by Rebel Miller
There was nothing I could say.
“He who hesitates, loses the prize,” he added.
CHAPTER FIVE
“There you are,” Ma said.
I was lying on the rug in the sitting area of our family home, tugging on locks of my hair. I had been staring into the fireplace, watching the flames lick hypnotically around the logs, when Ma came to crouch over me with a smile.
They said I looked exactly like my mother, and I hoped so, since Ma was a strikingly beautiful woman. She was tall and curvaceous with cinnamon-colored eyes, skin like bronzed silk, and dark, tightly curled hair threaded with copper highlights. Her lips were full and her cheekbones high. She had a smile that made the men in our family agree to whatever she said or wanted. Many times I’d caught my father looking at her while she talked, probably about something related to the house or how frustrating I was, and the look was startling in its intimacy. It was more than love — it was dedication and promise, and Da seemed completely helpless in it.
“So pensive,” Ma said, fussing with a few strands of my hair. “What are you thinking about?”
“Just work.” Yes, some of my thoughts were indeed occupied by the Judiciary.
“You and your work,” she said. “You’re just like Khelan.”
“And yet we’re not even truly related,” I said. “Imagine that!”
She made a face and, with hopeful eyes, redirected our dialogue to another topic. “Meet anyone of interest at work?”
I thought about the two figures who were at the forefront of my thoughts. “Not a soul,” I lied.
She pursed her lips, obviously unconvinced. “Well there’s always Lukas, I suppose,” she murmured, getting up. I watched her walk into the kitchen and tugged harder at my hair, cringing at my self-inflicted pain.
“If you invite that clown into this family, I will disown you,” Rhoan threatened from his seat on the couch across the room. He took a hulking bite out of a slice of spice cake.
We had arrived at the family home early that afternoon for our standing weekly dinner. Shortly after eating, I’d decided that the best way to find relief from the gross amount of food I ingested was to lie prostrate, allowing the meal to have its way with me. As I lay there, the fire lulled my frantic thoughts about work and, of course, Gannon and Tai.
Tai had arrived back the day before and had immediately messaged me, promising to come by tonight. He seemed anxious, which at first I thought was a reflection of my own jangled emotions, but there was an edge to our conversation that made me suspect there was something more. I desperately wanted to see him, but I was conscious of how we might interact now that some time had passed since we had awkwardly parted ways, and especially after my tumultuous encounter with Gannon, who had been messaging me regularly since.
Most of Gannon’s messages related to the task force proposal, which I thought was strategic on his part. He knew I would be obligated to respond to those, since they were work-related. But every now and then, a message popped up that commented on the apparent beauty of my eyes, lips and mind. After reading these ones a few too many times, I began to disregard them, with a shake of my head and a reluctant smile.
I peered up at Rhoan. “Why don’t you like Lukas?” I asked. Genuinely interested, I eased myself up onto my elbows.
“That’s the problem,” he mumbled, his mouth full. “There’s isn’t anything not to like.”
“So you’d rather I be with someone who’s flawed?” I asked.
“I’m just saying it’s unnatural.” He stuffed the remainder of the cake into his mouth.
I rolled my eyes. “I happen to think the amount you eat is unnatural.”
Rhoan shrugged and tugged his tablet out from under a cushion.
Grinning, I struggled to my feet. I took a deep breath and was pleased that I could now inhale comfortably without the threat of a rib snapping. I started for the kitchen, hoping to speak with Ma about plans for Sela’s baby welcoming.
As I drew closer to the room, my parents’ voices and laughter filled the air. I leaned against the doorjamb, just out of their eyesight, taking a moment to enjoy the happy scene. Uncle Khelan was also in the kitchen, smiling as he leaned against the counter by the sink, where Ma was washing her hands. Da sat at the table in the center of the room, smiling as well.
Since we’d first heard the news of Argon’s expulsion, there had been so much tension in our house. Ma, Da and Uncle Khelan were on pins and needles, waiting to hear word of Aunt Marah and her family’s status, so it was comforting to see them in a happier moment, a reminder of how we normally were.
