On Sunday morning, after a deep and undisturbed sleep thanks to the depths of the countryside and without London’s sirens and building works to awaken them, Lucy and Rory made their way down for a late breakfast. Paddy was in charge of cooking breakfast on Sunday mornings.
‘The full Irish, my love?’ he asked Lucy.
‘How kind!’ she said as he presented them with a plate of bacon and eggs with sides of mushrooms, tomatoes and fried bread. Lucy’s stomach turned slightly at the sight of it, but she was determined not to be rude, and gratefully accepted the plate before sitting down at the table, breathing deeply to rid herself of the wave of nausea that was washing up the back of her throat. She felt so sick at the thought of having to eat the eggs that she felt absurdly close to tears.
Rory noticed her expression and the greenish tinge to her complexion, and whispered, ‘You okay?’ with a concerned look on his face.
‘I’m just feeling a little bit sick,’ said Lucy, trying to put a smile on her face.
‘You haven’t been right for some time, have you?’ said Rory, looking worried. ‘Perhaps you should see a doctor when you get back home?’ he suggested. ‘These things don’t usually last so long.’
‘Perhaps you’re right,’ agreed Lucy, crossing her fingers tightly behind her back as she did so, unable to even contemplate where this conversation could end up. Forcing herself to be brave, she loaded her fork with a mouthful of eggs, took a bite, and realized too late her mistake. There was no way she was going to be able to keep that down. Overwhelmed with the sure knowledge that she was about to be sick, she pushed her chair back from the table as fast as she possibly could and ran to the nearest bathroom, reaching the loo just in time.
After she had been sick she felt slightly better, but the feeling just wouldn’t go away. She knew that she could put it off no longer, her heart began to sink as she realized that the feeling of being under the weather that she had been unable to shake off for the last few weeks may well be easily explained. The bittersweet realization hit her: she must be pregnant.
Rory was waiting outside the door. Checking whether it was okay to come in, he nudged the door open and came and sat next to her on the floor, rubbing her back. ‘You poor thing,’ he said. ‘What can I do to make you feel better? I can’t bear seeing you like this.’
She suddenly realised that she couldn’t put it off a moment longer. She had to know once and for all. ‘Rory,’ said Lucy, taking a deep breath, ‘would you mind driving me to the pharmacy?’ she asked. ‘I think I had better do a test.’
A shadow of confusion flickered over Rory’s face, swiftly followed by understanding. ‘Oh, you think you could be pregnant?’ he asked, unable to stop the beginnings of a smile from twitching at the corners of his mouth.
Lucy shook her head, ‘I don’t know.’
Rory gave her a hug and said, ‘Well, that wouldn’t be a bad thing, y’know. I mean, I haven’t really thought about it, but definitely someday I’d love nothing more.’ Seeing her worried expression, he said, ‘It’d be okay, Lucy, really it would.’
She loved him even more for his reaction, but the truth was, it would not be okay if the baby was not his. She felt as though she was on the precipice of a cliff about to step off the edge. As soon as she crossed that point she knew there would be no going back. She just couldn’t put it off any longer.
The rest of the family were heading out for a long walk up the Sugarloaf. They were very understanding and sympathetic when they heard that Lucy wasn’t feeling well and agreed that it would be best if they just stayed at home so she could rest. As soon as they had gone, Rory nipped out to the local pharmacy to buy Lucy a test. The wait for him to return was one of the longest of Lucy’s life. She felt as though her perfect future was in the palm of her hand but that it had suddenly started to crumble, sliding through her grasp like grains of sand disappearing into the wind.
A short while later Rory came back, clutching a paper bag. He seemed in an indescribably happy mood, the prospect of impending fatherhood did not seem to worry him in the slightest; in fact, Lucy realized, his eyes were full of hope. He was hoping the result might be positive. If only he knew what that could mean, that the baby could just as easily not be his. How could fate be so cruel?
