by Amy Clipston
Emily shifted in his peripheral vision, and he was certain she was going to dash into the house, leaving him to sob alone on the porch. Instead, she laced her fingers through his and gave his hand a gentle squeeze.
He glanced up in surprise. Her eyes were warm and supportive. Why wasn’t she running away from him?
“Go on. Get it all off your chest. I’m not going anywhere.” She squeezed his hand again, and the gesture gave him the courage to continue.
Chris kept his eyes locked on hers. “I let my younger bruder take a dangerous horse out to the pasture by himself while I talked to a maedel I didn’t even like. I was attempting to flirt with a maedel while my younger bruder was dying in the back pasture.”
“You didn’t know. It wasn’t your fault.”
“It was my fault,” Chris insisted, finding fortitude in the caress of her skin against his. “I never should’ve convinced Gabriel to get the horse. I deliberately disobeyed mei dat. I don’t know how I could have been so irresponsible.”
“But you told me you were only trying to win your father’s favor,” Emily said. “You said you wanted to show him you could train that horse so he would finally see how schmaert you are. You disobeyed him, but you only had the best intentions in mind.”
“That doesn’t matter in mei dat’s eyes. One of my first memories is of mei dat lecturing Paul and me about how we had to be the model sons. We were supposed to be the example for the community to follow.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s the bishop.”
Emily’s eyes widened. “He’s the bishop?”
“Ya,” Chris said, his voice trembling with a combination of embarrassment and fury. “Mei dat has a successful business, and he’s never struggled financially. His oldest son, Paul, who is his second big success, has followed in his footsteps and made Dat proud.”
Chris looked down, hoping to escape her intense gaze. “But I’ve been nothing but a disappointment to him. I never measured up to Paul. I haven’t shown interest in horse training, and in mei dat’s eyes, that’s failure. My worst mistake of all was trying to flirt with a maedel while my younger bruder died just on the other side of a row of thick trees.”
More humiliating tears flowed down his hot cheeks. Why did he have to lose it in front of Emily again? She probably considered him the most cowardly man she’d ever met.
“Chris.” Her hand gently shook his shoulder, and the scent of strawberries permeated his senses. “Please, Chris, look at me.”
He peeked up, and she traced the tip of her finger down his cheek, sending quivers swirling up his back. When she rested a hand on one side of his face, he leaned into her touch. “You’re not terrible for flirting with a maedel. You need to stop punishing yourself.”
“God is punishing me too.” He whispered the words.
“What do you mean?” Emily’s eyes darkened.
“I don’t have insomnia.” He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ve never told anyone this.”
“You can trust me.”
He opened his eyes to see her leaning in close. She laced her fingers through his again.
“I have nightmares about Gabriel’s accident. I wake up sobbing almost every night, and then I can’t go back to sleep.” He frowned. “That’s not exactly true. I probably could go back to sleep if I wanted to, but I don’t want to relive the nightmares.”
A weight lifted from his shoulders, and he longed to share more. She looked at him intently as if her life depended on his next words.
“The nightmares always end the same way—with Gabriel dead in the pasture and me crying over him. Sometimes they start differently, but I can never save him. For the past four nights, I’ve had the same dream. In fact, I had it right before I came out here. I was going to go for a walk, but when I saw your lantern on I came over here instead.”
“What was your dream?”
He told her, and she blinked, her face full of sympathy.
“Ach.” Emily’s eyes glimmered with tears. “That’s terrible.”
“It’s my punishment. I deserve it. If Gabriel can’t live, then I should live with the daily memory of his death.”
“No, no, no,” Emily said emphatically. “That’s not true. You don’t deserve it.”
“I do.”
“God wouldn’t punish you. God forgives and heals. You need to forgive yourself.”
“I can’t.” Chris looked down to avoid her eyes.
“Chris.” Emily placed her fingers under his chin and tipped his face up to meet her affectionate eyes. “As a dear friend recently told me, you are too hard on yourself.”