Suddenly Da stood and walked over to Ma. He wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her in for a tight kiss. She laughed and flashed a bit of water from the faucet into his face. I smiled when he scowled and pulled her to him again for another kiss, this one deeper and more demanding. She murmured something as Da released her. She turned to the sink, but then looked over her shoulder to peer up at Uncle with a mischievous look. I cocked my head. That wasn’t an expression I was used to seeing on her.
Uncle leaned forward to whisper in her ear. Ma laughed out lustily and glanced at Da, who was watching her closely, his green eyes lit with interest. She turned her gaze to meet Uncle’s again, but this time her eyes held a gleam that I could only describe as provocative. Grinning, Uncle Khelan brushed a hand down her arm before pushing away from the counter and heading over to the cooler. Da smirked and returned to his chair.
Woodenly, I stepped back from the door and turned down the hall to go back to the sitting area. There, I stood in the entryway, staring sightlessly into the room.
“What?” Rhoan asked.
I blinked and looked at him. “I just …” I looked behind me, toward the kitchen. I must have been confused. I gave a short laugh and shook my head, turning back to him. “Never mind.”
Rhoan gave me an odd look as he went to the couch. “Tai’s here,” he said.
My heart jumped to my throat. I looked to the doorway on the opposite side of the room to find Tai. His eyes held mine as he slid his duffel bag off a shoulder and rested it on a nearby table. I held my breath as my eyes ate him up. He opened his mouth as if to say something, then must have changed his mind, because he held silent.
I stepped toward him but faltered when he visibly tensed.
Tai glanced at my brother. “I was just telling Rhoan that I came with news about your aunt’s family.”
“Oh.” I wrapped my arms around my waist, uncertain what to do with my hands since I couldn’t do what I wanted, which was reach out to him. I stepped back.
Rhoan came over to lean through the entryway and yell for our parents and uncle to come to the sitting area. Meanwhile, Tai’s eyes swept over me greedily.
My parents followed Uncle Khelan into the room almost immediately.
“Tai,” Uncle said in greeting, clasping his hand in a firm shake. “What have you learned?”
Tai greeted Da the same way and kissed my mother lightly on the cheek. Finally, he spoke.
“I’ve been on Dignitas for the past week, conducting an investigation,” he began. “By chance I came across a number of high-level protectors, so I used the opportunity to flush out some information.” Tai glanced at me, his expression grim, before looking back to Uncle Khelan. “Tomorrow, your sister and her family will be deported to Argon Four.”
“No,” Ma gasped and reached out to hold onto Uncle’s arm. He exhaled heavily and dropped his gaze from Tai’s, putting a hand over my mother’s. Da stood stoic behind them.
“They’ll be categorized in neutral status when they arrive,” Tai continued, his hands clasped behind his back. He was remote as he spoke and unwavering in his gaze, which he kept on my uncle. I searched his expression and realized he was relying on his training. I could imagine this was how he appeared when he had to report devastating news to the families of those lost in service to the Protectorate. I wanted to reach out to him, to find comfort and give it at the sa
me time. “This is a good sign,” he said. “Neutral status means they could be exempt once things settle down and the Realm has successfully placed the first group of exempt Argon citizens.”
My family stared at Tai in silence. After a long while, Da sent an unsteady glance to Uncle Khelan and Ma then stepped forward to approach Tai with a hand outstretched. “Thank you, Tai. We appreciate that you came to notify us. We’ll ensure that Marah and Paol know and are ready.”
With a slight frown, Tai accepted the handshake. “The neutral status is a way the Realm Council is recognizing that not everyone on Argon is at fault,” he pressed, looking between my parents and my uncle. “It’s a best-of-the-worst situation.”
“We understand,” Uncle Khelan said, finally raising his eyes to look at Tai.
Tai looked over to Rhoan and me, question in his gaze. I gave a helpless shake of my head — their passive responses surprised me as well.
