Nodding, I turned and rushed downstairs, led by the muted nightlights Elizabeth had set up for Lizzie in case she woke up in the middle of the night.
In the kitchen, I grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with cool water. An uncontainable yawn escaped me. Exhaustion threatened. On instinct, my gaze traveled to the clock on the microwave that taunted me with the sleep we’d lost. It was almost three.
“Shit,” I muttered. Hoping to wake myself up, I scrubbed a palm over my face and dragged myself back upstairs.
But how could I complain?
I couldn’t.
There was nothing here for me to complain about. Nothing but my worry for Elizabeth. She was the one who had to endure this.
So what if I lost a few hours’ sleep. I could deal. I sure as hell wasn’t about to leave Elizabeth to suffer through this alone.
Not again.
Not a chance.
At the bathroom doorway, I paused when I found Elizabeth in the same position I’d left her in. Exhaling heavily, I eased up behind her and dropped to my knees at her side. I ran a soothing hand up the length of her spine and to her neck, softly tilting her face toward me.
“Here, baby, drink a little of this.”
She searched for the strength to smile, allowed me to lift the glass to her dry, cracked lips. If we weren’t careful, she’d end up dehydrated.
She took the smallest of sips and closed her eyes as she forced it down. For a moment, she remained still, as if she were testing the reaction, assessing if she could keep it down. Slowly her eyelids fluttered open. She whispered her thanks.
My head slanted in sincerity. “Don’t thank me, Elizabeth. I’m in this with you.”
Somewhere inside her, she found the energy to bait me with the hint of a tease. “You are, huh?”
Her efforts came out weak.
Gentle, sympathetic laughter quietly tumbled from my mouth, and I was unable to keep the playful buzz from lighting in my chest. A deep sense of wonder hit me. This girl could even rib me when she was at her worst.
“One-hundred percent,” I said.
She gestured with her chin toward the toilet. “So, do you think you could take this over for me?”
I pushed back the chunk of hair that had fallen into her beautiful face and wound it with my finger. An unrestrained smile split my face. At my reaction, her warm eyes swam with emotion, so thick, so pure, so…good. Softening, I tucked the matted tuft of blonde behind her ear and trailed my knuckles down her jaw.
“You know I would if I could.”
Elizabeth grasped my wrist, pressed my palm to her face as if it were her lifeline. “I know you would.”
She held me there for the longest time, the air between us full, both alive and subdued, a quiet comfort we fell into. Her eyes dimmed before they fell closed. “I’m so tired,” she admitted.
“Come here.” I shifted and leaned up against the tub, my legs stretched out in front of me. I cringed a little when my bare back met the cold porcelain surface. A shiver slipped down my spine, but I shook it off and pulled Elizabeth to me. She curled into my side and rested her head on my chest, nuzzled and nestled until she found a comfortable spot.
I wrapped her in my arms. Her skin was cool to the touch, clammy, sticky with sweat.
I brought my mouth to the top of her head and kissed her there, murmured out a promise I’d be sure to keep. “You’re going to be okay, Elizabeth.”
She snuggled deeper and turned just enough to place a tender kiss to the center of my chest. “Only because you’re here.”
Present Day, Late September
The door quietly latched shut behind me, and I slumped against it for support as I squeezed my eyes closed, praying…praying for it to end.
I didn’t know how much longer I could do this. Didn’t know how much more I could take.
I fought the weakness that trembled my knees, because I didn’t want to be this woman. I hated her. I didn’t recognize her.
But I didn’t know how to make her go away.
My stomach curled. Nausea spun through my gut the same way it did every time I saw Christian’s face, a tumultuous chaos that wracked my senses, confused and clouded the truth that was lost somewhere inside me.
It was visceral. A reaction I couldn’t stop. Each morning I begged for this to be the day when I opened the door and I would recognize myself. The day I would recognize Christian as the man I loved.
That I’d want him.
No one understood how desperately I wanted to.
None of them understood the way I really felt.
Clutching my chest, I gulped for air, begging for anything that would deaden this unyielding pain suffocating me from the inside out. Unbearable agony pressed and crushed, cutting deeper into the places where my life had been snubbed out, infiltrating the crevices of darkness where the light had been ripped from my soul.
It was blinding.
Excruciating.
Malignant.
And there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Hot, angry tears burned under my lids. Uncontrollably they fell, streaming from the creases of my pinched eyes. I lifted my face toward the ceiling, my head digging into the hard wood. I cried out, letting the pain that festered within me rip up my throat. I expelled my misery into the silence of the hollowed-out walls of this house. But the relentless desolation only echoed back the memories of what used to be my home. Those memories swallowed me whole.
At my chest, I fisted my hands in the shirt I’d worn for the last three days. “Help me,” I whimpered.
But there was nothing that could save me. Nothing that could turn back time. Nothing that could give me back what I had lost.
Hopelessness had become my only partner.
I staggered out into the middle of the small family room where a week’s worth of unfolded laundry was piled on the couch. There were so many good memories here. This tiny room was where Christian and I had found each other again. For months, it was here that we’d sat as we played with our daughter, as I’d slowly come to the realization that I had to have him a part of our lives. Part of my life.
