In the early days of trying, there had been disappointment and growing impatience as the pregnancy tests were left unopened in the bathroom cabinet – she was so regular that she could predict her period to the day if not the hour. After six months, Julia had started to worry that something was wrong but had left it another six before she plucked up the courage to raise the spectre of infertility with Paul. He had tried to convince her that there was nothing to worry about yet, but it was his use of the word ‘yet’ that had made her realize that he was harbouring doubts too. The nearest they had come to an open and frank discussion had been with the GP and even then it was his platitudes about there probably being nothing to worry about that they had clung to. But after another year of ever-weakening reassurances, it was impossible to ignore the growing fear that, after a lifetime spent mothering other people in her life, she may never actually get to be a mother.
Julia pushed her face down hard against her arm, the pressure alone holding back her tears. A high-pitched beep from the adjoining room warned that someone had come into the reception area, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. It was only when the door to the workshop creaked open and fluorescent light leaked into the darkness that she forced herself to lift her head.
‘I thought you might be in need of some vitamin C,’ Paul said.
Julia stared at the bottle of orange juice her husband had placed in front of her, if only to block out the sight of the pack of sandwiches lying alongside it, but the astringent smell of mayonnaise was already wafting towards her, making her stomach heave.
‘OK, I’ll take those away,’ he said, retrieving the tuna sandwiches and tearing open the packet as he sat down in the visitor’s chair opposite. ‘So how are we feeling today?’
Julia mumbled something that even she couldn’t understand.
‘That good, eh? What happened to treating your body like a temple?’
‘I think all the gods have deserted this particular empty vessel,’ she said, holding Paul’s gaze. Was he admonishing her? She didn’t need him to tell her that alcohol affected fertility but she was starting to think she was beyond hope. She wanted to drop her head back down but held her nerve. ‘I’m so sorry about last night, Paul. In fact, I’m sorry about everything.’
‘It’s not your fault.’
Julia was tempted to argue that it might very well be her fault and he had every right to blame her, but these were words she had guarded against, even when she had been drunk. She couldn’t argue about where the blame should lie, because what if it wasn’t her body that was at fault but his? However unlikely, it remained a possibility. She had to keep telling herself that neither of them was to blame, they had done everything by the book. Like her, Paul had been following all the latest medical advice to improve their chances of conceiving. And while she might have temporarily fallen off the wagon, as far as she was aware, Paul never had – which only went to prove that he wanted this baby as much as she did, if not more so. ‘I’m still sorry,’ she persisted. ‘Do you hate me? Am I turning into a neurotic wife?’
‘No and no,’ he said, answering her questions in turn, but then his eyes narrowed, letting her know that she wasn’t completely forgiven. ‘But we do need to talk.’
‘I know,’ she said weakly.
‘You summed it up last night when you said you were sick of getting nowhere. I’m sick of it too. I hate spending two weeks of every month walking on eggshells in case one wrong move wrecks our chances of conceiving, followed by two weeks of dragging ourselves out of the mire so we can gear ourselves up to try again. One of us was bound to blow a fuse and it happened to be you but it could so easily have been me. This is killing me, Julia.’
When he stopped to clear his throat, Julia wanted to leap up and hold him but he hadn’t finished what he needed to say and she needed to let him say it. ‘I know it’s hard admitting that there might be a real problem, especially when we have no idea if that problem will kick parenthood into touch or simply make it a long, frustrating and no doubt costly journey to get there. But,’ he added, ‘at least we’d be able to look ahead further than the next month.’
‘If we have to start fertility treatment, then the going will get tougher. You do realize that, don’t you?’
‘I know, but let’s have the tests first and see what we’re up against. If nothing else, it might help manage our expectations, which, if I’m being honest, are already at rock bottom. Even if the specialists were to tell us that there’s practically no chance of us having kids, that’s more chance than I think we stand right now.’
