by C. C. Morian
“I’ve already had a lot to drink.”
“It’s Friday, we’re still celebrating, remember? We can go to the gym together tomorrow and work it off. I’ll go get the wine so you can add something to the jar.”
I took my time in the kitchen opening the bottle of wine. I’d spent a lot of time considering what to put on the bucket list. I didn’t think there was anything I’d written on my little notes that lots of couples—maybe even most couples—didn’t do. But for Emily, who hadn’t been with another man, even the mildest suggestions would be new and probably shocking to her. I was torn between wanting to spice up our sex life and not getting Emily upset.
Her response to the outfit, and our sex in the living room had given me hope that she was open to some exploration, but that she was just too shy to bring it up on her own. The last thing I wanted to do was force her. But what if she didn’t know what she was missing? I wanted her to be able to sample a whole new world of sex.
When I returned to the living room Emily was studiously bent over the coffee table, writing something on a pad. She looked like a student, intent on an exam, wanting to get something just right. I wondered what ideas she had come up with.
I prayed it was something more exciting than a roller coaster or even getting drunk. Although if she wrote down getting drunk again, it would be a huge step for her.
“No peeking!” she said, covering the pad.
“I’ll sit over here until you’re done.” I put a glass of wine on the table in front of her and retreated to the easy chair. “I bet you had a lot of ideas you were thinking about already. Wild and crazy possibilities.”
Emily’s head snapped up, a sudden look of surprise. “What makes you say that?”
“Nothing, I was just joking. Although once you get something in your head, I know how you are, you tend to see it through, you can’t let it go.”
“That’s not true.”
I laughed. “It’s a compliment, not a criticism. You’re careful about starting new things, but once you see the possibilities, you’re willing to try. It’s one of the things I love about you, you aren’t stubborn, you are always willing to learn.”
Emily looked like she was going to say something else, but she returned to her list, thoughtful.
“Remember,” I said. “The whole idea of the bucket list is to gain new experiences, take a little risk.”
“I’m not much for risk taking,” she said quietly.
“Whatever you put down, we’ll be doing it together. So it won’t be as much of a risk as if you were doing it by yourself. Come on, surprise me.”
“Is that what you really want? To be surprised? Don’t you love me the way I am?”
“Of course I do,” I said quickly. “The point isn’t to change you, but to give you—us—more experiences. I’ve heard you say many times that people need to continue to grow.”
“Maybe some experiences are not meant to be—experienced.”
“It’s not like we’re planning on robbing a bank,” I countered. “Or is that one of the things you wrote down?”
Emily looked down at her list. “I’m afraid my ideas might be a little boring for you.”
“It’s not whether they are boring, but whether they are different. If you think they are boring, maybe you need some more time—or some more wine.”
Emily stared at me, and then took a sip of her wine. “I’ll try.” She tore off the top sheet of paper and crumbled it into a ball.
“Take your time,” I said. “I’ll just sit here and watch you. I like watching you really intent on something.” That was the truth. I couldn’t mention that I also thought I’d enjoy watching her have sex with another man.
“Anyone else doing that would make me nervous, but I don’t mind with you.”
If she only knew. “Good. Go ahead.”
Emily sat back on the couch and closed her eyes. I really did enjoy watching her, she was so cute when she was focused. She had changed out of her work clothes, now in her usual hang around yoga pants and a loose top. Even in such a casual outfit she was incredibly alluring, the tight pants outlining her toned calves, only her skim bare feet visible. Emily was the only woman I had been with who looked good dressed up, dressed down, and totally naked.
I didn’t want to press her any more. I hoped I had put her on the path to contributing something sexual to the bucket list, but even if she didn’t, I’d love her all the same. I’d just have to keep my own fantasy a secret, and find a way to live with it.
Emily appeared to be deep in thought, in her typical way, taking it seriously. Her eyes were closed in concentration. Her hand moved over her chest, her legs squeezed together. I studied her carefully, wondering what she was thinking about. Maybe something risky, her body unconsciously reacting.
Suddenly her eyes snapped open, as if she had just thought of something or had come to a momentous conclusion. She scribbled something on the pad, staring at it for a long time when finished. But then she tore off the sheet. Instead of just crumbling it up, she ripped the paper into little pieces.
“Not risky enough?” I joked.
“I’d do better if I knew what yours were,” she said, taking another drink of her wine. “It’s one thing to surprise you, it’s something else to disappoint you.”
I got up and went to the couch, pulling her against me. “You could never disappoint me,” I said, kissing the top of the head.
She looked up at me, her eyes unsure. “Do you mean that? Really?”
“Really.”
“Even if I did something bad?”
“You worry too much. You’d never do anything bad. And if you did, it wouldn’t matter, I’d still love you.”
“Oh, Justin.” She curled into my arms. “I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you.”
“Me too.” I idly stroked her hair, my eyes falling to the balled up paper on the coffee table. The small bits of Emily’s second note were missing, they must still be in her clenched hand. What had she written down?