Smiling thanks to Rory for buying her the test, she went into the bathroom, clutching the little box. She knew the routine; she had done it many times before, remembering the crushing disappointment each time a single blue line appeared. As she peed on the stick, she caught a flicker of hope, of excitement, that the baby she had longed for, had worked so hard for, might finally have arrived. But this was overshadowed with utter dread for the implications of what that would mean. If she was pregnant, the baby would either be Rory’s or an unknown donor. If it was Rory’s then she could allow herself to believe that he could forgive her, that he would stay by her side and everything would be okay. It might be a bit soon in their relationship but she was confident they would be strong enough to make it work. But if it turned out the baby wasn’t his….she couldn’t bear thinking about it. She couldn’t believe the timing. He had just told her that he loved her and now she was potentially about to destroy everything. She had to be honest with him.
Rory knocked on the door, and said, ‘Luce, let’s wait for the results together, okay?’ He saw tears wetting her cheeks and wiped them away with kisses. ‘Hey, don’t cry, I know that this is scary but we’ll get through it together. I love you, Lucy,’ he said, wrapping his arms around her.
‘I love you too,’ whispered Lucy, knowing that those words had never been more truly spoken.
They sat on the sofa, the stick in front of them, waiting. Nothing happened. They stared at the little square window where the results would show. The seconds ticked by. Eventually two thin blue lines began to emerge. Instantly, Lucy knew that this time was different. She felt time slow down as her mind spun with a million different emotions. A tidal wave of joy rushed over her: pure, undiluted joy at the knowledge that she was finally, finally pregnant. She was also flooded with a feeling of relief that she had been able to conceive when she knew only too well how many women could not, but mostly she was filled with terror at the thought of having to tell Rory that this baby may not be his. All these emotions came at once, a wall of feeling that she was slammed into with full force.
Meanwhile Rory had been giving a running commentary of ‘There are two lines, are there two lines? What does that mean? That means you’re pregnant, right? Oh my god, let me check the packet. Yes, it says two lines pregnant. Oh my god. Oh my GOD… you’re PREGNANT!!!’ This last bit he shouted so loudly, a grin exploding from ear to ear as he grabbed Lucy and kissed her all over her face, saying over and over again, ‘Oh my god, I can’t believe it, I just can’t believe it.’
Lucy quietly said, ‘Rory,’ trying to get his attention. She repeated it several times but to no avail, eventually she rose her voice and shouted, ‘Rory, stop!’
He looked at her in confusion. ‘What is it?’ he muttered quietly, seeing something in her eyes that filled his face with instant doubt.
‘I’ve got something I need to tell you,’ she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.
‘No!’ said Rory. ‘I don’t want to hear it.’
‘You have to,’ said Lucy, shaking her head. She took his hands in hers and whispered, ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘You’ve cheated on me, haven’t you,’ whispered Rory, tears suddenly glistening in his eyes too, his voice unsteady.
‘No, I swear. I would never, ever do that to you. I love you. I love you so, so much,’ she said softly, her eyes drinking in the man of her dreams as he sat before her, the man she adored more than life itself, that she couldn’t bear to live without. ‘I don’t know how to tell you this. I’ve wanted to, so many times, but I couldn’t find the words. I didn’t think you’d understand.’
‘Try me,’ said Rory, his voice sounding tight and firm.
She could feel him trying to d
istance himself from her, trying to regain some ground as he felt the world shift beneath him. He had already experienced so much loss, so much heartache, she couldn’t bear the thought of hurting him.
