“You’re what…going to compartmentalize us?” He leaned closer, willing her to react to him. “You think I can attend the same parties and work with you every day and not remember the way it felt to be inside you? What your mouth tastes like? What all of you tastes like?”
His voice dropped at that last question and her facade cracked. Just a little. Enough to let him in. Her eyes trickled to his mouth so he took that opportunity and ran.
He kissed her. Threaded his fingers through her hair and made love to her mouth, moving his body closer and tucking her against him. She put a palm on his chest, which he took as a good sign until she pushed him away.
“Stop.” She swiped her lips with her hand, which pissed him off. Since when did she wipe his kisses away? “I’m not saying we don’t have attraction. We do.”
“Hell yeah, we do.”
“I’m not saying we didn’t click between the sheets,” she said over him. “I’ll never forget the nights we had together.”
His heart sank. She was really doing this. Dumping him.
No, worse. Friending him.
“Dalton, we can’t continue down this road knowing where it will ultimately end.”
“Yeah, and where’s that?”
“The night we sat in front of your father’s factory you said that should have been your life. But now you have this one. This life with me? It only includes me if I’m your friend. Nothing more. That’s all this arrangement was. It’s all I ever wanted it to be.”
He sat back, feeling her words like a punch to the gut. Air whooshed from his lungs in realization. He heard what she hadn’t said. Holly Larson was too good for him. He may be Project Director at LLM, but beneath his thousand-dollar suit and five-hundred-dollar executive desk chair was a kid from Brownsboro with a shitty Trans Am and jeans his mom bought from a Tractor Supply. Dalton didn’t measure up to the Hartford elite. Not on the inside.
“I see,” he said, because he did. And what he saw was how blind he’d been until now.
“Friends?” Holly stood and shot out a hand, her smile unaffected and bright and God…he wanted to hate her for being this shallow. But he couldn’t. He loved her too much.
“Sure, why not.” He shook her hand but averted his eyes from her beautiful face. From her face to her shirt—frilly pink paired with black jeans, leading down to—what else? Gold sparkly shoes. She was all that shimmers and he was not gold. He didn’t measure up. No matter how good he was in the sack, he didn’t have enough clout for a girl of her means.
“I’m gonna go.” He dropped her hand and wondered if he’d ever touch her again.
“Are you sure? I could use your opinion on some Brownsboro details.”
Her desire to move forward, push past this, skewered him. Here he’d deluded himself into believing she wanted him, that he was fulfilling her fantasies at the same time he was filling her heart.
Idiot.
“I’m gonna go,” he repeated. When he reached the door, she called his name. He didn’t want to turn around but forced himself to face her.
“Think of this as a new beginning instead of an end. We’ll get through this. Remember what you said at your surprise congratulations party?”
He frowned. He didn’t.
“You don’t need anything. You have everything you’ve ever wanted.”
Spoken like a man who hadn’t known what he’d been missing.
“New beginning.”
Whatever that meant. He gave her a half-hearted wave and walked out of her office.
Chapter 22
HOLLY WATCHED DALTON walk out, fish his keys from his pocket, and take the stairs. Just to be sure he left, she watched out the window until he crossed the parking lot, climbed into his car, and pulled from the lot.
Then she lost it.
Tears rolled down her cheeks and neck. Her throat tightened so much that when she attempted to take in a breath, she made a terrible honking sound. She thought dying might be less painful than telling the man she loved more than life she didn’t want him.
Because she did.
She’d wanted him always.
Because of how much she cared about him, she couldn’t put him at risk. And to be fair, she didn’t know how Dalton felt about her. He’d asked her to add to her list, and boy, had they. A few extra nights of steamy foreplay followed by mind-rending sex had padded her unimaginative list with sultry memories.
That’s all they were now. Memories.
Another sob had her reaching for the tissues on her desk. At the same time, she grabbed her phone and punched in a text message: COME TO THE OFFICE. I NEED YOU.
He’d come. He always came.
She laid on the couch and cried while she waited. Ten minutes later, Jace’s voice sliced through the air.
“Holly? You okay?” When he stepped into her office and found her in a puddle, a handful of crumpled tissues on her lap, he had his answer. “What happened? What did he do? I’ll kill him. I swear to—”
“He didn’t do anything. I ended it. I lied to you when I said it was nothing.” She sniffed. “I’ve been in love with him since I was too young to know what love was. This year I decided I was tired of not getting the person I’ve wanted just because I’d been crowned this untouchable princess,” she blubbered. “I wanted Dalton to notice me. To see me as an option.”
“Holly.” Jace’s voice softened. He sat next to her, his hand moving in circles on her back. “Who says you’re untouchable?”
“You! Don’t you want me to find love?”
“I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to get hurt. And look at you. It kills me to see you like this.”
“He makes me happy. I make him happy. I think maybe”—another sob overtook her and she finished on a whine—“we could have made it.”
Jace’s hand circled her back. Wisely, he said nothing.
“I made a list of things”—she inhaled and sobbed at the same time—“I wanted to do with him. A L-lust List.”
Horror painted her brother’s features.
