Volume 2 - The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruhi

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Volume 2 - The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruhi Page 12

by Tanigawa Nagaru


  I took a peek at the pale face hiding under the wide-rimmed hat. Just a moment ago I saw a huge gash on Nagato’s palm as though she had just grabbed a sickle with her bare hands. How I’d like to show this to the troublemaker, though that gash has now been healed as though it had never existed.

  I looked at the second group standing not far from us. Haruhi and the three extras were now looking at the video on the camera, and then they screamed… sorry, it was only Tsuruya-san that screamed.

  “What should we do? I have a feeling something terrible will happen if we keep on filming.” “But we can’t just stop here. If we refuse to comply, what do you think Suzumiya-san would do?” “She’d go ballistic.”

  “I think so as well. Even if she didn’t go ballistic herself, I’m sure the ‘Avatars’ would in the Sealed Dimension.” Stop reminding me of that horrible place again. I don’t want to go there again, and I don’t want to do that ever again.

  “Perhaps Suzumiya-san is happy with how things are now. She’s making her own movie using her own imagination, and her every move is like that of a god. You should know as well, she’s very frustrated at how reality doesn’t conform to her way of thinking. Though she doesn’t show it on the outside, since she isn’t aware of it herself, the end result is the same. However, in the movie world, the story moves according to her wishes, so anything is possible. Suzumiya-san is trying to create another world using movies as a medium.”

  As expected from a self-centered person, unless she has a certain amount of money and power, it’s near impossible to have everything go her way. She might as well become a politician.

  As I switched through various frowning faces, Koizumi kept smiling and continued, “Of course, Suzumiya-san is not aware of all of this. Since the beginning she has been creating this fictional world, which shows how much passion she has with this movie. I think she may be a bit too passionate, and she has unwittingly affected the real world as a result.” As with dice having only negative points, no matter how much you throw, you’ll still lose in the end. The longer this movie goes on, the more Haruhi will go out of control, but it’s a worse idea to have her give up on this project, so I’ll pick the lesser of two evils.

  “If I have no choice but to throw the dice, then I would choose to go on throwing.” And why is that?

  “Because I’m tired of destroying ‘Avatars’ already… Just kidding… Sorry about that. Anyway, compared to allowing the world to be rebuilt all over, our chances of survival would be higher if we allow some minor changes to occur to this world.”

  You mean a world where Asahina-san would become someone like Wonder Woman? “This time, the changes are small in scale compared with the appearance of ‘Avatars’. And Nagato-san would place remedy measures for us, so it’s not that much of a problem, right? Don’t you think that solving these paranormal events one at a time is a better alternative than trying to save the world from being recreated from scratch?” It’s still problematic no matter which way you look at it. How about ambushing Haruhi from behind and knocking her unconscious until the school festival? “That would be too unimaginable. If you’re willing to take responsibility for that, then I won’t stop you.” “Holding the fate of the world alone would be too heavy for my shoulders,” I replied and looked at Asahina-san, who was picking the dirt off her waitress uniform with her fingers. Seems like she’s pretty much given up, but when she noticed I was looking at her, she said urgently, “Oh, please don’t worry about me, I’m all right. I’ll think of a way to endure this…” She’s just too adorable, though she doesn’t look well at all. She probably has to face the prospect of getting bitten by Nagato every time something happens. Though the teeth-marks would disappear after a while, it’s just uncomfortable getting bitten by her because, if Nagato were to carry a sickle instead of a magic wand in that costume, then she would be like the thirteenth Tarot card – Death. Either that, or she would be an ageless space vampire. Just being bitten by someone in that costume is enough to send one’s soul to the other world.

  Even though Asahina-san was dragged into all this against her will, for a time traveler from the future, she sure lacks a sense of danger. Or maybe it’s because she never really told me what she really thought about this, since her world is full of classified restrictions.

  Forget it. I’m sure she’ll tell me eventually. How I hope we’ll be in a narrow space together when she does that.

  It was finally time for Taniguchi and Kunikida, as well as Tsuruya-san to make their first appearance.

