‘Julia, tell me,’ he said softly.
Julia visualized Paul sitting next to her when they had explained to their GP how they had followed the practice nurse’s advice to the letter without result. When the doctor didn’t argue about a referral, when he didn’t suggest even the remotest possibility of there being nothing to worry about, that was when Paul had taken hold of Julia’s hand. The doctor would have presumed her husband was being the strong one, supporting his wife as they were told about all the advances in fertility treatment while facing the possibility of a childless marriage. He wouldn’t have noticed Paul’s hand trembling as it gripped hers tightly. Yes, he wanted this baby just as much as she did. If it were possible, he might even want it more, which might explain why he couldn’t cope with trying and failing every month.
‘Look,’ she said, before choosing her next words carefully. ‘I can’t simply switch off my feelings about wanting a baby but I accept that the stress of trying has put us under too much strain. I am trying to do things differently, Paul, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t give me such a hard time.’
‘Fair enough.’
He didn’t sound convinced and so she added, ‘This is my way of coping, that’s all.’
‘It’s tough for me too, Julia.’
She turned to give him a weak smile. ‘I know it is.’
Paul had slowed to a stop and picked up his towel to wipe his face. His body glistened with sweat, accentuating his muscular frame. At thirty-four, he was in the prime of his life and looked more than capable of fathering a child. Julia on the other hand was outwardly healthy, but at thirty-nine was she fit enough to carry a child? When Paul returned her smile and it didn’t reach his eyes, she wondered if he was thinking the same. Had he chosen the wrong woman to make a family with?
‘Would you mind if I coped in a different way to you?’ he asked. ‘I’d rather come here and work out my—’
‘Frustrations?’
‘I can’t help feeling like I’m letting you down and no, that wasn’t an opening for us to regurgitate all those worn-out assurances that it’s not me, it’s you, and vice versa. We go round in circles, Julia, and that’s what I was hoping we’d be able to avoid, for a while at least. It’s not working, is it?’
‘What goes on in the gym, stays in the gym,’ she said firmly. She had kept the cross-trainer moving and was vaguely aware that her pace had become, if not faster, then certainly more forceful.
‘In that case, I’ll see if I can outrun my feelings. I might be some time,’ he warned.
Julia watched as Paul set himself up on one of the treadmills lined up along the opposite side of the gym. It was becoming impossible to ignore that they were dealing with their shared problem in separate ways and she felt an irrational sense of fear that their paths were diverging. Or was it so irrational? She was deceiving Paul, and although she could justify her motives to herself, she wasn’t sure Paul would see it that way. Far from letting nature take its course, Julia had used an ovulation kit that morning before disposing of the evidence in next-door’s wheelie bin. She intended acting on the results that night by planning an indulgent and distinctly unhealthy meal for two, which would cover up her ulterior motive – which was to get her husband into bed. If the end result were a child to call their own then it would be worth it, and if not, she would face the sense of failure alone. This was her way of coping.
On the other side of the gym, a couple of new arrivals caught Julia’s attention. There was a young woman with a child who looked a year or two older than Milly although it was difficult to tell because the girl had her back to her. The gym was strictly adults only and yet both were kitted out in gym gear, and Julia continued watching to see how their arrival played out. If nothing else it was a distraction.
One of the instructors had a clipboard and was taking details from the older woman. Julia presumed she was the mother until she turned, and it became clear she wasn’t old enough to have a teenage daughter. They had the same hair colouring, but because the young girl was still facing away, it was impossible to tell if there were any other family resemblances. Her long hair was tied up in a ponytail and it swung from side to side as she took a look around the gym while her companion was otherwise engaged. The moment she turned towards Julia, their eyes locked and it was then that Julia realized her mistake. She wasn’t a child at all.
Despite being very slight, the girl had the features of an adult. Her complexion was translucent with more of a hint of blue than pink, and even from this distance, Julia could tell that her dark lips were not due to some dramatic shade of lipstick that Phoebe might wear. The poor girl was obviously ill which made her appearance at the gym on a wet and wild Saturday morning all the more curious.
The instructor finished filling in his questionnaire and after a brief discussion with the first woman, whom Julia now thought might be the sister, he sent her off on a tour of the facilities with his colleague who had been loitering in the wings. The clipboard holder turned his attention to the frail-looking girl who looked distinctly nervous, but not as much as he did. He scratched his head and kept looking around, possibly searching for his manager. At one point, he stared vacantly at his questionnaire, his pen motionless while the young woman waited for the next question. Julia presumed the instructor was still struggling with the answer to the last. It was excruciating to watch.
Eventually the drama drew to a close, but rather than give the woman a tour like her sister, she was directed to a treadmill close to Paul. The gym instructor helped the girl onto the running platform and, after a short exchange, started up the machine at a snail’s pace. Paul was running at full pelt, and had been for at least twenty minutes, so at first he didn’t even notice what was going on. Julia was watching his reflection in the mirrors that ran the length of the wall in front of him and she saw him glance to his side. Her not-so-subtle husband did a double take and then, recognizing his own rudeness, turned to say something. It made the woman laugh but the smile on her face didn’t last. She raised her hands in panic and the instructor practically launched himself at the console to pull the emergency cord and bring the machine to an immediate stop. He helped the woman to a sitting position and she kept a hand on her chest as she perched on the edge of the treadmill.
