He laughed, pitching a casual hand through his shaggy, blond hair.
I might have been from California, but Logan definitely owned the look.
“Well, that’s because you were about a million miles away.” With a grin, he gestured his chin toward the gate. “Or rather, lost within those halls over there.”
I smoothed myself out. “Yeah, I guess I was, wasn’t I?”
“Are you missing her?” he asked, his expression suddenly serious as he turned his full attention on me.
Taken by surprise at his question, I jerked to look at him. I blinked rapidly as I found him staring down at me. His gaze was intense, like he was searching for an answer inside of me.
I really didn’t know him all that well. I’d spoken with him casually when I’d dropped Lizzie off at his house or he’d picked Kelsey up at mine, and we’d shared quick exchanges like this out here in front of the school. But honestly, the last months had passed in such a blur that I really couldn’t remember much of our interactions at all, just innocuous hellos and goodbye wishes that meant nothing at all.
Now he was looking at me as if he understood some fundamental piece of me.
He seemed to take my silence as an admission, and he released an empathetic breath. “You know…” He spoke softly, slowly, his hands stuffed deep in the pockets of his shorts. “It’s really difficult getting used to at first.” He kind of shrugged. “Dropping them off and knowing you won’t see them for days. Going home to the obtrusive silence of an empty house.” He inclined his head, nodding as if he were convincing me of something I needed to know. “But it does get easier. I can promise you that. Pretty soon, it just becomes a routine. Normal.” It almost sounded like defeat.
Is that what this was? Something I would get used to? I chewed at the edge of my bottom lip as I let my attention drift back toward the gates. The idea tumbled around in my head. My first instinct was to reject the notion. No, I just wasn’t willing to accept this as normal. But the truth was, I didn’t know what normal was anymore.
A shock of black hair that could only belong to Lizzie finally came into view behind the herd of students flocking to their cars. Her ponytail bounced wildly behind her as she skipped along the sidewalk, hand-in-hand with Kelsey. She was smiling, a smile so bright I couldn’t help but smile myself.
“Mommy!” she squealed when she caught sight of me. She made a beeline in my direction, Kelsey in tow. “I missed you.” She threw her arms around my waist and hugged me. I weaved my arms around her, high up on her back, holding her close to me. God, it felt so good. How much had I missed this child? I realized then, I’d been missing her for much longer than just the last two days.
For a few seconds, she kept her face buried in my stomach before she turned that precious face up to me.
I ran the back of my fingers down the soft skin of her cheek, my head tilted to the side as I looked down at my daughter beaming up at me. “I missed you so much, baby girl. Do you know that?”
Her little hands clung to me, and I felt all of her love. But it was there, too, a trace of her confusion, a hint of her need she kept tucked inside her, hidden away in the same way I hid my own. I sighed in regret as I ran my fingers through the silky strands of her ponytail, a gentle encouragement that somehow, someway, we were going to figure all of this out.
She hugged me a little more before she turned her attention back to Kelsey, who seemed to be permanently attached to her side. “Mommy, when can me and Kelsey play again? We haven’t got to play in a whole week,” Lizzie said emphatically, the sweet, innocent, little girl making a return.
My voice was soft as I cupped her cheek. “I’m not sure, sweetheart, but I’m sure we can figure something out.”
“Kelsey’s going to be with me over the weekend.” Logan’s voice broke into the moment.
I’d almost forgotten he was there. Taking Kelsey’s backpack from her, he slung it over one shoulder.
“Why don’t you and Lizzie come over Sunday afternoon? We can let the girls play and we can barbecue or something?” He said it in an offhanded way, completely nonchalant.
I hesitated, knowing it should be nothing. Still, it felt like something.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now,” I said quietly, turning my gaze down to my feet.
“Oh, please, Mommy, please!” Lizzie begged at my side as she jumped up and down.
Kelsey joined in. “Yes! I wanna have a barbecue!”
I chanced a glance in his direction. Logan grinned at me with his hair flopping down in his face. He flipped it back with a shake of his head.
“It’s not a big deal, Liz. Honest…it’s just food, and it’ll be a ton more fun if we share it with friends.”
My deadened senses sparked. Christian fluttered through my consciousness like a breeze, a gust of his presence breathing into me. His touch…a whisper of his mouth. A ripple of need.
An eruption of blinding pain.
I squeezed my eyes to block it all out, this reflex that curled in my stomach and soured in my mouth.
I hated it, hated that I couldn’t stop myself from feeling like this whenever I thought of him.
I shook the involuntary reaction away, convincing myself it didn’t matter anyway. It wasn’t as if this meant anything, because it didn’t. It was just something to get me out of the house, something to break me from the cycle I’d given myself over to.
I’d promised Natalie…had promised myself.
I will try.
“Come on, Mommy,” Lizzie implored again as she tugged at my hand, looking up at me with hopeful blue eyes.
“Fine.” I bit at the inside of my mouth as I agreed, feeling a flicker of unease. “Is there anything I can bring?” I asked warily, giving in and looking up at Logan.
