If Forever Comes

by A. L. Jackson

  Just as soon as she opened her eyes to me, they’d slammed closed, shut it off, blocked me out. She flinched back, as if looking at me caused her physical pain.

  Who knew one expression could cut me so deep?

  Still, I’d pressed on, pushed her. “We need to talk,” I’d said, stretching out a hand that so desperately wanted to touch her. But I’d held it back, knew I could only ask her for so much.

  “I can’t.” Her voice was laced in agony. Apparently even that was asking her for too much.

  But those two words had lacked all the venom that had filled the last real interaction we’d had, even if the result of them had still been brutal. Elizabeth, once again, shut down my efforts.

  Every spoken word since I first left her house had been uttered with zero emotion, just plans made between us for our daughter. Nothing more.

  This had been more.

  “Please,” I’d said with my heart feeling as if the life was being squeezed out of it. “I can’t let us go, Elizabeth. Talk to me. Tell me.”

  She’d shaken her head, whispered, “I’m so sorry.” Tears clogged the words, and she stumbled over a pained, “I can’t.” Then she stepped back and closed her door.

  I’d stood on the other side of it for minutes, maybe hours, having no idea what direction to turn. Did I force her, risk the possibility of things escalating, blowing up the way they had the day I left? Did I risk having her say it, Elizabeth telling me she no longer loved me?

  But even if she said it, I wouldn’t believe her.

  I saw it in that one second she opened those brown eyes to me. She still belonged to me. Even if she couldn’t see it.

  I exhaled, heavy and hard, shut off my car, and climbed out. I plodded up her sidewalk and rang the doorbell.

  A few seconds later, the door swung open to Elizabeth.

  My breath caught.

  It didn’t matter how many days I’d stood at her door to pick up our daughter, it was always the same.

  Intense longing exploded at my ribs, something that spoke of the regrets that would forever haunt my life, and the hopes that still flamed for my future. Elizabeth was in every single one of them.

  Urges slammed me, ones that shouted for me to reach out, to take her. To do something.

  Instead, I stepped back, gave her the space she demanded that was getting harder and harder to afford.

  “Good morning, Elizabeth,” I said, something I’d done all week, something that felt like progress, even though it was the most pathetic show of it.

  At least I opened my mouth.

  I bit back the incredulous laughter that stirred in my chest.

  Pathetic was right.

  I knew I had to do something, but I was pinned against that wall, and I didn’t know how to break from it. How did I push back? How did I mount a battle when she wouldn’t allow me the chance to fight for her?

  She cast me a wary glance. “Good morning,” slipped from her cautious lips. Then she turned away, looked toward the stairs, the way she did every morning. “Lizzie, sweetheart, your daddy is here.”

  “Coming.”

  This morning, Lizzie immediately appeared, her grin wider than I’d seen in so long. She rushed downstairs and ran to throw her arms around me. “Good morning, Daddy!” Excitement buzzed from her as she bounced.

  A chuckle escaped me as I hugged her back. “Well, isn’t someone happy this morning.”

  She lifted that sweet face to me as she hugged me around my waist. “I get to go to my first sleepover tonight!”

  Curious, I turned my attention to Elizabeth.

  She was smiling down at Lizzie. Really smiling. Then she peeked up at me. “I was going to talk to you about that this morning and make sure you were okay with it. Lizzie was invited to spend the night at Adriana’s house tonight for her birthday. I figured you wouldn’t mind since she was going to stay here tonight anyway.”

  Lizzie jumped up and down. “Oh please, Daddy…I really really really wanna go!”

  I laughed a little harder and ruffled a hand in her hair. “Well, I guess if you really really really want to go, I’ll have to let you,” I teased.

  “Yay! Thank you, Daddy!”

  She turned around and barreled into Elizabeth, squeezing her around the waist in a fierce hug. “Thank you, Mommy!”

  Gentle laughter seeped from Elizabeth. “Of course, sweetheart.” Then Elizabeth softened into the embrace, her hold tight as she clutched Lizzie to her, then stroked an affectionate hand through the long locks of Lizzie’s hair. Palpable emotion swelled between them. “You have a fantastic day, my sweet girl. I’ll be thinking about you.”