There was an intense discussion between the two and then her sister arrived. Heads were shaking, perhaps to convince the members of staff that they didn’t need medical assistance, and when the argument was won there were slow nods and wafting of hands. She wanted to be left alone.
After another short debate with her sister, the feisty girl won her argument and her sister wandered off to use a rowing machine nearby that allowed her to keep her sibling in her sights. The gym instructors moved to a safe distance too and continued to watch the fragile figure that had turned her back on them all.
Julia was so absorbed by the unfolding drama that she had set aside her own troubles and had even forgotten Paul was nearby until he stepped off the treadmill and sat down next to the girl. He was busily wiping himself down, but his mouth was moving; he was making small talk and, more importantly, making his new friend smile.
Checking the display on the cross-trainer, Julia realized she had been using it for almost forty minutes. The most she would normally do was twenty, after which she would tumble off feeling completely depleted before dragging herself to the next machine, but not today. The only evidence that she had exerted herself at all was a slight looseness in her limbs and a sheen on her brow. Deciding she had worked out enough, she walked over to Paul.
‘Hi,’ she said. ‘I’m done for the day.’
‘Oh, hi,’ Paul said. ‘This is Lucy. Lucy, this is my wife, Julia.’
The woman smiled, her blue lips making her teeth look yellow. ‘Hello.’
Julia racked her brain to think of something to say. She didn’t have Paul’s flair for chatting to complete strangers but she wanted to make the effort. ‘Did I see the instructors giving you a hard time?’<
br />
Lucy’s shoulders folded inwards as if she were trying to disappear like the Cheshire cat, leaving only a blue smile. ‘I knew I was pushing it coming here,’ she said, the sentence itself taking her breath away. With a painful gasp, she added, ‘But a girl has to try.’
‘Yes, and you’d better keep trying,’ Paul said before pulling himself up. ‘It was really nice meeting you, Lucy. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll be back here training for a marathon and if that happens then you can hold me to my promise. I’ll be your running partner.’
‘Thanks,’ Lucy said. ‘It was nice meeting you both.’
As Paul and Julia weaved their way through the maze of equipment towards the changing rooms, Julia asked, ‘What was that all about?’
‘She has some heart condition but when her sister announced she was joining a gym, Lucy insisted she could do it too. It sounds like she’s getting fed up that she can’t do as much as her younger sister.’
‘I thought she was just a child when she came in.’
‘She’s been ill all her life by the sounds of it; I suppose it must have affected her growth.’
Julia had heard many such stories from Helen and it was perhaps a timely reminder that even if she was told that she had faulty ovaries or some other condition, it wasn’t the worst diagnosis she could be given. ‘That’s so sad, and so wrong, but why on earth were you offering to be her running partner?’
Paul hesitated as they reached the doors to the changing rooms. ‘She’s waiting for a heart transplant,’ he confessed.
Julia raised her eyebrows. ‘Now do you see why Helen was trying to convince us all to register as donors?’
‘Yeah, but it’s not like anything’s going to happen to us. What are the odds of dying at the right time and place and in the right condition for anyone to want our organs? We’re going to be old and decrepit by the time we’re ready to meet our maker.’
‘But if you’re wrong, I’d like to think my life wasn’t completely wasted,’ Julia said. It was only as she was talking that she realized the connection she was making. If she failed to create a life by her preferred means, couldn’t she at least give life another way?
Paul shrugged and she felt a rush of annoyance as she realized it was beyond her husband to make that kind of link. He was probably still thinking how ‘yucky’ the whole process was, even after meeting Lucy.
‘I swear I’ll come back and haunt you if something happens to me and you go against my wishes.’
‘Would you go against mine?’ he challenged, although his question was drawn more from curiosity than anything.
‘It would depend if your wishes matched mine I suppose.’ She would donate his organs in a heartbeat.
‘I’ll think about it,’ he said.
‘Good,’ Julia said as if she already had the answer she wanted.
The grey light playing across Julia’s closed lids suggested that dawn was approaching and she began the slow process of rousing herself from slumber that matched the pace of the rising sun. She enjoyed waking up like this, remaining quite still while each of her senses came to life. The crisp cotton pillowcase she had laid her head upon had softened overnight and the fresh laundry smell had mellowed and merged with the warm tang of the previous night’s exertions. She was lying on her side, facing but not touching Paul, and she could hear his deep, steady breaths although it was impossible to tell if he was asleep or awake. Her husband knew her rituals and she often opened her eyes to find him staring at her. She smiled at the idea, but if Paul was watching her now, his breathing didn’t suggest there was a returning smile.
