‘Okay, so have you ever heard of a woman having a baby by herself?’ asked Lucy.
‘Of course I have!’ said Annie. ‘I am a woman of the world, I know these things happen.’
Lucy relaxed slightly.
‘I mean, I’d think you were a fool if it happened to you, but I know these things do happen,’ added Annie, inspecting her granddaughter a little more suspiciously. ‘Don’t tell me, you have been sleeping around?’ she asked, suddenly horrified at the prospect.
‘No, Granny, of course not!’ laughed Lucy, amused at the conclusion her grandmother had jumped to.
‘Are you pregnant?’ demanded Annie.
‘No,’ said Lucy, crossing her fingers under the table. She would be finding out whether the cycle had worked while she was in Cornwall.
‘So what are you talking about?’ asked Annie.
‘Well, I have made a tricky decision that I want to share with you. It would mean a lot to me if I had your support,’ explained Lucy.
‘Right…’ said Annie dubiously.
Lucy took a deep breath, ‘I have decided to try and have a baby by myself. Not by sleeping with random strangers. Not by sleeping with anyone at all, in fact.’
‘Are you going to adopt?’ asked Annie, her eyebrows hovering somewhere near her hairline.
‘No, not adoption. There is a different way. It is called donor insemination and they do it at a private fertility clinic.’
‘Hang on a minute, why would you consider having a baby when you haven’t got a boyfriend? Let alone a husband?’ asked Annie, as Lucy had suspected that she would.
‘Because I am getting too old to wait any longer to meet the man of my dreams. I don’t want to waste my last fertile years hoping I will meet someone,’ explained Lucy.
‘But a child needs two parents,’ said Annie, unable to keep the certainty out of her voice.
‘Well, yes, I suppose in an ideal world you would want all children to have a mum and a dad. But I know plenty of lovely, happy people who have been brought up by one parent. Say if the father died and the mother didn’t remarry, the child would only have one parent, and no one would complain about that,’ said Lucy.
‘Well yes but that is entirely different darling,’ replied Annie. ‘You would actively be choosing to bring a child into your life without a father. It wouldn’t be right.’
Lucy winced. She wasn’t surprised at her beloved granny’s reaction but it didn’t make it any easier. ‘But I will have my family. I will have you and mum and dad, and Ollie. And my friends. We will be enough to look after the baby. And I would love it so much. Being a mother is the one thing I want more than anything and I just can’t accept that it won’t happen. Please try to understand…’ Lucy felt her eyes welling up with tears.
‘I’m sorry, Lucy, but I really don’t agree with it. Perhaps I am too set in my ways, but it just seems selfish to bring a baby into the world just because you want one. If you are meant to have a child then God will give you one. You will meet a man and have a baby the way nature intended. And I am sure that it will happen, you aren’t past it yet, darling!’
‘I’m not so sure about that,’ said Lucy.
Annie raised her eyebrows and chuckled to herself at the utter absurdity of the suggestion. She shook her head and reached for her book.
Lucy blinked away a few tears and picked up her magazine. She understood that the conversation was closed. It would be too much to tell Annie that she had already had not one but two rounds of treatment. She had to hope that if she fell pregnant, Annie would come round to the idea and accept it. But for now, she would have to leave it at that. Talking about it further would just upset Annie, and that was the last thing Lucy wanted.
After eating some sandwiches from the buffet car, Annie drifted off for an afternoon nap, not another word on the topic was mentioned. Lucy followed suit. She thought there was something incredibly soothing about the rhythmic chugging of the train. Ever since she was little, Lucy had loved dozing in the back of a car, on trains or airplanes, during any long journey, finding the thrum of the engine naturally soporific.
Having slumbered on and off for the rest of the journey, they found themselves arriving at Bodmin Parkway in no time. As always, the reliable Ginny was there waiting for them in her Land Rover. Scatty though she may be, she had never once missed a train’s arrival or departure.