I glanced at the jar, there were more notes in there. “I see you added some ideas to the jar. Are you done for now?”
Emily slipped her clenched fist behind her. “Yes.”
“Well, should we pick something?”
“If you think so.”
“I don’t want to do this unless you want to.”
“I do.” Emily sat up and reached for her wine. “A little liquid courage,” she said. “In case we pick something risky.”
“That’s my girl.” I handed her the jar. “Last chance to add something before the first selection.” I was still intrigued by she had written down and was now hiding. Maybe she had thought of something risqué but was now too embarrassed to share it with me.
“No, that’s it for now.” She sounded a little unsure of herself, may be even wishful. “Wait, are there some rules? Of what can be on the list? Or when we do what we pick?”
“Anything can be on the list, but no one has to do it if they don’t want. Unless you want to make a rule that we have to do it?”
Emily’s eyes widened. “How could we agree to that without knowing what’s on the list?”
“Because we trust each other. Besides, can you imagine anything you could possibly put on the list that I wouldn’t do?”
Emily blushed and glanced away. “I guess not.”
“Okay. As for the other rule, why don’t we try this. If what we pick out can be done immediately, that’s what we do. If not, we do it as soon as we can.”
“That sounds okay.”
“Good. You make the first pick.” I held the jar up. “Close your eyes and go for it!”
Emily hesitated just a moment, then reached into the jar. I noticed that her hand was now empty. Where had those little pieces of paper gone?
Emily’s fingers rustled the folded up sheets, her hands shaking. What was she so nervous about? She grasped one, making her choice.
When she opened her eyes she said, “I think it’s one
of yours.”
“Go ahead, read it.”
Emily carefully unwrapped the paper. I realized I was unconsciously holding my breath. Had she chosen one of my tame ideas, or one of the naughty ones?
Her eyes widened as she read the note. “Justin!”
Well, that answered one question. “What’s it say?” I asked casually.
She burst out laughing. “You want us to watch porn?”
I waited for her to go on, trying desperately to keep a straight face.
“It’s a joke, right?” she said.
I shrugged. That wasn’t the reaction I’d been expecting. Not only didn’t she seem upset, she seemed relieved. What had she been expecting? Or was she relieved she didn’t pick one of her own ideas?
“Too risky for you?” I asked.
Emily grabbed her wine and downed the rest of her drink. “I can do that,” she said. “But porn is for guys.”
“I think a lot of women watch porn. Or so I’ve heard,” I added quickly. “And couples.”
“I’m not sure about that. But if it’s what you want, I’ll do it with you.”
I didn’t believe my luck. My cock twitched; just the thought of Emily watching porn was almost too much to imagine. “Wait,” I said. “You agreed awfully fast. Have you been watching a lot of porn?”
“What? Oh, you. . .” She raised her right arm. “I swear I’ve never watched porn.”
“Then this is your big chance to check off an item on the bucket list.”
“Right now?”
“Why not?”
Emily looked around the living room. “Right here?”
“You expecting company?”
“No, silly. I mean, is that what people do? Watch porn in the living room?”
“I don’t know what other people do. This is for us. We can go up to the bedroom if you want, crawl into bed with a tablet. That way if you get bored you can fall asleep.”
“Ha ha, very funny. If I fall asleep, what will you do?”
I didn’t answer, I just smiled. “What would you want me to do?”
“Maybe it will be my turn to watch,” she said.
I grabbed the wine bottle with one hand and Emily’s hand with the other. That was an offer I couldn’t refuse.
Emily had a sneaking suspicion that Justin was going to put something naughty in the bucket list jar. The last two times they had sex had been—different. She had to admit she’d been unexpectedly surprised at her own reaction, doing a few things she’d never have thought she’d be comfortable with. Not that she was totally comfortable yet, but a little exploration with Justin had been exciting.
The oral sex, for instance. She still wasn’t sure if she could repeat that unless they were doing it together, either giving or receiving. She was just too self conscious, even with Justin, to lie back and take it, and even though she wanted to please him, she’d be uncomfortable being on her knees and letting him finish in her mouth, especially if he wasn’t touching her in some way.
Yet something new had been awakened in her. It might have been the oral sex, it might have been the new outfit.
It might have been how Justin’s boss, Damian, had flirted with her by the pool. Whatever it was, a switch had been turned on, a switch which had already made her not only think wicked thoughts, but masturbate more and more.
There was no way Justin could know any of that, and yet a part of her feared he had read her mind, that he would have put something in the bucket list about her new fantasies. It was impossible; Justin would never in a million years imagine that she had been secretly lusting over another man.
And yet, that was her fear. What would have happened if she had opened up that folded paper and it said something about swinging? Or her having sex with someone else? Would she have been able to control her reaction? Would Justin have sensed the truth?