“I bribed him into fulfilling it. I told him if he didn’t, I’d go to your pal, Mitch.”
More horror.
“Dalton caved. I knew he would. He told me I was precious and he’d tear Mitch to pieces if he touched me.”
After Jace swallowed, he lifted an eyebrow and said, “Two counts on which we agree.”
“I know.” She sniffled again.
Her brother leaned forward and snatched the tissue box off her desk and thrust it into her lap.
“I love him,” she admitted. “Right now I want to go to him. But I also want him to have a future here. I want him to be in our family forever. I’m not sure those two things go together. Me and his future.”
“Did he tell you he loved you? Did he fight for you when you broke it off?”
She thought back to their conversation. “Kind of?”
“If he didn’t, Holly…” Jace pulled in a deep breath. “Listen. I know him as well as you do—shit, I guess that’s not true anymore, is it?”
She gave him a weak, watery smile.
“Dalt has never been one for settling down. I hate to tell you this, but your feelings may be one-sided. He and I have always been good at playing the field. It’s who he is. He may not have meant to hurt you, and probably was trying to do you a favor. But the love thing…Holly. That’s big. Too big for a guy like him.”
“Yeah.” Another fissure in her heart made her lose her breath. She dropped her face in her hands and sobbed. “I wanted him to love me.”
Jace wrapped his arms around her and shushed her, holding her tight and telling her they’d get through this. That he’d watch out for her and make sure she came out whole. Even through her misery, she believed him.
“You need help with Brownsboro, you come to me,” he continued. “Take a few days off, recover. Eat ice cream. Watch sad movies. Hang out with Mimosa.”
“Samosa,” she corrected. He never got her cat’s name right.
“Wh
atever.”
She looked up at her brother’s soft smile. Green eyes that matched hers, his carelessly styled hair. He was her rock. Her port. He was her best friend. He’d never hurt her.
“Thank you for coming,” she told him.
“I love you, Little. We got this.”
“Love you, too.” She snuggled in for another of his patented big brother hugs. She wasn’t sure she “had” anything yet, save a huge headache and a broken heart. But she was strong.
She was a Larson.
She’d get through this.
Eventually.
Chapter 23
MONDAY CAME AND went.
Then Tuesday.
Then Dalton let Wednesday pass him by.
He didn’t go back to LLM that week, phoning the receptionist each morning and telling her he had the flu.
By Thursday, he didn’t bother calling. On Friday, he decided maybe it’d be easier to not show up and get fired after all.
He couldn’t go in there and see Holly. He just couldn’t. The idea of feeling what he was feeling and seeing her completely ambivalent made him want to howl.
Hell, he’d never been in love before. He was in uncharted territory. Before he’d even had his bearings, she crushed him—now he was suffering from a breakup he hadn’t seen coming. Dealing with this much pain from losing the woman he loved was worse.
He’d never done that before, either.
The women he’d dated in his past were in and out of his life quickly. Rarely did they bother calling again. They’d slide from lovers into the acquaintance zone, seamlessly in most cases, or, more often than not, end up sliding off the map. They had no reason to keep in touch.
Holly wasn’t like that.
There was no way to slate her into any zone other than the Larson Zone. She was one of them and he could see now how he’d foolishly built his entire life on a foundation laid by their family. Home. Work. Love.
All intertwined with the Larsons.
He’d boxed himself in and now there was nowhere to go.
Worse, there was nowhere else he wanted to go.
He’d been sitting on the couch for days, being at one with the cushions and binge-watching some show on Netflix he never wanted to watch when it was actually on the air. He’d managed to take a shower each morning, and eat at least once a day, so from the outside he probably looked like he was functioning.
He started season five of The Show He Barely Cared About when there came an angry knock at the door.
Followed by a shout.
“Dalton! You asshole! I know you’re in there!” More banging.
Using the remote to shut off the TV, he pushed to standing and went to his apartment door. When he opened it, Jace muscled past him.
“Won’t you come in?”
“You’re lucky I didn’t hit you and then come in.” Jace turned on him, nostrils flaring.
“Look, I know I didn’t call in. And I’m behind on the Brownsboro billing.”
“I don’t give a shit what you’re behind on at work.” His best friend stepped closer, looming. “What I care about is my baby sister who can barely function because she fell in love with you. Why did you…” He shoved both hands into his hair and stared, speechless for a moment. “How could you do this to her?”
Dalton’s brain was whirring, circling six words in particular that Jace had uttered.
She fell in love with you.
“No, she didn’t,” he said numbly.
“No, she didn’t what?” Jace grated.
“She didn’t fall in love with me!” Dalton shouted. “She dumped me because she’s too good for me. She wants us to go back to the way things were and I can’t because I love her so much I feel like I might die without her.”
Those words hung in the air, almost visible for the effect they had on Jace. His face fell. It was like watching wax melt on a candle. His mouth fell open, his eyebrows bowed, his cheeks slackened.
Finally, he responded with a quiet, “Holy shit.”
“I shouldn’t have agreed to the list,” Dalton admitted, licking his lips. “Wait, did she tell you about the—”
Jace held up a hand. “I know about the list.”
