by Michelle Lee
Shared tears continue to fall between us.
“Dash…”
And before I can say any more, let him know that in my heart I know this, that my head still gets in the way sometimes, his lips find mine. And it is tender, unhurried, and full of everything it needs to be. Without breaking apart, Dash spins us around and lifts me up on top of his piano. My body plays random keys as he does. Our kiss deepens, tongues seeking the other out.
“I love you, Sunshine,” he whispers as his mouth trails down my neck.
“I love the way you feel, I love how your body knows me when I touch you. I love how generous you are with me, with your friends. I love that you are giving and feel with all your heart and soul. I love the beauty not only your skin possesses, but your heart as well. I love the way you make me want to be a better person. I love the way I feel when I’m with you. I love how you love me even though I know it’s hard sometimes. I love you,” he continues to say in between kisses all along my neck and jaw.
I wrap my legs around him, pulling him further into me. My panties find their way off, and Dash is slowly bending me to his will. Our bodies, minds, and souls become one. I relish the feel of him as he fills me and can’t help but get lost in all of it. The emotions course through my veins, meshing with my desire, want, and need for him. It’s overwhelming, and I succumb to it willingly. The images of my dream slowly fade away and are replaced with the memory we are making right now. I push my insecurities out of the way and let Dash and his love fill me completely.
“JULES, ARE YOU sure I can’t change your mind?” Hank asks in the doorway of my office.
A feeling of déjà vu fills me. “I’m sure, Hank. Maybe next year?”
“Fine, fine. But if you change your mind, the assignment is yours—just say the word.”
“I will, if I change my mind.”
Hank leaves, and I am left to get back to work.
South Beach would be fun this time of year, and covering the new wine festival they’ve added to their schedule is something I’d love to do, but Dash and I have plans to get away. Finally. Val’s key and cabin are finally going to be put to good use after the benefit concert.
I work a few more hours and cut out early to get ready for the benefit and pack for much-needed alone time with Dash. Things have been a little crazy lately. I’ve been busy with covering different local events, while Dash has been either rehearsing for the benefit or in the studio laying down tracks for the new album. We’ve been passing ships as of late, but after tonight that will all change. Some alone time, just the two of us in a secluded cabin, is just what the doctor ordered.
I log off my computer, grab my things, and head home, knowing I still have to pack and take care of a few more things. Quite honestly, it doesn’t matter because in a few hours it will be just me and Dash. A never-ending smile spreads across my lips as I head to the elevator and home.
I ARRIVE AT Club Z, and the line is wrapped round the building. I easily make my way to the front of the line, and Russell gives me a quick nod and smile then lets me in. I guess he’s on door duty tonight. I get bumped a couple of times because of my weekend bag. I find our way to the bar and I ask Jess, one of the bartenders I’ve become friendly with since they guys have been practicing for the benefit, to hold my bag behind the bar for me.
“Thanks, Jess.”
“No problem, Jules. Can I get you anything?”
“I’m good for now.”
“Dash has reserved a table for you and your friends. It’s over by the back corner. You’ve got a perfect view.”
“Thanks, Jess.”
“No problem. Have fun.”
I smile back at her just as she gets occupied with a customer. The club is beyond packed. I thought the line outside was insane, but inside it’s even crazier. I glance toward the back corner, and I find the reserved table. I take a seat, get settled, and turn my attention to the stage. The lights dim, and the first band takes the stage. The place erupts in utter chaos. I can’t imagine what will happen when Redemption performs. A proud smile pulls at my lips just thinking about it.
“There you are?” Tracy approaches the table, panting.
“You found me.”
“Obviously. This place is insane. Glad you’ve got connections, otherwise I think we would be waiting outside in that line. Didn’t people realize this gig would sell out?”
“I guess not, although I’m kinda surprised like you.”
“Well, no matter. We’re here and they’re not. Have you seen Val?”
“She’s floating around here somewhere. She said she would try to hang out, but more than likely it wouldn’t happen since she’s working with the other headlining band’s PR rep to make sure things are represented the way they should be across all social media outlets and whatnot.”
“No worries. We are so going to have fun with or without her. I’m beyond excited. Seeing all these cool bands in one night in such an intimate setting is going to be amazing. The energy in this place is off the charts and contagious. Can’t you feel it?”
She’s right. There is this unbelievable energy in the club, and it is contagious. My skin, my entire being, has been buzzing with excitement since I first stepped inside.
“Tonight is going to be epic! Oh, flag down that hottie… we need a drink or two or three to celebrate.”
SEVERAL DRINKS LATER and several bands later, and finally Redemption takes the stage. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them perform, and I am instantly mesmerized. Dash is sex personified on stage, the way his guitar slings low, the way he grips the microphone, the way his voice reverberates throughout the place and pulsates and tingles my core. And as predicted, the place goes nuts. Girls are screaming and clamoring to get closer to the stage.
During one song, his eyes find mine and it’s as if he’s singing just for me. It’s as if I’m the only one there, and he’s playing just for me. As the song comes to an end, he winks at me and the lights go out. The crowd roars for more.