  Haruhi announced the roles they would be playing in the movie; it was long ago decided the three of them would be small fry characters. They would be playing “humans who have been turned into mindless zombies by the evil alien magician”.

  “In other words,” Haruhi said with a disquieting smile, “as Mikuru represents the side of justice, there’s no way she would lay a finger on innocent civilians, and Yuki has taken advantage of that weakness. She has controlled these humans using hypnosis, and Mikuru will end up getting badly beaten, as she is unable to strike back at the humans that attack her.”

  I thought to myself, Just how much more do you want to torture Asahina-san? Haruhi then said, “You guys will start by pushing Mikuru into the pond.”

  “EH!?”

  Only Asahina-san yelled in terror, while Tsuruya-san giggled uncontrollably. Taniguchi and Kunikida exchanged glances with each other, then looked at Asahina-san with very troubled expressions.

  “Hey,”

  Taniguchi asked with a half-smiling face,

  “Push her into the pond? The weather may be warm, but it’s autumn already! As for the water quality, no matter how you look at it, it just doesn’t look clean.”

  “Su-Su-Suzumiya-san, we should at least find a warm indoor pool or something…” Asahina-san also protested with all her strength, her eyes were close to tears. Even Kunikida sided with Asahina-san.

  “She’s right! What’ll happen if this is a bottomless swamp? She won’t be able to float back up once she falls in. And look, there’re a lot of black bass swimming around in there.”

  Stop saying stuff that’ll make Asahina-san faint! But from past experience, the more one resists, the more stubborn Haruhi would get. She gave a very Haruhi-like response,

  “Silence! Listen up! Sacrifices need to be made for the sake of realism. I had originally wanted to shoot this scene with the Loch Ness Monster! But we lack the time and budget to do that. It is our mission as humans to create the best stuff under limited time and resources, so we have no choice but to use this pond instead.”

  What sort of logic is that!? Do you intend to have Asahina-san drown anyway? Can’t you substitute this with other backgrounds?

  As I was considering whether to join the argument as well, someone patted me on the shoulder from behind. I turned and saw Koizumi smile and shake his head quietly. I knew. I knew if Haruhi didn’t have her way, something queer might happen. If Asahina-san ends up spitting out plasma, the Self-Defense Force might have to consider her as a hostile being.

  “I-I-I’ll do it!”

  Asahina-san announced with a very mournful expression, she was beyond despair now. A poor girl has decided to sacrifice herself for world peace. Things have developed to a stage where it is no longer possible to stop. But this is probably the most climatic moment of the movie, right? I’d better record this on film.

  Haruhi was absolutely delighted,

  “Well done, Mikuru-chan! You look awesome right now! That’s the SOS Brigade member that I’ve chosen! How you’ve grown!”

  I don’t think this has anything to do with growing up, but the result of learning from past experience.

  “Now then, you two over there hold Mikuru-chan’s arms, Tsuruya-san, you grab her legs. Prepare yourselves, once I make the command, toss her into the pond with all your might.”

  The following scene ensued under Haruhi’s direction.

  The three minions start by standing in a neat row in fro
nt of Nagato, when the black mage waved her wand, they would lower their heads as though making a prayer in a Shinto shrine. Nagato waved her wand like a priest waving away bad spirits with a blank expression, in a way, she looked just like a shrine maiden.

  Then, after receiving Nagato’s psychic waves, the three minions started to move stiffly towards Asahina-san as though they were zombies seeking living flesh.

  “I’m sorry, Mikuru, I don’t want to do this. But I can’t control myself, I’m really sorry.” Tsuruya-san said looking very happy as she walked towards the waitress. Taniguchi, who would cower in the event of an emergency, had no idea what to say, while Kunikida scratched his head as he walked towards Asahina-san, who was looking increasingly pale.

  “You two idiots over there! Be serious!”

  You’re the idiot around here! I took back what I was about to say and continued to roll the camera. Asahina-san slowly backed up towards the edge of the pond looking terrified.

  “Prepare to die~~.”

  Tsuruya-san happily pushed Asahina-san down and grabbed the sides of her long fleshy legs. How should I put this? This sight looks way too dangerous.