  Lizzie had her face buried in her mother’s stomach, the words muffled as she hugged her a little closer. “Okay, I will.”

  I drew in a faltering breath. Thankfulness surged. God, seeing the two of them like this, the love shared between them, it was as if it healed a small piece of the wounds still smoldering inside me.

  With a soft smile, Elizabeth nudged her back. “Go on or you’ll be late.”

  Turning, Lizzie rushed out into the day. “Let’s go, Daddy!” She grabbed my hand and began to lead me down the walkway. Still lost in the sensations that had swirled between my girls, I hazarded a glance over my shoulder. Elizabeth watched us go. For the first time, she didn’t look away.

  I slowed to a stop, just before we rounded the corner to the driveway. I stared at the woman I was so desperate to put back together. Still, I was at a loss at how to do it.

  Unmistakable sadness poured between us. All I wanted to do was turn around and take her in my arms, touch her face, kiss her. Love her.

  Unaware, Lizzie tugged at my hand. “We gotta hurry.”

  Elizabeth blinked and the wall was back up.

  With a resigned sigh, I turned and followed Lizzie to the car.

  Five minutes later, I pulled to the curb in the circular drive in front of Lizzie’s school. She jumped out the back door and onto the sidewalk just as I came around the front of the car. Crouching down, I helped her slip her backpack onto her shoulders. I dropped a quick kiss to her forehead. “Have a great day, sweetheart. I hope you have a great time at your sleepover.”

  A dimpled grin split her face. “It’s going to be the best day ever.”

  Warmth seeped into my skin, my little girl, my light. When it seemed impossible to smile, somehow this child made it unstoppable. I cupped her cheek, tilted my head with the force of that smile. “You’d better hurry. We’re running a little bit late today.”

  She turned and jogged off.

  “See you tomorrow,” I called.

  “See you tomorrow!” she sang as she looked at me over her shoulder.

  I lifted my hand in a pensive wave. She headed back toward the entrance. She veered when she saw Kelsey standing beside her dad’s car at the curb.

  Every muscle in my body constricted.

  Lizzie came to a stop at Kelsey’s side. From a distance, I watched her tip her head back and laugh unrestrained. And that asshole was there, laughing, too. Then the piece of shit reached out and ran his fingers through my daughter’s hair.

  Motherfucker.

  My hands clenched into fists at my side in the same second he glanced up to catch my stare. He turned back to Lizzie and Kelsey, said something else before the two rushed toward the school gates.

  Anger curled, wound with the possessiveness that spun me into a frenzy. My head pounded, and I was pretty sure I was close to losing my mind.

  Lizzie’s words of last week blared into my senses, how excited she’d been, how much fun they’d had.

  And Elizabeth had been different. Happy? Almost. Maybe. I shook my head. I didn’t know. But definitely different.

  Fuck.

  I raked a shaky hand through my hair.

  Was she seeing him?

  I cut my eye back to him, searching for some kind of indication. A sign.

  Had he touched her?

  Images of Elizabeth with Logan crashed
into my consciousness, clashing with everything I knew as right. I couldn’t bear it. I squeezed my eyes closed to block them out.

  When I opened them, he was gone, and I was left standing there like the fool I’d been all these months, staring at the spot where he’d been.

  I moved to my car, my feet heavy, weighted, as if I were wading upstream, losing my balance as I got caught in the undertow.

  My head spun.

  Blindly, I drove to my office. I clicked my door shut behind me, sank into my desk chair, and stared out at the sailboats that bobbed in the bay as I tried to mentally plough through the mess that had become my life. Tried to make sense of it all. That anger just surged, stoked a jealous rage inside of me.

  Would Elizabeth really do this to me? To us?

  God, I couldn’t imagine touching another woman. Ever. Not after Elizabeth had touched me the way she had.