The lights come back on, but instead of Redemption on stage, Savage is on. The crowd becomes deafening, and it is contagious. Tracy and I scream and yell and sing along. Yep, my inner rock chick has been awakened. And all thanks to the rock god in my life.
Tracy approves as we sing and sway to the music. I have never felt so at ease and so free.
Finally Savage finishes and asks all the bands to join them on stage. All the bands begin to sing The Beatles’ song “With a Little Help from my Friends” and the crowd responds by singing right along, louder than ever. Several times throughout the song, the bands allow the audience to sing instead of them, and it is amazing hearing so many people sing the words. I even join in, remembering some of the lyrics. The song ends, and the place darkens.
When the lights come back on the stage is cleared, and the sound system plays some random song through the speakers. The crowd disperses from the stage and some people find spots along the bar, at tables, or just simply leave.
I turn to Tracy, on a high I’ve never experienced before. “Tracy, that was…”
“I know, amazing, right?”
“Amazing is an understatement.”
I take the last few sips of my cocktail. “I’m gonna grab my bag and go find Dash.”
“Okay, have fun. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” she responds, waggling her eyebrows.
I simply roll my eyes. I push my way through the crowd, trying to get to the bar and retrieve my bag from Jess. Finally, after much difficulty, I arrive at my destination. Jess is way busy, and trying to get her attention is a feat in itself. I finally catch her eye, and she gives me the universal signal that she’ll be with me in a sec. I patiently wait, although I’m eager to find Dash and start our weekend.
“Hello, gorgeous,” an unfamiliar voice tickles my ear.
I turn and notice a blond man standing inches from me, and he looks vaguely familiar. I search my brain, and then it dawns on me; he’s the lead singer for Nomad’s Land.
>
“You’re the lead singer for Nomad’s Land, right?”
“Tripp, and you are?”
“Jules.”
“Well, Jules, it’s finally nice to meet you,” he says, his fingers trailing along my arm.
“I’m with Dash,” I blurt out.
“I know, but that doesn’t mean he can’t share, does it?”
I glare at him, disgust washing over my face.
“When you’re done with him or he’s done with you, whichever comes first, find me, okay?”
He leans in, his breath on my ear. “I can show you and teach you things Ford can’t, and you won’t be sorry.”
Before I can respond, he’s gone. Jess finally makes her way over to me and hands me my bag. I thankfully take it and go in search of Dash. I scan the club, but of course in the sea of people, he’s impossible to find.
“You looking for Dash?” a voice calls behind me.
I turn and see Roland standing there.
“Um, yeah, you’ve seen him?”
“He’s backstage, getting cleaned up. He said for you to go to the dressing room.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks, Roland.”
“Anytime.” He smiles, and it doesn’t light up his face. In fact, it darkens it.
I shake the feeling and hold on tight to my bag as I make my way through the crowd to backstage. Backstage is peppered here and there with fans and members of the various bands. I find Dash’s dressing room and open the door.
Paralyzed.
I can’t move.
The image before can’t be real.
“You looking for Dash?” Nadia purrs on the leather couch against the wall. Her naked body is glistening with sweat, her hair slightly messy. I blink and feel the tears prick behind my eyes.
“He’s in the shower… cleaning up.”
I turn my attention to the closed door and hear the water running and Dash humming. He sounds happy, content, satisfied. Tears silently fall down my face, and my bag drops with a thud.
“I’ll be right out, baby,” he calls from the shower.
My heart seizes in my chest, and I feel numb and dizzy at the same time. My eyes dart around and on the floor, tangled together, are his jeans and shirt and her red dress. It’s as if they are meant to be together.
“I told you, you were just a distraction. I told you that he would come back to me.” Her hand trails along her naked chest.
“Hmmmm, so good, so together, so in sync. It’s like riding a bike,” she taunts.
“I told you, you would get hurt. I told you to get out while you could, but of course you wouldn’t listen. You thought you could keep him happy. He’s only happy with me, and the sooner you realize that and remember that, the better. I suggest you forget…”
And before she can say another word, my legs carry me away, far away. My dream comes crashing back. Roland’s words. Blake’s words.
It’s all come true, all come true. I push my way through the remaining bodies in the club, never seeing any faces. My heart is pounding, the blood swooshing through my veins, and my lungs burn. Finally, I make it to the entrance and Russell gives me a puzzled look. I shake my head at him and blow right past him, pushing the door wide open. I hear Russell call to me, but I ignore him and continue walking. The night air smacks me in the face as rain pours down on me and my world.
What world?
I have nothing now.
I wrap my arms around my torso, trying desperately to hold everything together as I make my way through the streets of Seattle.
Alone.
Shattered.
Coming undone.
THE SAFETY OF my apartment offers no comfort.
I’m numb.
I’m frozen.
My rain-soaked clothes cling to my body and I tremble, unable to peel myself off the floor just inside the entrance. My heart is ripping to shreds inside my chest. My head is throbbing, and I am finding it very hard to breathe. I desperately try to fill my lungs with air, but it’s almost as if my throat is closed and my unconscious mind wants it all to be… done. It would be so much easier to not feel anything, but I am feeling—feeling all of it: pain, hurt, despair, heartache, disgust, loneliness, anger, stupidity. The list goes on and on.
