anyone about it, ever. Not even Claudia. She would never risk it getting out. It wouldn’t be fair to Penny or Jack for this to become public knowledge. Most importantly, it wouldn’t be fair to his children.
On the twenty-third of August, Lucy went for her initial consultation with The London Women’s Clinic. She was impressed by the reception area. With two huge green plants on either side of a black and white, chequered marble floor and a sweeping, wrought-iron stair case ascending from behind the wooden desk, it looked more like the reception area of a smart hotel than a clinic; the only telltale signs were the artistic images on the wall, clever photographs of sperm, eggs and embryos rather than the usual landscapes. As she sat in the waiting room, she was enchanted to see a beautiful little dark-haired girl with the most gorgeous ringlets toddle over to her. She must have been no more than two years old. She was drawn like a magpie to the fake jewels on Lucy’s gold sandals and kept trying to pick them up. Her mother came over to try and dissuade the child from bothering her, saying apologetically, ‘I’m so sorry, she just loves sparkly things!’
‘Don’t worry at all, she’s adorable!’ said Lucy.
‘She really is, isn’t she?’ said the woman, looking lovingly at her child. ‘Although I know you’re not supposed to say that about your own child! I’m Nicola and this is Maisy,’ said the lady, brushing her long dark hair over her shoulder and picking up her daughter. Proffering a slender arm that jangled with bangles, she said, ‘Nice to meet you.’
‘I’m Lucy,’ she said, shaking her hand and watching with amusement as Maisy clambered onto Nicola’s lap, pulling at the stretchy fabric of her mother’s navy maxi dress.
‘Have you been to this clinic before?’ asked Lucy. ‘It’s my first time, so I’m a little nervous!’
‘Oh poor you, don’t be nervous! Everyone here is so lovely, honestly. I remember feeling the same when I first came here, several years ago now!’ Nicola confided. ‘Is it your first consultation, then?’
Lucy nodded. Deciding to be brave, she took a deep breath and said, ‘I’m thinking of having a baby but I don’t have a partner. So I’m contemplating DI.’ She knew that she would have to get used to talking about it without feeling ashamed.
Nicola nodded her head and pointed at Maisy. ‘That’s exactly what I did. Look at me now!’ she said, kissing her daughter on the head, who had now decided to curl up and have a rest on her mother’s lap. Lucy couldn’t believe her eyes, she didn’t know why but she hadn’t suspected that Maisy could be a donor baby. Chiding herself for her own narrow-mindedness, she realized that she hadn’t thought someone as gorgeous as Nicola would have been down this route. But why on earth not, she thought to herself, if I am?
‘That’s amazing!’ cried Lucy. ‘Oh wow, it’s so inspiring to see you now, on the other end of the process. To think that I could be you in a couple of years!’
‘I’m in for a possible round two now,’ whispered Nicola. ‘I want her to have a brother or sister. I’m going to try and use the same sperm so that they are genetically full siblings.’ Lucy hadn’t thought about that possibility yet, but she was impressed that it was feasible to have a real family, sharing the same genes, through DI.
Lucy and Nicola chatted about her experiences during her last round of treatment. It had taken her four attempts, or cycles, of IUI before she had become pregnant. Lucy felt as though she had found a real kindred spirit in Nicola, a high-flying accountant who said she had genuinely never had the time to meet anyone and settle down. She had been thirty-seven when she fell pregnant with DI, and at thirty-nine she knew that she was cutting it fine but had decided to try again. As Lucy was called in for her appointment, Nicola offered to swap phone numbers, saying that she would really love it if they could stay in touch, and that she would be happy to answer any questions Lucy had if she decided to go ahead with it. Lucy gratefully accepted and they saved each other’s details in their mobile phones.
She left the waiting room and shook hands with her doctor, a beautiful Asian lady with a kind smile, following her up the staircase and along the corridor into her office.
Lucy was relieved to find the clinic a warm and friendly place where her doctor, a fertility specialist, was able to explain answers to the hundreds of questions that she had amassed over the last couple of months. She was reassured to find out that, in co-operation with the London Sperm Bank, this clinic had the largest donor insemination programme in the UK. She felt in safe hands.
The doctor explained the steps that would follow if she decided to go ahead with the treatment. She would have roughly an eighteen per cent chance of each cycle working. She worked out that she had enough money in her savings to have three rounds of treatment before she would have to start saving up all over again. She prayed that this would be enough.
Lucy waited with bated breath as the doctor did a pelvic ultrasound scan on her. She thought of all of her friends with children and wondered whether they had any idea just how lucky they were that they had got pregnant naturally, that they had met their partners at the right time to start a family. After an agonizing few minutes she was relieved to hear that everything seemed to be in perfect working order. Despite her relief she couldn’t help but wish that all of this hadn’t been necessary. It seemed like an enormously long road ahead and the chances seemed all too slim. She knew that all she needed to do now was make her final decision and get the ball rolling.
