by J. B. McGee
“Right. So is there trouble in paradise with Rebecca and Joe?” I thought I knew the answer to that last night when he boxed me into the wall and nearly kissed me, but the look he had when he heard her talking to Ryan has me questioning everything. One minute he’s begging me not to go, the next he’s telling me he can’t be friends with me. He was drunk even though he denied it. Had to have been. Because nothing he said made sense last night the more I try to over analyze it.
“I wouldn’t know. She just asked if he was here.”
He just lied to me. Lie by omission. I guess I just did the same to him because I do have something to hide until we get some alone time to discuss everything. Maybe he’s doing the same thing I’m doing. Maybe he saw us on the stairs last night the same way we saw them? Has he heard us talking? “That’s all?”
“Yep.” He cocks his head and grins. “Are you jealous?”
“No.”
“You ready?” He stands and zips up his bag.
“Yep.”
The drive back was quiet. Joe avoided eye contact with me at all costs. When I was able to see his eyes, they were cold and distant.
We’ve told everyone goodbye, and we’re about to get back in our car. “Ryan, can we go somewhere to talk for a little bit? Or we can just sit here and chat.”
“We need to get home.”
“We need to talk.”
Much to my surprise, he doesn’t look concerned, but rather more annoyed. He sighs. “Now? Here?”
I nod.
“Fine. But we should probably go somewhere.”
“Starbucks?”
“Okay.” He doesn’t ask what this is about. Does he know?
We drive through the gated exit of the neighborhood and the short distance to the coffee shop. When we get there, we both get out of the car, and my insides feel like they’ve been raked over with a cheese grater. My heart specifically.
He holds the door open, and I walk in under his arm. “Thanks.” I pick out a table in the corner, away from the patrons. “Do you want something?”
There’s a smattering of stubble on his rounded chin and the edges of his jaw. His full cheeks are red. He swipes his mouth with his thumb. “No.”
We sit facing each other. He leans back, his legs spread. He doesn’t say a word, but he taps his foot. God, this is going to be so hard. But I’ve already driven three hours with him, and I can’t keep this bottled up for another couple while we travel back to Macon. First, I need some of my questions answered. Well, one specifically. “Who is she?”
“Rebecca?”
I nod as I place my hands in my lap and hold them to keep from fidgeting.
“When I was in undergrad, we had a thing.”
“Define thing.”
He turns his head and glares at me. “It’s over, so what does it matter?”
“Define thing for me, Ryan. Because I thought you were different from the Joes and Bradleys of the world.” My mind connects dots in hyper speed, comparing Ian to Bradley and now Ryan to Joe.
“We took care of each other’s needs for a bit.”
“Well, that explains why she said it was good to see you again instead of nice to meet you.” I look him in the brown eyes he shares with his brother. “Do you have feelings for her?”
“Sam. You’re being ridiculous. That was ages ago.”
“Don’t deflect the question by trying to make me feel stupid. I saw you two last night.”
He sighs. “It wasn’t what you thought it was. If you want to talk about The Carriage House Inn, maybe you can explain why she’d come to my room to see if Joe was with me at the same time as you were supposedly with Gabby. Imagine my surprise to find you two had gone missing at the same time. Then, when I called Gabby to look for you, you weren’t there.”
“You called Gabby looking for me?”
His eyes narrow. “So, is there anything you want to share with me?”
My skin burns like I’ve been sitting in the spotlight of the summer sun the entire day. He scowls. “Dammit, Sam. Do I even wanna know?”
“Nothing happened.”
“But you wanted it to?” My eyes drift anywhere but his. Suddenly the room seems small. “You have feelings for him?”
I nod, licking my parched lips as I open my mouth to speak. “I…I think it started before Gabby and Bradley’s wedding. But I blamed those feelings on other stuff. Made excuses for them.”
He runs his hands through his hair, his tight jaw bone clenching. “And you actually have the nerve to act like I’m doing something wrong with Rebecca whom I saw yesterday for the first time in years?”