‘You think it won’t happen?’ Julia asked, her words trembling over her lips. It was one thing to think it herself, but to hear Paul admit it too was unbearable.
‘I think it won’t happen naturally and …’
Julia’s head had been throbbing but the pain intensified as her blood pressure soared. ‘And what?’
‘And maybe we shouldn’t even be trying – at least not until we know why things aren’t happening. We need a break from all this pressure we’re putting ourselves under, Julia.’
‘You want me to go back on the pill?’
The half-eaten sandwich in Paul’s hand was beginning to droop and he shoved it back into its container. ‘No, I’m not saying that at all. I’m only suggesting we stop letting it take over our lives. No ovulation tests, no special diets. We eat and drink what we want when we want without feeling guilty, and we have sex simply for the fun of it. I miss that old life, Julia. I miss the old us.’
She didn’t answer immediately. Asking her to agree to see a specialist was a big step in itself, but to throw away even one month’s opportunity to become pregnant naturally was too much to ask. She couldn’t do it – but as she looked at Paul, she could see the pain in his eyes. She wanted to take away that hurt and began wondering how she could keep up with the old regime without him noticing as she said, ‘I miss us too.’
When Paul stood up, she took hold of his outstretched hand. He pulled her to her feet and, slipping his arms around her waist, began kissing her neck.
‘Don’t you have to be back at work soon?’
‘Not yet,’ he whispered in her ear. ‘Don’t you remember what it was like?’
‘What?’ she asked softly.
‘Doing it just for fun?’ His hands moved down to her hips and he pushed her back against the desk.
She laughed and gasped at the same time. ‘Here?’
‘Here.’
She was still smiling as Paul kissed her full on the lips. When he lifted her onto the desk and her sketchpad and pens fell to the floor, she didn’t care, and for once she wasn’t thinking of sex as a means to an end. She hadn’t realized how much she had missed making love instead of making babies, and it felt good.
Helen turned her back on the sink full of breakfast dishes. The only soapy suds she was interested in was the long bath she intended to slip into just as soon as she was left to her own devices. It was Saturday morning and the housework could wait, most likely until Sunday evening when it would dawn on her that neither she nor her daughter had clean uniforms to wear the next day.
‘Aren’t you dressed yet?’ she asked Milly when she poked her head into her daughter’s room.
The little princess made a point of looking her mother up and down before replying. ‘Aren’t you?’
‘I’m not the one due to be picked up in ten minutes.’
Milly was sitting on her unmade bed holding her iPad, which she had used to while away the last hour messaging her friends. Following Julia’s advice, Helen set limits on how much time her eleven-year-old daughter spent on gadgets during the week, but she was a firm believer in letting loose a little at the weekend. If anything, Milly was more self-disciplined than her mother. She certainly hadn’t been impressed that Helen had nursed a hangover for two full days after the mid-week session with her friends.
Dragging herself off the bed, Milly went to her wardrobe and pulled out a pair of jeans and a ju
mper. She turned to find her mum still watching.
‘Can I have some privacy, please?’
Helen went into her own bedroom to brush the tats out of her honey-blonde hair. Even in her pyjamas, she looked reasonably presentable thanks to smoky eyes that were an accidental result of not washing her make-up off the night before. It was a look that Phoebe would approve of, but not necessarily Julia who was the person she was about to face.
Julia and Paul were planning a day trip to Martin Mere, a wetlands reserve just north of Ormskirk, in search of inspiration for Julia’s latest commission. Apparently she wanted to get up close and personal to nature and they had offered to take Milly with them.
Julia was practically a second mum to Milly and had been from the moment she was born. At eighteen, Helen hadn’t been prepared for life as a wife and mother. Her own mother hadn’t been too impressed at becoming a grandmother either, and while she helped as much as she could, she had expected Helen to face up to her responsibilities. Julia, on the other hand, was twenty-eight, happily engaged, and more than willing to get some practice in, and would look after Milly at the drop of a hat. And even when her fiancé had dumped her, Julia had still somehow been there for her, and Helen had muddled through parenthood thanks in no small part to her friend.