And what if he had discovered what she had scribbled down on the paper and then tore up? It must have been the alcohol that made her even consider it. Not swinging, she wouldn’t even be able to write that down, let alone do it. In tiny letters she had written sex in the shower, an idea she couldn’t get out of her head since the Florida trip. It haunted her, following her, distracting her during the day at work, tempting her. And when she was home alone, the temptation was too great, she succumbed, she was forced to masturbate, each time more vivid than the last, always starting with Justin, but no matter how she focused, always ending with Damian.
She thought if she had sex with Justin in the shower for real it would force Damian out of her mind.
But she couldn’t go through with it. If in fact Justin’s suggestions had nothing to do with sex, she’d be embarrassed, her husband would think she was some kind of hussy. Now that she knew at least one of his bucket list ideas, she could always add the shower idea later. If she dared.
So as she followed Justin up to the bedroom, watching porn seemed downright safe compared to what could have been chosen. At any other time in her life she would have been shocked, but right now, she was relieved it wasn’t one of the alternatives.
They crawled under the covers, Emily still in her comfortable outfit of a loose sweatshirt and yoga pants, Justin in his boxers and a tee shirt. They propped pillows up against the headboard and Justin got a tablet from the night table.
“Ready?” he asked.
“I guess so. How do we do this?”
“You use computers all day and you’ve never been tempted to look at porn?”
“Not really. Actually, never. I told you, I think it’s a guy thing.”
“Let’s see.” Justin pulled up a search engine and typed porn for couples.
Emily laughed. “I doubt there are many listings for that.” She peered at the screen, surprisingly interested. “Am I reading that right? Does that say fifty nine million results?”
“Well, it says about fifty nine million. Fifty nine million, three hundred thousand. You know what that means?”
“That there really is porn for couples?”
“That we need to get started if we’re going to see them all,” said Justin. “You pick.”
Emily ran her finger down the screen. Couple friendly porn. Porn film for couples. Porn your wife will like. Porn your husband will like. “This is funny, porn with a plot.”
“Probably for highbrows. How about this one?”
“Porn to watch together. I guess so.” Emily selected the site.
“Hmm, it looks like you have to subscribe to that one,” said Justin. “Let’s see if we can find something free.”
“You can subscribe?” Emily hadn’t even thought about this, but of course it made sense.
“Everyone has to make a buck.” Justin clicked back to the search results and typed free porn for couples.
“Only thirty three million results,” said Emily. “We’re making progress.” She closed her eyes and tapped the screen to make a choice.
When she looked again the screen had filled with photos, her eyes widening as she focused, each one more explicit than the next. Men with women, women with women, even men with men. Intercourse, oral sex. Men with two women. Women with two men, three men.
She scrolled down the page in disbelief, yet not able to pull her eyes away. Below each photo were descriptions: Couples. Porn Stars. Amateurs. Voyeur. Lesbian. Those she understood, although could there really be amateurs doing porn? Wasn’t that a contradiction?
“I don’t believe this,” she said, shocked. “And what are some of these categories?”
“Which ones?”
“Public. Milf. DP. BBC. ”
“Uh, well, I might be able to guess at a few of those.”
“What do they mean?”
“Well, public is probably flashing, or having sex in public.”
“People do that? Won’t they get arrested?”
“Not if they don’t get caught.”
“Sounds really risky to me.”
Justin shrugged. “I think that’s part of the allure.”
“Okay, I get it. Not that I’d want to, but it must be like sky diving, the risk. What is milf?”
“It stands for Moms I’d Like to Fuck.”
Emily tried to read Justin’s expression. “You’re making that up.”
“No, really. You can google it if you want.” Justin handed her the tablet.
Emily was feeling dirty, she couldn’t bring herself to touch the screen. “I’ll take your word for it. Wait a minute, how do you know all this?”
“Emily, it’s kind of common knowledge.”
“Not to me it isn’t.”
Justin put her arm around her and gave her a big squeeze. “No, I wouldn’t expect it would be.”
Emily couldn’t resist. “Okay, smart boy, what’s DP?”
“Uh, I think that’s. . .maybe you should just pick another category.”
“You don’t know or you don’t want to say?” What on earth could be so bad that Justin wouldn’t say it?
“I think it stands for double penetration.”
Emily was staring at the photo. A woman on a bed, on her hands and knees. A man stood in front of her, his huge erection just inches from her mouth. Another man on the bed was pushed up against her from behind, his hands on her hips. Emily couldn’t see much detail but it wasn’t hard to figure out what he was doing to her.
“I don’t get it, double penetration?”
“There are a few different kinds, that’s just one, maybe—”
Emily sensed Justin’s hesitation, it was cute, seeing him embarrassed about something. She’d ask more about DP some other time. “What’s BBC stand for?”
“Maybe you should just click on it, I’m having a hard time saying these things out loud.”
“Is it worse than DP?”
“Probably not.”
Emily poised her finger over the picture of a black man standing in front of a large breasted white woman who was sitting on a couch. The woman was facing the camera, her eyes wide open in surprise. Emily could only see the man’s back and in profile, he didn’t look especially attractive, and it was a little hard to tell from the small image what was going on. She clicked on the picture to make it bigger.