“Do you want me to continue?”
“Do I want to hear how my girlfriend whom I thought I was going to marry thinks she’s falling in love with my brother? I don’t know, Sam.”
“Really? You thought you were going to marry me? Because I could have sworn last night I heard you tell her you didn’t even know if you wanted to get married.”
He averts his gaze. “Go ahead. I need to know. Otherwise my fuckin’ mind is going to go to all sorts of crazy scenarios. You have some nerve lecturing me about Rebecca when you’ve been pretending to just be my brother’s friend for the last six months.”
“I saw you with Carmen at the wedding. I’ve seen you flirt with Charlotte and other residents. Then I watched you with Rebecca for the last twenty-four hours. You may not have done anything, developed feelings for any of them, but I realized today as much as we want this to be right…it’s not. Hell, you didn’t even know I drink Diet Coke.”
“Did you sleep with my brother?”
I vigorously shake my head. “No. He has no idea how I feel about him. I refused to acknowledge or accept those feelings until last night…”
“So you were with him?”
“I was with him on the steps when you were talking to Rebecca. I’ve never even kissed him.” I swallow. “He seemed really upset by the fact there was something between you two. You might want to deal with that at some point.”
“For fuck’s sake. Again. Where do either of you get off? And just because you didn’t kiss him doesn’t mean you weren’t cheating on me.”
“I’m not pointing fingers. I’m not judging. Is it wrong for me to want to know if you were sleeping with someone behind my back? I mean, you just asked me if I screwed your brother. And I deserve that about the cheating. But you should know that I did everything in my power to turn those feelings off. He gave me an ultimatum a couple of months ago, and I chose you.”
He runs his hands through his hair again before staring at some random spot on the table in between us. “This is supposed to make me feel better? Were you thinking of him when you were sleeping with me?” His eyes search mine.
“I’m being honest with you because you deserve that much.”
“You’re being honest because you need a clear conscience.”
“That too. Ryan…”
“What?”
“Tell me you don’t see that this between us is wrong.”
He shakes his head.
“You chose a football game over me last night. We’re not even married. My sister was getting more sex than I was, I can guarantee you. I heard it. I did go to her room.”
“So, this is about sex?”
I toss my hands in the air. “No. Well, kinda. This is about the fact that I love you, but I’m not in love with you. And I think if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll say the same thing. I think we were just comfortable, and we both deserve more than that.”
“And you’re planning on getting”—he does air quotes— “more with my brother?”
My shoulders drop, and my body is on fire. “I don’t know. Joe and I didn’t leave things on the best of terms last night. He and I need to talk.”
“I guess that explains why he was such an ass on the way home, then. It was all about you.”
“I don’t know. I guess. It could have equally been the realization that Rebecca had likely screwed
or was screwing his brother.”
Ryan lets out a long breath. “We need to get on the road.” He stands.
“About that…can you take me back to Gabby’s?”
“Yep.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
He walks to the front of Starbuck’s, pushes the door open, and holds it for me before unlocking the SUV. We both get in, and he starts the ignition. Once I’m in and buckled up, I notice his jaw is tight, his knuckles are white on the steering wheel, and he’s staring straight ahead.
“I’m really sorry.”
“Fine.”
“One of the reasons I didn’t want it to come to this is because I didn’t want it to ruin your relationship with Joe. Do you think you two will be able to work this out?”
He cuts his eyes to me, then back to the road. “Blood’s thicker than water.”
I swallow back the tears forming in my eyes. Everything he’s dishing I deserve, but it doesn’t make it any easier. “So they say.”
When we pull into Gabby and Bradley’s neighborhood, I realize I don’t have a pass. This damn gated community thing. This is exactly why I hate it. Ryan seems to have the same realization at the same time. “Do you have a pass called in?”
I fumble for my phone. “I wasn’t thinking that far ahead.”
He nods. “I’ll pull over until you get it worked out with your sister.”