Paul had played an important role in her life too, arriving on the scene just in time to act as mediator between Helen and her soon-to-be ex-husband. Where Helen might otherwise have screamed abuse at John for bailing out on what was undoubtedly a disaster of a marriage, Paul had talked reason, to both of them. The end result was that John was still a key player in their daughter’s life and although Helen would never admit it to her ex, she needed him, if only to take his fair share of the burden. Too often, Helen felt old before her time and she savoured those precious moments when she didn’t have to be the responsible adult.
Grabbing a handful of rollers she would use to curl her hair while she soaked in the bath, Helen headed back downstairs where she caught sight of a red car pulling up outside. ‘They’re here!’ she shouted up to Milly.
Even as she opened the door, Milly was rushing past her. She had managed to get ready at breakneck speed and was dragging Julia out of the car so she could pull back the front seat and dive in the back.
‘Erm, haven’t you forgotten something?’ Helen asked.
Milly turned slowly, her face a picture of innocence as she looked from the coat draped over one arm to the backpack dangling from the other. ‘No, I don’t think so.’
Standing on the doorstep of their small terraced house with her arms folded, Helen out-stared her daughter. Milly let out a groan and scraped her feet along the pavement as she returned to her mum, offering up a cheek to kiss. Helen grabbed her in a bear hug and smothered her face in kisses. Despite herself, Milly giggled.
Released from Helen’s clutches, Milly made a second dash for freedom and flung herself onto the back seat. ‘Go, go, go!’ she cried when she noticed her mum coming out onto the street to speak to Julia.
‘In a minute, sweetheart,’ Julia said and turned to greet Helen. ‘You could come with us if you want?’
‘Thank you but there’s a Lush Bath Bomb with my name on it and the only water I intend stepping into will be blue and glittery, not smelling of duck poo.’
‘Having a lazy day, are we?’ asked Julia.
‘Actually no, I was just off to the shops. I could get away with this look, don’t you think?’ She opened up her dressing gown to reveal Elmo pyjamas.
‘Mum, don’t you dare!’ Milly cried.
Helen looked confused for a moment and then dug her hand into her pocket. ‘Of course, I forgot these.’ She took out the hair rollers and proceeded to wrap a lock of hair around one, winding her daughter up at the same time.
‘Pleeeease, Mum, just go back inside.’
‘OK, but if I’m banned from going out then I suppose I’ll have to leave the shopping until tomorrow. You’d have to come with me though.’
‘OK,’ Milly mumbled.
‘And by that, I mean you’d have to help me pack and unpack the shopping.’
Milly huffed a little. ‘OK, I’ll do it.’ She turned to Paul who had been silent throughout. ‘Please, Uncle Paul, save me.’
Paul laughed. ‘Helen, leave the poor child alone,’ he said sternly.
Helen grinned at him. ‘I’ll leave her in your charge then. Just remember, don’t get her wet and don’t feed her after midnight.’
Having never watched Gremlins, Milly had even more reason for wanting to escape. ‘Please, can’t you see she’s insane?’
Julia got back in the car and went through a last-minute checklist. ‘Got your wellies?’
‘Yes.’
‘Seatbelt?’
The clasp clicked into place.
‘OK then, we’ll see you later,’ Julia said to Helen as she closed the door.
‘Have fun and don’t rush back on my account.’
From the way Julia’s face lit up the moment she had set eyes on Milly, Helen had no doubt that her friend would thrive on the opportunity to play happy families. She also knew from experience that when they did drop her back off, the sparkle in her eyes would have dimmed as she faced the prospect of returning home to her empty nest.
As they drove away, Milly had her arms folded across her chest. ‘Mothers!’ she muttered under her breath.