  The morning passed in a haze. A heavy fog swirled through my head. It contradicted the distinct itch I had bolt, to get the hell out of the suffocating confines of my office. When I couldn’t tolerate it any longer, I rushed out, told my secretary I would be back soon, and got in my car and drove. The destination was clear, though I had no idea what I would say when I got there.

  The only thing I knew was I couldn’t let her go.

  I pulled up to the curb in front of her house. Midday sun glared down from the sky, cast glinting rays through the windshield. The myrtle trees rustled in the gentle breeze. The little house looked so quaint, so quiet.

  No one would have a clue of the pain we’d harbored here.

  Sucking in a few resolved breaths, I pushed down all the anxiety of the unknown. All I knew was I had to talk with her, to lay it all out. I needed to tell her I loved her, and I could no longer go on living without her. Convince her she needed me as much as I needed her.

  Leaving my car on the street, I ran up the sidewalk and pounded on her door. Agitation prickled at my nerves, and I scrubbed my palms over my face. Waiting, I paced.

  “Come on, Elizabeth,” I begged below my breath.

  But there was no answer, no rustling or movement from inside.

  Undaunted, I pressed my face to the window to the left of the door, peered inside at the stillness of the family room. A load of laundry lay in an unfolded heap on the couch, toys strewn across the floor.

  She was probably in bed, the way she always was, hiding from the realities she didn’t want to face.

  Maybe I’d been wrong before. Maybe I’d pushed her into something she wasn’t ready for.

  But now…there was no question.

  It was time.

  I pushed past the boundaries that had silently been set. Fumbling with my keys, I produced the one I hadn’t used in so long. Metal scraped as I slid the key into the lock. I pushed the door open to the silence that echoed back. Swallowing down the lingering reservations, I headed upstairs.

  Our bedroom door sat just ajar. A slit of sunlight burst through the crack and shined against the hall wall.

  I edged forward, cautious, and quietly called her name. God, I’d probably scare the hell out of her, sneaking up on her like this, waking her from sleep.

  But there was no response, just more silence.

  I touched the door. It creaked open. Her bed was unmade and empty. I inched forward, listening for movement from the bathroom. There was none.

  Shit.

  My movements were almost frantic as my attention shot around the room.

  She was gone.

  Elizabeth was never gone. I’d always banked on this, that she was lost in sleep, and that one day, she would wake. Fear gripped me when I realized she already had.

  I just didn’t know what she’d awakened to, where her heart had found her.

  I ran downstairs, searched the rest of the house, peered into the backyard to no avail.

  She was gone.

  I ran back out front. On the sidewalk, I came to a standstill. My hair flitted around my face as the wind came up, stirred along the ground, whipping up the fallen leaves.

  What the hell was I supposed to do?

  I pulled my cell phone from my pocket, scrolled through, called her. She didn’t answer.

  I left no message. This needed to be done face-to-face.

  It was hell forcing myself back to go back to the office for an afternoon meeting I had. I was pointless, really. There was no focus, just images of her, the need that steadily built in my gut. The only thing I could see was Elizabeth. My life.

  The second the meeting was adjourned, I headed straight for the door. I drove, my mind reeling and my heart pounding.

  I couldn’t let this happen.

  I wouldn’t.

  This was my family. A family I’d always promised I’d fight for. That I’d live for.

  Monday night had made me realize I wasn’t.

  No more. I refused to sit stagnant. I wouldn’t let what was most important to me be ripped away.

  I wouldn’t let him have them.

  I jerked my car to a stop in front of Natalie and Matthew’s house. I jumped out.

  What I was doing here, I didn’t really know. But other than me, Matthew and Natalie knew Elizabeth best. They’d taken care of her through the roughest times in her life.

  This, it was the greatest tragedy either of us had ever faced. She had to have gone to them. Another shot of jealousy hit me. I wanted to be that person, the one Elizabeth turned to in her time of need. How had we pushed each other away when we needed each other most?

  I banged at their door.

  Movement rustled from the other side, and the door opened to Matthew. Uncertainty lined every inch of his face, his eyes narrowed in distinct concern as he took in the mess that had to be my expression. “Christian…hey, man. Are you okay?” He peered behind me as if he were looking for an explanation before he turned his focus back on me. “What’s going on?”