How could I not see him in it now?
Something within me had been erased. Obliterated. Because I knew I loved him. I just couldn’t feel it anymore.
Every time I witnessed the worry lining his face, it brought it all rushing back, and the only thing I wanted was to block it all out.
And I was so angry, so angry with him, and yet I didn’t even know why.
I crammed my fists in my eyes, trying to push the mess of emotions that had surfaced back into the place where they belonged. Hidden.
Frantically wiping away my tears, I drew in a ragged breath. I grabbed onto the railing to hold myself upright as I staggered upstairs. I fell face-down into the unmade bed that Christian and I were supposed to share. I buried my face in the pillow and exhaled the air from my lungs as I wrapped my arms tightly around it.
I hated that I almost felt relieved. I loved my little girl so much, but forcing myself to find the energy to take care of her was the most difficult task I’d ever faced. I just wanted to sleep, and when she was at school or with Christian, that’s what I did.
Deafening silence resounded in the room. I squeezed my eyes tighter, giving into the darkness that had somehow become my life.
March, Six Months Earlier
“Come here, you,” Christian said as he reached for my hand. Night had fallen. Flames licked up, glowed and danced from the fireplace in the corner of the small family room, keeping out the slight chill that had taken hold outside. We’d tucked Lizzie in an hour earlier, and our daughter slept soundly upstairs. Christian was lying across the couch, and he tugged me down to him. I giggled as I crashed against his firm chest. He wrapped me in the security of his arms, and I snuggled into his warmth.
Gently he kissed the top of my head. His smile was uncontained as he nudged me up and kissed my nose. “You’re on your feet too much,” he sco
lded in the sweetest way. “You amaze me. Do you know that?”
Affection vibrated through my being.
It was he who amazed me.
I’d never felt more adored, more cherished, more loved.
Nonstop, Christian had taken care of me during the last few months. They’d been rough. Just like with Lizzie, sickness had gripped me morning and night. With his support, I’d done my best to get through it. I’d still taken care of my daughter and had continued to work at the bank, although I’d called in sick more times than I’d actually gone in.
But unlike with Lizzie, my sickness had slowly begun to fade once I hit the twelve-week mark.
Settling closer to him, I slipped between his side and the back of the couch. I rested my head in the crook of his shoulder. A contented sigh worked its way from me, and Christian hugged me a little tighter.
“How are you feeling tonight?” he murmured against my forehead.
“Good,” I answered in all honesty. Well maybe not completely honest, because I didn’t think I’d ever felt better than I did then. Maybe it was because I was so happy.
My fingers played along the collar of his white button-up before I brushed them up his neck and through the stubble that coated the sharp angle of his jaw. Touching him sent tingles rippling in the slowest wave, covering every inch of my body. I bit at my lip to hide my affected grin. Christian managed to make me feel things that shouldn’t be possible, the softest brushes of skin igniting me through, setting me afire.
He tipped his head down so he could smile at me. “I’m so glad you’re starting to feel a little better. It was killing me seeing you so miserable day after day.”
I met his gaze. “I’d expected it to be that bad the entire time. And you know I would have happily gone through it, but I can’t tell you how relieved I am that it’s starting to go away. I’d been hoping this whole time I would feel well on our wedding and honeymoon.”
It wasn’t completely gone, not by any means. I still woke up and rushed to the bathroom every morning. But I could eat and I could work and I could easily make it through the day.
“Mmm…” His chest rumbled with the sexy sound, and the arm wound around my waist tightened its hold. “You’d better start saving your energy now.” He raised a teasing, suggestive brow.
I laughed. “Oh, I’d better, huh?”
“Mmmhmm. You won’t be getting any rest during those two weeks.”
Deep, penetrating bliss slipped through my veins, and this time, there was no concealing the smile that lit up my mouth. I could feel the force of it, the joy Christian brought me manifesting as a declaration on my face. Even with my expanding waist, Christian made me feel like I was the most desirable woman in the world. Like I was the center of his.
I no longer had any reservations believing it.
We settled into the comfort of the silence, and for the longest time, we just lay there wrapped up in each other. Christian ran his fingers through the length of my hair as I rested my head on his shoulder. Shadows danced and played across the ceiling, silhouettes twisting into unfathomable images that I only saw in my mind, flickers of imagined innuendo like glimpses into our future. The two of us seemed to get lost in it. Heat radiated from his skin, blanketing me, keeping me warm.
I’d be happy to stay in this spot forever.
Something deep had worked its way into Christian’s consciousness, the severity of his thoughts almost palpable in the quiet of the room. He shifted farther to his side and laid me down on my back. His large hand came to rest on the tiny protuberance jutting out just below my belly button, his expression suddenly brimming with intensity.
My fingers fluttered up to his face, and I took in the serious lines etched deep at the corners of his eyes.
“What is it?” I whispered.
His throat bobbed as he swallowed deeply, and he turned away to look at the wall as he seemed to gather his thoughts. Then he locked his sharp gaze on me as he increased the pressure over the spot where our child rested.
