It is also customary in the Pashtun culture, for a man to marry his brother’s wife, in the event his brother dies. A widow is essentially forbidden from living on her own without a legal husband. Therefore, men sometimes “inherit” a second or third wife in the advent of their brother’s death. This, too, can lead to personality conflicts and financial problems in the household.
I always asked the men I interviewed how many children they had. I remember one who informed me he had four sons. Being an older man, four children seemed minimal compared to his age. I asked if he had any daughters. He informed me (a woman) that, yes, he had daughters but “they don’t count”. Good to know. I felt like I was transported back into the dark ages. Boys were treasured because they would provide for the family when their fathers were past working age. When a son was born, the family celebrated and often fired weapons into the air. When a girl was born, there was no such celebration. If only the Afghan women (and men) understood that their gender holds the ultimate power, i.e. the ability to bear children, and, therefore, should be treated with the utmost respect and dignity.
Although most of the men I interviewed were respectful towards me, there were some exceptions to this. One guy showed up for his interview, first thing in the morning and told us he was starving. So, I gave him a banana, which he devoured. He proceeded to toss the peel onto the floor, right in front of me. I then informed him he could immediately pick up the peel and take it to the trash. He seemed shocked at first that a female would give him such an order, but when my male interpreter nodded in agreement, the man picked up the peel and transported it to the garbage can. I never had a problem with stray fruit again.
Several other men blatantly spit on the floor of the room, in the middle of interviews. I polled my male counterparts and found none of them had witnessed this before. Over time, I decided it was the lack of respect towards women. Whenever someone spit on my floor, I wanted to lose my mind. I always asked them if they would do that in their mother’s house. Most admitted that they would not. Although Pashtun men have little respect for women, they do tend to be scared of their mothers. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I was not old enough to be their mother, so the respect level was much lower. Many probably thought I was completely out of line for having a job and showing my face outside of my house.
Many individuals I sat across the table from simply could not conceive of the situation I was in. Here I was, a married woman, who left her husband at home, and came to a war zone for work. This was a completely foreign idea to these men. Pashtun women rarely leave the house, are not employed, and have little to no education. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule (for instance, only a female nurse or doctor could assist another female in childbirth, or with medical issues), but for the vast majority of women in the Eastern and Southern parts of Afghanistan, the oppression continues to rule.
Most men probably felt I was very sinful, especially when I wore short sleeve shirts in the summer. One time, I asked a fellow what he thought the most shameful thing was a person could do. He looked me right in the eyes and said “When a woman shows her arms, it is the most shameful thing.” Here I was, wearing a short-sleeved polo shirt. I knew from right then that I would not be able to gain respect from this guy and that building rapport was going to be near impossible. He already sized me up and decided I was a shameful sinner, showing my arms to man (him) who was not my husband. This type of thing just does not happen in their culture. A Pashtun woman would probably be lashed several times and/or beaten by her husband or family members, if she uncovered any part of her body, aside from her face and hands. Even that could be stretching it in some villages.
I found there was a double standard that extended far throughout the Pashtun culture. It seemed the men could get away with breaking rules, while the women were harshly punished for the same infractions. This, despite the fact that that Article 22 of the Constitution of Afghanistan clearly states, “any kind of discrimination or distinction between citizens of Afghanistan shall be forbidden. The citizens of Afghanistan, male or female, have equal rights under the law.” [2] Unfortunately, the Shiite Personal Status Law, signed into law by President Karzai in 2009, contradicts the Constitution. For example, Article 133(4) states “A wife cannot leave the house without her husband’s permission unless she has urgent cause, or is in extreme difficulty…” [8] To me, this seems to call for a clear distinction between the genders. The Shiite Personal Status Law goes even further by dictating the amount of sexual contact a man and woman must have: at least once every four nights. Article 132 (4) states “It is the duty of the wife to defer to her husband’s inclination for sexual enjoyment.” [8] I wonder what the woman gets out of it…
Even more curious is the section of the Shiite Personal Status Law that accounts for “mistaken sexual intercourse.” Prior to reading this paragraph, I could not comprehend how accidental sex could occur. However, after reading that the main stipulation for this to happen was an inability of the man to distinguish a woman as his spouse, it made some sense to me. Women generally wear a black burqa, which covers them head to toe. I suppose if the burka were not removed prior to sex, a mix-up could occur. I still have to wonder how an Afghan man could accidentally find himself in bed with a woman who was not his wife, due to the strict rules against non-married men and women even being near one another.
The Shiite Personal Status Law is actually an interesting read, if one finds the time. It astonishes me that such rules could be signed into law by the president of a country. Some articles in it might make one scratch their head and wonder how the authors even came to the conclusion that particular rules be included in the law. For example, mothers are not allowed to breast feed children who are not alive. Was there an abundance of stillborn children being nursed? Were mothers confused as to whether their child was alive? One can only guess what the basis for that law was.