  I shouldered by him and began to pace in the small entryway just inside their house. Every second that passed, I felt myself crumbling, my spirit thrashing, my control slipping a little closer to the edge. I tore at my hair before I looked back at the disquiet that had taken over Matthew’s entire demeanor.

  He placed placating hands out in front of him. “Hey man, I don’t know what’s going on, but you need to cool off. You look like you’re about five seconds from having a coronary.”

  I blinked, swallowed, tried to rein it in. It left me in a ragged exhale that trembled through my chest. “Is she seeing him?” I demanded.

  I felt Natalie’s presence emerge behind me at the end of the hall.

  “Who?” True confusion seemed to saturate Matthew. He let the door swing shut as he turned to fully face me. “What are you talking about, Christian?”

  I shot a glance at Natalie, who squirmed, restless as she pressed her hand to the wall, as if she were holding herself up. Uncertainty washed her face as she frowned.

  I jerked my attention back to Matthew. “You two need to tell me what is going on with Elizabeth. Is she seeing that asshole? And don’t lie to me.”

  Just the notion sent another shudder convulsing through my veins.

  Was she sleeping with him?

  I choked over the thought. Nausea rolled in my stomach. I was coming unhinged.

  “Christian, come on, man, take a breath or something. Settle down for a second, because I don’t have a single clue what you’re talking about.”

  “Logan…Kelsey’s dad,” I clarified through hardened words. “Lizzie said Elizabeth has been over there, and I went over to Elizabeth’s to talk to her earlier today and she wasn’t home. She’s always home.”

  Something like a smirk crested Matthew’s mouth. “Well, it’s about fucking time. I take it back…don’t calm down, because you’ve been sitting on your ass for far too long. It’s about time you fought for her.”

  Natalie approached and placed a gentle hand on my back. “Why don’t we go sit on the couch?”

  I didn’t resist, and I let her
lead me around into their family room. I sank down onto the couch and buried my face in my hands.

  Matthew plopped down in the recliner next to the couch, sat hunched over with his hands clasped between his knees.

  Natalie settled beside me. Sorrow rolled from her, washed over me in burdened waves. A supportive hand found my knee. She squeezed it. “Tell us what’s going on.”

  I raked my hands from my hair to my neck, blowing out a weighted breath. “I don’t know…I just…” I cut my eye to Natalie, looked at her in all honesty. Brown eyes, so much like Elizabeth’s, blinked back at me. Emotion tightened my throat. I could barely speak.

  “I’ve been waiting for her, Nat. Waiting for something to change, for her to make a change.” I raised my face to the ceiling. “I never once thought she’d make a change that didn’t include me. But this guy…he said something a couple of weeks ago, and I just got this feeling.” My mouth set in a grim line when I looked back at her. “Then on Monday, Lizzie told me she and Elizabeth had gone over there for a barbecue. Of course, to Lizzie, it was all in fun, but I know something’s going on.”

  Speculation twisted Natalie’s expression, like what I’d said was an impossibility. I hoped to hell it was. “Do you know something is going on? Or do you think something is going on?” she asked.

  In frustration, I drummed my fist to my forehead. “I don’t know…it’s just one of those things that hit me, you know?”

  “Damn it.” Matthew scrubbed his palm over his face as if he didn’t want to believe it either. “Did you talk to her about it?”

  “I’ve tried. I went over there on Tuesday and she said she couldn’t talk to me. I knew I had to get through to her, so I went back today, but she was gone.” I turned to Natalie, looking for some kind of reassurance. For her to tell me something. “She’s different, Nat. I can see it.”

  Natalie’s voice was low, cautious. “You know I’d never lie to you, Christian, and I promise you, she’s never mentioned anything about this guy. But she hasn’t really talked to me about anything. I made her come out to lunch with us a couple weeks ago, and she had a meltdown right in the middle of the restaurant. But in the car…” She worked her jaw as she seemed to think back. “I thought maybe I’d gotten through to her. I told her it was time, and she promised me she would try.”