A smile overtook Chris’s face. “There you go using my words against me.”
She gave a little laugh, and her eyes twinkled in the low light. “Ya, I am, but I’m telling you the truth.” Her fingers slipped from his chin. “God forgave you a long time ago. Now you have to forgive yourself.”
Emily made it sound so easy, but he didn’t know how to forgive himself. He didn’t know where to even begin.
“And you’re not a failure. You’re a kind and gentle man. We all make mistakes. That’s what makes us human. Chris, you hardly mention your mamm. Is your relationship with her good?”
“Ya.”
“Have you called her since you got here?”
“No, I haven’t.” He waited for her eyes to show signs of disappointment, but they remained supportive. “Mei mamm called Aenti Tillie, and apparently Mamm said she wants to hear from me. I haven’t gotten around to it.” Actually, I’m just a coward . . .
“You’ll call her when you’re ready. Just don’t wait too long to call her. I’m sure she wants to hear your voice and know you’re okay.”
Chris turned his attention to the sky to avoid her sweet face. He could feel the intensity of her stare as he took in the stars. They were silent for a few moments, the only sound coming from the distant hum of a car engine and a barking dog. He turned back toward her. “Was iss letz?”
“Nothing.” She blushed. “In this light, your eyes are green again. It must have something to do with the way the lanterns are reflecting the light.”
Her smile faded. Something in the air shifted between them, and the atmosphere sparked with electricity.
Chris leaned closer to her and pushed back a wisp of her hair that had escaped her prayer covering. When his fingertips brushed her cheek, a slight gasp escaped her mouth. He leaned closer, and just before his lips brushed hers, the back door creaked open.
“Emily?”
CHAPTER 14
CHRIS SHIFTED BACK, HITTING HIS SPINE AGAINST THE ARM of the glider. It rocked roughly, nearly knocking Emily off of it.
What had just happened?
Emily grasped the arm of the gilder and shifted away from him, her cheeks flushing bright pink as she turned toward the door.
“Oh, hi, Rachel.” Emily lifted her hand in a little wave. “I was just . . . well, I mean . . . we were just talking.”
Rachel craned her neck and her eyes focused on Chris. She pulled her robe around her. “Oh, hi, Chris. I didn’t realize you were out here visiting. I came down to get a glass of water and I heard voices and saw the lantern. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“Oh, it’s no problem. I was just leaving.” Chris stood and looked down at Emily. “Danki for talking with me. I hope to see you soon.”
“Ya.” Emily smoothed her hands down her sweater. “I’ll bring you lunch tomorrow.”
“Sounds great.” He gave her a nervous grin. “I’ll see you then.” He grabbed the lantern from the floor next to the swing and then looked at Rachel. “Gut nacht.”
Chris loped down the porch steps and ambled toward Onkel Hank’s house. His thoughts and emotions spun like a cyclone as his boots moved him down the rock path. He had almost kissed Emily, and he wasn’t sure if he should admonish or thank Rachel for interrupting them. Though he wanted to kiss Emily, he was certain it would have been a mistake
.
But it had happened so quickly. One moment he was looking at the stars to pull himself away from her hypnotizing stare. The next moment she complimented the color of his eyes again, and he was drawn in by her loveliness and sweetness. That invisible magnet was wreaking havoc on his self-control.
Emily continued to astonish him with her unfailing empathy and forgiveness. Chris had expected her to reject and reprimand him when he admitted the truth about where he’d been when Gabriel died. Instead, she’d held his hand and consoled him, promising him God had already forgiven him. Emily seemed almost too good to be true. Why hadn’t one of the young men in her youth group already snatched her up?
Chris’s feelings for her were deepening with every step he took. And why was he torturing himself by imagining what it would be like to have Emily as his girlfriend, or possibly his wife? A shiver danced across the nape of his neck.
As he approached the back porch, he recalled Emily’s words about calling his mother. “Just don’t wait too long to call her. I’m sure she wants to hear your voice and know you’re okay.”