They made their way home through the winding lanes in record time. As they parked outside the cottage, Tiggy raced up to the car, barking and wagging her tail in an ecstatic greeting, sniffing their luggage to see if they concealed any doggy treats for her delectation. They opened the door just as Ollie was padding down the stairs into the hall, rubbing his eyes sleepily, his hair perfecting the just-out-of-bed look much sought after by surfers and teenagers alike.
‘Granny Annie!’ he cried as he came over to the door. ‘Don’t you look gorgeous! You haven’t aged a bit since the last time I saw you!’
‘Oh, Ollie, you charming young man. Come here and give your ancient granny a kiss!’ she chuckled, pointing to her wrinkled cheek and puckering her bright red lips.
Having kissed his grandma, Ollie turned his attention to Lucy. ‘Sis!’ he teased, giving her a massive bear hug, ‘You don’t look too bad either!’
‘Thanks Ols,’ she said, shoving him in the ribs. ‘Have you ever heard of the saying “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones”?!’
‘Oy! This is a carefully styled casual chic look, I’ll have you know,’ he said playfully, pouting and striking a pose.
‘I think you look very handsome,’ said Granny Annie, taking him by the arm and leading him into the kitchen.
Just at that moment Gus came in from the garden, wiping his feet on the doormat. He was blue from the cold, having been fixing the fence all morning; Tiggy had managed to find a new escape route.
‘Lucy darling, Annie… you’ve arrived in one piece!’ he said, kissing them both.
Lucy looked at her bespectacled, kind old father, covered in mud stains and shivering, and felt a rush of fondness. She went straight over to the Aga to put the kettle on, offering to make him a cup of tea to warm him up.
Ginny helped her fetch the teapot and cups, unveiling her speciality: a freshly baked chocolate cake covered in thick butter icing which she placed in the centre of the pine table, prompting a flurry of applause from Ollie, Annie, Lucy and Gus. They ate the cake, as light and fluffy as air, the icing gooey and sticky on their fingers, and sipped cups of steaming tea. It felt so good to be home again.
Lucy grilled Ollie about Sofia, and wanted to hear all about the job he had found himself in Buenos Aires, working in a wine bar. She thought about planning a trip to go and see him there, after all it was about time she went to visit him again. She had had a wonderful time in Thailand the last time they had met up on their travels. Though it might depend on whether her second cycle of treatment had worked, of course. She only had another few days left to wait until she would find out. She felt nervous butterflies flutter in her gut at the thought and sent up another silent prayer.
After tea, Ollie and Lucy pulled on their winter wetsuits and walked down to the beach with their trusty old bodyboards under their arms.
‘So, sis, how’s the baby plan working out for you?’ asked Ollie.
‘It’s still in motion,’ said Lucy. ‘Though my plans are currently shelved until the new year.’ She didn’t want him to know that she would be doing a test any day now. It was easier to keep it to herself.
‘Sensible,’ said Ollie. ‘Who wants a booze-free Christmas?’
‘My sentiments exactly!’ laughed Lucy. ‘I told Granny on the train.’
‘Woah… how did that go down?’ asked Ollie, looking at his sister with raised eyebrows.
‘Let’s just say the conversation is closed. I think it’s probably best if we don’t talk about it again.’
‘She didn’t agree with your decision?’
‘No. She can’t get
past the idea that a baby needs a father.’
‘I kind of thought that’s how she’d react.’
‘You can’t really blame her, I suppose,’ said Lucy.
‘No… it’s a different world for her these days. Too much change,’ mused Ollie.
‘I wish I had her support though, I’m sure as hell going to need it.’
‘You will. If it happens, she’ll come around. She loves you, Luce, we all do. We’ll be there for you. You’ll see.’
‘Thanks Ol. It’s good to have you home,’ said Lucy, throwing her wetsuited arm around her brother’s shoulders as he ruffled her hair.
The clouds parted slightly as they reached the sand. The distant sea looked like pale sheets of beaten silver, shimmering in the beams of light that sliced down through the sky. Seagulls darted around, skimming through the spray as it rose off the white horses that pranced and galloped in the surf. Lucy and Ollie waded in through the foam, shrieking as the ice-cold water turned their feet instantly numb. They were taken straight back to their childhood as they lay on their polystyrene boards, pushing off just as the waves broke behind them and hurtling through the sea, revelling in the full force of nature. Laughing uncontrollably, they zoomed through the surf, full of adrenalin. Their hair was plastered to their faces; salty spray blew into their eyes.