“She said if I didn’t agree, she was going to go to—”
“Mitch. Yeah, I know.” Jace paced the room like a jungle cat in captivity.
“That wasn’t the only reason I said yes.” Dalton swallowed and told his best friend the truth. “I’ve wanted her for years.”
Jace spun on him and pointed. “Be very careful what you say next.”
“She dumped me. She doesn’t love me.”
“She broke up with you because Dad suspected you two were up to something,” Jace snapped. “I saw you kiss her in your office, so I went to her and told her about Dad. About what I saw.”
“You told her to dump me?” Dalton bore down on his best friend. He’d never hit Jace before, but right now, he wasn’t above it.
“As well she should have since you were using her!”
Dalton shoved with both hands, sending his buddy backward a few staggering steps.
Jace recovered quickly, fists balled at his side. “Swear to God, Dalton, don’t make me—”
“I love her, you prick!” He grabbed Jace by the scruff of his oxford shirt when he reached him. “I love her and I want to be with her and I don’t give a rat’s ass about this job. I’d quit if it meant I could be with Holly. We’re good together. We…” He swallowed the rest of what he was about to say.
We belong together.
They did. The second he thought it, the truth of his unspoken confession rang through him. They belonged together.
The air between him and Jace lost some of the tension as they watched each other carefully. Jace broke the silence.
“You love her?” he asked.
“Yeah.” Dalton loosened his hold on Jace’s shirt. “More than anything. I have for a long time.”
Jace shook out of his grip. Dalton watched him approach, unsure if he’d be bleeding from a sucker punch in about two seconds.
Instead, Jace lifted one hand and slapped Dalton hard on the shoulder. “Then go get her. She’s devastated and as in love with you as you are with her.”
“Listen, man…”
“Did I stutter, Thomas?” He pointed at the door. “Go tell her or I swear I’ll take you to the top of this building and throw you off.”
Dalton felt the side of his mouth lift. Jace was all talk, but damn good at it.
“Okay.” Dalton turned and snagged his keys off the hook, then darted out the door. Halfway down the hallway, he turned and stuck his head back into his apartment. “Where is she?”
“Said she was too depressed to work today so she was going to have a picnic with herself, whatever that meant,” Jace said with a shrug. “She took off. I came straight here.”
Dalton smiled for the first time in five days. He knew what that meant. He knew exactly where to find her.
Chapter 24
IT WASN’T EASY to cry and eat a chicken-salad sandwich simultaneously, so Holly took turns chewing and sobbing.
She’d skipped out on work this week but showed up today, thinking she could handle herself if she ran into Dalton.
Halfway through her overflowing e-mail inbox, she realized she was wrong. He wasn’t even in the office and all she could think about was him.
She didn’t know what made her come here, but being in Brownsboro made her feel better. Maybe because it was here where Dalton had been real and raw with her for the first time. Maybe because the rehabbed neighborhood reminded her of him. He’d come so far, and she’d jeopardized what he’d fought for. At least she could rest in the idea she’d done the right thing.
The Lust List had been immature at worst and short-sighted at best.
She’d risked so much, both for her and for him. The heartbreak was proving to be something she couldn’t quickly recover from. She’d been dumped before, by her high school boyfriend
, Mark. She’d dated him for three months and had mourned for about two weeks. She’d been in love with Dalton nearly ten years, so by her calculations it should only take…
Wow.
A long-ass time to get over him.
She dug a bag of M&M’s from the picnic basket and tore open the paper. Maybe it’d be easier to measure how long it took her to get over him in milk chocolate candies.
She ate one.
Two.
Three…
“So much for the green ones being lucky,” she mumbled.
“I made a list.”
The warm male voice behind her sent a trail of goose bumps down her arm despite the warm summery day.
A pair of shoes came into view at the edge of her blanket. Sneakers. Navy blue and white. She trailed her gaze up dark jeans to a white T-shirt to the most devastatingly handsome face she’d ever seen—and kissed—in her life.
“I don’t want to be friends,” she blurted, her eyelashes batting at the tears that wanted to fall. She wouldn’t let them.
“Me, neither.” He sat next to her in the center of the field facing the neighborhood, taking in the black, charred square patch where his house used to stand. “Interesting backdrop for a picnic.”
“Being here reminds me of you,” she told him.
He faced her, his expression unreadable. The wind sifted through his thick hair, moving a dark lock over his forehead.
“I made a list,” he repeated.
“So you said.”
He made a come on motion with his hand.
“Oh, um…What’s on the list?”
“Ah, thank you for asking.” He grinned and it all but devastated her.
When she looked at him, she saw her future. Her past. Her present. All rolled into the one man who’d defined her life without trying.
“I call it the Love List. It’s everything I love about Holly Larson.” He rested an arm on one of his knees as he looked into the distance. “It’s a long list. If I started telling you now, we’d sit on this spot for years before I finished.”
There came the tears. She wiped her hands over her cheeks.
“Dalton.” She didn’t know what to say. What was he doing here? “Your job.”
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