“Nah. Kelsey and I hardly ever get the chance to entertain, so we’d be happy to take care of it all. Right, honey?” he asked as he flashed a mega-watt grin at his beaming daughter.
“Right!” she said with a delighted nod of her head.
“Yay! I get to come over to your house!” Lizzie released my hand and nearly tackled Kelsey, the girls jumping as they squeezed each other in an overt show of excitement.
For the second time today, there was no stopping the smile that prodded at my mouth, the faintest hint of joy manifesting on my face. Seeing my daughter this way, knowing everything she’d been dragged through over the last few months and she still was thriving, brought a feeling of peace over me.
Any discomfort this brought me was worth it.
I will try.
I would try for her.
“So what time do you want us over?” I asked.
“Three sound good?”
“Sure.” Unsure would have been a better description of what I was feeling, but I said it anyway. I took Lizzie’s hand to start for the car. “We’ll see you Sunday, then.”
“Oh, and Liz?”
I paused and looked over my shoulder.
Logan’s gaze traveled my body before it landed back on my face. “You look really nice today.”
Self-consciously, I glanced down at the jeans and tee-shirt I wore, the first real clothes I’d worn to pick Lizzie up in months. I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt as I felt redness bloom on my face. “Uh…yeah…I guess I’ve looked a mess lately.”
His laughter was full of tease, though it rumbled with something more. “Believe me, Liz, no one can rock a pair of scroungy sweats the way you can.”
Then he lifted his chin with a smile and turned and led his daughter away.
Ruffled, I stood there watching them go. My mind reeled as I tried to make sense of what had just transpired. I placed an affectionate hand on Lizzie’s back. My voice was barely audible over the blaring headache that struck up in my head.
“We better get going.”
“Okay, Mommy.”
Logan waved back over at me as he climbed into his car.
I will try. For my daughter, I will try.
L
ate May, Four Months Earlier
A roar of catcalls and whistles filled Sarah’s small living room. Black lace lay piled in the box I held on my lap, one that had come from Natalie.
“Do they even make lingerie for pregnant girls?” I asked through my grin as my attention sought her out.
She leaned against the wall across the room. Not for a second was I embarrassed. I was enjoying myself too much.
“Um, you weren’t supposed to be six-months pregnant on your wedding day, but yes, they most definitely do. I just had to dig a little deeper,” Natalie hollered over the din of the raucous room. Playfulness filled up the entirety of her smirk. “And believe me, Christian is going to appreciate my efforts.”
I pulled the nightie from the box and held it up in front of me. It had to be the sexiest piece of lingerie, all lace and garters and ribbon…and, well…not much else.
No, I didn’t think there’d be any issue with calling Christian’s appreciation into question. The only problem would be hiding it from him long enough to save it for our honeymoon. If he found it before, he’d be begging me to wear it.
Discretely I shook my head and bit at my lip. Nothing sounded better than two weeks of just Christian and me, long days and nights spent lost to each other, our hearts, minds, and bodies wrapped up and consumed. Where, he wouldn’t tell me, but his eyes had glimmered, a furor of excitement swimming through the depths as he promised me it was somewhere I’d never been before, but he couldn’t wait to take me there. It didn’t matter where he took me. It’d be paradise simply because we were together.
I folded it up and placed it back in the box. “Well, I’ll tell him this is compliments of you.” I smirked right back. Then I smiled. “Thank you, Nat. Honestly.”
I was thanking her for so much more than simply her gift. She’d put in countless hours planning for this wedding, taking her role as Matron of Honor seriously, almost to the extreme. I was grateful for every second of it. It would never have turned out so perfectly without the work she and my sisters had put into it.
“You’re welcome.” Sincerity transformed her face.
“Okay, next one,” Sarah said. She was perched on the floor at my side, feeding me gifts just as quickly as I could open them.
She set on my lap a small silver gift bag with a beautiful mess of black and silver tissue paper sticking out the top. I fumbled for the card.
Selina.
I slanted her a smile as I pulled out what was nestled inside.
A plain white coffee mug. I rotated it a little, unable to contain my grin as I found the personalization on the front.
Mrs. Davison.
I turned it toward my guests. A round of oohs and aahs and that is so sweet rose up over the room.
I couldn’t help but agree.
“I love this. Thank you, Selina.”
“You’re welcome.”
Really I couldn’t wait for that to become my name. I was more than ready. The date had become like this beacon, a signal for our future. Even though Christian and I had already begun our lives together, it didn’t make the day any less important.
“Here, open mine next.” Carrie came forward and grabbed a white gift bag that overflowed with black tissue paper. “Here.”
“Well, aren’t you in a hurry,” I teased as I situated the bag on my lap. “You better not have gotten me something that’s going to embarrass me,” I warned.
She scoffed. “Don’t act like such a prude.” She inclined her head toward my stomach that poked out above my fitted jeans. “Because not one of us in this room is going to believe it.”
I swatted at her and laughed. “You’re terrible.”
She just grinned. “Open it,” she prodded, anxious.