“Thanks.” My finger swipes the screen, then pulls up Gabby’s number and presses send.
“Hey, Sam. What’s up? You forget something?”
Did I forget something? Not exactly. More like I didn’t finish something. “Yeah. I’m at the gate. Can you call me in a pass?”
“Sure. See you in a few.”
I end the call as Ryan’s thumbing through some sports site on his phone. “She’s calling it in now.”
He nods.
“I hope with time we can get through this. I know it’s cliché to say I hope we can be friends, so I won’t. But for the sake of our families, I hope we can eventually move forward.”
He shoves his phone in a cup holder and clutches the steering wheel. “Sure, Sam.” He plasters a fake smile on his face. “Should be a fucking piece of cake to watch my ex-girlfriend be my brother’s girlfriend.”
The thought makes me think of Joe and how pained he’s been watching me prance around with Ryan, the night he’d begged me to choose him in October and his eyes last night when he asked me not to leave him again. Ryan’s reaction is so different. It’s more like he’s humiliated or embarrassed. I hold my torso. “I don’t know what else to say other than what I have.”
“Then how about don’t say anything else. Because, frankly, everything out of your mouth pisses me off even more than I already am. And I didn’t think it was possible to be any more irritated than I already was.”
I open my mouth about to say something like, “Got it,” but think better of it. Instead, I nod my head.
He puts the shift in gear and pulls to the gate. “There should be a pass for Sam Gerhart.”
The tall guard nods. “Yes, Mrs. Banks just called it in. Place this on your dashboard or mirror the entire time you’re in the community, and enjoy your visit.”
Ryan nods.
No need to be rude to the guard. I lean over so he can see me. “Thank you.”
He smiles back. “My pleasure.” He pushes the button for the gate.
As it opens, Ryan guns the gas, and I remember him asking me not to speak again as my body is pushed against the seat.
A minute longer of this, and I’ll be free for a bit to actually think, to talk to my sister, and then to talk to Joe. When we pull up to Gabby’s, Ryan doesn’t even enter the driveway. The yard is right outside of my door. He pulls to a stop and never looks at me. “Goodbye, Sam.”
My chest hurts. This is why I told Joe no after the ghost tour. I didn’t want it to be like this. “Be careful driving back.” I reach into the backseat and pull my overnight bag and my coat. “Seriously. I know you’re angry.”
His face reddens. “I really need you to get the fuck out of this vehicle.”
“Bye, Ryan.” I pull the latch on the door and step into my sister’s yard as his wheels squeal back into the street. Maybe I should have waited until we got back to Macon before I told him. This was selfish of me. This was me wanting time with Joe before I left.
“Sam?” I turn around and see Gabby standing on the sidewalk, her arms wrapped around her shivering body. My eyes wander to Bradley, who’s standing at the door. Gabby takes a step closer. “What’s going on?”
I inhale a deep breath and walk to her. “I’ll tell you when we get inside. It’s freezing out here.”
She takes my bag and hangs it on her shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Ryan clearly isn’t okay.”
I stare at Bradley.
He moves to the side. “Sam. Didn’t think we’d be seeing you again so soon. Welcome back.”
“I hope I’m not imposing.”
He shakes his head. “Never.”
“Thank you.”
He closes the door behind us, and Gabby puts my bag down, then hangs my coat on the wall hooks. “So, I take it you and Ryan had a fight? Is he coming back?”
I sit on the couch and put my hands between my thighs, hoping to warm them. “We broke up. He’s not coming back.”
Bradley inhales audibly. “I’m gonna go out for a few things we need from the store.” He points to the garage. “Give y’all some girl time.” He leans down and kisses Gabby. “You need anything?”
“Make sure we have ice cream. Cookies and Cream and Mint Chocolate Chip, please.”
He smiles in my direction. “You need anything?”
I shake my head. “What she said. Other than that, I’m good. Thanks, though.”
After I hear the door to the garage close, I exhale. “I think you were right. I’m in love with Joe.”
She coughs and laughs. “You just think?”