Chris stopped at the bottom porch step and turned toward the phone shanty. It seemed to silently beckon him to approach.
Stop being a coward, Chris, and call your mother!
He stepped into the shanty and dialed his parents’ number. He ground his teeth together when Dat’s recorded greeting sounded over the phone. Even over the phone, Wilmer Hochstetler’s authoritative voice caused Chris to cringe as if he were six years old again.
“You have reached the Hochstetler family farm. For Hochstetlers’ Belgian and Dutch Harness Horses, please press one. For the Hochstetler family, please press two. Thank you.”
Chris pressed two, and when the beep sounded, he leaned back in the seat and ran his free hand down his face as he gathered his thoughts. “Mamm, this is Christopher. Aenti Tillie told me you called. I just wanted you to know I’m fine. I’m working in Onkel Hank’s harness shop, and I really like it.” He paused, longing to sound more confident. “So you don’t need to worry about me. I hope you’re doing well. Give my love to Mamie and Betsy. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.”
Chris hung up the phone and then headed toward the porch. He hoped his message would give his mother solace and convince her he was just fine.
“I DIDN’T THINK CHRIS WAS GOING TO GO TO THE YOUTH group meeting with you.” Rachel lowered herself down onto the corner of Emily’s bed.
“He didn’t go with me.” Emily couldn’t stop grinning. She had floated into the house, and then Rachel trailed her up the stairs so they could talk without risking waking their parents. She dropped down on the bed beside Rachel and flopped back on her pillows.
“I don’t understand.” Rachel tipped her head, her eyebrows pinched together. “If he didn’t go to youth group with you, then how did he wind up on the porch with you tonight?”
“He said he couldn’t sleep, so he came outside to go for a walk. When he saw the lantern on our porch, he came over. We sat and talked for the longest time.” Emily hugged her arms to her middle. Chris had listened as she shared her deepest secrets, and he’d consoled her when she cried. And then he’d opened himself up completely, allowing Emily to see him at his most vulnerable. It was difficult to believe this was the same man who had been rude to her the first time they met. Their friendship had come such a long way.
“I’m so froh for you, Em!” Rachel leaned back against the pillows beside her. “You’ve finally found a special man you can talk to. It’s so gut to see you froh and falling in love. I’m just so sorry I interrupted you. I didn’t mean to barge in.”
“Falling in love?” Emily made a face. “No, I don’t think it’s like that. We’re only freinden.”
Rachel gave a sardonic snort. “Please, Em. I’m not blind. You two were having a pretty intense conversation when I opened the door.”
A quiver danced over Emily’s skin as she recalled that moment when Chris almost kissed her. She’d never been kissed, and she could only imagine his lips brushing against hers. Kissing before marriage was forbidden, but Emily couldn’t stop her longing for his affection. She was thankful Rachel had interrupted them before it went too far.
“It’s okay.” Rachel placed her hand on Emily’s arm. “I know you’re confused, but just take your time and get to know Chris. Everything will work out.”
Doubt curled low in Emily’s belly, and she gnawed her bottom lip.
“Was iss letz?” Rachel asked.
“But what if he moves back to Ohio?” Emily’s question held a hint of her dismay. “Chris came here because he’s been having problems with his dat, but what if he works things out and goes home?”
Oh, that sounded terrible!
“I’m not saying I don’t want him to work things out with his family. I’ve encouraged him to call his mamm and talk to her. And it would be a blessing if he can work things out with them. At the same time—”
“Calm down.” Rachel placed her hand on Emily’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I understand what you mean, Em. We all want Chris to work things out with his family, but you’ll be heartbroken if he leaves and doesn’t come back.”
“Exactly.” Emily sighed. “I know God has the perfect plan for all of us, so I need to just take it day by day, right?”
“Right.”