I closed my eyes and reached into the bag, expecting the worst. If anyone in this room would leave me blushing, it was Carrie.
My fingers grazed across something firm and covered in smooth fabric.
Frowning in question, I opened my eyes and pulled out her gift.
I blinked up at my little sister. She’d always been prone to selfishness, the youngest child, the center of attention. That didn’t mean I didn’t love her with every ounce of my being. But this…this was kind and thoughtful.
I ran my fingers over the handmade album before I flipped it open to the first page. Pictures were glued to the decorative paper, faded and worn, the colors bleeding away from the youngest days of our youth. My sisters and I were in our mother’s backyard. The three of us were in nothing but our underwear, covered in mud, wearing the biggest smiles you’d ever seen three children boast. In another, Christmas had come, and my sisters and I were dressed in footed pajamas, our excitement palpable as we hung our stockings on the mantel. A third was from Easter, frilly pink dresses, a mess of fake, green grass, eggs brimming over the top of our baskets.
The last was our beach.
Tears welled.
I couldn’t stop them.
Through glistening eyes, I looked up at my little sister. “This is…perfect.”
I turned the pages through the years of our lives, school pictures, plays, soccer games, and sleepovers. We grew and haircuts and styles changed, a progression of time shared, but through all of them was a projection of our joy.
Toward the back, I stood in the football field after receiving my high school diploma, flanked by my mother and my sisters. Our arms were wrapped around each other as we all leaned toward the camera, the four of us grinning like we were preparing to have the greatest tomorrow.
And on the last page of the album, I’d grown. The lines of my face hinted at the woman I would become, though I still wore the innocence of a girl. The picture had been snapped just before I boarded a plane for the first time in my life. I could almost see the wonder that had filled my eyes, the fear and the anxiety all mixed up with the greatest kind of anticipation as I’d set off for New York City.
I could almost feel it now, exactly the way I’d felt then. I knew my life was about to change. I just never imagined how much.
Just days after this picture was taken, I met Christian.
On instinct, my hand sought out my stomach where Lillie kicked me, her little foot jutting out at my side.
Today I felt the same.
My life was about to change.
“Thank you. I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”
Carrie leaned down and hugged me in a way she never had before. “I just wanted you to see yourself through my eyes…the way I see you. These are my memories of my big sister who I looked up to my entire life. I’ll never stop,” she promised.
The tears I’d been trying to hold in fell. Sniffling, I wiped them with the back of my hand. “Love you.”
Quietly, she spoke. “Love you, too.”
“Okay, next one,” Sarah piped in, breaking up the heaviness, all smiles as she searched the pile of gifts.
She set a beautifully wrapped package on my lap, silver paper with black and white ribbon. I opened the card. I read the words written in delicate script inside.
My Dearest Elizabeth,
I find myself at a loss to express my joy, my gratitude, and my love for you. They are bountiful. Profuse. Unending.
The only thing a mother ever wants is for her children to be happy. There are so many ways I believe I failed my son, mistakes I made that I can never take back. But I look at him now and see the way he loves you and Lizzie, the way he loves this new baby, and I know I had to have done something right.
And it’s you, Elizabeth, you who brings this light out in him, you who makes him shine.
For this, I will be forever grateful.
Never have I told anyone this, but for all of my life, I longed for a little girl to call my own. Christian may have been the only child I bore, but you are my daughter.
I love you, and I wish you and Christian a lifetime of happiness. Be good to each other and never forget what is important in this world.
Yours,
Claire
Soundlessly we spoke, a thousand words voiced in silence. Claire was one of my lessons in life, a testament that people may not always be who they seem, and sometimes the purest hearts are buried beneath their own mistakes.
I loved her more for seeing her way through it. Loved her most for seeing through all of mine.
Dragging my attention away, I unwrapped her gift and slowly lifted the lid. Inside, the gift was wrapped in white, shimmery tissue paper, and a tiny note scrawled in script was laid on top.
For your wedding night.
The tissue paper rustled as I pulled it free.
Maybe I was a little surprised. Maybe I really wasn’t at all. And it wasn’t awkward or weird. I knew she was giving it as her blessing.
Gently I lifted it by the delicate ribbon straps. The nightie was entirely white. Baby-doll style, the soft material looked as if it would brush just along the top of my thighs. The bra and trim were edged in satin, and the rest flowed free in a silky-sheer mesh. It was elegant and altogether sexy.
In awe, I looked up at her. “This is beautiful, Claire.”
I was just about as excited to stand in front of Christian wearing this as I was my wedding my dress. No, being with Christian was nothing new. How many times had I made love to him when we were young, when we were all hands and need and desire? As he’d taught me and I’d willingly learned, as I’d begged and he’d pleased. And God, these last months since we’d reunited… I tingled with the thought.
We knew each other’s bodies well.
But on our wedding night would be a first, a start and a finish. A culmination. A completion.
“Thank you so much,” I whispered.
Prodding, she gestured with her chin. “There’s one more there from me.”
Sarah was quick to place the second gift on my lap. Smiling, I tugged at the paper and opened it.
My breath caught.
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