by Dave Barry
So lawyers, for want of anything better to do, formed legislatures, which are basically organizations that meet from time to time to invent new laws. Before long, the country had scads of laws—laws governing the watering of lawns, laws governing the spaying of dogs, laws governing the production and sale of fudge, and so on—and today nobody has the slightest idea what is legal and what is not. This has led to an enormous demand for lawyers. Lawyers don’t understand the legal system any better than the rest of us do, but they are willing to talk about it in an impressive manner for large sums of money. In today’s legal system, the frontier murder trial would go like this:
SHERIFF: Your honor ...
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I object. In his use of the word “your,” the witness is clearly stipulating the jurisprudence of a writ of deus ex machine.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: On the contrary. In the case of Merke v. Barnbuster, the Court clearly ruled that an ex post facto debenture does not preclude the use of the word “your” in a matter of ad hoc quod erat demonstrandum.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Oh yeah? Well Carthaginia delendo est.
This goes on for several hours, until everybody has forgotten what the trial was about in the first place and the defendant is able to sneak out of the courtroom, unnoticed.
Into The Round File
I like to cheer myself up by pretending that my Mail actually screams when I throw it into the wastebasket:
Dear MR. BARRY:
You have almost certainly won a trillion dollars. We’re dead serious, MR. BARRY. We’re a gigantic publishing company and we just woke up this morning and we said, “By God, let’s send one trillion dollars to
MR. BARRY, no strings attached.” That’s just the kind of gigantic publishing company we are. And frankly, MR. BARRY, you are under no obligation whatsoever to take a six-week trial subscription to a new Magazine called PhOtograPhs of homes That Are Much Nicer Than Yours, because all we really want to do, MR. BARRY, is send you one trillion ...
AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Dear Resident of the 15,924th District:
This is the first of an interminable series of newsletters I’ll be sending you at your expense so that you’ll have photographs of your representative in Washington representing you by eating breakfast with the President. I recently had an opportunity to exchange views with the President during an informal working orientation breakfast for the 742
new congresspersons, and the President and I agreed that one of the most important issues facing the nation, including the 15,924th district, is mineral resources on the ocean floor. I am pleased to report that I have been appointed to the influential Manganese Subcommittee of the House Special Select Committee on Grayish-White Metallic Elements, and I’m planning a fact-finding trip to ...
AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Dear Friend:
Every day, all over the world, innocent children with large, soulful eyes are getting terrible diseases. Also, countless furry little endangered species are being dismembered by industrialists wielding chain saws. This is all your fault. So we want you to send some money to ...
AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Dear Electric Customer:
Due to inflation, we have been forced to apply for a rate ... No, wait, forget that. We can’t use inflation anymore. Uh, let’s see ... Oh yeah. Due to the fact that our new Harbor Vista nuclear generating plant, if we ever get it finished, may have some piping problems that would cause it to emit a deadly cloud of radioactive gas the size of Canada, we have been forced to apply for a rate increase so we’ll be able to afford a really top-notch lawyer with his own jet and everything. We realize that, since we just got a rate increase last week, this may seem
...
AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Dear Mr. Barry:
In a recent column, you stated that Abraham Lincoln ran the hundred-yard dash in 8.4 seconds, and that ice fishermen have the same average IQ as mailboxes. As an avid ice fisherman, and chairman of the History Department at Myron B. Thalmus Junior College, I would like to know where you get your ...
AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Dear MR. BARRY:
Really! We mean it! One trillion dol ...
AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Dear Mr. Barry:
Unless you’re the kind of worthless scum that sat idly by while those thugs beat up that woman in New York some years back, you probably have been giving a lot of thought to your family’s financial security. No doubt you have said to yourself countless times, “Sure, I’d love to invest $10,000 or more in liquidated Option Debenture Fiduciary Instruments of Trust, but I don’t know where to mail a certified or cashier’s check.” Well, your worries are over, because ...
AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Dear Brother Barry:
As you are no doubt aware, the Reverend Bud Albumen didn’t develop one of the fastest-growing evangelical organizations in south central Kentucky just by accident. He developed it by building really top-notch studio facilities. But these facilities cost money, which is why the Lord told the Reverend Albumen to tell you to send in a Love Offering of
$13.50 per member of your household, or a special rate of $6.75, which is
a 50 percent discount, for children under ten. Just as soon as the Reverend Albumen receives your Love Offering, he will ask the Lord not to bring disease and suffering and mudslides to your home, but remember, he can’t do this until he receives your ... NO! NOT THE SCISSORS! PLEASE
DON’T ...
AAARRRGGGH
Clip.
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Document ID: 13b50c3a-267b-4665-8a74-a3f50480a6f5
Document version: 1
Document creation date: 2004-10-20
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