Unfortunately, the Afghan criminal laws seemed to be enforced sporadically and with bias. Based off stories told to me, a woman who committed any crime, or was even suspected of committing a crime, would often be banished from the community, and usually whipped, arrested and/or put to death. These types of punishments are in line with the Sharia Law, or Pashtun-Wali (discussed in another chapter) which still unofficially govern the actions of most Pashtun- Afghans. Men, it seemed, could break any rule or law and be excused from punishment. Sometimes, the rule breaking was explained away with some absurd justification, or official punishment was avoided by paying a judge a bribe.
Many readers may remember the case in 2011 of the Afghan woman who was raped by her cousin’s husband. At the time of her rape, in 2009, she was nineteen years old. In order to protect her, her true name was never revealed but she was nicknamed “Gulnaz” by the media. As a result of the rape, Gulnaz became pregnant with her attacker’s child and later gave birth to a daughter, while in prison. The rape was brought to light after she became pregnant. Gulnaz explained to her family, and to authorities that she was forced into non-consensual sex (i.e. rape), but the authorities considered this an act of adultery. She was initially sentenced to twelve years in prison for committing adultery, but was offered the opportunity to marry her attacker, in order to reduce her sentence. The rapist was given a mere seven years confinement, which pales in comparison to the sentence handed down to his victim. Incidentally, Article 17 of the Afghan Constitution states that “those who commit rape on an adult woman shall be sentenced to life in prison.” [8] I guess that Article was overlooked in this case.
After much media hype and pressure, President Karzai eventually pardoned Gulnaz and the requirement for her to marry her attacker was dropped. But, this occurred only after thousands of advocates signed a petition for her release and the case became widely covered by the media. Following her pardon and release from prison, Gulnaz, and her baby, were forced to live in an undisclosed location, away from her family members. Despite her pardon, others in her family and/or community may have unleashed their
own punishment for her “adultering” ways. This was not a unique case. Over the decades, many Afghan women have been given a severe sentence or put to death for committing “adultery” (or what we, in the Western world, refer to as rape). Others are sent to prison for refusing to marry a particular man, or for running away from their village, to pursue a better life for themselves.
During one interview, I was stressing the importance of integrity and honesty to a local Afghan worker. To ensure he understood these terms, I asked him for an example of a time someone lied to him. He explained to me that several months prior, his wife had given birth to a child. The man was not at home during the birth and was informed about it, by a phone call from one of his neighbors. The neighbor told the man that his wife had given birth to a son. He was naturally very happy and excited, as Afghans celebrate the birth of boys. However, upon arriving home, he discovered the neighbor had lied to him, and his wife had actually given birth to a girl. He told me how he “was upset, because all Afghans want sons.” I continued to be amazed at how little value these men put on women.
Another man I often saw on base was one who worked for the Afghan guard force. One day he arrived at my office for his bi-annual interview. During our discussion, he informed me that both of his young daughters were very sick and in need of medical care. He related how one daughter had continual horrific pain down her legs and cried constantly. The other daughter, who was only a few weeks old, had an oozing, infected incision, as a result of a hernia operation gone wrong. He claimed he could not afford to take them to a doctor and that the guard force supervisor would not make arrangements for the U.S. doctors on base to look at either child. Seeing an opportunity to make a positive impression on this man, I called one of my contacts at our hospital. They readily agreed to see his daughters and try to provide the necessary medical assistance. I made arrangements for him to bring his daughters to the base approximately three days later.
However, I discovered he never showed up for the appointment. I searched him out to find out why. Sadly, I found out, the youngest daughter had died the day after our interview. This news broke my heart, knowing her death could have been prevented. Surprisingly, the man was not upset. In fact he told me, with a shrug of his shoulders, “My daughter died and it was God’s will”. He truly believed this was the decision of Allah and there was nothing that could have been done. He actually went on to tell me that he wished his other daughter would die, so she would not be in pain any more. I have never heard a parent say that before. Fortunately, I convinced the man to bring his surviving daughter to the base for medical evaluation. At that time, the doctors diagnosed her with an enlarged spleen and blood disease, for which they provided medication. Without this simple diagnosis and care, she, too, likely would have succumbed to her diseases and died a short while later. I suspect had the man been father to a son(s), he would have been much more upset over the child’s death.
Many Pashtun men do not even count their daughters when considering how many children they have fathered. I always asked each man I spoke with how many children he had. One, in particular, told me he had six children. So, I then asked how many sons and how many daughters he had, expecting the total to add up to six. Instead, he responded, “Six sons and five daughters.” Like I said before, the daughters often do not count as “real” children.
