“Come on,” he said, taking her arm, without waiting for her reaction. There was a car waiting across the street for him, and as though swept downstream on a rushing river, he pushed the pram across the street with the baby, as she followed, and before she knew it, she was sitting in the back of his car, holding the baby, the driver had put the pram in the trunk, and Joe had climbed in beside her. “Where do you live?” She gave him the address, and he told the driver, as she sat back against the seat next to him with her baby “I only live a few blocks from you. In the penthouse because it gives me the feeling I'm flying. So what about you, what are you doing this summer?”
“I don't know… we… I…” She was beginning to feel overwhelmed by him, he was so strong and so powerful that he just swept one along, like a riptide. She felt as though she were about to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. He had always had that effect on her. She had never been able to resist him, or the electricity she felt when she was near him. There was an intensity to it, and to him, that left her breathless. And much to her dismay, even after three years, it seemed no different. It was just the way she reacted to him, and the way he handled people, particularly now that he was so successful. He was used to getting everything he wanted. “I don't know what our plans are,” she said vaguely, trying to keep her wits about her, and not feel the effect of him. Being with him was like a drug, and sitting with him in the car she felt the tug of her old addiction. She knew she had to resist. She was married now.
“I was going to Europe next week,” he chatted as they drove uptown, “but I just canceled. I've got too much work here with the airline. We're having the same old union problems we had in the beginning in New Jersey.” He drew her instantly into his circle of familiarity, talking about things she knew about and had been part of. It was a clever way of reminding her she had been his before she was Andy's. And as he sat next to her, Joe looked over at her with the smile that had cut right through her from the first moment they met. He didn't know what he was doing, it was instinctive, just like the pull he felt toward Kate as he sat beside her. They were like two animals sniffing the air and circling each other. “You and Andy should come flying with me sometime. Would he like that?” Probably. With anyone but Joe. He was a little sensitive on the subject, with good reason. He more than anyone knew how much Joe had meant to her. And she had been honest with him about how hard it had been to leave him. He also knew that if she hadn't, she would never have married him. He had never been able to compete with the glamour of Joe Allbright, or the magic Kate felt for him.
She didn't know what to say, so she told the truth. In a matter of minutes, he had already thrown her. And as soon as she said the words, she was sorry. It wasn't smart to give Joe too much information. He was liable to use it.
“He's away, in Germany. He's one of the counsel in the war crimes trials.”
“That's impressive. He must be a good lawyer,” he acknowledged, but his eyes never left Kate's, and were asking other questions, to which she had no answers, and if she did, she wouldn't give them to Joe.
“He is,” she said proudly. And with that, the car stopped at her building, and she got out as quickly as she could. The driver took the pram out of the trunk an instant later, and she put Reed in it, as Joe watched her. He was always watching. He saw everything, he always had, even what she didn't want him to see. And she knew him just as well. They were each like the inside of the other, two halves forming a whole, and held together by a magnetic force so powerful that they could barely resist it. And never had before. But she intended to this time. He was out of her life and he was going to stay that way. For her sake, as well as Andy's. She stuck out a hand formally to him and thanked him for the ride. She was suddenly a little more distant and chilly. It wasn't fair really, she was angry at him for what she felt, and had felt for him. It wasn't his fault that she was so irrevocably drawn to him. It just was. But she assured herself that now it meant nothing to her.
“You know where to find me,” he said somewhat arrogantly. Half the world did. “Call me sometime. We'll go flying.”
“Thanks, Joe,” she said, feeling like a young girl again. She was wearing a skirt and blouse and sandals, and he could see that even after the baby, her figure was still perfect. He remembered it distinctly. Three years hadn't dimmed the memories, or the feelings. “Thanks again for the ride,” she said, as he stood watching her roll the pram into the building. She didn't turn back to look at him, or wave. And she hoped that their paths wouldn't cross again. She felt breathless when she and Reed got back to the apartment. The whole experience of seeing him had made her feel uneasy. She wanted to say something to someone, to hang on to something solid, to explain that she hadn't felt anything for him, that she was over him, and glad she had married Andy, and had Reed. It was as though she had to excuse herself, or defend what had happened. She wanted to convince someone that he meant nothing to her. But she knew that if she had, she would have been lying. It was just the same as it had always been, for ten years.
16
KATE WOKE UP the morning after she ran into Joe, feeling heavy She had had bad dreams all night, and woke when the baby cried, with an uncomfortable feeling, as though she had betrayed Andy And then over a cup of coffee, after she put Reed down for a nap, she told herself that she had done nothing wrong. She hadn't been inappropriate, hadn't shown any interest in him, hadn't encouraged him in any way, hadn't said she'd call him. But without knowing why, she felt guilty about seeing him at all, as though she had been responsible for running into him, or had planned it, which of course, she hadn't. It was an unpleasant sensation and stayed with her all day. And that night, after she'd written Andy a letter and enclosed photographs of Reed, the phone rang. It was probably her mother, she decided, as she answered. But the voice at the other end nearly ripped her heart out. It was that same velvet roll of thunder that had always had the same effect on her, and she had longed for, for years.