Tai turned to Uncle Khelan. “They cannot be protected under neutral status if they resist the direction of the Realm,” he said cautiously.
Uncle Khelan’s expression became haunted. “There is no such thing as protection for a dissident of the Realm.”
* * *
“Come to the study,” I whispered as I walked by.
Tai was talking to Rhoan. My parents and Uncle Khelan had left for Aunt Marah’s to bring the news. I chanced a glance behind me to catch Tai’s eyes shifting to me, then I turned down the hallway.
I was standing in the middle of the study when he walked in a few moments later. He disengaged the door and, when it had quietly slid shut behind him, leaned heavily against it. There was a bleak cast to his eyes. I took a few steps toward him before stopping. He seemed so distant.
“Tai?”
He suddenly pushed away from the door, closing the short distance between us, cupped my face with his hands and took my mouth. Despite the firmness of his hold, his lips caressed and coaxed mine. I sighed heavily as I opened my mouth under his. The roughness of his palms abraded my cheeks, making me think about the gravity and danger of his work, what he was called to do for our system, for me.
Our agitation manifested itself in the heat of our kisses. Tai had gone to great risk bringing us news about my family, and I wanted him to feel the depth of my gratitude. I pulled him closer still, clutching at his sides, feeling the tension in his muscles ease beneath my searching hands. With a moan, I ran my palms over the wide expanse of his back then held his shirt in my fists as he found solace between my lips.
He took me off guard when he wrapped his arms around my back and lifted me off the floor, flush against him. I wrapped my legs about his waist as he dove deeper into my mouth. I relished the feel of his growing arousal cradled between my thighs. Tai groaned when our tongues met. I sucked at his tongue eagerly, making his distinct flavor my own. After a long moment, I had to pull back with a gasp. We rested our foreheads against each other’s, swallowing our panting breaths.
“Fuck, I missed you,” he said savagely.
I smiled at his ferocity, simply happy that I could hold him, that there wasn’t any strain or awkwardness between us after all after our short time apart.
Tai loosened his hold and I slid down his body, lowering my legs to the ground. He kissed my forehead then gently pulled my head to rest my cheek against his chest. We stayed like that for a few minutes, feeling each other’s frantic pulses. He placed his chin on the top my head and ran a hand up and down my back.
“I’m worried about your uncle,” he said. “If he does anything rash, it could backlash on you.”
I pulled back to look up at him. His brows were drawn tight, concern etched into his features. I didn’t want to think about the growing turmoil outside the doors of the study. I wanted to enjoy the short time we had before he remembered himself and pushed me away. Reaching up to wrap a hand around his neck, I drew him down for another kiss. He came willingly and walked me backward to the desk. Lifting me onto it, he held my face as we kissed and licked at each other once again, the secrecy of our clandestine meeting making our moves desperate.
Ping.
I ignored the sound from my comm as I ran my fingers along Tai’s jaw. When it pinged again, I quickly eased away to tap the device silent. I was returning my arms to his shoulders when he pulled back to stare at me. He appeared caught in a state between anger and pain. I cocked my head, confused by his abrupt change in mood.
Swiftly, he reached to pull my hand with the comm from his shoulder and flipped my wrist so the screen faced up. I glanced down to see Gannon’s name flash twice before it faded to black.
I took a quick breath and glanced at him, but he continued staring at my wrist. Then he met my gaze, his hazel eyes sharpening.
“He’s been messaging me for work,” I said.
His nostrils flared. “Is that right?”
I nodded.
Tai leaned forward to rest his hands on the desk on either side of my hips. Now eye to eye with me, he said, “There’s no fucking way that asshole could be in contact with you and it be only about work.”
I frowned at his tone and glanced away, holding the offending comm to my chest.
“Look at me.”
I shook my head, dread filling my veins.
“Look at me!”
I jumped and closed my eyes for a quick moment before forcing my gaze to his. He searched my face and, reading my guilt, grimaced as if he’d suffered great injury.
He shoved away from the desk. I watched him as he began to pace then spun to face me, his hands clenched.