“I just want to be a good father, Elizabeth. Sometimes it scares me that I don’t know how.” The words flowed like an admission, like a hidden worry that had plagued him, something old that had haunted him in the night. He stiffened. “I’m scared of what Lizzie’s going to think once she really understands what I did. What’s going to happen when she realizes her dad was a coward? That he left her mother when she needed him most? And what happens if I don’t know how to show this baby how much love I have for her?”
Her.
It always brought a grin to me because he was so sure of it.
Even in the times when he wasn’t so sure of himself.
We’d both taken to calling the child her, even though we wouldn’t know for certain for another five weeks.
Everything in his expression was sincere. My eyes narrowed as I looked at him seriously. “Christian, you don’t see what I see.” What I’d seen since I’d finally allowed myself to believe. “Every time you look at our daughter, your devotion is clear. There is no question of it. Lizzie isn’t going to question it, either. You’re her hero. Just continue to love her the way you do. Be there for her when she needs you…show her the right way when she does something wrong, encourage her when she does something right.”
My hand traveled down to cover Christian’s where it was splayed wide across my stomach. “And this baby?” I pressed down in emphasis. “You’ve adored her since the second we found out.”
God, Christian and I had fallen in love with this child. Upside down in love. He spent hours murmuring to her with his mouth pressed to my belly, the two of us cradling her together, much like we were doing now. And dreaming…dreaming of what she would look like, imagining the sound of her voice. Would she be quiet like Lizzie or stir our house into the perfect kind of frenzy?
But I guess we weren’t prepared for how great our love really was on the morning we walked in for my first ultrasound three weeks ago at the twelve-week mark.
Seeing her for the first time…it’d jarred something loose inside of me, a spot for her permanently carved into my spirit. And Christian… He’d been overcome. Undone. I was sure the man would never be the same.
“Do you really think there’s any possibility she won’t know how much you love her? There’s no chance, Christian.”
Blue eyes flashed the deepest emotion as he gripped me, palming the small bump that fit perfectly in his hand. “I love this child so much. Love my little Lizzie so much.” He dipped down and kissed me, just the simplest brush of his lips, but still something that spoke of his passion. “God, I love you.”
I ran my fingers up the planes of his chest and over his shoulders, couldn’t look away from this gorgeous man whose presence filled up that void in me that had ached for so many years.
“Then you can’t go wrong.”
He slipped his hand up and spread his long fingers out over my chest, his fingertips ghosting along my collarbones. I could feel my heartbeat thrum steadily under them, his touch evoking a deep sense of security inside of me.
“What do you want to do, Elizabeth?”
Caught off guard by the abrupt shift in his tone, I frowned. “What do you mean?”
Christian tightened his hold, his grip like a vise as he locked himself to me. Intense. Almost demanding.
“I want to know what you want to do with your life. Do you want to go back to law school and become an attorney? Is that still what you want?” A harsh breath escaped him. “I can’t stop thinking about all the times we talked when we were in college, all the dreams you had. You were going to save the world, Elizabeth, and I wanted to be there to watch you do it.”
A wistful smile flitted the edges of my mouth as I thought of those days, the goals that had defined my life, because at the time, I’d believed them the most important aspect of who I’d become. But in the end, they weren’t. Not even close.
“Those dreams fit into that period of my life, Christian. And when I lost them, a piece i
nside me was crushed. But when I look back now, I can’t regret the way it turned out. I would never have been able to raise Lizzie the way I wanted to. Even working at the bank was challenging when she was little.” I tilted my chin up to study him, tracing the sharp lines and angles of his face with my eyes. God, this man was beautiful. Breathtaking.
Inside and out.
Blue eyes blinked back at me, acute in their concern. It was so clear there, the vivid desire Christian had to reconcile the past, to make it right.
“Do you want to know what I really want?” I asked.
He cupped my cheek. “Anything, Elizabeth…anything you want, I want to give it to you.”
A tremor of apprehension rolled through me. Not because of indecision. I wanted this. But some days it was still difficult to grasp that I didn’t have to do it by myself anymore. I was no longer alone.
“I want to stay home. I want to be here when Lizzie gets off of school each day, and I don’t want this baby to have to go to daycare. I know I told you before that I wanted to keep working, but now…” I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth and slowly shook my head. “I just want to be home to take care of my family, and if there’s a way for me to do that, then that’s truly what I want from my life.”
I stared up at him hovering over me. Something that looked like respect shined down, his eyes shimmering with it.
He took my face in his hands. “Elizabeth, I will support you in whatever you want. If you want to stay home or if you want to go back to school, I will be here for you, and we will work it out. Hell, even if you want to continue working at the bank, then I want you to do that. But I can’t think of anything better than knowing you are home with our kids.”
Emotion thickened in my throat, a well of gratitude for this man who understood me better than anyone. I wet my lips. “This really is what I want.”
He released a breath at my forehead. “Elizabeth, baby, we’re going to do this, and we’re going to do it right.”
He tipped my chin up with the hook of his finger, his gaze washing over my face, his hold soft. Just as soft as the kiss he pressed to my lips. He deepened it, and I opened to him, welcomed the heat of his tongue as he swept it across mine.
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