“Hi, Kate.” He sounded tired and relaxed. It was late. And he was still in his office.
“Hi, Joe.” She didn't offer anything more than that. She waited. She had no idea why he would call her.
“I thought maybe you were bored with Andy away.” It was a clever choice of words. He said “bored,” not “lonely.” She was both in fact, but she had no intention of admitting it to him. “Would you like to have lunch, for old times' sake?” He sounded gentle and youthful, and almost humble. And safe, which was deceptive. Even if he meant it, he was not, and never would be for her.
“I don't think so.” It wasn't a good idea, and she knew it.
“I've always wanted you to see the building here in town. It's incredible. One of the most beautiful in the country. You were in on the beginning, I thought you'd want to see where it all went after… after you…”
“I'd like to, but I don't think we should.”
“Why not?” He sounded disappointed, and it touched her. Danger! Danger! It was like a sign flashing. But she chose to ignore it anyway.
“I don't know, Joe,” she said, sighing. She was tired. And he was so familiar. It was so comfortable talking to him, it made her want to turn back the clock. It suddenly made her think of the two years of agony when everyone thought he'd been killed, and seeing him on the ship for the first time when he came back from Germany. There were so many threads left from those days, dangling off her heart, but it wasn't enough to hang on to. “There's been a lot of water under the bridge since I left New Jersey.”
“That's my point. I want you to see what the dam looks like. It's a beauty.”
“You're hopeless,” she laughed at him. But she was feeling more comfortable with him.
“Am I? Why can't we be friends, Kate?” Because I still love you, she wanted to answer. Or did she? Maybe it was just the memory of love that looked like the real thing. Maybe all it had ever been was an illusion. What she had with Andy was real love. She was sure of it. Joe was something else, an illusion, a dream, a hope that refused to die, a childish fair
y tale that she always wanted a happy ending for and couldn't have. Joe was a disaster waiting to happen, and she knew it. They both did. “Have lunch with me … please… I'll behave. I promise.”
“I'm sure we both would,” she said firmly, “but why put ourselves through it?”
“Because we enjoy each other's company, we always did. What are you worried about anyway? You're married, you have a baby, a life. All I have are airplanes.” He tried to sound pathetic and she laughed at him.
“Don't give me that, Joe Allbright! That's all you ever wanted. More than you wanted me, in fact. That's why I left you.”
“We could have had both,” he said sadly, and this time he sounded as though he meant it. She hated him for saying it now. It was much, much too late.
“I tried telling you that, you wouldn't listen,” she said sadly.
“I was incredibly stupid and scared of getting tied down. I'm smarter now, and braver. I'm older. And I know what I lost when you left me. I was too proud to admit to you or myself then what you meant to me. My life has been meaningless without you, Kate.” Joe sounded just as he had when she loved him most and it was everything she had always wanted to hear from him. It was a cruel trick of fate to hear it now. Too late.
“I'm married, Joe,” she said softly.
“I know. I'm not asking you to change that. I understand that you've made a life for yourself. I just want lunch. A sandwich, an hour. You can spare me that. I just want to show you what I've done.” He sounded so proud of it, and as though he had no one to share it with, which was his own fault. She had to believe there had been other women since she left, but knowing him maybe not, or maybe no one important. He was consumed by his planes and his business. And he had long since been recognized as the world's most important airplane designer. He was a genius. “Will you do it, Kate? Hell, you can't have much else to do with Andy gone. Get a sitter and come to lunch with me, or bring the baby.” But she wouldn't have done that. She had already used several baby-sitters when she and Andy went out for the evening, and she had some good ones to call. She wouldn't have taken Reed to an office building, in case he disturbed the people working there.
“All right, all right,” she said with a sigh. It was like arguing with a kid. He was so damnably persuasive. “I'll do it.”
“You're wonderful, Kate. Thank you.” What difference did it make? she asked herself. Why on earth did he care if she saw his office? She had to keep reminding herself that she was married to Andy. “How about tomorrow?” he suggested.
She thought about it for a long moment, and then nodded. “Okay.” She wanted to get it behind her and prove that she could do it, without falling for him again, or wanting him, or being drawn to him. It had to be possible. It was like a reformed alcoholic proving to himself that he could walk past a bar without drinking. And she knew she could do it, no matter how appealing he was.
“Do you want me to pick you up?” he offered, and she declined. She said she'd meet him at the restaurant. He suggested Giovanni's, and she said she'd meet him at twelve-thirty
She arrived at the restaurant the next day, precisely on time, in a white linen suit, with her hair pulled back and a big straw hat she had bought at Bonwit Teller. She looked very chic, and Joe was waiting for her. He kissed her on the cheek, and several people looked at them. He was a very distinctive figure, and easily recognized after all the press he got, and she was a beautiful woman in a great hat. But no one knew who she was.
“You always made me look good,” he said as they sat down in a corner booth that gave them a little privacy.