He loves me, he loves me, he loves me.
He loved me.
It was a dream, a nightmare; it wasn’t real. He didn’t, he couldn’t… Nadia was a figment of my imagination, conjured up by my insecurities. My heart twists and knots inside my chest, knowing I’m lying to myself. My eyes, my mind, my heart, and my soul know exactly what they saw—the truth.
Roland warned me time and time again I would never fit in… I wasn’t enough.
Blake said…
Why didn’t I listen?
Why didn’t I get out before I…?
The last thought hurts too much, and I crumble to the floor, tears streaming effortlessly down my face. My body shakes and shudders as sobs rip through me. I’m drowning in a sea of emotional turmoil, unable to resurface. Honestly, I have no fight left in me. It’s too hard; it’s all too hard.
How can I go back? How can I after what he’s shown me? Nothing or no one will ever compare to what we have, what we had.
More unanswered questions and images torment me over and over.
I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. I wish I could wake up and have Dash laying next me, sleeping. But the reality of it is: I am awake, and as much as I wish I wasn’t, I am. I can’t stop the relentless tidal waves that continue to keep me submerged. A quiet knock offers a life boat, but I can’t get to it. There’s another knock, slightly louder.
“Jules?” Dash’s pained voice calls from the other side of the door.
I’m paralyzed. I can’t move; I won’t move. I know what he’s going to say, and I just don’t want to hear it, not now, not ever.
“Jules, please, open up.” His voice is a whisper trying to cut through my agony.
I don’t move.
Click.
The door quietly closes.
Strong arms wrap around me and, try as I might, I don’t have enough strength to fight against them. I wiggle and squirm as he brings me to my feet, but my efforts are futile.
“Jesus, Jules, you’re fucking soaked. You’re gonna freeze to death.” Dash’s concerned voice cuts through my icy exterior, slowly melting me.
Snap out of it, Bennett.
It will be worse if you allow him to explain when there is no explanation except for one. You don’t belong in his world. You never have, you never will. Even if he loves you until the end of time, it doesn’t fucking matter. It’s just not enough. I’m just not enough. I find my strength and fight against his muscled arms. Dash halts his movements and releases me. I stumble back. He reaches for me, but instinctively I jerk my arm away.
“Don’t.” My voice is unfamiliar, venomous.
“Jules, please, it’s not what you think,” he begins to explain.
I blink the last of my tears away and look at him, pain and hurt evident in his blue eyes. I fight the tidal wave that threatens to drown me again, keeping my dam strong. I look away, not wanting to see it in his eyes when he tells me the truth, tells me it’s over.
He takes my silence as encouragement to continue. “I didn’t know Nadia was there; I thought it was you when I heard a voice. When I came out of the shower, I, fuck, I was so fucking livid. She was there, fucking naked on the couch, waiting, waiting for me. When I saw your bag on the floor, I knew you had been there, and she confirmed it. It took some doing, but I finally got her to admit what she said to you. God, Jules, you have to know that I would never, fuck, I could never…” He paces the small space between us like a caged animal, pulling at his hair again. “I love you, only you. I meant it when I said she meant nothing to me; she still doesn’t. You’re my world, my whole world. I don’t think I could live another day if I didn’t have you in it. Fuck, Jules, you’re the air I breathe. Without you, I can’t live. There’s no reason to. I kno
w Nadia made it look like I fucked her, but I didn’t, I wouldn’t, I couldn’t.”
Silence, except for our heavy breathing, fills the space between us. His words swirl around in my head. He wasn’t with her. It was all a setup to make me think Dash was with her, that he wanted her and not me, that I never meant anything to him. Anger begins to creep its way into my bones. If I could go back, I would rip that fucking skank’s hair out by the fucking roots.
But then it hits me like a freight train: if Nadia is willing to go to such lengths, why wouldn’t someone else? There will always be an obstacle in the way in the form of some girl who thinks, because of what Dash does, they can have a piece of him. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that. I don’t think I should have to be. The tears bubble to the surface and slowly trickle down my cheeks. I know what I must do, and as much as it will pain me, I must do it. I have to save my heart, protect it against further hurt—at all costs. Even if it means losing my heart forever.
“Dash,” I begin, my voice barely a whisper, “I believe you, but…”
“That’s all I need to hear,” he says, stepping toward me.
I put my hand up, stopping him from getting any closer.
Stay strong, Jules, stay strong.
I take a deep breath and continue. “But, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this. Nadia isn’t the first, nor will she be the last girl who will push me out of the way like I don’t matter. Shit, the whole world thinks you’re single, that I’m not even your girlfriend. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my entire life, but I need to protect my heart, Dash. I’m just not… not strong enough to be the girl you need me to be. I don’t want to have to be looking over my shoulder wondering who’s going to step on me to get to you. I… I just can’t do that. I’m not meant to be in your world. I thought I was, but I was wrong. We’re too different. I’m not… I’m just… I’m sorry, Dash, but…”