Despite this, I credited one man who obviously valued his wife. During my interview, I asked him what the most valuable item he owned was. He immediately answered “My wife.” My interpreter and I both chuckled. In a way, this answer was refreshing because it was unusual to find someone who thought much of their wife. On the other hand, it was somewhat disturbing since he apparently felt he was the owner of his spouse. Incidentally, this man declared that his cow ran a close second to his wife, in value to him.
As discussed in a previous chapter, I interviewed several men, who were applying for a visa to the U.S. These types of interviews were even more in-depth than our regular daily interviews of locals applying for employment on the base. The visa applicants knew that their opinions, habits and knowledge were going to be scrutinized. One example of this scrutiny was finding out the person’s views on women, in general, and how knowledgeable they were about American culture. We were interested to find out whether they would be accepting of the “liberal” standards, in regards to women, in the U.S.
I remember one gentleman in particular I interviewed, who was applying for a visa. He explained to me that he was engaged to a beautiful woman, who was currently living with her family in Pakistan. However, he planned to take her with him to the U.S., if he was granted a visa. I asked him how his fiancé felt about leaving her family and country, to move to a completely foreign place. He chuckled and said “She has no choice in the matter. I am the man, so she will do what I say.” This man exhibited other red flags during his interview, but this was a significant one. In my opinion, he was clearly not prepared to live in the U.S., as his views were still very archaic. We wanted to know that these men would treat their wives with respect and provide them equality, as American women are provided. This man clearly thought he could maintain the traditional Afghan ways, while living in the U.S. Inevitably, he and his wife were going to be exposed to be American culture, if they were granted visas. He needed to be much more open-minded about women’s rights in order to at least be able to deal with the typical American morals and beliefs.
While working in Afghanistan, I became friends with a couple of people who worked for the Provincial Reconstruction Team (PRT). This team was tasked with planning and completing re-construction projects for the local communities. Some of their projects included the building of schools and medical clinics. They also coordinated meetings with local residents to discuss needs of the community and the best ways to appropriate funds. In addition, they dug and installed many wells, so villages could have running water. Without a well, local residents were forced to transport water from the nearest source, by carrying buckets by hand. The lucky ones owned a donkey or horse they could use for this task. Reportedly, women were expected to assist in transporting the buckets of water for their families.
Unfortunately, many of the PRT’s projects were vandalized, damaged or destroyed by insurgents. Despite the fact that the PRT had only the intention to assist and progress the local communities, insurgents were opposed to any symbol of the Americans. They felt construction completed by Americans was an attempt by our country to invade and occupy theirs. Meanwhile, we were simply trying to move the country out of the middle ages and into a functional, more democratic future.
According to some of the PRT members, they encountered a very peculiar case one time. A particular water well they had built in a nearby village continued to be destroyed. Apparently, this was actually rather uncommon, as, even insurgents did not care to carry buckets of water by hand from the river to their homes. Many times, the PRT returned to the village to fix the damage done to this well. I am not sure how they discovered the truth regarding the vandalism of the well, but the identity of the culprit was a surprise to everyone. It turned out that one of the local village women admitted to tampering with the well, rendering it unusable, on several occasions. Reportedly, her daily duty to fetch water was her only chance to meet and socialize with other women from the village. Aside from this daily field trip outside her residence, she was not allowed to leave her home without the company of a male. Thus, the installation of the well essentially ruined her social life and the small bit of independence she looked forward to each day.
One day, one of my teammates interviewed a man who was a newlywed. He had married his wife only a month or so before I met with him. The man knew English and was better educated and appeared more progressive than many others we came into contact with. Because of this, my teammate thought maybe the fellow had a more civilized relationship with his new wife. So, he asked him if he enjoyed spending time with his new spouse. The man’s immediate reply was “No. That is what bedtime is for.�
� Clearly, he held the same view towards his wife as most other Afghans. She was simply his property, not a companion.
Even within the family residence, women were limited on what they could and could not do. Their movements outside the house are governed by the Shiite Personal Status Law, as discussed earlier. Women were expected to cook, clean and procreate. Beyond this, their lives were very restricted. They were not allowed to eat alongside the men in their family, or allowed to be in the presence, unattended, of any man who was not their husband, father or son. While having the routine discussion about shame, during one of my interviews, a man informed me that “A woman watching TV or talking on the phone is very shameful.”
I imagine the mentality behind this belief is that the men do not want women exposed to outside influences. (I will caveat this statement by saying that I am aware this type of oppression is no longer found in every province in Afghanistan. From my experience, the Pashtun provinces are primarily responsible for continuing to oppress their women.) If the women were allowed to watch TV, they might discover that their repressed life is not necessarily common in other parts of the world. This could lead to the realization that their potential was much higher than preached to them by Afghan men. This discovery could then lead to them wanting to (gasp!) educate themselves or even get a job. The men could not allow this type of chaos to occur. If women were educated and supported themselves, they might not be dependent on men for their basic necessities. Thus, men could potentially lose their cook, maid and mother to their children.
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