After about forty minutes, teeth chattering and blue from the cold, they dragged their boards back up to the house, arriving at the kitchen door dripping watery puddles everywhere, looking like two drowned rats. It was the ideal start to her Christmas.
Over the next few days Annie and Lucy helped Ginny to prepare the house for Christmas with trips to the local Morrisons, last-minute shopping and putting up lots of decorations around the house. They hung the baubles and fairy lights on the huge Christmas tree that Ollie and Gus had carried in and propped up, somewhat precariously, in a bucket of sand. This year it was their turn to host the annual Christmas Eve party that had been going on for years with a group of local families. Lucy took charge of the menu and the necessary shopping for the canapés. She would make them on Thursday with the rest of the family all taking up posts around the kitchen table with carefully allocated jobs to carry out: chopping, slicing, stuffing and artfully arranging.
Lucy bought a couple of packets of pregnancy tests with her shopping, deciding that she would do her test the next morning, on Christmas Eve, two weeks after her second round of insemination. She had fobbed her parents off in the same way she had done to Ollie by saying that she wasn’t going to have her second round until the New Year. She didn’t want them to know if the news was not good, believing that any fussing over her would make her feel worse, not to mention put a dampener on Christmas. This time, she was keeping it to herself. Besides, if she did turn out to be pregnant, it would be a wonderful surprise for them all, the perfect Christmas present.
The next morning, creeping out of bed and into her en-suite bathroom, she unwrapped the little Clear Blue box with trembling hands. Her plan this time was to do the test as quickly as possible, not thinking about the consequences, a bit like ripping off a plaster. Without hesitation, she peed on the stick and looked at the clock to check the time, brushing her teeth and washing her face as a distraction. As soon as three minutes passed, she picked up the stick, her heart thudding in her ears. She peered down at the little diamond box, the controller was showing her that the results were in… With baited breath she moved her hand to reveal the little circular window that would tell her her fate. A single line ran through the centre. She was not pregnant. It had failed again. Disappointment coursed through her veins once more. She fell heavily to the floor and gave herself a few minutes to absorb the news. The realization that her hopes were, once again, dashed into smithereens felt like a crushing weight on top of her. The desire to become pregnant had become an obsession. It filled most of her waking minutes. She had never known that you could want something so desperately… something that in moments like this felt so impossible, so completely unachievable. She lay on the cool tiles, focussing on her breathing, in and out, in and out, her eyes smarting with tears, her body heavy with the dead weight of disappointment. She knew that her only option was to keep looking forwards; she would have to move on but it was so hard to put herself through this emotional roller coaster every time.
She knew that there was one person who would understand how she felt more than anyone.
‘Hello?’ said Nicola as she answered the phone. ‘Lucy, are you okay?’
‘Hi Nicola, yes I’m fine thanks. Sorry for the early phone call.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ve been up for hours thanks to Maisy!’
‘I just did the test,’ explained Lucy. ‘I’m not pregnant.’
‘Oh Lucy, I’m so sorry,’ said Nicola. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Not great,’ said Lucy, her voice wobbling.
‘It’s so hard,’ Nicola sympathized. ‘You just have to try and stay strong.’
‘I know…’
‘I remember feeling so depressed every time it didn’t work, but you just have to pick yourself up and carry on. Remember it took me four times to fall pregnant with Maisy, but it did happen in the end.’
‘I just feel like I’ve failed,’ said Lucy.
‘You haven’t failed. It’s just probability and chance, and nothing anyone can do can change that.’
‘You’re right,’ said Lucy. She told herself that all was not lost; she had known that it would take time. She could and would cope with the disappointment. All she could do was begin to prepare herself for the build-up to round three, there was no way she was giving up now.