There was a dull ache between her temples that would make her Sunday morning a little less than perfect. She and Paul had overindulged the evening before on delicacies that included scallops, lobster and a less-sophisticated chocolate sponge pudding for dessert, all polished off with a bottle and a half of Pinot Noir. Opening the second bottle had been extravagant by their standards but there was no reason to restrict their alcohol consumption at the moment, was there? Paul hadn’t needed much encouragement to have an early night and, if anything, he had been the one to seduce her. Her conscience was clear, except perhaps for a hint of guilt about drinking so much, but abstinence hadn’t got her pregnant so perhaps this new, reckless approach might relax them enough to make the magic happen. And there would certainly be no harm in repeating the attempt.
Tensing muscles to untangle stiffened limps, Julia reached out towards the space occupied by her husband, aiming for and touching his shoulder first. Eyes still closed, she trailed her fingers down his bare arm and when he didn’t so much as twitch, she knew he was awake. Sneaking a look, her smile broadened and a tingle skipped down her spine when their eyes met.
‘Morning,’ he whispered.
‘Morning.’
Slipping her hand beneath the covers, Julia continued to explore his naked body until Paul grabbed her hand and lifted it to his lips. ‘So you’re awake, are you?’ he asked.
‘Almost.’
He leaned over to give her a gentle peck, but as he pulled away Julia followed him, her lips searching hungrily for his. The deeper she kissed him, the more pronounced the smile on his face became and she was forced to stop what she was doing.
‘What?’ she asked.
‘I’m just wondering when my wife turned into a wanton woman.’
‘It must have been the wine last night. I think it goes to my head far more quickly than it used to.’
Paul pulled a face as he smacked his lips. ‘I suspect most of mine is still coating my tongue. My breath must smell foul.’
It did, but Julia didn’t care. ‘Mine can’t be much better. We probably balance each other out.’
‘Well, I didn’t like to say.’ And with that, Paul was pulling back the covers to get up.
‘Don’t leave me,’ she called, trying to sound dramatic rather than desperate.
Paul was oblivious to his wife’s needs and when he disappeared into the en suite, Julia sat up in bed and wrapped her arms around her knees as she waited for him to reappear. She tried to remind herself how much she had enjoyed making love last night. It had been slow and sensual, not perfunctory as it once had been. It was time to let nature take its course, she told herself, but Julia was reacting to fear rather than listening to reason. She strained her ears as she tried to make out if Paul was freshening up or getting ready for the start of the day. The minutes ticked by and she wasn’t surprised when he reappeared clean-shaven in jog pants and a T-shirt.
‘I thought we could have breakfast in bed,’ she said.
‘I was toying with the idea of going for a run. If I eat first then there’s no time to let it digest, especially if I’m going to pick Phoebe up at one thirty.’
Julia bit her lip. She had forgotten about the driving lesson and was already regretting being so generous with her husband’s time. ‘Surely the session at the gym yesterday was enough for one weekend.’
‘Ah, but that was before the meal last night.’
‘Indulgence doesn’t have to be paid back calorie for calorie. That’s not a healthy way to live.’ Detecting a flicker of doubt, Julia pushed harder. ‘Please, Paul. When was the last time we spent the morning in bed? I’ll tell you what: I’ll make us breakfast while you run down to the shops for the papers. We can meet back here in … say, twenty minutes?’
Paul was looking at her as if she were a siren of the seas calling him into perilous waters. She held his gaze. Running his fingers through his hair, he said, ‘OK, you win.’
Julia had just enough time to freshen up and slip on a silk chemise she knew he liked before putting together the makings of a healthy breakfast that wouldn’t make them so sluggish they would fall back to sleep. She was sprinkling pomegranate seeds over yogurt and granola when he returned with an armful of newspapers.
Paul slipped an arm around her waist and whispered in her ear. ‘Hello, sexy.’
‘Come on,’ she said, ‘let’s snuggle up in bed!
’
They sipped their orange juice as they leafed through the papers, sharing stories and making comments as they went. When Paul went quiet and seemed to be absorbed in a particularly lengthy article, Julia took a chance and slipped out of bed to clear away the breakfast tray. She wanted to make room on the bed for her next move while ensuring that Paul didn’t see it as a prompt to get up. Walking across the room, Julia put the tray down on the dressing table and picked up a hairbrush. From the outside, she looked oblivious to anyone who might look up and see her adding a layer of shine to her coppery hair while her silk chemise clung to her slender figure, her arms raised to show off her bosom to its best advantage. When she turned towards the bed and caught Paul watching her, she looked surprised.
‘You’re beautiful. Do you know that?’
Without saying a word, she cast aside the hairbrush and walked slowly towards Paul, gently swinging her hips from side to side. She leaned over him, daring him not to look at her chest, which was heaving.
‘If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were seducing me,’ he whispered before she covered his lips with hers. He pulled her onto the bed and began peeling off her chemise, covering her bare skin with kisses as he did so.
The fears that had taunted Julia slipped away. It was going to work this time and the strain that had been pulling them apart would be released with the cry of a newborn in nine months’ time. She just knew it and her relief was visible as Paul raised himself on top of her and caught her smiling. He gave her a curious look. ‘What?’
‘Nothing,’ she groaned then raised herself up to nibble his ear before whispering, ‘Is it so wrong for a wife to find her husband irresistible?’
The Goodbye Gift Page 7