  “Kyaa…”

  Asahina-san looked really scared, as Taniguchi and Kunikida grabbed hold of her arms.

  “W… wait a moment, I still… I-Is this necessary?”

  Ignoring Asahina-san’s cries, Haruhi nodded her head and said, “This is for making the best scene, it’s all for art!”

  Sounds nice, but how does this crappy movie have anything to do with art!? Haruhi gave her command,

  “Ready! NOW!”

  Splash! Water foams splashed out from the surface, disturbing the aquatic life living in the pond.

  “Ah… Help… Wah…”

  This drowning act is just too realistic, Asahina-san. No, wait… How come it looks as though she’s really drowning?

  “My legs… Can’t reach… Kya…!”

  It was fortunate that this isn’t the Amazon River, or she would be an ideal target for piranhas, shaking the surface of the water so frantically like that. I wonder if black bass attack humans? I thought as I looked through the camera lens. It was now I realized it wasn’t just Asahina-san splashing the water.

  “Argh! I’ve swallowed water!”

  Taniguchi was also drowning. He probably tossed Asahina-san too strongly and fell into the pond himself as well. I decided to ignore this idiot.

  “What’s that moron doing?”

  Haruhi came to the same conclusion as I had. Ignoring the moron, she pointed the loudspeaker towards Koizumi.

  “Koizumi-kun, it’s your turn to appear! Go and save Mikuru!” The male lead, who was responsible for the lighting since the beginning, gave an elegant smile and handed the reflector board over to Nagato. He then walked to the side of the pond and stuck out his hand.

  “Grab my hand. Calm down, make sure you don’t pull me down as well.” Like a victim of a shipwreck, Asahina-san grabbed tightly onto Koizumi’s arm like a piece of wooden plank. Koizumi casually pulled the completely soaked battle waitress up from the water. He then supported her by holding tight onto her. Hey! You’re holding her too closely! “Are you okay?”

  “…Uuuu… Cold…”

  As a result of being soaked wet by water, the tight waitress uniform was now even more tightly wrapped around Asahina-san’s body. If I were a member of the Motion Picture Association, I wouldn’t hesitate to give this movie a R-15 rating. To be honest, I have a feeling we might get arrested for this.

  “Yes, perfect.”

  Haruhi slapped the loudspeaker loudly and gave a sigh of satisfaction. Not paying any attention to Taniguchi, who was still splashing the water, I pushed down the “stop” button on the camera.

  We now had enough junk to open a stall, yet there was not a single towel to be found. Just what’s going on? Asahina-san let Tsuruya-san wipe her face with a handkerchief as she kept her eyes shut. I held my breath as I stood by Haruhi, who was studying the taped footage with a serious look.

  “Hmm, not bad.”

  After watching Asahina-san fall into the water three times, Haruhi nodded and continued, “Not a bad scene for the male and female protagonist to meet for the first time. Itsuki and Mikuru have perfectly conveyed that shy, clumsy feeling. Excellent.” Oh really? Koizumi looked ordinary to me in that scene.

  “We’ll go to the next scene, where after rescuing Mikuru, Itsuki decides to hide her in his house. The next scene will start there.”

  Wouldn’t that disrupt the continuity of the story? Where did Nagato run off to after controlling Taniguchi and the others? What about the zombies then? How were they beaten off? Even though they’re just minions, if their whereabouts aren’t properly accounted for, the audience won’t buy the story.

  “You sure are annoying! People are going to guess what happened anyway even if that scene wasn’t filmed! We can just skip the unimportant bits!”

  Damn it! You mean all this time you just wanted to film Asahina-san being thrown into the water!? As I was about to respond, Tsuruya-san raised her hand and said, “Um, Mikuru might catch a cold, so can I bring her to my place so she can get changed? My house is just nearby.” “That’s excellent!” Haruhi said to Tsuruya-san with glittering eyes, “Can I borrow Tsuruya-san’s room? I’d like to film a scene where Itsuki and Mikuru get intimate together. This is going too smoothly! This movie is going to be a great success!” For someone who prefers things to be convenient, things have been going smoothly for Haruhi. Yet I can’t cast away a doubt in my mind - I suspect Tsuruya-san knew Haruhi had wanted to film such a scene before making that suggestion. As Haruhi had cast Tsuruya-san as a minion, I believe Tsuruya-san should be a normal person like us, but…

  “What about us?”