‘Before I met you, I had given up on men. When Alex left me, I thought that was it, that I had had my chance at love, at having a traditional family with a husband and a child. It hit me very hard. I was so lost. I decided to take control of my life once and for all. The thing that I knew I wanted more than anything else in the world was a baby. I knew that at thirty-six I didn’t have long left to try. I thought long and hard about it, I really did, and I decided that I wanted to have a baby, no matter what. I didn’t have a partner but that didn’t mean it was impossible. I did lots of research and I found an amazing clinic. They helped me to go through a process called intra-uterine insemination. It meant that I would try to conceive using a donor’s sperm. The first and second rounds of IUI failed.’ Taking a deep breath, she continued, ‘After my third round of treatment I went to Holland Park to go for a walk and clear my head. That’s when I met you in the queue to buy coffee…’
As Lucy spoke, understanding dawned on Rory’s face, the creases around his eyes and on his forehead grew deeper, a look of exhaustion, maybe anger, passed over his face. He lowered his head into his hands and rubbed his forehead. ‘But, that time, when the condom split… I thought, I assumed, it was my baby,’ he muttered.
‘That was only a week later. It could be yours. I have no way of knowing,’ she whispered, as tears slowly rolled down her cheek. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know what to do, and then I got my period and I thought I definitely wasn’t pregnant so it would all be okay. But now…’ she shook her head, sadly.
‘How could you not have told me?’ he asked, his eyes full of hurt. ‘How could you? I don’t understand…’ he trailed off. ‘If there’s one thing I thought we had it was honesty, no secrets…’
‘Please forgive me,’ she whispered. ‘It’ll be okay, I promise, we’ll figure it out. Please forgive me. You have to forgive me,’ she begged, her shoulders racking with sobs.
He just looked at her, a long and sorrowful look, and shrugged his shoulders. ‘I don’t know, Luce. I don’t know if I can. This whole situation it’s just… I don’t even know what to think. I’ve waited so long to meet you. You’re the first person I’ve really cared about in such a long time and now this? You could be pregnant with another man’s child? What am I supposed to do with that?’
She tried to put her arms around him, desperate for reassurance that everything would be okay, but he shrugged her off. His eyes were full of tears. She could see how disappointed he was. He muttered something about needing space then he got up from the sofa, walked over to the back door, grabbed his coat and went outside.
She watched him as he walked head down towards the woods at the bottom of the hill. She felt her heart wrench in pain and collapsed to her knees on the floor, unable to stop the tears from falling. She prayed that he would come back to her, that he would find it within himself to somehow understand, to somehow forgive her for not telling him the truth, but she had a sickening feeling, deep within her core, that it was too much for him. She couldn’t even let herself think it, but somewhere in the depths of her soul she knew that she had crossed a line that would be impossible for him to forgive, after everything he had been through, after all the loss he had known. If the baby wasn’t his, how could she expect him to stay with her and bring up another man’s child?
When Rory returned to the house quarter of an hour later, he was very quiet. He had clammed tightly shut like a sealed shell and Lucy was unable to draw anything out of him.
‘Rory, please talk to me,’ said Lucy.
‘I’m sorry, Lucy, but I just don’t want to talk about it anymore; I need time and space to think. This has been a lot for me to take in.’
When his family got back he did a valiant job of covering up what had happened while they were all out walking. He explained that Lucy had come down with the flu. The family were all too happy to send them off on their flight back to London later that afternoon, unwilling to catch any germs that could be avoided. They waved at Lucy, not getting too close for fear of infection, and she smiled gratefully at their warm, kind faces as they said goodbye. She watched them from the front seat of the car as Rory loaded their bags in the back, and felt her eyes fill once more with tears at the prospect of never seeing them again. Everything had been so perfect, too perfect perhaps.
Rory got in the car after saying a falsely cheery goodbye and revved the engine, putting his foot on the accelerator and swinging out of the drive. Lucy asked him if he was ready to talk. He shook his head. The look of hurt and confusion in his eyes broke her heart.
As they drove through the rolling hills, Lucy looked sadly out of the window and contemplated her new fate. Feelings of bitterness welled inside her at the thought of how unfair life was, at how awful the timing seemed to be. Just when she had her perfect future in the palm of her hand it was wrenched away and thrown into chaos. She couldn’t bear the irony of it all. In any other circumstance the sight of those two blue lines would have been the cause of the most immense joy, but now it was all unbearably bittersweet. Lucy was grasped once again in the disturbing clutches of the unknown, and the familiar feelings of doubt that she had tried so hard to get rid of settled over her, wrapping around her like a cloak.