Chapter Twenty-Two
In September the work started rolling in as usual. The Christmas advertising campaigns would take over their lives from now until the end of the year and Lucy was working on several all at once. She felt like she was juggling too many balls in the air and that a momentary slip in concentration would cause them all to come crashing down. Despite the stress that this time of year brought with it she was quite happy to
be so busy. Jack and Lucy had made a valiant effort to put their brief encounter behind them. It was never mentioned. For the most part they restricted their conversation to work-related topics, and no attempt was made by either party to arrange another drink. They both knew that the timing, and their circumstances, were wrong. Though she did occasionally blush when she caught him looking at her. God only knew what memories he was conjuring up!
When she wasn’t working, often late into the night, she spent hours on the London Sperm Bank website looking at the potential donors. She was able to choose preferences for race, eye colour, hair colour, height, skin tone, nationality, education and occupation. She decided she wanted to choose someone as similar to her as possible. Her new friend Nicola was a wonderful help, they met up for coffee several times, discussing the ins and outs of the process. Lucy found it unbelievably helpful to talk to someone who had been through it already. Nicola was a very down-to-earth person; she took it all in her stride and was always ready with a well thought out answer to any of Lucy’s questions or doubts. This helped Lucy come to terms with what lay ahead. Lucy began counting down the days until November when she was going to have her first round of IUI.
Towards the end of the month, Tor had booked Lucy in for a Saturday evening of babysitting. It was the night of her and Will’s wedding anniversary and Lucy was excited at the prospect of spending some quality time with her godson. She knew that it would be good experience to have a tiny baby in her care, something that she hadn’t had to do much of since the days when she helped Ginny look after Ollie. Right from the start Lucy had adored her baby brother, constantly helping to change his nappy and feed him, covering him in kisses and often picking him up and carrying him around like a doll… much to Ginny’s horror! Quietly laughing at her younger self as she reminisced, she rang the doorbell of Will and Tor’s smart town house and waited. A couple of minutes later Tor opened the door to let her in, giving her a warm hug and launching into a constant stream of instructions as she clattered around the hallway in her heels, fastening gold studs into her ears. To say she was overexcited at the prospect of having a night out with her husband was an understatement. However, this was also coupled with anxiety at the thought of being separated from Otto for the first time, resulting in Tor at her most chaotic. Trying to calm her friend down, Lucy nodded her agreement at each instruction, reassuring her that she would phone immediately if there was anything wrong.
Just then William came down the stairs, obviously straight out of the shower. He said hi to Lucy as he fastened the cufflinks on his shirt. Tor reached up to straighten his tie; they looked so smart, such a handsome couple, that Lucy stood back for a minute to admire them. Lucy was reminded of when her own parents would go out for the evening and the babysitter would arrive. She had flashbacks of her mum looking incredibly glamorous, smelling of perfume, a slash of bright pink lipstick across her lips as she kissed her good night.
Following Will and Tor into the sitting room, Lucy found Otto sleeping peacefully in his Moses basket. He looked positively angelic in a pale blue babygro, soft, downy hairs covering his head; a miniscule hand curled into a fist by the side of his face.
With one eye on the clock as their reservation time approached, Will and Tor reluctantly tore themselves away from their son and set off for dinner, leaving Lucy in charge. The television flickered in the background with some Saturday evening game show but Lucy was so mesmerized by little Otto that she barely took any notice, staring instead at his delicate little face and his minute features. Her tummy began to rumble so she heated up some of the lasagne that Tor had left out for her, eating it quietly while sitting on the sofa, reluctant to leave Otto by himself in case something awful should happen.
After about an hour and a half of peaceful sleeping, Otto woke up, making little gurgles and squeaks which slowly became moans before developing into a full-blown wail. Lucy followed the instructions to warm up his milk then picked him up. Nestling him in the crook of her arm, she began to feed him from the bottle. This seemed to do the trick and she relaxed as the rhythmic glugging echoed into the room. Having had his fill, she gently removed the bottle and carefully draped a muslin cloth across her shoulder, softly rubbing his back to wind him. As she settled back into the sofa with the tiny bundle in her arms, now sleeping contentedly once more, she prayed that she would be lucky enough to have her own baby soon. She was overcome with the all too familiar emotions of regret that she couldn’t have experienced all this with Alex, that she was going to have to go through it all alone. It felt like such bitter bad luck. She wouldn’t allow herself to miss out though. The thought of never being able to experience motherhood because she hadn’t met her perfect guy at the right time was just too awful to consider. If and when he came along he would have to accept her for who she was, with or without a child. But she wasn’t going to waste her last child-bearing years dreaming and hoping in vain for something that may never happen.