From the corner of her eye, Julia watched Paul struggle to keep his smile in check. It was during these little excursions with Milly that Julia could see the full extent of the shadow that had been cast over their lives. It scared her, because even if she were ever to reconcile herself to a childless marriage, she wasn’t so sure that Paul could, or even that he should.
Her husband’s tone was firm when he said, ‘Good morning, Millicent. Yes, I’m fine, thanks for asking.’
‘Sorry. Morning, Uncle Paul. Morning, Julia.’
Julia turned in her seat. Her poker face wasn’t as good as Paul’s. ‘I’m really looking forward to this. How about you?’
‘How long will it take to get there?’
‘Oh, only about forty-five minutes,’ Julia said, hoping the traffic would be on their side. ‘Can you cope with being tied to your seat for that long?’
Julia’s heart pulled a little when she saw Milly dragging her bag onto her knee and taking out her iPad. She didn’t want to fight for the little girl’s attention with a flashy piece of technology. If she allowed Milly to be drawn into her electronic world it would be difficult to pull her back and Julia debated whether or not to say something. She wondered if they should set a rule about not using it when they took her out, but she was afraid that laying down the law would put Milly off going out with them in future. Her friend’s daughter had no idea how precious this time with her was to them, but it was hardly surprising when, in contrast, her mother made such a big deal of getting rid of her. Helen’s love for Milly was never in doubt but Julia wished she wouldn’t take her for granted so much.
‘I’ve downloaded an app that lets you record all the different kinds of wildlife we’re going to see. Look,’ Milly said, turning the screen to show Julia thumbnail photos of various species of birds.
‘I don’t think we’ll get to see many swallows and martins,’ Julia warned as she scanned the list. ‘It’s too cold in this country during the winter. They’ll all be sunning themselves somewhere a bit warmer.’
‘What will we see then?’
‘I’m not sure,’ Julia said, which wasn’t exactly true. She had never been to Martin Mere before but she had read up about it when she had scoured the Internet for family day trips in the North West. The wetland centre was perfect for their needs. It would give her the inspiration she needed for her jewellery designs as would immersing herself briefly into the family life she and Paul yearned for. ‘All I know is there are huge flocks of swans and geese that should be quite a sight around feeding time, but as for the rest, I’m counting on you to do the exploring. Paul’s b
rought his binoculars so we can pinch them off him when he’s not looking.’
‘It’s all right, I’ve brought my dad’s,’ Milly said, heaving a large pair out of her bag.
‘No wonder that bag was weighing you down – they’re huge,’ Julia said.
Milly pushed the binoculars between the front seats so Paul could see. ‘Looks like I’ll be the one trying to nab yours,’ he said.
‘Dad says we can go birdwatching in the Lake District in the summer if I want. He said it would be good for me to have a hobby,’ she said but her voice was already trailing off when she added, ‘I think he just wants me to have something to keep me occupied while he’s busy … You know.’
Julia’s jaw tightened as she tried to summon up the urge to say the right thing and not take advantage of an evolving situation. ‘I’m sure when the new baby comes along, your dad will be making an extra special effort to involve you. The last thing he’ll want is for you to feel pushed out.’
‘Do you think?’
‘I don’t think, I know,’ Julia said.
If Milly didn’t hear the catch in her voice, Paul did. ‘It’s hard work looking after a baby and for the first few months your dad and Eva are going to be pretty exhausted,’ he said. ‘Maybe you won’t be able to do the kind of stuff you’re used to, but it won’t be because they don’t want to, Milly. I can promise you that.’
‘I’ve told them I can help look after the baby, but I don’t think they want me to.’
‘Oh, just wait until they’re up to their eyes in nappies, they’ll be glad of your help, believe me,’ Julia said. Her jaw was aching from her forced smile.
‘That’s what I thought,’ Milly said although she didn’t sound convinced. ‘And it’s not like I would want paying to babysit.’
The Goodbye Gift Page 4