“Yeah. I mean, it could just be lust. I’ve not even kissed him. What if he’s a terrible kisser?”
Gabby giggles. “I somehow don’t see that being the case.”
I grin as my insides flip like a giddy teenager. This is lust. “I can’t wait to find out.”
“Why are you here then?” Her eyes widen and her mouth drops. “You didn’t tell Ryan, did you?”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah. Hence the wheels peeling out of your street. He’s pretty pissed.” I shrug. “Rightfully so. Anyway, I didn’t think it’d be a good idea to have him take me to Joe’s.”
“Uh. No.”
“I have no idea how I’m going to get back home. Luckily, I don’t have to work again for a couple of days.”
“You know I can take you back. It’s not a big deal.”
“I hate to ask you to do that. It’s a lot of driving.”
“I’m out of school. I’d love to have the extra time to chat with you.”
I smile. “Me too. This weekend was a bit crazy. Fun, but crazy.”
“Did you actually have a good time considering your current confession?”
“Eh. It was okay. Lots of cookies and hot chocolate. A girl can’t complain about that.”
“Ha. True!” Gabby gets up. “C’mon. You can borrow my car. Go see Joe. We can catch up on everything when I take you home.”
I thought she’d never offer. “Thank you. Really. I can’t thank you enough.” I frown. “I don’t even know where he is, how to get there, or…” God. What if he’s with Rebecca? What if they’re… “If he even wants to see me.”
“Give me a minute.” She walks into the kitchen, then comes back a few minutes later. “I just texted him for you. He’s at his lake house, which isn’t far from here. Give me your phone and I’ll put the address in your GPS.”
I hand her my cell. “Do you happen to know if he’s alone?”
“I didn’t ask about that. And I didn’t ask if he wante
d to see you. I just asked where he was.”
“Because that’s not suspicious or anything.”
“Just go. What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
“He’s in bed with Rebecca, never wants to see my face again, and I get to live the rest of my days knowing I made the biggest mistake of my life. No biggie. No pressure.” Although, breaking up with Ryan wasn’t a mistake. This weekend proved we’re not right for each other. I can’t have regrets over that.
She shifts her weight between legs and looks at me like I’ve grown a second or maybe even a third head. “I don’t think that’s gonna be the case.”
“I hope not.”
“Why are you still here?”
“Because I’m terrified. And procrastinating. And did I mention terrified?”
“Taylor Swift says the words you keep yourself from saying are the very ones that will haunt you the longest.”
“Girl is wise beyond her years.”
“Yeah. I think the words you need to say to Joe have haunted you long enough.”
My mind goes back to that Charleston trip, to the night we spent with the spirits. “Love you, Gab…by. Damn Ian for screwing up that nickname. I miss calling you Gabs.”
“I think we’re all over Ian. In fact, Ian who? If you want to call me Gabs, I’m good with that.”
“Thank God. Um. When do you need your car back?”
“Would you quit worrying and just go.”
“Okay. Love you.” I open the door to the garage and wave as I walk to get into the car Bradley bought her for her birthday after the whole ‘I found your long lost father’ fiasco. It’s a silver Honda Accord Coupe. Fully loaded. Leather seats. Super nice. I may get spoiled driving this. No. I will get spoiled driving this.
“Good luck.”
“Thanks. I may never bring your car back.”
She laughs. “I hope you don’t bring it back tonight.” She winks. “Get outta here.”
With those words, I buckle myself in and hold on to the steering wheel as I back it out of her garage. Too bad there isn’t a safety belt for my heart. I fear it’s on a crash course to being broken.
I pull in the driveway of Joe’s lake house. My hand pushes the gear into park, my fingers switch the keys to the ignition, and I grasp the steering wheel before I open the car and get out, saying a silent prayer Rebecca doesn’t answer the door. I shake my head. She sure is the subject of a lot of my prayers over the last twenty-four hours. For a minute, I wonder if I’d like her if she weren’t involved with the two men I love.