The following weekend Nicola had invited Lucy for lunch at her mews cottage in Notting Hill. Intrigued to get a glimpse into life as a single mother, and to have a peek inside Nicola’s home, Lucy had eagerly accepted. She knocked on the door and shortly afterwards heard little footsteps padding towards her in response. She could see Maisy’s curly hair through the frosted glass as Nicola appeared behind her, reaching to unlock the door and let Lucy in.
As Lucy had expected, Nicola’s home was tastefully decorated and amazingly tidy considering the toddler entwining herself round her legs. Nicola kissed Lucy hello and then ushered her through into the kitchen; a huge vase of lilies rested on the granite breakfast bar while a wooden bowl piled high with fruit lay on the table. There were boxes of Maisy’s colourful toys lined up along the wall but otherwise the home just looked like any other.
While they were eating their lunch, Lucy took the opportunity to ask Nicola how she had come to the decision to ‘go it alone’ to have her daughter, wondering if their stories would be similar.
‘To be honest,’ said Nicola, ‘when I was younger I always thought that it would happen naturally, like everyone else, with the man of my dreams. But when I was thirty-six and I found myself single, I suddenly realized that perhaps that wasn’t going to happen.’
‘Exactly what I’ve been thinking,’ agreed Lucy. ‘It’s different for guys, they can have children whenever they want. We’ve got a biological time bomb strapped to us and there’s nothing we can do to slow it down!’
‘Quite!’ exclaimed Nicola. ‘So I simply weighed up my options. I don’t meet that many men that I actually consider eligible enough to date, I work quite long hours and I had broken up with my last boyfriend two years earlier and still hadn’t met a replacement… so I knew that if I wanted a baby I would have to go about it in a rather different way!’
‘How did you decide on donor insemination? Did you consider any other alternatives?’ asked Lucy.
‘I thought about adoption but I really wanted to experience being pregnant and I also wanted to be genetically related to my own child,’ said Nicola.
Lucy nodded in agreement.
‘The other alternative was co-parenting with a friend but I just couldn’t think of anything more complicated than that, plus I’m quite an independent person and I’d rather make decisions affecting me and my family by myself than have to take a third party into consideration,’ explained Nicola.
‘Do you mind me asking you a personal question?’ asked Lucy.
‘Go ahead.’
‘Have you ever regretted your decision? I mean, have there been times when it has been too hard, or you’ve felt too alone and wished you had waited to meet someone? I just want to know exactly what I am signing myself up for, so please be as honest as you can,’ said Lucy.
‘I’m not going to lie… there have been times when I have felt so lonely I just cry myself to sleep, even knowing Maisy is in her room next door. It is not the same as having another half, the love you receive and feel for your child is a compl
etely different ball game. It would be amazing to have someone to support you through it, in particular during pregnancy and the first six months. But if you are asking me whether I would change my mind if I could go back in time, there is absolutely no way I would do it any differently. You are right to be realistic though, it is tough. You will tear your hair out at times.’
‘I’m sure,’ said Lucy.
‘But it is worth it,’ said Nicola. ‘If you are really serious about having a family then you shouldn’t let the negatives put you off.’
‘Maisy really is a gorgeous little girl,’ said Lucy. ‘You’re very lucky.’
‘Fourth time lucky and we’ll see how the next cycles work! I know my chances are getting pretty slim, but what will be will be! Won’t it, Maisy?’ she said, scooping her up and flying her through the air, prompting a fit of giggles from her daughter.
‘I expect I’ll be talking all about this next week with the counsellor,’ said Lucy.
‘Oh, have you got your implications counselling?’ asked Nicola. ‘It’s actually really useful, I found. Talking things through makes you feel really sure about it all before you definitely decide to go ahead with it.’
‘When have you decided to try again?’ asked Lucy.
‘I’m going to wait until the New Year,’ explained Nicola, ‘and then I’ll just have to see what happens.’
After lunch they took Maisy down to the local playground and watched her as she played on the swings with some of the other local children. Lucy was grateful for Nicola’s honesty; she knew she had some thinking to do that evening.
Lucy settled in for a quiet evening of soul-searching. Negative thoughts kept popping into her mind. Was it fair on the baby not to have a father? Was she being selfish? Would other people judge her, or worse, judge her unborn child as he or she was growing up in a single parent family? She ran through the conversations she had had with Nicola earlier that day, questioning herself over and over, allowing the doubts to well up and trying her best to rationalize and reason with herself. In the end her total and utter longing for a baby always won. It seemed to her that no matter what the downsides were, she could and would accept them for the sake of being a mother. She would do whatever it took.
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