  Kunikida asked. Taniguchi stood aside trembling while wrapping himself with his wet jacket.

  “You can go home now.”

  Haruhi announced coldly.

  “Good job. See ya, we’ll probably not need you again.”

  And so, the names and existence of these two classmates disappeared from Haruhi’s consciousness. Without looking at the stunned Kunikida and Taniguchi, who shook his wet hair like a dog, Haruhi appointed Tsuruya-san as our guide and walked off in large strides. You two sure are lucky, no longer needing to endure any more disasters. For Haruhi, you’re probably as useful as a used BB bullet. You can’t get any more fortunate than that.

  For some reason, Tsuruya-san yelled happily,

  “All right~~! Everybody, this way!”

  She went to the front of the entourage and waved a flag.

  Haruhi’s unruly behavior didn’t begin yesterday. I believe she was born that way. In fact, in five hundred years, they’ll probably have legends about Haruhi proclaiming to be the only one honored by Heaven and Earth the moment she was born, but that’s another story.

  I don’t know when it began, but Tsuruya-san seems to get along very well with Haruhi, as they walk together in front of the group, singing the chorus of Bryan Adams’ “18 ‘Til I Die”. Walking behind them, I feel very ashamed for knowing them.

  Nagato, the black mage, trailed silently behind them, followed by Koizumi, the lighting coordinator as well as male lead. Neither seems too concerned. You two should learn from Asahina-san, hanging down her shoulders and lowering her head slightly. And at least help me carry some of the equipment, we’ve been climbing the slope all this time and I’m beginning to understand the feeling of those racing horses trained to run uphill.

  “And we’ve arrived! This is my home!”

  Tsuruya-san shouted and stopped outside a residence. Her voice is impressive, even her house was impressive. Sorry, I meant extravagant. I couldn’t see the whole house from the entrance, so I had no idea how big it was, but it was enough for me to call this house big. There was hardly any other houses to be seen from the main entrance, which means it was quite a distance from the main entrance to the nearest neighboring house. I took a look around and noticed tha
t the estate was surrounded by a huge wall, like those samurai-class mansions. Just what sort of criminal activities was she involved in order to live in such a big house?

  “Come on in!”

  Haruhi and Nagato didn’t seem to have any concept of common manners, as they stepped into the house as though it were their own. Asahina-san seems to have come here before, as she doesn’t look at all awed, while being pushed inwards by Tsuruya-san.

  “Such a nostalgic looking house. Such an incredibly well built structure. So this is what they call buildings with a sense of architecture? Quite a contemporary building.”

  Koizumi said in an exclamatory tone, without carrying any expression on his face. Are you a property salesman?

  We walked through a vast space large enough to play baseball in, and then came to the entrance hall. After taking Asahina-san to the bathroom, Tsuruya-san then led us to her room.

  My room was like a bed for a kitty cat compared with this room. We were led into a wide Japanese-style bedroom. The room was so wide I didn’t know where to sit, but it seemed I was the only one troubled by that. Nagato, Koizumi and even Haruhi didn’t seem to look concerned.

  “Such a great room. We could even film an outdoor shoot in here. Right, this will be set as Koizumi-kun’s room then. We’ll film a scene of Koizumi-kun and Mikuru-chan getting intimate here.”

  Haruhi sat on the cushion and examined the room through her fingers, which were crossed into a rectangle. The layout of Tsuruya-san’s room was simple, a simple Japanese-style bedroom with just tatami and a stove.

  I followed the example of Nagato next to me and sat in traditional style, but I couldn’t take it after three minutes, and had to release my legs. Haruhi sat with her legs crossed from the beginning and whispered into Tsuruya-san’s ear.

  “Hee hee! Ah, now that’ll be fun! Hold on!”

  Tsuruya-san left the room carrying a very loud and pleasant laugh.

 

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