The journey home was spent in silence. Lucy began to feel angry with Rory’s refusal to engage with her. This was the man who had sworn blind earlier that day that he would be there for her, no matter what. That he loved her. And now he could barely look at her, let alone talk to her about how he was feeling. She wished she could get inside his head and know even a tiny bit of what he was thinking. Did he hate her? What if the baby was his, what then?
She closed her eyes and wished herself anywhere but here, in this awful situation. The awkward silence continued as they made their way into the arrivals hall back in London.
He turned to face her and her heart melted at the sight of him, there were shadows under his eyes and his brow was twisted and creased with the weight of his thoughts. As they stood in the middle of the big, open space, he took a deep breath and said, ‘I think I’d better get home,’ his voice cracking slightly.
Tears sprung into her eyes once more. ‘Rory, don’t do this. We need to talk about it. Please… if we don’t, then we’ll never get through this…’ she begged.
He just looked at her, there were tears in his eyes once again.
‘What’s going to happen?’ she asked softly, hardly daring to even utter the words.
‘I don’t know,’ he said, looking at her with sorrow and regret. ‘I just don’t know,’ he repeated, shaking his head. Then he turned his back on her and strode off towards the train station, leaving her standing there with her little suitcase, bereft and miserable.
She had a sudden urge to scream his name and run after him, but she stood as though paralysed to the spot. She didn’t know what she could say to change his mind.
A few minutes later she followed in his footsteps, numbly making her way back home, her mind working overtime to process the day’s events. When she got back to her flat, she telephoned the clinic and told them that her recent pregnancy test had shown a positive result. The nurse said, ‘Oh what fantastic news! Congratulations! I hope you don’t mind me asking but why hadn’t you taken the test earlier?’
‘I had a completely normal period,’ Lucy explained. ‘I just assumed that it hadn’t worked… it wasn’t until I started feeling unwell that I thought I’d better take a test just in case…’ she trailed off.
The nurse said, ‘That is unusual but it’s not the first time I have heard it happen. You must be delighted. We’ll have you in tomorrow to see the sonographer for your early pregnancy scan.’
As Lucy put down the phone, she walked over to the long mirror and lifted up her top. She
prodded her tummy, looking for any signs of change.
Lucy spent the evening in quiet contemplation, trying to accept the path she had chosen to take without regret. Every time a thought along the lines of Why did I do this? popped into her head, she let it go. She reminded herself that there was absolutely no way she would do anything to harm this life that she had created. It had been her decision to have the treatment, she could never have guessed in a million years that someone like Rory was going to come along, out of the blue, and sweep her off her feet. Despite the unbearable sadness she felt when she thought about him, and the raw pain of the distance between them that grew with every second that passed, a quiet smile spread through her body at the knowledge that the baby she had dreamed of, the baby she had longed for, was growing safely inside her. A sense of peace settled on the part of her heart that had been desperate for a child. She was going to have a baby, and as long as she had that she would be fine, heartbroken maybe, but she wouldn’t be alone, she would have her own family. All she could do was give Rory space and time to process the bombshell she had dropped on him, and pray for him to come back to her. As she rested her hands lightly on her tummy, she told her baby that she loved it, that she would never, ever regret it.
Chapter Thirty-Four
The next morning, Lucy called in sick to work; seeing as she had spent the past couple of hours with her head over the loo, she didn’t even have to lie. It would appear her morning sickness had finally kicked in.
A few hours later, her nausea having mercifully beaten a temporary retreat, she caught the bus to the London Women’s Clinic. This time, it was with a very different feeling that she made her way through to the waiting room. A sad smile played on her lips as she looked at all the nervous couples and single women who sat around her, desperately hoping and praying for a miracle to happen to them, a miracle just like the one that had happened to her.
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