“Did he touch you? Did you let him kiss you?”
“Tai …”
“Answer me.”
“Don’t.”
“Tell me!”
My temper flared. I eyed him carefully as I slid from the desk to stand. “Are you staking some kind of claim, Tai?”
“What?”
“I’m giving myself to you. Are you taking?” I said, my eyes narrowing. He scrubbed his hands over his face and into his hair then turned away. “Because that’s the only way you can try to make me feel guilty,” I added.
“He’s a fucking senator, Kira,” he said, rounding on me. “To a man like him you’re nothing but the most beautiful challenge he’s ever met. Don’t you think of yourself as more than that?”
“Don’t you dare throw your self-righteousness in my face.” I stalked toward him. “Because of your stupid sense of duty and honor we’re hiding in my family’s study, stealing kisses like children!”
He winced. “Stop it.”
I threw my hands up, spinning away. “My bloody brother is like some force field keeping men away.”
“Apparently not all men,” he seethed.
“Get out,” I said between clenched teeth.
Tai stood still, nostrils flared.
I shoved by him with the intention of leaving the room, but he grabbed my arm, turning me to him.
“Kira, it’s not just Rhoan.”
“What is it now? Am I too immature for you?”
“You’re one of the most mature people I know.” He licked his lips, and even in my anger I wanted to taste him again. “But you’re young, just out of school,” he said. “You should be experiencing the worlds and all they offer. My life is fucking hard, Kira. Shit, the things I’ve had to do, the things I’ve seen — it’s too much. I know what it can do to someone you care about.” His eyes pleaded for understanding. He tightened his hold on my arm even as his touch and heartfelt plea pacified me. I knew he was thinking of his mother, his only remaining relative, and how she was withering before his eyes, the depth of her grief eating away at her spirit and vitality.
I drew closer to him, filled with a wealth of emotion — frustration, desire and empathy, but most of all determination. “I can handle it, Tai,” I said. “Don’t make that decision before you’ve even given me — us — a chance.”
He shook his head, remorse clear in his eyes as he released my arm. “I won’t tak
e that risk. I can’t.”
I tensed. My hands began to tremble, my disappointment was so great. I crossed my arms in an effort to keep control of my emotions.
Finally, I raised my chin. “Then don’t try to tell me who I can or cannot be with.”
Tai’s hands clenched at his side. “He’s not good enough for you.” His eyes flashed as he looked down at me.
I smirked. “He’s good enough to fuck,” I said cruelly.
Tai’s face turned into a mask of barely leashed hostility. His eyes slid over me before he disengaged the door and stalked out of the room.
* * *
Ping.
I opened my eyes and quickly raised my head to check the time. The illuminated numbers on the monitor across from my bed told me it was after midnight.
Sela?
My heart seized at the thought of something bad happening to her or the baby. I shot into a seated position on my bed, grabbed my comm from the side table and activated it.
“Hello?”
“Do you have a monitor in your room?”
My mind scattered for a moment. I’d been ready to jump out of bed at word of some terrible news, but it was Gannon’s deep and melodic voice that greeted me. My pulse continued to race but I pushed thoughts of why aside.
“No,” I lied with a frown.
Silence.
He had done this before. Two could play that game. I placed the comm back on my bedside table and waited a full minute before I felt the urge to break my resolve. Then I heard the merry tune that I assigned to incoming calls on my monitor.
Does the man have no boundaries?
I quickly raked my fingers through the knots of my hair and threw on a shirt — I had put on only a tank top when I’d gone to bed. Pulling my blanket higher up around my waist, I voice-activated the call.
I squinted in the darkness of my room when the monitor flickered on. Gannon stood in a kitchen, sunlight streaming through its many windows. He was surrounded by some of the most beautiful and advanced culinary equipment I had ever seen. Copper pots and pans of varying sizes hung along one wall, and a cooler that looked to be equal to the size of my apartment stood along another. The walls were painted a soft cream, relieved every now and then by dramatic, colorful paintings and by the rich drapery that framed the windows.