Lucy decided to go for a run, the best possible tonic for depressing news. Before setting off she messaged Claudia and Tor, letting them know the news and reassuring them that she was okay, that she was trying to stay positive. They replied with messages of encouragement, telling her to stay strong, and promising to call her later. Her friends really were an invaluable support network, and once again she counted her blessings, so thankful for everything that she did have in her life. As she ran, the pale mist of early morning hovered above the sea. A flight of birds migrating home flew over her head in a perfect V and Lucy marvelled at their uniform formation. Nature really was a miraculous force, so mysterious and yet somehow managing to work symbiotically, everything in delicate balance, in perfect harmony. She pounded the pathways, Kate Bush singing ‘Wuthering Heights’ in her ears, and let the beauty of the views uplift her spirits and revitalize her. Returning home, she felt renewed with energy and ready for anything.
As she looked through the windows into the cosy warmth of the kitchen, she saw Ollie standing at the sink, downing a pint of orange squash, still wearing his pyjamas. Annie would be eating her breakfast in bed by now, brought to her on a tray by Ginny each morning, and would eventually make her way downstairs by about eleven o’clock. Ginny and Gus were sitting at the breakfast table eating toast and marmalade, reading the morning papers while the television flickered in the background.
‘Hi darling,’ Ginny said as she opened the door. ‘Good run?’
‘Lovely thanks, it’s cold out but there’s a beautiful mist over the sea that’s really stunning,’ Lucy said.
‘Oh great, I’ll take Tiggy down there after breakfast!’ said Ginny.
Gus asked, ‘Do you want a cup of coffee? I’m going to make another one.’
Lucy shook her head saying that she would shower first and then come and eat something. She climbed the creaking stairs to the attic, stripping off her clothes and throwing them into the laundry basket before stepping under the power shower in her bathroom, letting the hot water stream over her and wash away her disappointment, preparing herself for the day ahead.
Later on that day she instructed her family members on their roles for the canapé manufacturing chain she had set up around the kitchen table. They spent a happy couple of hours at work, chatting as they went. By the time they had finished, the pine table was covere
d in plates and dishes of various shapes and sizes. Each one had an appetizing selection of canapés arranged across its surface: smoked salmon on brown bread covered with curls of lemon zest and black pepper, cherry tomatoes stuffed with blue cheese, prawns on mini pastry puffs, cheese twists, blinis with cream cheese and caviar, and honey and mustard sausages. She surveyed the spread with satisfaction as Gus stocked the fridge with champagne and Ollie lit the fires to warm the house up.
As their guests arrived, the house was warm and cosy, the decorations radiated festive cheer and Christmas carols filled the air. The festive spirit cheered Lucy up enormously. She loved catching up with old family friends at this time of year, it was a lovely tradition that she hoped would last long into the future, with the new generations that were hopefully to come. Granny Annie charmed the socks off everyone in her sweet little dress and matching turquoise jewellery, she was always everybody’s favourite guest and she loved regaling the young with stories of her misspent youth. Gus and Ollie made sure that no one’s glass was ever empty and Lucy and Ginny handed around the plates of canapés, which everyone said were the best they had had in years.
After everyone had left, the five of them sat down for dinner, their annual Christmas Eve feast of baked ham, Cumberland sauce, cauliflower cheese and jacket potatoes. They played a game of charades; Gus had everyone in stitches as he tried to act out Pretty Woman. Afterwards the four of them flopped on the sofa to watch a bit of Michael McIntyre’s Christmas special. Granny Annie had already gone to bed, exhausted after such a busy day. Lucy and Ollie stayed up till midnight in honour of the tradition they had started as children, much to Ginny and Gus’s annoyance as they had waited for them to finally go to sleep so that Santa Clause could come undetected.
The rest of Christmas passed in a blur of food, champagne, carols, church and frosty walks, before Lucy set off once more for London. She had been touched to receive an envelope from her parents which contained a cheque to put towards her treatment. She realized that this was a sign of them giving her their blessing and was very grateful; every penny counted as the process certainly wasn’t cheap. She only had enough money for one more round so this would enable her to continue with a fourth cycle if she needed it. Finding a moment alone with her parents, she had thanked them for their present.
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