“You do fine on your own,” she smiled at him. It was fun to go out to lunch, and she was surprised to realize that she hadn't done it since before the baby was born. With Andy gone, she had nothing to do except take care of Reed, and it was nice to be out in the world again like a grown-up. She loved Reed, but she had no one to talk to. Her childhood friends were all in Boston, and she had lost track of most of them during her years with Joe. Her passion for him and the time she'd spent helping him set up his business had isolated her from everyone she'd ever known. And in the time since, she'd gotten wrapped up in Andy's life and their baby. She hadn't had the time or desire to make new friends.
She and Joe talked about a thousand things at lunch, about his company, his designs, his problems, his latest airplane. And then they spent an hour talking about his airline. He was involved in a multitude of exciting projects. It was a far cry from her own life. She was leading a quiet, happy little life with her husband and her baby.
“Are you going to get a job now, Kate?” he asked her. He had been a perfect gentleman all through lunch, and she was surprised to find how comfortable she was with him.
“I don't think so. I want to be home with the baby.” But she had thought of it. Andy really didn't want her to, and for the moment she had agreed not to. She had enjoyed her job at the Metropolitan, but she had no burning desire for a career.
“He's a cute kid, but it must be pretty boring,” Joe said honestly, and she laughed.
“It is, sometimes. But it's fun too.”
“I'm glad you're happy, Kate,” he said as he searched her face, and she nodded. She didn't want to talk about that with him. It opened too many doors to the past, and she didn't think they should talk about Andy, it seemed disrespectful to her. She knew he wouldn't have liked her having lunch with Joe, but she had felt it was something she had to do to prove something to herself. And it had been harmless. All they had done really was talk about aviation. It was still his favorite subject, and she knew a fair amount about it, or used to. He had always valued her advice, and he had loved it when she worked in the business with him in the beginning. It was why she understood so much of what he was doing. But the business had grown exponentially since then. And she knew nothing about his airline, except what she read in the papers.
They got in his car when they left the restaurant, and she was enormously impressed when she saw his office building. It was an entire skyscraper filled with the people he employed, both for his design company and his airline.
“My God, Joe, who would have thought it would have grown into all this?” In five years, he had built an empire.
“It's kind of amazing when you think I started out as a kid hanging around an airstrip. That's what this country's about, Kate. I'm very grateful.” He sounded humble, which touched her a lot.
“You should be grateful.” She whistled when she saw his office, on the top floor, overlooking all of New York. It really was like flying. It was wood-paneled, and there were handsome English antiques around the room, and paintings that she recognized. He had some very important art, and extraordinary taste. He was a remarkable man, and well on his way to becoming one of the richest men in the world. But, she reminded herself, she could have shared all of this with him on his terms—no marriage, no children. But no matter what he had accomplished, or acquired, it still wasn't a life she would have wanted, no matter how much she loved him. Even more so perhaps because she did. She preferred what she had with Andy, and their baby. For Kate, it had never been about money. It had been about love and commitment and kids, which was what she had now. But not with Joe. She had made her peace with the idea that she couldn't have everything she wanted a long time since.
She walked into the conference room with him, and he introduced her to several people, including his secretary, who had been with him right from the beginning and was thrilled to see Kate again. Her name was Hazel and she was a very sweet woman.
“I'm so happy to see you! Joe says you just had a baby. You sure don't look it!” Kate thanked her, and they went back to sit in Joe's office for a few minutes. But she had to get back to Reed soon. She had told the sitter she would be back at three-thirty and it was nearly that now. And she needed to nurse him soon.
“Thank you for having lunch with me,” he said as she began to make noises about leaving.
“I think I wanted to prove to myself, as much as to
you, that we can be friends.” It had been a formidable challenge. But she had met it well.
“And, did I pass the test? Can we?” He looked innocent and hopeful, and she smiled.
“You didn't need to pass the test, Joe,” she said honestly, “I did.”
“I think we passed with flying colors.” He seemed pleased.
“I hope so,” she said, looking prettier than ever beneath the big straw hat. Her eyes looked to him like they were dancing. Everything about her had always fascinated him. She was so full of life, and so young and so pretty. She had been everything he wanted in a woman. But she wanted more from him than he could give her, or any woman. She had wanted too much.
She stood up then and kissed his cheek, and he closed his eyes as he smelled her perfume. For an instant, it was painfully familiar, just as the feel of his skin was to her and the way he held her. There were a lot of things, maybe too many things, that they both remembered. The memories were under their skin and in their hearts and their bones.
“Let's have lunch again,” he said as he took her downstairs to put her in the car. He was sending her back uptown with his driver.
“I'd like that,” she said softly.
He closed the door of the limousine for her, and she waved as they drove away. He stood watching his car for a long moment, and then went back upstairs and sat down at his desk, and frantically began drawing airplanes.
It was a week later, on a hot night, when she sat in the air conditioning, watching television. The baby was asleep when the phone rang. It was Joe, and she was surprised to hear him. She had been relieved by how well their lunch went, and she was proud of herself about it. It had been bittersweet, and kind of fun, but not agonizing. And afterward, she had been happy to get home to her baby and a letter from Andy. Joe was entirely a thing of the past now.
“What are you up to?” he asked, sounding relaxed. He was at home, doing nothing, and he'd been thinking about her.
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