The grief in his eyes when he talked about his younger brother and the nightmares that plagued him haunted her. She longed to do something special for him to help him see how much she and her family cared about him. An idea struck her and she sat up.
“Chris’s birthday is a couple of weeks away. Would you help me plan a surprise party for him?”
“Ya. That sounds like fun. What do you have in mind?”
THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON, THE BELL ABOVE THE HARNESS shop door chimed. Chris stopped working on a coin purse and stepped into the showroom.
“Good afternoon.” He greeted an older couple dressed in jeans and matching T-shirts featuring horses and buggies on them. “How may I help you?”
“Hi.” The woman grinned, accentuating the wrinkles around her brown eyes. She turned to the man. “I told you it was an authentic Amish store, George. They wouldn’t put a tourist trap on the same land as a real farm.”
“What can I say, Brenda?” The man shrugged. “You’re always right.”
Brenda turned back to Chris. “We’re looking for souvenirs. What do you have?”
Chris made a sweeping gesture toward the round displays. “We have key chains, doorknob hangers, and pouches. What exactly are you looking for?”
Brenda perused the key chains and then moved to the doorknob hangers and finally the wallets and coin purses.
“Hmm,” she finally said, turning toward Chris. “Do you have anything with horses and buggies on it?”
Chris reflexively tapped his trouser pocket where he had concealed the drawing he’d planned to use for the coin purse project that had haunted him since last week. “No, we don’t. Is that what you’re looking for?”
“Yeah.” Brenda picked up a horse key chain, examining it closely. “I guess I’ll take a few of these.”
“All right.” Chris rang up three key chains and put them in a paper bag for her. After she paid him, he handed Brenda the change.
When the customers left, Chris retrieved the drawing and sat at the worktable again. Silence filled the harness shop as Chris examined his sketch. He had been alone in the shop since shortly after lunch when Emily went home to do laundry and Leroy and Onkel Hank left to buy supplies.
Chris traced the drawing with the tip of his finger and heaved in a deep breath. Today’s customers had confirmed what Chris had been thinking—the harness shop needed to branch out and include some touristy souvenirs if they wanted to expand their business. Chris had read his uncle’s leatherworking books on Sunday, and he’d written down the steps for hand carving a design in leather.
Back in his room last night, Chris had been too hyped up to sleep after
his emotional conversation with Emily. He’d found a pencil and notebook and drawn horses and buggies until he figured out the best design for a coin purse.
Now he stared at the drawing as doubt slithered into his thoughts like an unwelcome visitor. He wondered what Onkel Hank and Leroy would say if the drawing wasn’t good and Chris messed this up. He worried that they would demand he pay for the supplies and then fire him since he was an employee and therefore had no right to design new merchandise without permission.
Will they be disappointed in me, like Dat is?
Chris squeezed his eyes shut. He desperately needed to evict his father’s words from his mind once and for all. If only he knew how to do it.
He suddenly remembered Emily sitting beside him on the glider last night.
“And you’re not a failure. You’re a kind and gentle man. We all make mistakes. That’s what makes us human.”
Chris shoved aside his insecurities and self-doubt and turned his attention to the tracing paper. He could do this. Well, at least, he would give it his best shot.
Chris dampened the leather with a wet sponge and then set the tracing paper on top of it. He began to trace the design.
Once the design was transferred, he traced the design with a swivel knife. He was careful to keep his hand steady, and he did his best not to push too hard. He quickly lost himself in his work, and his shoulders relaxed. He said a silent prayer, telling God about his hopes that both Onkel Hank and Leroy would be happy with his work.
He suddenly realized this was the first time since Gabriel’s death he had prayed other than at meals. It felt right, and perhaps he had Emily’s encouragement—and God’s faithfulness—to thank.
“IS ANYONE HOME?” ONKEL HANK TEASED, ENTERING THE store later that afternoon.
“Ya, I’m still here,” Chris said as his uncle crossed to the work area.
“How were things?” Onkel Hank hung his hat on the peg at the far end of the work area.